Page 3 | Would you expect DH to be honest about a pedophile parent? **OP has asked MNHQ to add a content warning**

BackforGood · 28/07/2020 20:36

What ClaryFray said right back at the beginning.
you can't blame a person for crimes their family member have committed.

I knew his dad had been arrested for pedophile related charges just before I left but exh absolutely minimised the extent of what for

Well, if you were at the state of breaking up, I presume, even if he had accepted and internalised it himself at that point, you weren't likely to be the person he was going to confide in.

Try and put yourselves in his shoes for a moment. Police come along and arrsest your father for horrific crimes. I've never been in the situation, but can't help assuming you would be in complete denial yourself for a long time, let alone being in a place to start talking openly about it with someone else.

I'd written this before reading all the thread.
I can see that others have started to educate you a little bit now.
This really isn't all about you.

Winebottle · 28/07/2020 20:37

I can understand why people would keep it quiet and don't think someone should have to "come clean" for something they haven't done.

I can also understand the minimising to an extent. A friend's Dad got done for images and she says he clicked on them by accident.

People don't want to believe bad things about their parents. It's easy to say cut them out when it isn't your parent but people in that position must have all kind of mixed emotions.

I also think it depends on the crime, there is a big difference between having indecent images and raping children.

Original poster

Rebelwithallthecause · 28/07/2020 20:39

I think because he reacted totally differently to how his siblings did made me realise how little he thought of me and he had no respect for me to tell me the full truth

OP posts:

BackforGood · 28/07/2020 21:06

I say once again. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU.

Yes, siblings can react differently - in the same way people react differently when bereaved. Nobody's reaction is right or wrong.

He might not have known the full truth
He might have heard the accusations but not believe them
He might be processing the allegations and not be ready to talk with anyone at that point
He might have been ready to talk, but not to someone who is breaking up with him.
Once you've broken up, then it is nothing to do with you. Why on earth wold you discuss something so personal and horrific with an ex ?

GrandTheftWalrus · 28/07/2020 21:13

I wouldn't be happy if a partner kept this from me.

However if they had no contact then I wouldn't care kinda thing.

GrandTheftWalrus · 28/07/2020 21:16

I'd also want someone to tell me if a partner didnt. Especially as I have DC.

jessstan2 · 28/07/2020 21:17

You don't know that your ex was OK with his father being a paedophile.

Original poster

Rebelwithallthecause · 28/07/2020 21:18

@BackforGood we hadn’t discussed breaking up when it happened

It was this that as the final nail in the coffin (still took me 6 months of being lied to before I left)

OP posts:

Original poster

Rebelwithallthecause · 28/07/2020 21:19

@jessstan2 unfortunately I do

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 28/07/2020 21:21

Of course I wouldn't stay with someone who minimized their parent's behaviour and wanted to maintain a relationship with them. And that goes for any serious criminal behaviour, not just paedophilia.

But as far as them telling me about it, well, I can see someone not wanting to dump that kind of secret on someone right at first. But if a relationship got to the point where the criminal history might affect me or my children (existing or future), at that point I'd expect them to be honest about it.

Is this whole thing really about whether or not you should tell the new gf?

Original poster

Rebelwithallthecause · 28/07/2020 21:35

@AcrossthePond55
No I don’t have any contact with the girlfriend so wouldn’t be able to tell her anyway

OP posts:

Letsdoanamechangeagain · 28/07/2020 21:40

Not if they were still in contact with them, no.

Tlollj · 28/07/2020 21:54

Can’t you find out some way to tell the new gf op.
If your ex and the family are going to minimise what’s happened then she and any future children need protecting.

PixieLee123 · 28/07/2020 21:54

“I say once again. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU.”

Completely agree with PP and said also you sound very selfish OP.
Its all about YOU, you have a very naive black and white mindset on a subject that actually has nothing to do with you.

He is your exH, he has a new partner, you have no children together so why have you started this thread?

PlanDeRaccordement · 28/07/2020 22:03

Yes I would stay with a DH who had a pedophile as a parent. And I don’t care what you mean by “minimising” it. If you mean viewing them as flawed human beings instead of subhuman monsters then yes, I’m guilty of minimising. And why should it matter that you know in a relationship with someone who has a pedophile as a relative? They’re not the same person, it’s not some eugenics pedigree that you must know. I would only expect them to be honest if we took the step of getting pregnant. Then I’d expect a full disclosure and commitment to protect our children.

I have a pedophile uncle who is a defrocked priest due to his abuse of girls (including myself). I would not judge a relative of a pedophile. It’s not like it’s contagious! And you never know, they could be one of the victims. It’s bad enough being a victim without also be treated like a leper because the abuser is in our family tree.

PlanDeRaccordement · 28/07/2020 22:04

Care should be know. Sorry

PlanDeRaccordement · 28/07/2020 22:07

@Rebelwithallthecause

I think because he reacted totally differently to how his siblings did made me realise how little he thought of me and he had no respect for me to tell me the full truth

But you’re not owed the gory details. I have never told my DH specifics of the abuse I suffered from my uncle. The details may be to traumatic for him to tell you. You talk about respect, but it seems you have none for the complicated feelings that go along with being related to and growing up with a person that turns out to be a pedophile.

Original poster

Rebelwithallthecause · 28/07/2020 22:25

@PixieLee123 and @PlanDeRaccordement because I spent 15 years within this family
I lived with his parents

I am struggling with the news of what happened

I’m struggling to understand anyone who says I’m selfish in wanting to understand these feelings and for the anger at exh to have resurfaced

I should not have to shut down my feelings just because I am not a son or daughter.

OP posts:

LemonRabbit · 28/07/2020 22:27

Would you stay with a husband or partner who had a pedophile for a parent ?
Yes. I’m not married to the parent. Based on the fact you would ask this question, is it any wonder DH didn’t tell you the whole story? You seem like someone who very much sees things as black and white. This issue has shades of grey. If you had children and were unaware that would have been different. Also it doesn’t sound like it’s a huge secret. I.e. you did know bits and you also know his siblings with children have nothing to do with the father.

Having children is more complex. I completely understand ppl who would cut that family member out to protect DC.

I agree with what someone else said. Your ex-DH and all his lies/minimising doesn’t mean he approves of it! He’s actually managed to do something quite admirable - he cares about his father who is flawed. While others may disagree with that and view his continued relationship as supporting/approving of his father, it is up to him.

Original poster

Rebelwithallthecause · 28/07/2020 22:27

@Tlollj

Can’t you find out some way to tell the new gf op. If your ex and the family are going to minimise what’s happened then she and any future children need protecting.

I could contact her through Facebook but knowing what exh was like he would ensure to tell her that I was making things up.

She could look it up herself but it’s not easy to find as the father went by a different name so the court and news articles are under a name he’s not recognised by

OP posts:

Original poster

Rebelwithallthecause · 28/07/2020 22:30

@PlanDeRaccordement

Yes I would stay with a DH who had a pedophile as a parent. And I don’t care what you mean by “minimising” it. If you mean viewing them as flawed human beings instead of subhuman monsters then yes, I’m guilty of minimising. And why should it matter that you know in a relationship with someone who has a pedophile as a relative? They’re not the same person, it’s not some eugenics pedigree that you must know. I would only expect them to be honest if we took the step of getting pregnant. Then I’d expect a full disclosure and commitment to protect our children.

I have a pedophile uncle who is a defrocked priest due to his abuse of girls (including myself). I would not judge a relative of a pedophile. It’s not like it’s contagious! And you never know, they could be one of the victims. It’s bad enough being a victim without also be treated like a leper because the abuser is in our family tree.

That’s exactly why I expected the truth

We were trying for a family. Going through fertility testing as he was arrested

I needed full disclosure at that point and I wasn’t given it

I was sat down, told he had been arrested, told that I wouldn’t be told the details and that was that and I was expected to go along with that.

OP posts:

OneStepAheadOfTheToddler · 28/07/2020 22:32

I would not judge someone for not wanting to disclose or discuss something so horrible. So if they had no contact with their family, I could accept not being told since the family wouldn't be part of our lives.

But I would judge them hugely if they put my DC (or any other DC) at risk. So they'd have to tell me if they saw their family so I could make the risk assessment (which would be categorically no contact with DC). If they didn't alert me to the risk to my DC, I could never forgive that. And I wouldn't want to be expected to play 'happy families' with a family where that sort of thing is minimised and trivialised.

LemonRabbit · 28/07/2020 22:33

Just read your post @Rebelwithallthecause
Scrap half of what I said. I can totally see why you feel betrayed now. I think you have every right to have full disclosure about something you lived with.
Although you were no doubt “safe” (unless you’re very young and started going our with partner when you were 5!) then actually I think you should have been told. When you lived there you could have invited niece/nephews to the house or anything.
I do think it is a hard thing for your DH to talk about though.

Original poster

Rebelwithallthecause · 28/07/2020 22:34

For the record - I don’t disagree with my ex sil’s who stayed with their partners and husbands.
They had children and the social services contacted them with the details so they had the information needed to make their decision and there was no question that their partners and husbands would still be in contact with the father at all from that moment.

It was their reaction that made me know that I wasn’t being told something that must have been horrific and it’s only now, years later that the case has been reported on that I know just how awful it was and it’s reaffirmed my decision to leave but also the anger at my exh in his insistence to stick by his father when his siblings cut all contact

OP posts:

Original poster

Rebelwithallthecause · 28/07/2020 22:37

@LemonRabbit thank you lemon

I was 16, and never once felt unsafe

In fact I loved his parents including his father

I really miss his father as despite what he did we actually had many similar interests and I loved our conversations

It’s shocked me and upset me what he’s done and in some way I can see why someone would want to turn a blind eye to someone they loved

But it was the thought of bringing children into that that made me know I couldn’t risk that

OP posts: