Mother wanting to be left alone with my baby

[lissyloulou1]

I just had my first baby 10 weeks ago, she is also my mother's first grandchild.

My mum and dad live in Sydney and ambitiously we are trying to get out to visit in February. During our video calls my mother has been making some weird persistent comments about wanting to be left alone in the house with our daughter.

Its hard to explain, but she keeps saying how she wants everyone including my dad to go out often when we visit so she can be left alone at home with DD. Like not even take her our for a walk in her buggy, or spend time with all of us.

I keep getting a weird feeling about it.

AIBU?

@lissyloulou1 It is the norm, but it is very annoying. I'm getting things like this already and i have not even given birth yet!!! (Due mid Aug) People telling me what to do, what i can and can't do, where i should take her, who will look after her.. and so on! Me and my mum have a great relationship but it's my mum and her mum who have the weirdest relationship i have ever come across. Already squabbling about who will have the baby and when, what i don't think they realise is i will certainly be putting my foot down and taking 0 shit from anyone! 💁🏼‍♀️

Yanbu that's a really strange request. I get it to some degree but, baby isn't a toy. You are babies mum, you do whatever you feel is bsst.

My parents live on a different continent, and I my mum and dad say my children for a grand total of about two months over ten years. She's dead now. My kids have very few memories of her and it's difficult to bond with grandparents who live so far away. I wish that they had been able to see their family more and now with hindsight I wish my mum would have been more persistent in spending time alone with them.

I admire your mum for being so direct, and in your shoes I wouldn't hesitate for one second to leave the two of them to bond for a few hours.

Call her out on it. Why are you so keen to be alone with the baby in the house mother?

I don't think your post is strange at all. It's the wrong vibe for your mum to be pushing and bound to make you feel uneasy when your baby is so small. I remember when I had my son, my MIL talking enthusiastically about how I'd put him on a train and send him down to her for holidays - of course she meant when he was older, but it was a crazy thing to vaunt at that stage and I wouldn't entertain it then, or even now he's older quite frankly. And of course she's shut up about it now it's a reality. So I'd chalk it up to over-enthusiasm and not agree to anything you're not comfortable with just because she's insistent. If possible, try to downplay that side of things and say "we'll see how we feel then" or "i might miss her too much so don't get your hopes up, but it'll be lovely all to be together" sort of thing. YANBU.

Some friends of ours went to visit their Son and his wife and their little boy in the US .Upon arrival ,said Son and his Wife announced they had made plans for a weeks trip to New York ,and "knew " Mum and Dad wouldnt mind looking after DS!(aged about 1 at the time) leaving them at home! Maybe explain to DM that while you are happy for her to look after babe sometimes ,Baby needs you and you dont want to upset the routine .

As a grandmother I can give bit of insight to this I think! I would not have believed the incredibly strong feelings I have for my grandchildren before they were born, possibly even stronger than with my own children. It is hard to form a bond though when all baby wants is it’s mum so I’m guessing that is where this is coming from. That said it is a bit weird to make demands already, perhaps it’s thinking out loud or wishful thinking!
Either way it’s likely to be a disaster, you can’t force a close relationship with a grandchild, it evolves over time.

I think if she still drinks heavily it would be a No from me TBH! Babies need someone fully focused on them all the time!

Based on my experience of travelling to Australia with a baby....the jet lag was horrendous. The first week was a truly hard slog and I’d have been delighted had my sister insisted on some alone time with my baby at the end of that. (She had her own baby, so didn’t).

Bide you’re time and don’t say anything yet as it could just be initial flurry of excitement that will wane.

YANBU to find it all a bit odd and the insistence would annoy me, but not to the extent of saying anything. In 7 mths time you’ll be a more experienced Mum, so make your call then.

It would be a NO from me, especially with the drinking issue.
But you don't need a reason not to leave your baby alone with anyone.
Trust your gut.

@lissyloulou1 YANBU. I would just say nothing, wait and see.

While it's absolutely great for grandparents to bond, I think it's YOUR decision who you leave your DD with alone. I have left my baby (3mo at the time) with both my parents and DH parents (we were skiing, they were babysitting and we kept swapping) but we were always a hop away and everyone was comfortable.

I think you are just none comital for now and see how you feel at the time. You might bite her name off by February for some alone time.
That said, the drinking for me would be an issue and I find it very odd with the whole wanting to be alone. Why would she want that?