Would you expect DH to be honest about a pedophile parent? **OP has asked MNHQ to add a content warning**

[Rebelwithallthecause]

No longer with said husband because he turned out to be awfully financially and emotionally abusive but what’s made me most of all glad to not be with him now is finding out through the news the extent of his fathers crimes

I knew his dad had been arrested for pedophile related charges just before I left but exh absolutely minimised the extent of what for

I would also imagine that he’s probably not told his current girlfriend the extent of his fathers crimes too

Would you stay with a husband or partner who had a pedophile for a parent ? Especially if they are still seeing them and seemingly ok with it?

@Itsjustabitofbanter no
I haven’t even seen another thread like it

Possible one of my exSIL?!

Any link?

@Smallsteps88

Would you stay with a husband or partner who had a pedophile for a parent ?

Yes if they had no contact and removed them from their life entirely.

Especially if they are still seeing them and seemingly ok with it?

Absolutely not.

Exactly this for me.

I wouldn't stay with him and id also let his new gf know.

Would you stay with a husband or partner who had a pedophile for a parent ?

Did you intentionally word this like that?

My father was a paedophile - he abused me. Should my husband divorce me?

Why would having a paedophile for a parent mean you wouldn’t stay with someone? Surely the only consideration is whether they are still in contact?

As PP have said, not telling is one thing - it can be extremely traumatic to recount these experiences. Supporting, enabling, excusing, continuing contact with - no.
My father sexually abused me. My extended family has decided I’m insane or a liar or maybe both (they aren’t really sure, but whatever will do) and still have contact with him, praise him for being a good single father, the whole shebang. My older brother (younger too little to know) is however very supportive of me (I suspect he has now had to revisit our childhood and has realised our F emotionally and sometimes physically abused him also). He doesn’t have a partner at the moment: I don’t know if he’d tell them what happened, due to the pain it would cause him, but he doesn’t really speak to F and I highly doubt he’d allow his future kids to be around him.

@SinkGirl
I’m sorry think I worded it badly and didn’t consider it from being in the perspective of being the daughter of one

I can only imagine if my father was the same that I would need to be honest with partners and leave it to them to make their choice

I wasn’t given the informed choice as the truth was kept from me

How does his Dad have anything to do with you? As long as you didn’t have to see him/if you were to have DC they would not see him either (like you said the rest of your exs siblings do, so no difference there)
It’s not your ex’s fault and it will have massively effected him, whether he admits it or not. I don’t blame him for not wanting to talk about it! You sound quite selfish to be honest making this about you. Also if he is your ex why are still posting on MN about it?

“didn’t consider it from being in the perspective of being the daughter of one“

But being the son of one is fine? Wow.

A lot of the time things get normalised in families
When I met sfil I knew some of his behaviour wasn’t appropriate. I tried to bring it up with DH but he said I was being a snob or didn’t like him because of xyz. A friend of mine once mentioned after a party he made her feel very uncomfortable with his behaviour towards her and a couple of others and when I told DH this he reacted very badly at first but then did start to see my point. Then sfil was accused of assaulting a teenage family member and the whole family were outraged about the “false” accusations and even more outraged when me and DH said we believed her
Of course I would never forgive someone who found excuses for a paedophile or any other sex offender but be aware that this mans family won’t believe it’s true even if the evidence is very clear

@PixieLee123bwvause the extent of his crimes only just came out and it’s upset and angered me

And yes if we had children we would be expected to see him. My exh made that clear that he would stand by his dad and want us to see him regularly as normal

@PixieLee123

“didn’t consider it from being in the perspective of being the daughter of one“

But being the son of one is fine? Wow.

That’s not what I said

I think it’s important to understand that children of abusive parents are abuse victims themselves. Even if his father didn’t sexually abuse him, he’s likely a victim of a great deal of longterm mental abuse, manipulation, gaslighting. It’s a very complex situation.

I’m not saying that you should tolerate contact with a partner’s abusive parent at all but it can take time for children of abusive people to process these things. Minimising is sadly very common, at least at first.

Thank you @SinkGirl
That’s a perspective I’d been too angry to think of until now

My stepfathers parents both turned out to have been monstrously abusive- sexually, physically, psychologically- to all of their children for their entire childhoods. And we suspect other children besides.

My stepfather didn’t tell my mother until they had been together for 6 years and had a child together - by which time the abusers had babysat us, we’d stayed with them for Christmas, had holidays together .... I shudder to think.

Stepfather was physically and psychologically abusive to us. My mother eventually left him when I was 11.

I can’t remember a big chunk of my childhood between 8 and 11- when we had most contact with the abusers- and it horrifies me that there may be a reason Ive blocked it out. I don’t pick at the scab though- and my therapist respects that that is my informed decision.
It may of course, be nothing, or just related to the abuse I know happened at home with stepfather. But even the possibility that it happened...nobody should have to fear that.

They’ve never been brought to trial.

I would say as awful as it is- run. Far far away. Don’t get involved in a family like that- it isn’t the fault of the victims, of course not, but take it from me- one way or another your family will suffer the aftereffects.

50 years after it happened, and a generation on, it’s still affecting us. I’m still in therapy because of that family.

My FIL is a convicted paedophile who has spent time in prison. We only found out when a family member came forward to tell us about the abuse she suffered as a child. It turned out that the entire family bar one of my DH's siblings knew about FILs history. I was (and still am)amazed at the minimising and dismissive attitudes of my DH,s family. I made it very clear that our children would never have contact with FIL again. Fortunately my DH agreed. There is no way we would have remained married if he was insistent on our children having any sort of relationship with his father.

@SickOfNorthernExile I’m sorry , that sounds horrific for you

My exh siblings were in therapy a lot

For some reason my ex didn’t think he needed therapy so turned it down

No, and they absolutely would not see my children.

The grooming that goes on in such families is unbelievable. I thought for a very long time that only children could be groomed, but all of the adults in my family - especially my stepmother - were conditioned to accept his behaviour. Him watching me in the shower, us sharing a bed, regular UTIs and thrush, behavioural problems, all the classic signs were dismissed because he was just so, so good at it. His manipulative abilities were unreal. Sometimes he played the fool: a bit weird, a bit clueless, still thought of me as his little girl so it was all fine, very jokey, laughing about nudity. Sometimes he played up the single parent angle: poor him, all alone, a MAN doing childcare, how could he cope? He had so many tactics in his arsenal that no-one stood a chance. I can completely understand people struggling to accept their parents as paedophiles - it doesn’t make it okay, but I do understand why people would just shut it out and look away. They’ve been conditioned their whole lives.

My DP’s father was convicted of having abusive images of children on his computer. They were of the most serious category. Our first baby was less than a year old at the time. The news of his father’s arrest came as an absolute bolt out of the blue for DP. He was in complete and utter shock. He had truly loved his father, and had never suspected. His father was in his late 70s at the time of his arrest.

DP’s sister instructed DP to conceal the whole thing from me. Presumably, she thought the family name and their father deserved more protection than my tiny daughter. Can you imagine if I had been left in the dark, and had continued to allow my daughter to be around her grandfather? Of course, DP told me everything.

DP immediately said our baby would never be allowed anywhere near his father again. However, he has maintained limited contact, visiting his father in person about three times a year. He struggles with his emotions regarding this. He hates his father and is utterly sickened by what he is and has done, but at the same time, he is unable to stop loving him. This is the man who for forty years was (DP tells me) a wonderful, loving father. It’s incredibly easy for me to feel nothing but loathing for this man, but for my DP it is hugely complex. I am able to accept his continuing to see father, because he has always been so honest about the situation, and utterly steadfast in his determination that our DC would be protected from him.

DP has gone from a beloved member of his family to the black sheep, because he is the only one who has expressed his horror at his father’s actions. I have zero contact with the entire family, because they are enablers, who were willing to endanger my child, and continue to place their own children in harm’s way.

If I felt my DP was minimising his father’s actions, or in any way accepting of them, I wouldn’t want to be with him any longer. But if he did appear to be a paedophilic sympathiser, and I left him, how could I ensure he would not expose my DC to his father when they were in his custody? Presumably, I would feel like I was being held hostage in the relationship. There are surely lots of people in that situation.

I have a parent who was a paedophile.

I think I’m allowed to be in a relationship though now, because he killed himself, and I had been estranged from him for 10 years before that. Or maybe not.

a) i get you are hurt, and I have every sympathy with the idea that you would not want to expose children or yourself to someone who has committed this kind of abuse. Your ex’s attitude sounds dangerous and unpleasant and of course you would want to distance yourself from that.

However, your phrasing is incredibly naive and offensive to the very large number of people who have experienced abuse by family members and have frequently already been told they are worthless / damaged goods / no one else will want them now. In addition to having to process the reality that all of the “intrinsic evil” etc etc that people talk about in relation to child sexual abuse is in fact half of your DNA, and does that make you partially evil, and should you be allowed to have children because you might accidentally pass on the evil? etc etc etc

b) FWIW if you have been the victim of serious sexual abuse it is standard advice from police / social services / counselling is not to disclose this information early on in a relationship because it is likely to suggest or expose particular vulnerabilities that make you more vulnerable to future abuse

I do appreciate this is different to the scenario that you are describing, but perhaps it is important also to think about what you are saying or how it might affect someone with a different perspective.

@blurpityblurp

Those are two pretty huge different things. Telling someone about a parent’s crimes, and being okay with those crimes.

My stepfather went to prison for molesting me. I’ve only ever told one person. I would certainly not tell someone I was dating, because it’s an extremely traumatic thing to talk about.

It doesn’t mean that I agree with or am okay with child abuse!! Or that I am an abuser myself. It’s pretty gross to suggest that people should be judged according to what their parents did.

Your ex sounds like a nasty piece of work but his own abusive behaviour is separate from wanting to keep his family history private.

Sorry to hear that @blurpityblurp but I think the OPs point was that the exH minimised the offences and continued a relationship with his father...meaning he was ok with what he did.

In this instance then no I wouldn't want to stay with someone. Especially if they wanted or had kids with me!!!

I’d been a part of their family and in a relationship with exh for 15 years. It wasn’t early on in our relationship at all

I didn’t mean to offend anyone and apologise again for any offence caused.

I’m writing from the example of my exh who in my opinion had been absolutely abhorrent in the way he assumed he could keep these facts from me when we were about to start a family (it had been trying to for a few years anyway)

If the person hadn't told me, or had minimised their parents crimes, no I couldn't accept that.

If they'd told me openly and we'd agreed that they understood there was to be zero contact permanently, I might feel differently.

Not unless I'd be ok with my kids possibly being raped by a paedophile. So obviously not!!!!!!

If I couldn't trust them to protect our/my children, it would be over. But I would be understanding if he wanted to continue to see his family member by himself without the children present.