To be so dissapointed in myself at how hard I find parenting.

[Chantelli]

Professionally I work with children in a clinical setting.

I love children and getting on with them is a professional strength.

At the moment, a day spent with my own children reduces me to periodic weeping - they are SO irritating. Ds is 10 and Dd is 5. Trying to get any chores done while they are in the house is a constant barrage of they are bored or arguing. We can't just potter, sort some things out and then go and do something nice - they slow me down by constant pestering and arguments and I can't focus on all the different demands so can't get done what needs to he done and then it's so late we don't get out.
I'm just finding spending time with both unenjoyable unless it is with dp doing a whole day out. Basically I can't parent on my own without breaking into tears of frustration regularly.

How am I so shit at this? Really down on myself as a parent, person and a professional. Going camping tomorrow and sleepless with worry about how hard even finishing the packing up and the few chores will be before we set off.

I feel for you op. My two are also 5 and 10, and I'm often disappointed that they don't get along better.
My dd wants to set out little models in a imaginary world and the other wants to rough play and knock down the models. I'm predicting that once the eldest is around 11 or 12 that freedoms associated with high school will mean that they get away from each other a bit easier.
I find the 5 year old thinks he's 10 in most respects and the 10 year old thinks the 5 year old should be able to think like a 10 year old as he is acting like one. This means the 10 year old has completely unrealistic expectations of the 5 year old and causes loads of issues.

I too had a camping trip a couple of weeks ago. The memories of the packing have not left me yet, and it's still not all been put away.

Lockdown meant that they had to watch more screens than usual so I could actually teach them as the youngest needed me one on one. It helped at the time but now I'm wishing I found another way as I find too much screen time to be apparent in their behaviour. The very slight boredom from not having screens makes them far more cooperative when it comes to chores or even just playing with each other nicely.

I too have a profession linked to working with children and often feel a failure at home because of it. But I know deep down that both roles are very different, and I'm not failing-I'm finding my way.

I guess what I'm saying is that I think this is a particularly difficult stage. In another year high school will reset everything. That's not to say don't do anything about it until then, don't be afraid to change what you can in the meantime.

I rarely see anyone with my kids age gap -if you want to stay in touch and swap ideas I'd be more than happy to. 💐

@MsTSwift how very smug and unhelpful 🙄

I feel you, OP. I used to send mine to their rooms when they got too much. And if it got really bad and they wouldn't, and kept on at the bickering and pestering i used to go to my room and read. And lock the door.

have fun camping

@SmiledWithTheRisingSun and not just that but not always workable for every family. My baby has always been a good sleeper. I put him in his bed and he sleeps. I know I am extremely lucky and I'm hardly going to say to people who have issues with a non sleeping baby "just put them in the crib!!"

Some children are harder to parent than others.

My children are completely different ages (4 and 1) but I hear you on the frustration of not being able to get a simple task completed. I also get overwhelmed by noise, so when DD is talking and asking non-stop questions, DS is protesting because he wants to eat raw chicken, someone put the radio on, I just want to scream. I also get exhausted managing the different demands. DD wants to play Lego or games without DS wrecking them. DS wants to join in but inevitably knocks things over. Having one of them at a time is a breeze in comparison.

I don't have much advice as what works at this age is different. I do use screens for short bursts e.g. to cook dinner. Sometimes it works to go out early and then come home to play/do chores, but other times I am frustrated they still won't play quietly after a great morning out. Good luck!

Might help readers with tiny kids not to be sappy parents. Friends who’ve been too wet with their own kids from toddlerhood are now treated appallingly by them now they early teens. Some parents are scared to be firm in case the child doesn’t “like” them with awful results.

Totally agree with the comments about keeping your professional life in a separate box in your head. It's completely different, and the comparisons are making you feel worse!

I also find it helps me to remember that they are just being normal kids. It's really really normal to bicker with your sibling and act ungrateful to your parent. They're probably feeling bored and cooped up by lockdown too?

Your kids sound well within the normal range of behaviour, and your methods of discipline (give a warning, remove tech, separate them) seem appropriate too. So I wonder if it's your own response you need to change? You do sound very stressed and miserable. Leave behind the perfect picture of baking and playing together nicely. That's not the phase they're in at the moment - let it go. Try not to think about how you wish things could be.

Chin up OP! I think you're doing better than you think your are.

How about screen time when you have a job to do like sorting out the camping gear? If they'll play on the iPad or games console for an hour while you do what you needs to be done then I'd do it. The job gets done quicker and you can then do something together after. Have you considered a cleaner? Online food shopping will save you time?

I sympathise
I am a not very good parent.
I put mine in (a great, nurturing) kids club when I was off work in the holidays.
They loved it.

Mine are less than 2 years apart in age but never played together and I couldn't find anything to do that they both enjoyed. My youngest has autism and has poor co-ordination, can't really play games, can't go out on a bike and has an incredibly narrow range of interests (think trains and comics) and is super noise sensitive and makes some odd noises himself sometimes ( he is a sweety though),
My older one likes gaming, gourmet dining and city breaks and has no interest in his 'embarrassing' brother

When I took them to a fete, swimming (or something like that i thought could be a quality day out) I quite often used to end up close to or in tears because it was so difficult.

I couldn't really take them on holiday without someone else with me so we can do separate things.

I have no advice really- just muddle through

I have the exact same age gap with my 2 girls. Feel that @Just2MoreSeasons has hit the nail on the head. We experience similar and felt it was just us! Also we don't know many with the same age gap so hard to compare.

What I do know is that I feel like most parents haven't had a break in the last 4 months and certainly feel like I need time away on my own!!

Yes I have been there (still there now with teens that are twice the size of me) Op, I have the tingling feet and other things too - I was also told by the GP that it is 'extreme stress', brought on by the lockdown and will clear up of its own accord. I find it gets much worse when the children kick off, and I feel overwhelmed, it is not pleasant.

Can I just say you sound exhausted, not a bad parent.

You have not had a day off since Christmas!! In what sounds like a very responsible and full on job, and the only day you are taking off you are now camping?! You are better parent than me! I would have checked into a spa hotel for several nights with some treatments, a kids club and some wraparound care. Are you not able to book anything that will take the edge off your tiredness? There is still hotel availability when I checked last night. Camping is hard work, and likely to make you feel even worse....

Personally I have been in your place, and this is what I did, I am not sure of your financial situation but quite frankly this is an emergency if you can find the money, then do:

You need cleaning help, if you have it, then increase the hours so your precious time off is not wasted with the chores and you can focus on the dc. Even if its just for the holidays

Book a spring clean day if you can stretch to it, get the whole house done in one go, and then it is easier to stay on top of

Book a babysitter for one afternoon a week as a bare minimum and take some time off. You will burn out if you continue

It sounds to me like the dc are fighting to get your attention, pack all your bags and get up early to do the chores, so when the children are up, you are ready to go.

Don't hold back with the consequences if they are rude, one warning and then follow through. It is easy when we are tired to become more lax because we are exhausted, the ten year old will capitalise on that and the five year old will copy.

Try and get out for the mornings, and leave the afternoons to 'potter' and relax. I find dc are more amenable to pottering if you they have had some fresh air and a change of scene.

I think you need to remember above all that the lockdown has had the most massive impact on all of us, dc included, please cut yourself some slack and be kind when they are angry. Angry is just another way of expressing sadness. It has been awful for everyone, it will pass, but we have to expect this summer to be hard, it was always going to be.

for you. Loosen up on the camping trip with wine and music, try and make the most of it (and book something relaxing when you get back!!)

This is what I do. It doesn't always work! My DC are similar aches to yours although smaller age gap.

I tidy the house every night when they're in bed. So we start with a clean slate every morning.

I keep them with me if I can when I'm doing jobs. Even if this makes the job a bit longer overall. So when jobs absolutely have to be done, they're occupied either doing something alongside me or helping me. I basically give them a constant stream of clear the table / put the cutlery away / tidy the shoe rack / brush up with the dustpan and brush / pair the socks / take things upstairs / bring me something from upstairs / get their bags ready / brush their teeth / get their coats and shoes ready / go and put something in the outside bin / bring washing in off the line etc. Etc. That way they're not actually 'bored', they're not trashing another part of the house, they're understanding that things have to be done, and if it works, we get a bit of downtime together. Otherwise my downtime consists entirely of cranky kids / trashed house!

MY DH tends to prefer to let them go on tablets etc. While he gets stuff done and yeah, the place gets trashed! Drives me nuts when this happens while I'm working because I stop work and have to sort eveyone out. My DH has disabilities though that make it difficult for him. It's relentless OP, I feel for you!

Lots of us dislike camping at the best of times. Even for those who like it it can be a massive amount of domestic work! Not surprising you’ve mixed feelings about that.

Sounds like you have one DC’s additional needs and sibling rivalry to contend with.

Are you single? If you have a partner do you share the parenting and domestics?

Wondering if brainstorming ideas to do with parenting, eg discipline, plus some ideas to help your own health and wellbeing, could help.

Don't beat yourself up OP. Everyone is tired and on edge at the moment. Kids can be especially annoying just before a trip. My DD was like that and I now realise it was anxiety acting it's way out.

I'd hold off discipline/rules to get through the next 24 hours and resort to bribery/screens/chocolate, anything for an easier life in the short term. Talk them through their behaviour when everyone is calmer.

Disclaimer: I'm also a bit of a shit parent at times but I think we all are, just don't worry about it. You have happy, healthy, loved children and in the long run this moment will be forgotten

Sorry, have seen you have a DP. Do they do their fair share? Eg you mention organising the stuff for camping.

I am so glad @madbirdlady22has pointed out the obvious - you’ve had no break for getting on for 7 months! You must be shattered. No wonder you’re finding things tough. I’m also struck you never mention a dp - are you a lone parent?

My dc have a smaller age gap but my eldest also struggles with the younger wanting to do things with her constantly and wanting her own space. As others have also said Coronavirus has been so tough on everyone. I don’t think beating yourself up for natural feelings of irritation is going to help. It sound like you have v high and maybe unrealistic expectations of yourself as a parent. Haven’t loads of teachers on here posted about how hard it’s been to teach their own dc?

It sound like you need a break. Def get some annual leave booked in, kids in holiday club and use time off to do something for you to recharge. No one is going to be at their best when they’re exhausted and stressed.

Mine are 12 and 9. I found the change from small adorable, malleable children to older children with their own minds quite difficult and I pinned it down to a couple of things.

1. Control and perfectionism . I like to have control and for things to be nice and happy . You can’t expect tweens to always fit into that narrative . Sitting playing princesses or paw patrol just doesn’t happen anymore
2. The constant joy that springs from small children is gone and it can be difficult and I mourn those lost days

However if you approach it with the attitude of it being different but still kind of wonderful it does get better

What about a list of ten things they have to help pack, the older one reads it and the younger one puts it on the bag.

3 tins of beans, each ones blanket and teddy, a book for each of them, a jar of peanut butter. Whatever it might be.

If they can pack the list together nicely, they can have their devices while you finish up the packing. Screen time gets a bad rap but it has a very firm place in allowing parents to get stuff done.

As a childfree person tend to believe women are largely sold a lie about parenthood in general.

I agree to lower your expectations. I note you mention several times about struggles with your children due to them suffering boredom & in turn bothering you.

I find it bemusing watching this generation of parents who focus on the importance of playing with their children, almost as if to relive childhood all over again. As someone who disliked being a child & looked forward to growing up, can imagine had I been a parent would not have tolerated being whined at about being “bored” which is a priveliged problem. The imagination should never allow a child to be bored & indeed I was never bored when I was a child or allowed to complain to adults about this. It did me no harm as to this day still never suffer from boredom.

In your position I would encourage creative play with your children so they can learn to self soothe & find entertainment on their own without looking to you as the main source of entertainment. Now this won’t necessarily be easy, but it is arguable a valuable skill to learn so is wise to invest in it.

I would go so far as to strip access to digital technologies & go back to basics with books & board games, introducing technologies as they earn them back with no complaints of boredom.

Op I could have written this post, but my kids are younger and I'm a single parent. It's sooooo hard. I'm not sure how you guys are fixed in the UK buy play dates help us massively, being outside and doing outdoor activities helps. One to one time with the kids and then some time to yourself is also important. I also read recently and I've been trying it, is when you get super frustrated to run your hands under cold water. It's a sensory thing meant to help calm your nerves. I've also started talking to a psychologist which is helping massively and I've asked they're dad for more help. Well done for asking for help, you're already half way there.

MsTSwift you got lucky. It’s not your parenting, it’s your child. Even the best ‘most strict’ parenting doesn’t work on some children for many reasons (undiagnosed ADD, autism, other special needs or just personality) don’t be so smug and self righteous. It’s not you, you have easy kids. I know you’ll disagree because you want to carry on feeling superior and continue to attack OP’s self confidence when she is feeling down already. That in itself is not the behaviour of a ‘good’ parent. Give her a break.

I think most parents can relate to this.
During lockdown mine fought with each other pretty much everyday for a period of about 4 weeks. It made me want to cry. It’s just so tedious and you find yourself falling into that role of perpetual nag. There’s no joy.
Yours might be going through a phase where they particularly irritate each other.
To separate them where possible helps. To focus on only the really important jobs and forget about the less important ones for a while also helps. Reduce your ‘to do’ list.
Also I know this probably isn’t recommended but I chose to ignore all but the really bad or dangerous behaviour because I was exhausted of picking up on every misdemeanour.

Big age gaps here, my suggestion is find active things to do- the age gaps are less noticeable then, and (if you can) encourage 10yo to help/support 5yo with activities/equipment outdoors.

For age appropriate chores: www.flandersfamily.info/web/2013/11/13/age-appropriate-chores-for-children/

I know some people think children shouldn’t have to do any chores. I don’t see my children as slave labour, but they can do some simple tasks and it’s training in life skills. They need those skills when they move out in order to not be useless adults.

Be easier on yourself. Lockdown has been hard on everyone, children included. It’s no wonder your patience is at the very limit. When all else fails, I get up early and sit in complete silence with a really good coffee. That won’t work for everyone, but find one thing that you LOVE that counts as self-care. Do that thing and regularly. It’s the life-saving scenario- you can’t save anyone else if you’re drowning.

Last piece of advice- even when you’re finding it really really hard, spend 1/2 hour minimum each week doing something your individual DC wants to- 1/2 hr per child. 1hr if you can manage it, you can give them boundaries- ie it can’t cost any money, but if they want to play a board game/watch a film/bake a cake- you do that thing with them and with them alone. When things are challenging I have to work harder at building the relationship. It was a piece of advice I was given on a parenting course and it really stuck.

Not talking about op but have seen perfectly healthy non sen kids allowed to treat their parents like dirt then the parents wonder why they’ve no leverage or respect when Dc are older.

I would go so far as to strip access to digital technologies & go back to basics with books & board games

Erm, I am not sure you are in the right place to be stripping anything back, you will end up with a huge battle on your hands as well as everything else. I would not be doing take out tech in a middle of a pandemic. Big changes like stripping out tech would need to be done when you were feeling at your strongest.