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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and my weight

80 replies

Pachelbelle · 28/07/2020 07:07

My weight has fluctuated over the 20 plus years we've been together. DH is too nice to comment on it however I've noticed that his behaviour towards me changes when I gain weight and changes again when I lose it. For example he is much more attentive and affectionate when I'm slim and pays me a lot of compliments and puts his arm around me frequently when we're out and is more protective of me. When I've gained weight in the past this behaviour goes and he almost treats me like another bloke although he obviously still loves and cares for me. AIBU to be a bit hurt by this although I'm not even sure he realises he's doing it - I think it's subconscious.

OP posts:
hamstersarse · 28/07/2020 07:11

Slim bodies are more sexually attractive. Both to men and women.

Is this a surprise?

Original poster
Pachelbelle · 28/07/2020 07:13

I guess I was a bit surprised when I noticed the pattern yes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pachelbelle · 28/07/2020 07:15

Or maybe disappointed would be a better word as my behaviour to him doesn't change when his weight fluctuates (which it has/does).

OP posts:
biggirlknickers · 28/07/2020 07:16

I would be surprised by that pattern too.

Which version do you prefer OP? The protective, paws on you kind or the matey kind?

Enderman · 28/07/2020 07:17

How much does it fluctuate?

hamstersarse · 28/07/2020 07:17

Oh 🤷‍♀️

Life doesn’t seem fair sometimes, but there’s not much you can do about millions of years of evolution

madcatladyforever · 28/07/2020 07:17

I'd like to live in a world where it doesn't matter because I feel I'm the same person whether I'm fat or thin.
However the world is cruel and nobody gives me a second look when I'm fat.

VashtaNerada · 28/07/2020 07:18

Slim bodies are more sexually attractive. Both to men and women. Um... not for everybody! What a strange generalisation.

Pumpertrumper · 28/07/2020 07:20

I think this is normal OP sorry. I mean if he were saying anything or consciously doing it I would be screaming YANBU but I don’t think you can have the moral high ground over something he doesn’t seem to know he’s doing.

Mine and DH’s weight have fluctuated and I think unconsciously our behaviours have changed to reflect that. As long as it doesn’t impact love and respect there’s nothing wrong with it!

octobersky19 · 28/07/2020 07:20

@hamstersarse what a rude reply

JorisBonson · 28/07/2020 07:21

@hamstersarse

Slim bodies are more sexually attractive. Both to men and women.

Is this a surprise?

I don't think so.

That's a very sweeping statement.

EmmaJR1 · 28/07/2020 07:21

YANBU to want affection and consistency from your partner of 20 years!

Surely a long term relationship isn't just about sexual attraction- you are still the same person.

Have you spoken to him about it?

Original poster
Pachelbelle · 28/07/2020 07:22

During our marriage it's fluctuated by around 3 stone (not including the times I've been pregnant) so I've been between 8.5 and 11.5 stone. I prefer his behaviour when I'm slimmer and I prefer me slimmer too but I love my food so much that I gain weight very easily and I'm finding it increasingly difficult as I get older.

OP posts:
Vodkacranberryplease · 28/07/2020 07:22

He's not being mean about it and still cares for you. So it's not deliberate or cruel. And you e been together a long time and he's still affectionate and clearly fancies you - so a few years haven't mattered. That's pretty hard to find!

Some things he wouldn't mind in you eg not earning money you would mind in him maybe? Men and women care about different things.

I've put on a corona stone and hate it - so have started saxenda and intend to change this long term. No more yo-yoing. Do it for you but for the 2 of you too.

OlympicProcrastinator · 28/07/2020 07:22

It’s hardly a ‘strange’ generalisation unless you’ve been living under a rock!

A generalisation maybe. But it’s a fact, the slimmer you are, the better you get treated IN GENERAL.

Totally shitty but totally true sadly. And yes....evolution.

Weetabixandcrumpets · 28/07/2020 07:23

I wonder if your behaviour changes at all when you are a bit heavier or slimmer? Mine does! Do you feel more attractive at a certain weight and act or dress a little more confidently? He might be taking a few cues from you, perhaps.

JorisBonson · 28/07/2020 07:24

@OlympicProcrastinator

It’s hardly a ‘strange’ generalisation unless you’ve been living under a rock!

A generalisation maybe. But it’s a fact, the slimmer you are, the better you get treated IN GENERAL.

Totally shitty but totally true sadly. And yes....evolution.

PP didn't say that. They said that slim bodies are "more sexually attractive", and I disagree.

I also disagree with your comment. I'm a lifelong size 16 and have never been treated any worse or been given less any opportunity than a slimmer person. I also find that generalisation odd.

Weetabixandcrumpets · 28/07/2020 07:25

And I completely get the 'loving food' bit. I also have struggled with my weight. Diets don't work long term, so have made some lifestyle changes...there is a lovely thread on here at the moment about changing one habit a day..it is inspirational and very positive. Some fabulous ideas on how to make life just a little bit better (although a rather strange obsession with chickens!)

FiveShelties · 28/07/2020 07:26

Do you think you act differently at the different weights. My weight has fluctuated by about three stone too over the years and I always felt people treated me differently when I was fat. Now I wonder if it was me that was different, less outgoing/confident etc.

Original poster
Pachelbelle · 28/07/2020 07:27

No I haven't spoken to him about it really although I could do as we are very open with each other. In a way though I don't think it would achieve anything as it's not something that's deliberate on his part - I think all it would do is make him feign affectionate if/when I gain weight.

OP posts:
midgebabe · 28/07/2020 07:29

Perhaps he prefers you to be a healthy weight, because it's healthier, and has made an effort to be extra nice to you when you are as he doesn't want to hurt your feelings by talking about your weight?

DorisDay88 · 28/07/2020 07:29

@Weetabixandcrumpets

I wonder if your behaviour changes at all when you are a bit heavier or slimmer? Mine does! Do you feel more attractive at a certain weight and act or dress a little more confidently? He might be taking a few cues from you, perhaps.
Really good point, I think you're spot on
Original poster
Pachelbelle · 28/07/2020 07:30

Thanks for all the different perspectives. I always try to dress well at whatever weight I am so I don't think it's that. He definitely just seems to prefer me when there's less of me but would never criticise me when there's more of me. He doesn't withdraw affection or become unkind - he is just much less spontaneously affectionate when I'm bigger.

OP posts:
VictoriaBun · 28/07/2020 07:31

I fluctuate weight wise as well . When I lose weight ( and I have just lost around 2 stone) my dh doesn't notice / or tell me I'm looking nice ! So tbh I'm not sure who has drawn the short straw with our men op !

dontdisturbmenow · 28/07/2020 07:32

@hamstersarse what a rude reply
Its not rude at all. So tired of people who demonish the fact that in most people's eyes, a slim body is nicer to the eye.

If you are one of those people who can look at your overweight partner and get the same butterfly in your stomach and feel the same desire for them, good for you. Many feel differently.

Its nothing to do with love but physical attraction. A nice body is exactly that, nice!