Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

DH and my weight

80 replies

Pachelbelle · 28/07/2020 07:07

My weight has fluctuated over the 20 plus years we've been together. DH is too nice to comment on it however I've noticed that his behaviour towards me changes when I gain weight and changes again when I lose it. For example he is much more attentive and affectionate when I'm slim and pays me a lot of compliments and puts his arm around me frequently when we're out and is more protective of me. When I've gained weight in the past this behaviour goes and he almost treats me like another bloke although he obviously still loves and cares for me. AIBU to be a bit hurt by this although I'm not even sure he realises he's doing it - I think it's subconscious.

OP posts:

Gogogadgetarms · 28/07/2020 07:33

I'm finding it increasingly difficult as I get older
Gosh I empathise with this. I used to be able to lose half a stone pretty easily. Now it feels like a mission that takes months of deprivation.
I’m not sure what to suggest OP. You prefer his behaviour towards you when you are slimmer and you prefer the way you feel when you are but it’s also a sad existence living on a permanent diet.
3 stone doesn’t feel like a life changing amount. Maybe look at taking up a new exercise. Something fun or to music and see if you can lose a little that way? Might make you feel better and to do it without a strict diet might be a little easier too.

LucyLocketsPocket · 28/07/2020 07:33

YANBU to feel hurt.
He is NBU to fancy you less when you're three stone heavier.
Neither of you can help the way you feel.

CarribeanPizza · 28/07/2020 07:36

@Weetabixandcrumpets has it spot on. I'm more confident/playful/self confident and dare I say it - happier - when I'm slim (I fluctuate too).

It's probably those things that hold the appeal to your DH.

OlympicProcrastinator · 28/07/2020 07:37

I also disagree with your comment. I'm a lifelong size 16 and have never been treated any worse or been given less any opportunity than a slimmer person. I also find that generalisation odd

If you’ve never been a size 8 as an adult then you wouldn’t know how different people suddenly treat you. It’s not that people necessarily treat you noticeably ‘badly’ at size 16 as that’s not overly large. But it’s pretty obvious from the countless threads on here that when people lose a significant amount of weight, they are generally treated more favourably. We live in a fattist society.

OlympicProcrastinator · 28/07/2020 07:40

PP didn't say that. They said that slim bodies are "more sexually attractive", and I disagree

My reply was to Nashtanervarda who said it was a strange generalisation. Sorry I should have quoted.

dontdisturbmenow · 28/07/2020 07:41

I'm finding it increasingly difficult as I get older
It certainly is but you also get stronger mentally and develop better willpower.

Original poster

Pachelbelle · 28/07/2020 07:48

Lot's of food for thought here and yes maybe I'm more fun and confident when I'm slimmer but I'm not that much different in the way I behave when I'm bigger. I think me being happier and him being happier is a good incentive to stay on top of my weight/health although I do worry if I got ill and had to take steroids or something like that that we'd soon revert to the blokey/matey version of our relationship.

OP posts:

Pinkyandthebrainz · 28/07/2020 07:53

I think it's a bit unfair to expect our partners to still find us as attractive when we're larger than when we're slimmer. Respect and love us? Absolutely. But find us sexually attractive, not necessarily. It isn't nice to think about this and for many people I'm sure they don't care, but many people, myself included do.

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 28/07/2020 07:56

@weetabixandcrumpets that thread sounds lovely. Do you have a link for it? I've tried looking and can't see it.

Original poster

Pachelbelle · 28/07/2020 08:03

@Pinkyandthebrainz I still find him attractive although he's a couple of stone heavier these days however I agree that people can't help how they feel and men are known to be attracted more by appearance than by good personality/humour etc.

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 28/07/2020 08:09

I think it's probably more like when you're slimmer he's just very 👀 🍆 and when you're heavier that's not activated as much.

I know if my husband lost 3 stone I'd be very very 👀. Call me shallow but there you are. I still love the bones of him but tend not to pay much attention to his body during the day. I pay more attention to his personality.

Weetabixandcrumpets · 28/07/2020 08:10

@Higgeldypiggeldy35

I'm not confident in my linking skills but try this

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3978071-AIBU-to-ask-you-if-a-daily-habit-has-transformed-your-life

Gatr · 28/07/2020 08:12

I think its odd that people have said their partners dont notice weight changes

My partners weight fluctuates, and while im probably not going to notice a few pounds, i can definately see a stones difference. Its not to say that i think differently of her either way, but im privileged enough to know her body well, and can see it just like i can see where he hair has grown longer than usual. Its silly to pretend that others are blind to this. Im sure she would tell you the same for me

I do agree theres a lot in the way we act when feeling self conscious. I know when i began to lose weight, i was much more comfortable and inviting with certain kinds of affection. I love a certain spot of my partner(regardless of weight), if shes not feeling good then i know to avoid that area, as any form of drawing attention to it (in a nice way like soft touches etc, not like poking at wobbly bits!) makes her feel self concious.

However i think to a certain extent that everyone has some sort preference. I have a certain few outfits that i know brings out the more physical affection side of my other half, and equally my lock down hair has been sorted and now she ruffles it more (probably partially due to it being softer)

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/07/2020 08:17

@Weetabixandcrumpets

I wonder if your behaviour changes at all when you are a bit heavier or slimmer? Mine does! Do you feel more attractive at a certain weight and act or dress a little more confidently? He might be taking a few cues from you, perhaps.

I was also wondering this. You also say you’re more fun and confident slimmer. He will be picking up on your vibes regardless of how he feels.

Do you discuss how you feel about your weight with him?

And why are you worrying about getting ill? Be happy unlike me you aren’t!

EhUp · 28/07/2020 08:18

I agree with @weetabixandcrumpets, it is likely that your behaviour and the way you dress probably changes when you are slimmer and feeling more confident

Assuming you arent 6 foot tall then 3 stone will make a huge change to your appearance and most of us can't really help what aesthetic we find sexually attractive

Yes there are some men/women who prefer a fuller figure but I'm guessing to the majority (which clearly includes your DH) you look much better at the lower end of the scale

Waveysnail · 28/07/2020 08:22

Could he be insecure when you are slimmer? Souns like he is almost a.bit paranoid when your in your slimmer state that you might not be good enough for him

Lollyneenah · 28/07/2020 08:26

Maybe you look a bit more feminine when you are lighter (more defined waist?) So it's just bringing out his inner cave man a little

vanillandhoney · 28/07/2020 08:26

My behaviour changes depending on my weight - could that play a factor?

I've lost weight recently and I feel much more confident. I'm also being much more active and so my energy levels are better and my mood is better too.

When I was at my heaviest I was tired, lazy and didn't have much confidence and that showed in my actions. I wasn't even particularly big (BMI of 28) but it was big for me and so it had a huge impact on my self-esteem.

I wonder if you feel paranoid or low when you're at a larger weight and so you overthink things a lot more?

Dkrk3o · 28/07/2020 08:32

I have to agree with @OlympicProcrastinator, having been both a size 16 and a size 8, it's not that I was treated badly at all when I was bigger, people were still nice, but the attention was really something else when I was slimmer (pregnant now so different attention altogether!!)

I don't think you are wrong to have fluctuations in your weight, we all do. But he's not wrong to be more attracted to you looking a certain way. What's important is that he's sensitive enough not to verbalize it.

overweightcat · 28/07/2020 08:33

I think it's difficult.
Whilst my DP loves me and shows me it all the time with cuddles, affection and sex - when I've lost weight he became noticeably more spontaneous. We don't have any more sex than we did before I lost the weight but sometimes he just seems very up for it and will initiate it in different places and do new things. I think it's the novelty of it.
But also I know that a factor is that I'm fitter as I've finally started working out after being sedentary for 8+ years and my body is stronger than it was before so in turn I can do things I wasn't able to until I lost the weight.

I don't feel less loved by him now than I did before but I feel more confident and better about myself and I know he prefers the slimmer version of me even if he would never ever say it which I'm ok with because I also know that if I was to choose I prefer the slimmer version of him too.
These things don't mean I love him any less and vice versa it's just that we naturally have a preference and a body type with find attractive.

LilaButterfly · 28/07/2020 08:35

You said you prefer yourself slimmer too. Is it possible that maybe your behaviour also changes when you gained weight? I remember after my second child i had trouble losing the baby weight and i felt uncomfortable in my skin.
DH asked me outright once why i always pull away from him or avoid him. I didnt even notice it until he mentioned it.
Tbh i wouldnt speak to him about it. Yiu cant really win in a conversation like that. Either he tells you that youre being silly and you will know hes not being honest, or he will tell you he finds you more attractive when youre slimmer which is probably also not what you want to hear.

Original poster

Pachelbelle · 28/07/2020 08:38

Again some really interesting comments which have made me think. I'm definitely a person who doesn't carry weight well as I'm an apple shape and it all goes on my stomach and face so although I may not realise it I probably am a bit more self conscious and cover up more. And @Lollyneenah I think you're right - I do look much more feminine both facially and figure wise at the lower end of my weight range and it does seem to make him more protective/caveman like. Today I'll be eating mainly lettuce...........

OP posts:

diddl · 28/07/2020 08:41

More protective of you??

Or is it more that he's proud to be with you & "showing you off"?

He sounds horrible.

PickAChew · 28/07/2020 08:47

I hope "today I will be eating mainly lettuce" is a joke.

Original poster

Pachelbelle · 28/07/2020 08:47

@diddl he's not horrible in the slightest - I love him to bits. And I don't think he's showing me off as he's like it when we're on our own. I don't think it's even conscious behaviour on his part - it's just instinctive.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4