To be so dissapointed in myself at how hard I find parenting.

[Chantelli]

Professionally I work with children in a clinical setting.

I love children and getting on with them is a professional strength.

At the moment, a day spent with my own children reduces me to periodic weeping - they are SO irritating. Ds is 10 and Dd is 5. Trying to get any chores done while they are in the house is a constant barrage of they are bored or arguing. We can't just potter, sort some things out and then go and do something nice - they slow me down by constant pestering and arguments and I can't focus on all the different demands so can't get done what needs to he done and then it's so late we don't get out.
I'm just finding spending time with both unenjoyable unless it is with dp doing a whole day out. Basically I can't parent on my own without breaking into tears of frustration regularly.

How am I so shit at this? Really down on myself as a parent, person and a professional. Going camping tomorrow and sleepless with worry about how hard even finishing the packing up and the few chores will be before we set off.

Lower your expectations. Massively. Why be sleepless over a trip? A trip is meant to be something fun and nice. If it is causing you anxiety, it is not going to be fun or nice. Yes, trips involve some stress, but not to this level. Give the kids a list and tell them to go and find/sort out the stuff you need. Even if they do a bit of a shit job, they'll be preoccupied for a while.

Go out and do something nice, then come home and do chores. You've realised it doesn't work the other way round, so why fight it? Or set a limit - I'll do 15 minutes of chores, then we'll go out.

At 5 and 10, they should be able to help out or at least not bother you for a while. This may involve shutting doors firmly in their faces. Do you do everything for them? Or do they chip in generally?

Do you have a partner? How much do they do?

What sort of discipline do they receive for this? I think parenting is frustrating when your kids are like this but it can be fixed. Do they help with the chores?

Stop giving yourself a hard time. The two situations aren’t the same at all.

In your work setting, the children will be a little in awe of you, behave well for you. And you are working, focusing on one task.

At home, your children aren’t in awe of you, they aren’t scared, they are relaxed enough and feel safe enough to push boundaries. And you are trying to hoover, look after two children, prepare breakfast, answer the phone, remember to take supper out of the freezer all at the same time.

I just feel so sad as spending time with them I used to find a joy - we'd set up baking and board games and painting and I'd absolutely love it. These days they play together by screaming and fighting pretty constantly which I find causes me so much stress my feet tingle and I get quite a bad stutter. Nothing I seem to do stops this for any length of time aside from handing both a device or going out for the day.

" I find causes me so much stress my feet tingle and I get quite a bad stutter"

That sounds like something you should see a doctor for.

Sorry I x posted

They see me as ineffectual and truth be told, i am. I just cannot cope with the multiple demands of parenting running a house and anything additional. While comparison is the theif of joy I can see clearly my neighbours with similar age children do not have this problem and are much stricter than me, to the point of being fairly draconian but it certainly seems more functional than my set up

I appreciate comments about the difference between work and home for me - different settings but still the difference throws me and is something I have preciously taken pride in.

Ok so what’s your plan going forward? Continue like this or put in some changes?

If my DCs bicker I separate them. Send to their rooms.

It's tough OP. Saying no is hard but if their behaviour is unacceptable you have to tell them.

I'm a teacher and my DCs don't look up to me like children at school do. They are relaxed at home and push the boundaries quite a bit. Don't beat yourself up.

Yes to sending to rooms.
Yes to a different plan.

Ive been to see doctor about feet tingling and stutter - stress related.
So far the different plan is summer holiday club while i have annual leave

Sorry I'm just moaning but it's almost worse than what I'm writing down here - the truth is on some days they are so rude, ungrateful, disrespectful and unpleasant singularly and in combination I feel actual misery, regret, sheer irritation and then boom - dislike. I am SO disappointed in myself.
I genuinely never ever thought I would have these thoughts

So what do you do when they are rude and disrespectful? (This is key to any advice).

I point it out, say its unacceptable and give them a warning that if they do it again there will be sanctions. Which is then removing somerthing or sending to rooms.

Do you ever spend time with them individually, one on one? That must be key to your plan.

You sound like you possibly have a busy job, and don't have much help? My advice is buy help and invest in individual time with each child. At 5 and 10 they need completely different things from you.

The problem is when it is one long 'stop don't, enough, listen' while trying to sort the camping gear, for example. I just feel so drained and disheartened and overwhelmed and tired - I worked through lockdown and haven't had a day of annual leave since Xmas.

@GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat

So what do you do when they are rude and disrespectful? (This is key to any advice).

This - if children are unpleasant it is generally because they are not getting the guidance/deterrents/incentive they need to be better.

Yes I agree about buying in help and doing things separately. I will book separate holiday clubs next week and do some individual things.
One of the problems is that my 5 yo wants to do whar the 10 yo does and that in itself is very problematic.

I found dd changed a lot at about 10. No longer into little kiddie things. I think your issue age gap parenting.

Will your 10 yo will amuse themselves? Perhaps have a chat with them about giving them some alone time to do 10 yo stuff. However, being part of the household, your 5 yo also wants to spend time with them so negotiate times when they are apart and times when the 10 yo will play 5 yo games.

Then how to tackle your 5 yo, who by the sound of it wants to be with your 10 all the time? Sticker charts - one of them being playing by themselves for half an hour. Make sure you have something easy to occupy them - colouring, crafting etc. Then schedule some time to play with them too.

Get your 5 yo to help out a bit with what you’re doing if you are able and your 10 yo to do some things as well. Eg putting their laundry away, tiding their room, laying the table, unstacking the dishwasher etc.

Thank you this is very helpful. Should also say ds dyspraxic with autism traits also makes things tricky for me.

@Chantelli

Sorry I x posted

They see me as ineffectual and truth be told, i am. I just cannot cope with the multiple demands of parenting running a house and anything additional. While comparison is the theif of joy I can see clearly my neighbours with similar age children do not have this problem and are much stricter than me, to the point of being fairly draconian but it certainly seems more functional than my set up

I appreciate comments about the difference between work and home for me - different settings but still the difference throws me and is something I have preciously taken pride in.

My guess is you are probably right about this.

It's a totally different thing getting along with other people's kids in a job, and being with your own, and some of the things that work for the former will fail for the latter.

I also work with kids and I tend to be collaborative with them in my job. That's my natural tendency. But while overall I have a similar personality at home, I've found I have to manage it very differently. Part has been necessity, I have four and watch two others and I simply cannot always attend to them when and where they want. I have to have boundaries around lots of things.

My husband's personality is in many ways much less flexible, and in some ways the kids respond better to it - I've tried to learn from his approach where it seems to have better results.

Maybe an idea is to try to change a few things, maybe along the lines of what you see with the neighbours. Or having time set out for you to do chores, where the kids need to simply entertain themselves in another part of the house. See how it goes.

I have to get earlier than the kids and use this time for a quick whizz round of jobs and a coffee in peace while I prepare my head for the day. My two also have a 5 year gap and bicker a lot. Its awful .

This - if children are unpleasant it is generally because they are not getting the guidance/deterrents/incentive they need to be better.

Do you have any suggestions? Sorry for the derail op. I take away devices, wifi, etc and try to give incentives too but my tween is still a rude little so and so.

Just as an aside - you mention about you not being able to get anything done (this was my complaint too). Does your DH do his fair share of ‘getting things done’? Or are you doing your job, most of the childcare, admin, errands, cooking/shopping, and housework?

I don’t know what to say we are like your neighbours we have been “”strict” from the off - zero tolerance to any sort of insult or whining. Absolutely won’t accept it never have. I have been horrified over the years at how other parents have let their dc speak to them! Really wet. We have never had discipline problems.

I might be barking up the wrong tree here and if so forgive me but I wonder if you’ve not quite made your peace with the underlying assumptions you had about parenting while you were child-free and working in childcare? It’s common for people in that situation to think they have all the answers and parents in general are a bit shit. It would be understandable if you had set views about what parents should do which worked just fine across an eight hour working day but which doesn’t work at all with your own children 24/7.

Perhaps let those assumptions go, and tell yourself it’s fine to have been wrong. It’s fine to be tougher with them. It’s fine to shout if talking isn’t working! And also that kids’ relationships with their siblings go in phases. Your 5 year old probably has much clearer ideas about what they want to do now whereas at 8 and 3 your 8 year old was basically in charge. This will settle down but your 10 year old needs support on compromising and your 5 year old needs support on assertiveness strategies which don’t involve a tantrum. Siblings Without Rivalry is a good book if you’ve not read it.

@MsTSwift but how do you actually put zero tolerance into practice? Is it by removing things, talking sternly etc?