To be so dissapointed in myself at how hard I find parenting.

[Chantelli]

Professionally I work with children in a clinical setting.

I love children and getting on with them is a professional strength.

At the moment, a day spent with my own children reduces me to periodic weeping - they are SO irritating. Ds is 10 and Dd is 5. Trying to get any chores done while they are in the house is a constant barrage of they are bored or arguing. We can't just potter, sort some things out and then go and do something nice - they slow me down by constant pestering and arguments and I can't focus on all the different demands so can't get done what needs to he done and then it's so late we don't get out.
I'm just finding spending time with both unenjoyable unless it is with dp doing a whole day out. Basically I can't parent on my own without breaking into tears of frustration regularly.

How am I so shit at this? Really down on myself as a parent, person and a professional. Going camping tomorrow and sleepless with worry about how hard even finishing the packing up and the few chores will be before we set off.

I have 2 DD the same age and cried and cried last night for just the same reasons.

Lockdown has been hard. Be kind to yourself; safe in the knowledge it's not just you who feels like this. Wish I had answers though!

It's shit right now OP. By the sounds of things you need a break, especially if you've not had a day off since Christmas!

I find my kids hard work. I posted about it on here pre lockdown and got ripped to shreds. My eldest is being diagnosed for SEN, it is becoming apparent in the process of researching this to support him, I have similar behaviours and my own mum definitely has too. Since coming to this realisation, it's helped me a lot. I've realised I need to start doing things to look after myself as well as my kids and I've started being a lot kinder to myself and a lot more patient with my kids.

Their behaviour is not abnormal in any way, as I am sure you know. And it is bloody hard work. I am assuming they have separate rooms.

Maybe you need a family meeting in which you set some ground rules that are absolutely explicit rather than implicit in your responses.

Get OH on board with this and all sit down and discuss it. Say that their bad behaviour is making everyone miserable and that you are going to do things differently from now on. That now that they are a bit bigger you will be expecting them to pull their weight around the house for example. Ask them what they might see as the solution to this. Ask them what irritates them and get them to suggest ways round this. Make a rota of helping in the house - they could pack their own cases for your trip with your help as needed - whatever they fail to pack they have to deal with the consequences. Institute a system of rewards that relate to successfully completing their tasks. A rule that they do not go into each other's rooms without knocking/asking. Ask them what they think would be fair "punishment" when the rules are broken.

Talk with OH about between you creating 1:1 time with each child on a regular basis that becomes part of the routine.

They need to become part of what is going on and feel that they are, rather than you getting on with stuff and they just rampaging about around you.

Sometimes when children become a pain it is because they do not have enough structure - involve them in creating that structure - make them feel that this is a grown up way to go and that it is theirs.

And do not assume that it has all fallen down if they misbehave for some of the time - remind them of the ground rules and move on. Do not instantly brand your efforts as a failure.

And do what you have to do to stay sane. Confession time: when mine were little I once packed them off into the (entirely safe) garden and locked the back door! At that moment they were safer out there! I closed my ears to the squabbles and got on with stuff I needed to do.

Structure is the key word - that structure will sometimes fall down round your ears, but at least it is there and the children know quite specifically what that structure is and what is expected of them.

Magic
It’s a combination of what you and Bitchin have said. It’s a bit like when my dd was a lot younger during the witching hour (no longer slept in the day but come 5pm struggled without). She kept herself together emotionally when tired at other people‘s houses and when other adults were around. Then as soon as we were alone, she’d disintegrate.

OP my kids are in holiday club just this week. They love it. Outdoor activities, fresh air, exercise, keen enthusiastic 18-23 year olds playing with them all day. It gives me some peace, time to recharge, do dome decluttering and batch cooking etc. I have the 6 week summer holidays with them and it's lovely, but a bit long on my own with both of them. If you can, I'd definitely book holiday club for a short time at least.

i'd go and look at parenting books.

children need clear boundaries and calm consistent treatment. it might seem like nagging at first and a hell of a lot of talking and pushing back from them, but when they realise that you're firm it gets much easier. their father needs to be on board too, presenting a united front is vital. it's worth it.

parenting your own is a whole different ball game

In terms of which books, I'd recommend Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn, and Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen

It is very hard. I have 4. The only thing that works for us is some structure every day, including the holidays. So everyone has stuff they need to do first in the morning like music practice, bit of school work, work on a foreign language art, sort washing, big colouring/puzzle for the 3 year old etc. Plus everyone needs at least 1 walk or bike ride a day. They need to be exercised like dogs and fed and watered with good quality food. And yes, when there are fights they are separated! What is sad sometimes is that if I try to be too nice and there are treats/screen time, then it backfires massively. So I operate on screen time as a treat on the weekends, including in the holidays. Older kids have reading kindles and if they are bored, they read for hours. In fact, the older 3 all love reading. I find if my kids have some structure and some duties they are then "grateful" for unstructured play time and it goes well. I have tried so many times to do a week of unstructured fun in the past and it just didn't work for us. I felt guilty at the time and seemed to think that my childhood was all unstructured play, but when I thought back I realised that actually there was always at least one walk a day, something concrete to do e.g. play cricket with dad and we always had series of books/lego to hand. Best thing for me is if the older kids are into a series of books. I have a list to hand with things each kid needs to do if they fight/come to me bored and a list of things they could work on e.g. their chess/art/foreign language/gardening plot/cooking etc. That helps too. Oh and with 4 there is always one that tries to act out if the other 3 are being good. I have concluded that my 4 kids just have more than 4 times the amount of energy than I do so I just have to find things to exhaust them a bit.

My daughter was a diva from the minute she got up yesterday. We went to the park, bumped into some friends who invited her round for tea and when l collected her, the mum said what an angel she is, hardly knew she was there . So yes, they def behave differently for other people and it is all very well @mrstswift saying don't tolerate it, and to certain point, l agree but kids get hormones and they are learning about boundaries etc so sometimes need to let their feelings out. I wouldn't be too smug cos your kids may rebel at some point or secretly get up to stuff you have no idea about. OP - give yourself a break luv, this has been the longest year in history and even Mary Poppins would have snapped by now.

random what a great post, reading with interest!

My DC are younger (4 and 2) but I've felt the same recently, mostly in regards to my four year old. She's morphing into a child I quite often dislike I was speaking to DH about it last night after a particularly disastrous trip away with her, where her behaviour was utterly appalling.

Strangely she has always behaved impeccably in public until the last few months. Could covid be making your DC act out more/bicker? We've had a rough few months and the quality of my parenting has definitely declined so I'm putting her unpleasantness down to that. I don't know how to get back on track though as even when I try to be the calm, boundary-holding mum I used to be she screams in my face and I'm sure she knows by the look on my face that I'm pretty horrified with her... ugh sorry for the rant OP but just some solidarity.

I've heard the book "siblings without rivalry" is good and I've bought it but I'm struggling to get past the cheesy American vocabulary but shall report back if I find it any use!

Hang in there

I don't think you need a boi! @Randomnessembraced and @Mischance have put it really well. It's hard work!

I remember one day last summer sitting in the garden. My DCs were playing beautifully in the sand with a neighbor's child. I was sat in a deckchair with a g&t. The thought crossed my mind that this is what parenting looks like in photographs! Then the moment passed, I can't remember why but probably there was squabble or someone was hungry or something needed wiping!

Book! Not boi!

I also work with children in a clinical setting.

It's totally different to parenting- but at the same time it uses huge amount of patience, sensitivity etc at work so you have less available at home I find for your own kids. Then you use what's left at home and feel emotionally depleted.

You sound burned out. If you are clinical and not had annual leave since Xmas during covid 19 I imagine you are completely exhausted. Can you take some time off?

Be kind to yourself- we are living through a global pandemic. Cut yourself and them some slack.

@MsTSwift how do you not know the answer to that because parents are the safe space.if your child is beautifully behaved with others and a pain at home you've done a great job it means they trust you !

Yes I agree - for tiny children. Great hulking late primary though ?! No excuse for a bright NT child of that age to be beautifully behaved with me then dad arrives to collect and they turn into a rude defiant git.

It is hard, no doubt about it. You need a break first & foremost. There's a few other things that help me, may not be for everyone but here goes ... 1. If it is not working change it - you can't pack so everyone out for a walk for half an hour, board game causing argument try dodgeball instead - just shake it up & change the dynamic before it all gets entrenched. 2. Head out early, burn energy off before it festers indoors, everyone generally more chilled and happy to do something independently for a bit when home. 3. I think mine play up more when they don't feel happy in themselves - usually as a result of me being sharp/snappy because I'm demented. They get worse when I start disciplining through screen bans & so on because then they feel even worse. The single biggest thing that helps them when they are difficult (14 & 8), is loads of kindness, even when I find it really hard to spare. I let them know I'm on their side, with them and appreciate them and ask them to take a minute and then to try again when they feel ready to offer kindness back - to each other as well as me. It sounds a bit sarcastic written down but I'm really sincere, tell them I can wait and that it will be great. 4. When they're kind to each other I tell them how gorgeous that is and how glad I am to see their bond. 5. We laugh a lot, great stress reliever. May not be the right way for you but I think agree to lower expectations and buy in help if you can.

Thanks all taking all the good advice and discussion on here. Today I've still got loads of sorting to do so going to go out for a strenuous bike ride first!! Also a relative has offered to have the eldest for a few days so grabbing with open arms. Have been a lot stricter which seems to have helped as well.

And yes when it's the one who is being rudest / most challenging, I've shown more kindness than I thought I have to give which also seems to help.
Yes my job is demanding and requires a lot of sensitivity and emotional investment across the day and I guess I am fairly depleted by now. The good advice here has helped to reset me

So glad you reported back. So glad things are changing, well done. Does sound like you could be due some leave from work?