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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mother wanting to be left alone with my baby

87 replies

lissyloulou1 · 29/07/2020 06:57

I just had my first baby 10 weeks ago, she is also my mother's first grandchild.

My mum and dad live in Sydney and ambitiously we are trying to get out to visit in February. During our video calls my mother has been making some weird persistent comments about wanting to be left alone in the house with our daughter.

Its hard to explain, but she keeps saying how she wants everyone including my dad to go out often when we visit so she can be left alone at home with DD. Like not even take her our for a walk in her buggy, or spend time with all of us.

I keep getting a weird feeling about it.

AIBU?

OP posts:

MrsMcTats · 29/07/2020 08:31

@Gre8scott Yes, what is it with 'my baby'?! My friend's mum does this. She also had a full on nursery kitted out at her house and refers to my friend's DD as 'my baby.' When am I going to see 'my baby'. Very strange.

FourPlasticRings · 29/07/2020 08:31

I'm with you, OP. MIL has had DD alone for full days since DD was 11 months old, but I've still not let DM have her alone and she's nearly two and half! I just feel uneasy about the prospect because of our history. She keeps asking and I keep saying no.

justanotherneighinparadise · 29/07/2020 08:32

@lissyloulou1

Sorry to drip feed but want to clear up that my mother and I have a strained relationship. She spent most of my childhood drinking heavily and still glugs wine like she's never seen it before on our video calls.

I think she wants a second crack at mothering tbh.

Well that seals the deal then doesn’t it. No way on earth would an elderly, inebriated person have sole charge of my baby. No bloody way.

MrsClatterbuck · 29/07/2020 08:33

I think it's ok for a grandmother to maybe want some alone time with their grandchild but the way she has expressed it is not ok. She wants you all to go out including your dad the child's grandfather and the word that stood out for me was to do this often Is she expecting this everyday?
When my dis came home once to visit her and her DH both had weekends away to go on and left my DN with my dm and I helped but my DM never insisted that she leave him with her alone. It did happen but happened naturally and she would never have told my df to leave so she could be alone with her gc

BreatheAndFocus · 29/07/2020 08:34

DH organised a surprise night away for "me" but it was really so his parents could babysit overnight, I was so upset as DD was 3.5 mths old and I was still combination feeding

Disgusting 😡 I’d struggle to have any relationship with a DH who did that. Like you were some kind of brood mare providing a baby for his parents to play with 😡

SapatSea · 29/07/2020 08:35

Why visit at all? I'd stay well away. You can't leave your baby alone with someone you know could easily become incapable of looking after your DC. I bet the visit will be stressful enough without arguing over "granny rights" DON't DO IT!!!

Frazzled13 · 29/07/2020 08:35

I'd be quite annoyed if I was your dad to be honest. They're not going to see your daughter very often and she's planning on sending him away so she gets the quality time all to herself?

Iloveyoutothefridgeandback · 29/07/2020 08:37

I would just ignore her for now. It's so far away, there doesn't seem much point in arguing about it right now.

Also, I'm not trying to pee on your parade, but are you in the UK? Our borders are firmly shut right now and I think that even when we do open them, the UK would be one of the last places they'd be open to...

Most of my family are back in the UK and I have given up on any hope of seeing them for at least a year, probably more.

Neolara · 29/07/2020 08:38

My mum, who has lots of grandkids, says it's nice to spend time with them without parents present as the kids behave completely differently. It's an opportunity for them to build their own relationship together. But my mum is lovely and completely brilliant with kids and I saw how fantastic she was with my nephews / neices before I had my own, so comments like this seemed sensible, not sinister.

I don't necessarily think what your mum says is weird, but of course only you know the context OP.

FaceOfASpink · 29/07/2020 08:40

Weird.
What exactly is she wanting to do with your baby that she feels she couldn't do with anyone else there?

FaceOfASpink · 29/07/2020 08:41

Not meaning anything sinister - I just don't get it.

Neolara · 29/07/2020 08:42

Ok. Just noticed your update. I would not leave my DC alone with an adult who drinks to excess. Just ignore her OP and do not feel manipulated into doing anything you are not comfortable with.

TravelDreamLife · 29/07/2020 08:44

February is very ambitious. I wouldn't book flights. Our PM is standing firm on keeping the borders closed until a vaccine is found.

Saracen · 29/07/2020 08:44

She is still a heavy drinker and wants to be left completely alone with the baby, not even her husband there?

I don't think you need to address it now, just make it clear that it will be up to you: "We'll see how I feel about it when I get there" and don't discuss any further.

In view of the fact that she didn't parent you very well, I imagine she is hoping to engage in a little fantasy where the baby is hers and she is the competent parent who is looking after a baby all by herself. Which isn't necessarily a problem if you don't mind, but it sounds like you do.

OVienna · 29/07/2020 08:50

My mother was obsessed by certain things when I had my first DC. The hills she was prepared to die on included bathing the baby in the kitchen sink, letting her dog get right in her face (she was convinced DH, who didn't grow up with animals, was going to put her off) and a few other things I have thankfully buried away now. I mean these things caused major ruckus, the sink bathing was the focus of 2 international trips.

Being alone with you DD is your mum's thing. I would just decide how you feel nearer the time. My mum was a completely different person with DC2, she seemed to realise I could parent by then.

2020wasShocking · 29/07/2020 08:54

Wait until you get there and baby is 9 months - you might be happy to go off with DP to a nice restaurant or to go and put your feet up for a sleep!

I can understand how her insistence is weirding you out. Imo it’s that, that is making you uncomfortable rather than having some free time

Pobblebonk · 29/07/2020 08:54

It sounds as if it's potentially a waste of time planning for a trip in February anyway, there's a pretty substantial chance it won't be allowed. Knock it on the head now, with any luck she'll have calmed down a bit if you leave it to something like June or later.

CountessFrog · 29/07/2020 08:56

Are your borders actually closed in Australia?

My understanding was that they are open and people have to isolate?

diddl · 29/07/2020 08:56

@Pixxie7

It’s a bit early to decide surely, perhaps she just wants to make some memories after all, how often will she get the chance?

But she can make memories with other people in the house?

She could include her husband?

DonLewis · 29/07/2020 08:59

@ukgift2016 what a weird comment!

Op, make vague noises now. See how you feel when and if the time comes.

LaurieFairyCake · 29/07/2020 09:05

Australia has borders shut until July 2021

So your trip isn't happening in February - by the time you get there your kid will be walking and talking and able to go 'feck off Grandma, Mummy is where it's at'

sunbunnydownunder · 29/07/2020 09:05

@CountessFrog

Are your borders actually closed in Australia?

My understanding was that they are open and people have to isolate?

In reality yes. They are letting a very small number of Australian citizens and PR in but its in the hundreds a week. You then have to quarantine in a hotel at your own expense for 2 weeks. You are meet off the plane and bussed to the hotel. It is very hard to travel between states and its not going to change anytime soon especially with whats happening in Victoria and NSW.

If I was the OP I wouldn't be too worried, I can't imagine the borders will be open for visits. My parents have already cancelled their usual plans of spending Christmas here.

CountessFrog · 29/07/2020 09:06

I’m surprised the borders are completely closed. My friends father is terminally ill in Brisbane. Does that mean she can’t get to him?

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 29/07/2020 09:10

At 9 months your baby will def have a mind of it's own! And being left with a stranger will have those lungs working well! Do a trial run. Go to the loo and leave your dm with it.... Confirmation that dc isn't ready for unsupervised time with dgm..

InDreamland · 29/07/2020 09:12

No way would I leave my DC with anyone, family or otherwise, who was a heavy drinker - at least not until they were old enough to be able to look after themselves and call for help if necessary. It weird the way she is constantly insisting being completely alone with baby. No way!

Even if there was no drink problem and no weird insistence about being left alone at this stage I wouldn't feel comfortable with it. It's far too soon and mummy bear instincts kick in. I'm still not ready to be separated from my DD who is 5 months old.

It may be something you don't need to worry about though as you may not be able to travel there with the pandemic going on. For now just say let's see nearer the time but you're right to be weirded out by her request.

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