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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother wanting to be left alone with my baby

87 replies

lissyloulou1 · 29/07/2020 06:57

I just had my first baby 10 weeks ago, she is also my mother's first grandchild.

My mum and dad live in Sydney and ambitiously we are trying to get out to visit in February. During our video calls my mother has been making some weird persistent comments about wanting to be left alone in the house with our daughter.

Its hard to explain, but she keeps saying how she wants everyone including my dad to go out often when we visit so she can be left alone at home with DD. Like not even take her our for a walk in her buggy, or spend time with all of us.

I keep getting a weird feeling about it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
justanotherneighinparadise · 29/07/2020 07:58

I find it weird. It’s as though they want to usurp the mother and I wouldn’t be comfortable at all.

TeddyIsaHe · 29/07/2020 08:00

It’s OP’s mum ffs, not some madman off the street.

Tbh by 9 months of no sleep and a clingy, grouchy baby I probably would have let a madman off the street look after Dd for a couple of hours so I could relax!

See how you feel by Feb, but I don’t think it’s weird at all.

user1493413286 · 29/07/2020 08:01

There’s quite a common theme on here of grandparents wanting that; I’ve not really understood it but I think maybe they think they’ll bond with the baby best on their own? I would just be vague and see how you feel at the time; you might appreciate the chance to get out for a bit on your own or maybe you’d rather not and can say it at the time.

Chanjer · 29/07/2020 08:03

Any reason you should have a weird feeling about it?

slipperywhensparticus · 29/07/2020 08:04

Its weird to be so insistent that her own husband leave

Marnie76 · 29/07/2020 08:09

My MIL requested ‘alone time’ with my DS, the day I got home from the hospital with him! I’d had a caesarean a week before and was breastfeeding. She thought my DH and I could go out for dinner, yes she’s crazy and I said no!

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 29/07/2020 08:09

I wouldn’t be happy with this. I left DD with my mum at around 7m old and it physically felt painful to me. I did it out of necessity.

MIL insisted on taking my 2m old baby for a walk around the block. Told me she’d be 10 minutes. I tried to avoid it happening but she was very insistent. I cried for the hour and a half that they were gone. DH rang them repeatedly but got no answer. As soon as they got back, I took my DD and disappeared off whilst DH told them off.

I’m expecting DD2 in September and it won’t be happening this time. They will get a firm no every time they mention it.

Whynow88 · 29/07/2020 08:10

I had a traumatic birth with prem ds. He was in NICU. 4 days after we got home ex- MIL turned up unannounced at my door while me and ds were both sleeping. She had brought 7, yes SEVEN, extended family members to see ds and take him for a walk. To this day she doesn’t understand why I was so pissed off.
I think people forget themselves in the excitement tbh. Lockdown will help some time pass and a few short walks out so placate her but don’t stress about it. There was also distance between us and MIL which helped!

Gre8scott · 29/07/2020 08:13

Grandmothers are nuts.my relatio ship with my mother changed so much when she became a grandmother she didn't see me anymore and often called my daughter her daughter or her baby. I thi k they want to prove they were good mothers and feel grief that their children are parents now. Tell her no . Shes your baby x

AugieMarch · 29/07/2020 08:16

I’d be surprised if the border opens by February so you may find you spend 2 weeks of your visit in hotel quarantine (I’m presuming you’re Australian and will be able to enter the country) before you see her, so I’d ignore it until much closer to the time.

Irre247 · 29/07/2020 08:17

I had similar with my ex-MIL, she was always offering to have my baby overnight, who was a terrible sleeper and I was BFing. They would go on long holidays, come back and expect to have baby on their own, refuse to spend time with baby at our house and always want to “take her away” in some way or another. For her, I think it stemmed from not having children of her own and in some way wanting to “play mum” with my baby.

I think for now, just try not to worry about it and say you will have to see how things are when you get over there. Baby may be absolutely fine and you will relish the break, or baby won’t be ready and you will have to cross that bridge closer to the time. Mention how nice it will be for you all to do things together, just get the point across gently that you aren’t sure you will be ready to leave baby by then.

Teana89 · 29/07/2020 08:17

I wouldn't worry about it at the moment. Our borders won't be open most likely. Just change the subject or be very noncommittal. You may change your mind by the time you come.

randomchap · 29/07/2020 08:18

Make the decision nearer the time. You may want some time away from the baby to rest and relax, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Phrowzunn · 29/07/2020 08:19

This is one of those weird things that I’ve only ever seen on mumsnet - grandmothers insisting on being alone with their grandchildren. I’ve never heard of or experienced that in real life. I definitely think it’s weird to specify in advance.

BoredHoolet · 29/07/2020 08:20

By 9 months I would think you will be 100% fine with that - but definitely not on the first day.

Try to ignore it. Yes, but weird but she’s obviously focussing on this as an idea. Just leave her to it. If you don’t feel comfortable at the time, you won’t do it.

Original poster
lissyloulou1 · 29/07/2020 08:22

@Tunnocks34 its the last one for sure!

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 29/07/2020 08:22

I think this is quite weird. I have 4 grandchildren and have often babysat when needed but I have never asked to be alone with them for the sake of it.

CountessFrog · 29/07/2020 08:23

My mother was like this, but then she has a personality disorder.

She promised to stay at home with the baby, but the minute I’d gone out she took her to her place of work, where they got stuck in a lift. She was two weeks old.

I divorced her in the end!

Original poster
lissyloulou1 · 29/07/2020 08:24

Sorry to drip feed but want to clear up that my mother and I have a strained relationship. She spent most of my childhood drinking heavily and still glugs wine like she's never seen it before on our video calls.

I think she wants a second crack at mothering tbh.

OP posts:
BreatheAndFocus · 29/07/2020 08:24

Sorry - this is weird! Why doesn’t she want her DH there ‘bonding’ too? What’s she hoping to do while she’s alone with baby - pretend to be mummy? Totally creepy.

The way she’s talking about it now shows it at the front of her mind and a weird obsession.it would make me less likely to agree not more.

Tell her No now and put a stop to this weirdness. It’s your baby and you are in control - not her.

pregnantprayingmantis · 29/07/2020 08:25

My MIL was like this and started when my children were born. She'd take them to whichever room in the house I wasn't in and constantly insist I go out. DH organised a surprise night away for "me" but it was really so his parents could babysit overnight, I was so upset as DD was 3.5 mths old and I was still combination feeding. I completely understand where you are coming from when baby is so young. I think when the baby I older you will feel more comfortable leaving them and probably even enjoy it. The other issue is border closures and quarantine, sadly I don't think there'll be much travel by then so it could be a moot point.

RaininSummer · 29/07/2020 08:26

I think it's very weird too {also a grandmother myself}.

justilou1 · 29/07/2020 08:28

Let her fantasize all she likes... there is no way our borders will be open over here, OP.... Sydney’s just about to have a second wave, btw...

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 29/07/2020 08:29

DH organised a surprise night away for "me" but it was really so his parents could babysit overnight, I was so upset as DD was 3.5 mths old and I was still combination feeding.

Shock Please tell me you didn’t go. My DH understands my anxiety around leaving DD with people and would never push for this.

Pobblebonk · 29/07/2020 08:29

If she's still drinking a lot, you need to tell her this won't be happening. You can't risk her falling asleep or dropping the baby.

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