To be so dissapointed in myself at how hard I find parenting.

[Chantelli]

Professionally I work with children in a clinical setting.

I love children and getting on with them is a professional strength.

At the moment, a day spent with my own children reduces me to periodic weeping - they are SO irritating. Ds is 10 and Dd is 5. Trying to get any chores done while they are in the house is a constant barrage of they are bored or arguing. We can't just potter, sort some things out and then go and do something nice - they slow me down by constant pestering and arguments and I can't focus on all the different demands so can't get done what needs to he done and then it's so late we don't get out.
I'm just finding spending time with both unenjoyable unless it is with dp doing a whole day out. Basically I can't parent on my own without breaking into tears of frustration regularly.

How am I so shit at this? Really down on myself as a parent, person and a professional. Going camping tomorrow and sleepless with worry about how hard even finishing the packing up and the few chores will be before we set off.

@MsTSwift - you seem to be struggling with reading the room.

I don’t think MrsT is entirely wrong though. I have three children and I’m a teacher and I apply the same principle to all children that I won’t tolerate arguing and scrapping. You do see people weakly telling children to stop doing something and being seemingly worried that if they tell their children off they won’t like them. I’m not calling the op weak, she sounds tired more than anything, but letting children argue with each other can be prevented.

Whatever - anecdata anyway - know numerous lovely families healthy non sen kids the ones whose parents were wet kids now treat them like dirt at 13 ones with stricter parents dont. That’s what I see if that angers people 🤷‍♀️

Haven't had time to read the whole thread.

My advice is stop trying to do it all at once. Spend some time actively playing with the kids. Devote yourself for 30 mins. Get them set up with something. Enjoy it with them. Then you can have an hour to get on.

You're spreading yourself too thinly. They need some time with you. That way they might not follow you round and demand your attention while you wash up/do laundry/whatever it is needs doing.

And done ne too hard on your self! It's not easy, it's full on and full time in a way no job ever is! Carve out some time for yourself to recharge your batteries.

Re poor behaviour, if you tell them off, offer a consequence, be realistic (a short sharp you can't have this for 30 mins for example rather than no xbox for a month!) and follow through. It doesn't mean being draconian, but it does mean being in charge and them knowing it.

Parenting is hard. Personally all the parents I know, inc myself have times when they wonder if they are doing enough etc. Why are other kids better behaved than mine etc. All the phrases do pass & it does get easier, although it’s hard to see the wood for the trees at times.

My two DS’ were very close in age, DS1 was 21mths when his brother arrived, that made life a bit easier as they liked the same activities, tv programmes. Board games were a no no, as DS1 would play nicely but DS2 when ensure that the game would become a war zone pretty quickly. So we put those away for a while. My two needed a lot of physical activity, trampoline, park, running, football, that seemed to help behaviour.

My two are 19 & 17 now and are best friends, so they seem to have come through unscathed.

Try not to worry, the stress won’t do you any good, do you ever get a break? It sound like you are doing a great job to be honest OP.

@MsTSwift
Yes, some parents do this. What about the others, who parent with good boundaries and still have issues?

Christ knows ask an expert.

Parenting burnout is real.

But to the PP who said it was hard because her DD loved setting up small world models and her other child liked to “rough play” and knock them down, that’s not rough play, it’s your other child being a nasty little so and so and I’d come down on it like a ton of bricks. Seriously, zero tolerance of that kind of nonsense. Seeing you lose your temper might do them some good- you’re their mother, not Mary fucking Poppins.

We were in the park yesterday and there were some key stage 2 aged boys hitting each other with sticks whilst parents looked on benignly. Then one of them turned round and clouted a parent, not with any malice but just because that was the game. Parent lost their mind, but to be honest what do you expect? You reap what you sow and if you sit back and watch crappy behaviour, you get crappy behaviour. Yes, it’s exhausting to have to tackle every little thing but you need to.

Hi, I have similar feelings about my kids at the moment. I've put it down to spending so much time together, all 3 off school since March, the kids are bored and have had enough, as have I. OH has worked throughout away from home, so it's been tough.
And I always presumed it would get easier as they get older, but the problems just change into something new, and I find it frustrating that my 12 year old is still causing me as much stress as my 2 year old, but over different things like still needing to check he has done his teeth, tidy his room, call him 5 times to help out with something etc.
I think going forward, yes take any extra paid or family help you can. Take breaks for yourself, it's perfectly OK and totally needed to go off for some time to yourself (hard with the current circumstances) but to a cafe alone, shops, just off to see a friend alone. Otherwise you reach burnout. I find these little breaks help me to see life outside of the home and makes me a bit calmer.
It's particularly tough at the moment with not having the access to normal life, kids at school and school events etc.

Hope your camping trip brings less stress than you imagine, I always find holidays 50/50 with the stress from being the organiser and constantly on the go trying to do it, with other times being enjoyable. But I dread the packing too!!

...or the trust

I've been with my daughter every single day since lockdown I've carried the can as my husband works longer hours. Last week my husband asked why we were in separate rooms watching tv to which I bit his head off and 2 she went for a play date for 6hours and I went shopping then watching rap tv and drank hot tea.i lovebeig with ny daughter but I'm bored now weve run out of things to do give your self a break this isnt normal life x

Sorry, quite fail - this was meant to quote @Bitchinkitchen

if children are unpleasant it is generally because they are not getting the guidance/deterrents/incentive they need to be better.

*quote fail

I don't think children are only 'good' if they are incentivised or threatened.

Dh and I parent so differently. I see a very obvious difference to how they behave with him than when they are with me. So maybe @MsTSwift has a point. It seems like people are desperate for others not to talk about the obvious points sometimes.

I'm really sorry you are feeling like this

You sound like you're really hard on yourself and that you have really high expectations. You're also taking their behaviour really personally. I work in a school and you can see how damaging it is when teachers take kids misbehaviour personally.

Your dc have been in lockdown for a long time. You haven't had a day off since xmas. And you're trying to prepare for a camping trip . You really cant compare your previous board game and baking parenting to life right now. Siblings all over the country are fighting and bickering so much.

Drop your standards. Stop taking it personally. Be kind to yourself. If you want to send them to holiday camp while you take annual leave, then that is more than fine. Own it. If they have to go on device from now til school starts, really that's okay. I know loads of parents whose children are spending so much time on device right now. These are loving, caring parents with well-adjusted.

Why then are friends kids beautifully behaved with other adults and no parent when parent arrives turn rude defiant and aggressive and speak to them in a way they would never speak to me or another adult? Seen it time and time again....

@Leah00

I don't think children are only 'good' if they are incentivised or threatened.

I did say guidance first!

And by incentives, i don't necessarily mean bribery. I think a lot of the time as parents our expectations are far too high. We want our children to be giving us 10/10 most of the time, when in fact the best they're capable of (at a stretch) is an 8 or 9. So when they're trying their best and giving solid 8 behaviour and not receiving any credit for it, they soon feel hard done by and like they shouldn't bother. You have to incentivise good behaviour by rewarding it, not with TV time or sweets or toys, but with positive behaviour of your own. This is usually praise, love and quality time, for OP she'll find it easier if she does things like ringfence time for her 10yr old to be little sib free, and engage her 5yr old in a perceived "adult" activity so they feel less like the baby of the house. 5 years is a huge gap at the moment, one has literally double the life experience of the other, and i expect that expecting them to get on is the root of the behaviour problems. They're not going to get on. Hence the "guidance" section of my advice.

When parenting children you have to make it easy to succeed, behaviourally not a real word but you know what i mean , or they quickly get overwhelmed with failure and stop trying.

This is a strange and tough time for many of us, don't underestimate how difficult things are for yourself and also for your children.

I would consider sending your children to holiday clubs one at a time so that you have time with each on a one to one basis.

I think learning to get along with a sibling doesn't always come naturally and a parent can help a lot by equipping each child with the skills they need to navigate the situation and reinforcing cooperative behaviours.

Maybe getting up an hour early to get some jobs done would help so you have one less thing to juggle during this difficult period.

I agree with previous posters that this is a phase that will not last forever. Be kind to yourself too, you cannot pour from an empty pot.

"Why then are friends kids beautifully behaved with other adults and no parent when parent arrives turn rude defiant and aggressive and speak to them in a way they would never speak to me or another adult?"

Because they are more comfortable with the parents.

I'm not saying there are no issues, far from it. But you're seeing a very very small piece of it and extrapolating a lot.

@Bitchinkitchen I love your post. Yes, we should have high expectations, but like you say, a 10 is just not achievable most of the time. I am not at a 10 most of the time myself.

I have problems with perfectionism, so I will keep your post in mind when parenting my (still very new) child.

@MsTSwift

Why then are friends kids beautifully behaved with other adults and no parent when parent arrives turn rude defiant and aggressive and speak to them in a way they would never speak to me or another adult? Seen it time and time again....

That's incredibly common though, the vast majority of children are better behaved for other people than their parents. It's because, with non-familial adults, there isn't the trust of unconditional love, there's the fear of upsetting or angering and causing them to "hate" you that well attached children don't have with their parents. You can be a little shit to your mum and she will love you forever anyway. This is really common and actually a sign generally of good parenting rather than bad.

"Why then are friends kids beautifully behaved with other adults and no parent when parent arrives turn rude defiant and aggressive and speak to them in a way they would never speak to me or another adult?"

Because almost without fail their parents let them. See it all the time. Parenting is hard, that’s a fact and we learn as we go, and of course some kids vary wildly, but if your child speaks to you rudely and you don’t pull them up on it or they are a shit to their sibling and you let it slide then these are problems you are making worse.

I agree with sending the children to club separately so you can spend time one on one, but also get some time for yourself.

Loads of good advice here.

I am in a similar situation. Demented I am. Demented from the screaming, fighting, constant head noise from their none stop flapping gobs.

I’m shit at it too, if it were based upon interview, I’d be laughed out of the room.
But
Practically speaking, best thing EVER...divide and separate their asses.
List of jobs for 10 year old at one end of the house, 2 or 3 jobs for the screamer at the other end.

Make this your mantra...separate their asses...

NEVER...repeat...NEVER allow them to have contact with each other. (Until the 10 year old is 18, by which time they will be in the grunting, shutting themselves in a bedroom for 23 hours a day phase and no words shall come forth)

Allow one at a time to enter the downstairs ...do this in shifts.

Obviously you need to feed them. So one in the kitchen, the other somewhere else (do you have a garage?)

It’s the only fecking thing that switches off the constant noise in this house, plus gives me breathing room.
Good luck, you are not shot, you are where many of us are, it’s not a failure, it’s shit but it’s bringing up kids.
No more than that.
This too shall pass don’t you know.

I’m not trying to disagree with bitchin though, she’s right that being positive about anything good you see is vital. Fostering a balance between reinforcing positive behaviour but firm about Undesirable behaviour is key.