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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you expect DH to be honest about a pedophile parent? **OP has asked MNHQ to add a content warning**

125 replies

Rebelwithallthecause · 28/07/2020 18:08

No longer with said husband because he turned out to be awfully financially and emotionally abusive but what’s made me most of all glad to not be with him now is finding out through the news the extent of his fathers crimes

I knew his dad had been arrested for pedophile related charges just before I left but exh absolutely minimised the extent of what for

I would also imagine that he’s probably not told his current girlfriend the extent of his fathers crimes too

Would you stay with a husband or partner who had a pedophile for a parent ? Especially if they are still seeing them and seemingly ok with it?

OP posts:
PixieLee123 · 28/07/2020 22:38

I can’t believe you are talking about messaging his new partner to share this information. You said his Dad was arrested so presumably in prison. This really has nothing to do with you so I think you should leave her exH and his new partner alone and move on with your life. This thread is offensive to many people.

Original poster
Rebelwithallthecause · 28/07/2020 22:41

@PixieLee123

I can’t believe you are talking about messaging his new partner to share this information. You said his Dad was arrested so presumably in prison. This really has nothing to do with you so I think you should leave her exH and his new partner alone and move on with your life. This thread is offensive to many people.
I’m not talking about messaging the girlfriend ffs I was answering a pp question about it

Please stop putting words in my mouth

OP posts:
IceCreamSummer20 · 28/07/2020 22:42

I think you need to separate out the issues.

A husband does not have to tell you his parent was a paedophile. What his parents did - was what his parents did and not him. The sins of the fathers.

However, if he expected any kind of relationship from me towards his father - I would expect him to tell me. And absolutely yes if I had children. And yes I would expect him at some point to tell me because it is a big thing and as husband and wife I do think secrets are poison.

Original poster
Rebelwithallthecause · 28/07/2020 22:43

I’ve already said I’ve not meant any offence if I’ve put things across from only my perspective (which is the only perspective I have on it, as I’d be guessing on another’s perspective) but anyone offended in relation to children being abused need to leave this thread.
Il ask Mn to put a trigger warning on it

OP posts:
MaxNormal · 28/07/2020 22:44

I think it's okay for the OP to explore her own upset about this. It's okay for it to be about her on her own thread.

PixieLee123 · 28/07/2020 22:44

“I could contact her through Facebook but knowing what exh was like he would ensure to tell her that I was making things up.”

Hmm
MaxNormal · 28/07/2020 22:45

Pixie OP said could, theoretically. Not going to or intend to.

NeutrinoWrangler · 28/07/2020 22:46

I wouldn't be happy with someone who made excuses for any child-abuser, relative or not.

If I had children, there's no way I'd have them visit a known child-molester, even under constant watch. If that meant they didn't have a relationship with a grandparent, then so be it. It would disgust me too much to imagine that they might be thinking horrible things about my child, even if they weren't able to act on them. Actually, I wouldn't want to spend any time in their presence, myself, either.

Original poster
Rebelwithallthecause · 28/07/2020 22:47

Thank you @IceCreamSummer20 I agree
Two different points really

I guess I’m looking in retrospect and wondering what would happen if he continued not to tell me, we’d had children, and a year or two later, he’s taken to prison and the full details are in the National news

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 28/07/2020 22:48

OP, this is not about you. You’re not together. In fact you split up before he was convicted. So in fact at the time you believed you should have been told everything he had only been arrested. Now he has obviously been found guilty and convicted, but you weren’t to know that. And until he was convicted he was innocent until proven guilty. A family is of course going to hold on to that hope that he would not be found guilty, and then what? What would you have done if you’d been told the whole truth, insisted that your DP cut all ties and he’d been found not guilty?

These things just aren’t black and white, and tbh, you’re an ex. You’re not family, and you are not owed those explanations. The fact you were trying for a baby at the time is irrelevant. You didn’t have one, and he hadn’t been convicted at the time.

You have no idea whether you would have been told once he was convicted and/or you’d had children.

Original poster
Rebelwithallthecause · 28/07/2020 22:48

Thank you @MaxNormal

OP posts:
Original poster
Rebelwithallthecause · 28/07/2020 22:49

@NeutrinoWrangler thank you, that’s how I feel about it

OP posts:
Bufferingkisses · 28/07/2020 23:02

Understandably you are angry, upset and hurt by what you have found out. Not wanting to be around someone who has done those things is perfectly acceptable.

However, you are saying he didn't react like his siblings which means he had no respect for you. That's unreasonable. Everyone reacts to things their own way. Being a sibling does not mean being the same. Also his reaction is about him, it has nothing to do with you. Denying, minimising, "supporting" etc are all recognised, usual and understandable reactions.

You may have needed the bare truth but that doesn't mean he could give it.

It sounds like a mightily fucked up situation but, as a mother of a daughter with a father in the same position, i can honestly say you are missing many, many nuances of being an indirect victim of this sort of thing. You should focus on your (perfectly reasonable) feelings. You can't do anything about either of them. Your ex needs to find his own way and you need to find yours.

Original poster
Rebelwithallthecause · 28/07/2020 23:14

@Bufferingkisses thank you.
I hadn’t considered it in that light. It’s quite helpful for me to think of things in that way

OP posts:
2bazookas · 28/07/2020 23:17

How likely is it that the offender told his family everything when he was first arrested ?

More likely he downplayed it . If so your ex would probably not know the full extent of the charges and crimes until the case was tried in court and evidence, witnesses came out. That would be months after the arrest. After you parted.

As Ex told you about his father before it came to court, then if his father was found guilty and placed on the sex offender register, it seems likely he'd also tell his current partner.

Artandlove · 28/07/2020 23:26

If I had a partner or husband that was seemingly okay with it - no I wouldn’t stay with them on those grounds alone. I wouldn’t want to be made to be around a pedophile and wouldn’t want to bring a child in to that either. If it turned out to be my Dad I would want nothing further to do with him and my children wouldn’t even go on supervised visits.

Original poster
Rebelwithallthecause · 28/07/2020 23:28

@Artandlove that is my personal view too. I’m surprised the amount of posters who would be so understanding

OP posts:
BackforGood · 28/07/2020 23:38

I’m struggling to understand anyone who says I’m selfish in wanting to understand these feelings and for the anger at exh to have resurfaced

No-one has said that.

You haven't started a thread saying you wanted to explore that. You've come on here ranting that someone you left - as you put in your opening post just after the man had been arrested [Exact quote I knew his dad had been arrested for pedophile related charges just before I left].... "Just" - didn't tell you all the detail of the charges. You talk about the situation as if you had young children visiting this man, and yet you don't have children.

Absolutely, 100% you will need to start to reflect upon how you feel about a person you've been involved in the family of for 15 year, and with whom you've lived, and who you say you really liked, being arrested and now convicted on such charges. But surely you can see that if it is messing with your head, then your ex is going to be in a significantly more complex place ?

Artandlove · 28/07/2020 23:39

@Rebelwithallthecause I’m surprised by that too. All the do gooders that say it’s a different person - absolutely bonkers! That’s only relevant if the partner was prepared to cut out his father. What about the children who’ve been victims of him? Why would anybody want to take a chance on bringing children in to that environment? By law they/the family members should be made to admit their crimes when there is a relationship and chance of children. Imagine if you’d had a child and found out down the line after leaving them in his care?!

blurpityblurp · 28/07/2020 23:57

All the do gooders that say it’s a different person - absolutely bonkers!

Fuck you. Come to actual child sexual abuse victims and say to our faces that we’re responsible for the crimes of our parents.

Really. Fuck you. Evil, evil comment.

blurpityblurp · 28/07/2020 23:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MamaLion1319 · 29/07/2020 01:56

I was abused as a child and my father is currently serving a life sentence for multiple rapes, forcing prostitution and child sexual exploitation. I wouldn't tell anyone because I don't acknowledge him or his crimes as a part of my life, despite the rape in which I was conceived being detailed in the papers.

It's not about you. It may be hard to comprehend that. Why does it even matter unless he put your kids at risk.

How likely was it that you would have been visiting FIL without you DH?

If kids were at risk if you weren't told then yes yabr but otherwise, marriage or a relationship isn't an automatic key to the Pandora's box many keep buried.

I understand you see your XH as being selfish or whatever in this situation, but your response to it is very me me me too.

Step out of yourself for a minute and think (as much as one can without lived experience) how and why he handled the situation the way he did.

Grief, shame, guilt, self-loathing, confusion, denial, anger, fear of judgement/abandonment etc. These are all reasons why we as humans hide stuff.

MamaLion1319 · 29/07/2020 01:59

You have to have at least wondered why YOU were the one not told....

Was it a secret from others within the immediate family or just you?

Lifeisconfusing · 29/07/2020 02:15

Send the new gf an anonymous letter. She needs to know.

PlanDeRaccordement · 29/07/2020 02:23

because I spent 15 years within this family. I lived with his parents

Presumably, you were not a child so were in no danger. Secondly 15yrs is nothing. My DH knows only what I’ve posted here and we’ve been married 30yrs. No one “owes” their spouse the gory details. Your insistence that you must know and have a detailed talk about “extent of his (your FILs) crimes” strikes me as abnormally prurient and salacious in nature. Do you get off on hearing about child abuse and rape? Most people don’t want to know about these things. I’ve had psychiatrists wincing and asking me to stop talking when they’ve prodded me in a confessional state of what happened to me.