Would you expect DH to be honest about a pedophile parent? **OP has asked MNHQ to add a content warning**

[Rebelwithallthecause]

No longer with said husband because he turned out to be awfully financially and emotionally abusive but what’s made me most of all glad to not be with him now is finding out through the news the extent of his fathers crimes

I knew his dad had been arrested for pedophile related charges just before I left but exh absolutely minimised the extent of what for

I would also imagine that he’s probably not told his current girlfriend the extent of his fathers crimes too

Would you stay with a husband or partner who had a pedophile for a parent ? Especially if they are still seeing them and seemingly ok with it?

. I would certainly not tell someone I was dating, because it’s an extremely traumatic thing to talk about.

Not sexual abuse from my parents but my partner of over 20 years knows very little; and even less about my rape. Both are things I'm uncomfortable talking about. Sorry for what you, and all the others, have been through.

My ex's dad was convicted of pedophile charges and we were together many years after (no kids) a few points here

1. My ex was unable to talk to me about it for a long time, his dad wanted to stay with us after it happened and I said no. My ex said it was ok, not because he supported his dad but because his dad couldn't go home.
2. His dad was still his dad and my ex's reaction was not for me to judge him a good or bad person, it's not that simple. I too was horrified and no amount of my reaction of disgust was going to change his reaction while he bottled it up inside.
3. my ex has 2 kids with his now wife. It is none of my business to decide or think about if she should know or not know. I believe HE would be responsible for telling her, not you, and he would want to protect his children. You are making many assumptions about him not disclosing.

You're upset and it sounds like you need to talk it through with a professional so you need to move on with your life.

If they didn't see them, no problem, it's not their fault. It could be an issue if you ended up divorcing though.

If they saw them, and especially if they expected my children to see them, no fucking way.

@PlanDeRaccordement

because I spent 15 years within this family. I lived with his parents

Presumably, you were not a child so were in no danger. Secondly 15yrs is nothing. My DH knows only what I’ve posted here and we’ve been married 30yrs. No one “owes” their spouse the gory details. Your insistence that you must know and have a detailed talk about “extent of his (your FILs) crimes” strikes me as abnormally prurient and salacious in nature. Do you get off on hearing about child abuse and rape? Most people don’t want to know about these things. I’ve had psychiatrists wincing and asking me to stop talking when they’ve prodded me in a confessional state of what happened to me.

Your posts are getting worse

How dare you even suggest I get off on this

It’s a sick crime. One I’m struggling to ever understand how someone can even do it

How anyone can sympathise with that is beyond me.

Those poor children

Mamalion- the whole issue was that kids would have been at risk should we had them

The rest of the family who had children were contacted by social services to ensure he had no contact with them
That’s the only inclination I had that things weren’t as my ex was leading me to believe

[quote Rebelwithallthecause]@ClaryFray that’s very admirable

I’d assume you’d expect to be told the whole truth at least so you could make an informed decision yourself though[/quote]
This scenario happened to a close friend. She only found out as her husband reve2it when drunk, then refused to ever discuss again.

As long as the children are never "at risk", I fully understand why a child of a paedophile wouldn't wish to share this.
How would you feel if as a result of your as a result of your parents choices you were isolated and judged, had relationships end?

Now obviously, that's assuming that appropriate safeguards for children are put in place. And I would presume if convicted there would be stringent safeguards in place via ss, probation and the police.

I don’t understand how you say you know he is ok with it.

He could think his dad is falsely accused/convicted. He could say he’s ok outwardly but be battling inside.

It sounds like you are very much basing this on his reaction at the time of the initial arrest too, in which case you have no idea how he feels now.

Just because someone visits a convicted family member doesn’t mean they agree with what they did.

If you had children... the whole point is you didn't. How do you know if you had have had children he would have told you then?
All of this on ifs and could haves is ridiculous imo

So it’s ok for us to be trying for children and once that child arrives he then has to tell me. How rediculous

I think he might have felt differently if he had a child of his own too and that he didn’t feel with just the idea of a child, nor have anticipated.

@Rebelwithallthecause

So it’s ok for us to be trying for children and once that child arrives he then has to tell me. How rediculous

Noone has to share anything they don't wish to with a partner. It's a part of accepting that an adult relationship doesn't mean you get to dictate. Children invariably change our viewpoints as parents. And the very obvious point is you had no children and those that did were very aware!

He didn’t have to share with me which was why I left because I had only my imagination to fill the gaps and would not have wanted to bring children into a situation where they weren’t allowed to be around their grandad safely.
It was very lucky we hadn’t been pregnant before it came out what his father had been doing or I would have been in the awful situation the others were in

Since becoming a parent my view on paedophilia hasn’t changed since I was trying to become a parent funnily enough and I can’t imagine any non parent being more ok with it than a parent would be.

I think what doesn’t sit well with some PP and with me is your total lack of compassion/understanding towards your exH (who is also a victim to some extent).
No one is blaming you for not wanting to stay with him that was your choice and understandable, but it comes across like you have started this thread hoping everyone will agree with you/slag off your exH for not telling you and that will some how make you feel better?
Also you keep talking about a hypothetical situation IF you had children together, but you don’t so it seems silly to keep bringing it up.

I can’t imagine any non parent being more ok with it than a parent would be.

No one is talking about anyone being ok with it! But as a parent it is a stronger reaction.

I think you are getting confused by someone having a lesser reaction to it as being ok. That’s not the same thing. I work with sensitive cases for work (many years after the happening). Pre DD I would think “What a horrendous thing to happen, what an awful thing no one should have to go through” but now it makes me want to vomit and I lie awake crying sometimes. It is different now but it doesn’t mean I was ok with it before...

@Rebelwithallthecause

Mamalion- the whole issue was that kids would have been at risk should we had them

The rest of the family who had children were contacted by social services to ensure he had no contact with them
That’s the only inclination I had that things weren’t as my ex was leading me to believe

Surely your husband wouldn't have allowed your children to have contact with his dad anyway.

Just because he has some contact doesn't mean he condones what his father did. What sort of contact is it and how often?

Since becoming a parent my view on paedophilia hasn’t changed since I was trying to become a parent funnily enough

How long ago was this? If you've since become a parent it sounds like this might have been some time ago. Maybe you'd benefit from speaking to someone, professional I mean, about your feelings in this matter.

To be honest I can see where you are coming from however I don't think it's necessarily as clear cut as you think it is. I can't say I have any immediate experience of this but it sounds like you left very soon after this all happened. Maybe your ex just wasn't ready yet to talk about it or deal with it. I can't imagine how confusing it must be to have a parent suddenly attested for crimes like this and what it must take to process that.

If this all happened a while ago, which surely it must have done if you have since had a child, you really don't know what your ex feels now or what he has or hasn't told his partner. It sounds like it's time for you to move on from this.

Arrested**

To be honest I do get the OP. It’s a question if trust.

However it is really unclear how much your Ex knew of this before he was arrested, and it is hard to process it at the time.

Kids or no kids, I would feel betrayed and confused if my husband had let me be around and form a relationship with their parent, and did not tell me about criminal activity that was known about them. It does make them complicit in the secret, if it was widely known by all except for the OP. Except it is not clear if this happened like that. Still, I do know how hard it must be for her husband to come to terms with it, but many families do ‘keep it in the family’ which can only lead to more harm.

I would feel betrayed and confused if my husband had let me be around and form a relationship with their parent, and did not tell me about criminal activity that was known about them

To me it sounds like this only happened not long before OP and her ex split up.

What I had found out was that the arrest that had happened 6 months before I left wasn’t the first time Nd he had over 20 previous convictions
I’m struggling to be honest and do not accept I shouldn’t matter in this

It shouldn’t matter that there are previous convictions
One is enough to be upsetting

My dad's father had sexually abused children grandma was childminder for many years ago. DF has never said if he and his brothers were victims.

My mum was told about it and DSis and I were never allowed to spend any time with him (gran had kicked him out when it happened)

That is how it should be handled. Minimising it and/or allowing your own children to be in contact with them is absolutely not on. It's not a one time error. It's a disgusting part of them that will never change, no more than a straight person can become gay or a gay person can be "converted" straight.

How long ago was this OP? You say you have since had a child?

@blurpityblurp I must apologise, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean my comment as you’ve taken it and it was it poorly worded or explained on my part. What I actually meant was in the context where the partner you are with has forgiveness and understanding for the pedophile and wishes to continue a relationship with them. A person would have to take the whole situation in to account on bringing a child in to that environment and not look at their partner on an individual basis. Mainly because of partner wanting to continue a relation with with their parent and in turn it would mean access to the grandchild. Sorry again for the upset I’ve caused, I really should have communicated what I was trying to say better on such a sensitive and important matter. 💐

It's not the fault of a child if their parent is a wrong un.

It's how they deal with it that's key.

My views on child abusers is extreme. I'd expect zero contact especially if kids are involved.
Personally I'd like to see a bullet in the head of every paedo on earth.

Very few things are completely unforgivable. This is one of them.