Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and my weight

80 replies

Pachelbelle · 28/07/2020 07:07

My weight has fluctuated over the 20 plus years we've been together. DH is too nice to comment on it however I've noticed that his behaviour towards me changes when I gain weight and changes again when I lose it. For example he is much more attentive and affectionate when I'm slim and pays me a lot of compliments and puts his arm around me frequently when we're out and is more protective of me. When I've gained weight in the past this behaviour goes and he almost treats me like another bloke although he obviously still loves and cares for me. AIBU to be a bit hurt by this although I'm not even sure he realises he's doing it - I think it's subconscious.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pachelbelle · 28/07/2020 08:48

@pickachew I've just demolished two bagels with lurpak Grin

OP posts:
diddl · 28/07/2020 08:55

[quote Pachelbelle]@diddl he's not horrible in the slightest - I love him to bits. And I don't think he's showing me off as he's like it when we're on our own. I don't think it's even conscious behaviour on his part - it's just instinctive.[/quote]
Whilst he might not find you as attractive, why would he not still be affectionate & put his arm around you when out & about as usual?

How can it be an instinct to no longer do that?

Original poster
Pachelbelle · 28/07/2020 09:01

@diddl he' still affectionate - just not as affectionate and he's always kind to me. But you do have a point although I still don't feel he's being horrible because I don't think it's even conscious behaviour on his part as he doesn't realise he's doing it. It took me a few years to really notice the pattern.

OP posts:
DillonPanthersTexas · 28/07/2020 09:03

We live in a fattist society.

How, 63% of adults in the UK are overweight. Normal weight people are a minority.

OlympicProcrastinator · 28/07/2020 09:05

How, 63% of adults in the UK are overweight. Normal weight people are a minority

I know right? Nevertheless..

Lovemusic33 · 28/07/2020 09:12

I think your probably projecting your feelings onto him? If your not feeling happy about how you look then he maybe picking up on this or you maybe pushing him away a little?
I am a similar size to you, my weight fluctuates a lot, sometimes I’m really slim but this takes up a lot of my time with gym, swimming and counting calories, it’s draining and not how I want to live all the time. Luckily I am single so I don’t really need to worry about what anyone else thinks but of course there’s always that feeling that no one will want me if I am over weight and I get a lot more attention when slim. I think my face looks better when I’m carrying more weight, when I lose weight I look older so now I don’t really let my weight drop under 9 and half stone.

I’m sure your dh loves you what ever shape and size you are, even at your heaviest you are not huge.

MissBehaviour1 · 28/07/2020 09:19

Women put up with a lot to be honest. A person is worthy of love at whatever weight they are. Regardless of the beauty standards of the world, you should mean more than weight to the person who is supposed to love and know you.

Lifeisabeach09 · 28/07/2020 09:19

Slim bodies are more sexually attractive. Both to men and women.

In a of lot of cultures, the curvier woman is preferred (compared to western standards)-ME, subcontinental India and parts of Africa as examples.

Even in the West, not everyone prefers 'slim.'

SheilaMJ · 28/07/2020 09:20

In todays society you will never be the right size. Someone will always have something to say about it, because people are cheeky bastards... you will always be too thin or too big , just get to the size where you feel happiest, most healthy, most confident and comfortable and maintain that, how you feel is all that counts !! Xxxx

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 28/07/2020 09:31

Thank you @Weetabixandcrumpets

HavelockVetinari · 28/07/2020 09:40

@OlympicProcrastinator

I also disagree with your comment. I'm a lifelong size 16 and have never been treated any worse or been given less any opportunity than a slimmer person. I also find that generalisation odd

If you’ve never been a size 8 as an adult then you wouldn’t know how different people suddenly treat you. It’s not that people necessarily treat you noticeably ‘badly’ at size 16 as that’s not overly large. But it’s pretty obvious from the countless threads on here that when people lose a significant amount of weight, they are generally treated more favourably. We live in a fattist society.

This is true. Slim people really are treated better in general by society. If you've never been slim, you wouldn't necessarily realise that.
DillonPanthersTexas · 28/07/2020 09:46

Women put up with a lot to be honest. A person is worthy of love at whatever weight they are.

Not sure if you can say it is confined to women. I have read enough threads on here where people have confessed to not finding their couch potato DH terribly attractive anymore. These feelings are especially pronounced if one party is still active and fit. It is naive in the extreme to assume that if you put on an awful lot of weight you will be as attractive as you once were, that is not to say unloved, just not as attractive. Yes, it's harsh, but it seems to be MN trope whereby people are scorned for not finding their once upon a time in shape partner who has let themselves go attractive any more.

hamstersarse · 28/07/2020 09:55

[quote octobersky19]@hamstersarse what a rude reply [/quote]
Is it?

Why are we even talking about weight if it has no impact on how people are treated, especially in terms of sexual attraction (blokey vs attentive)?

I don't make the rules. None of us do. But to be under the illusion that size and health of body has no impact on sexual attraction is just not true.

I worry about the "you should fancy me at any size" narrative. Really I do.

WorraLiberty · 28/07/2020 10:04

I don't make the rules. None of us do. But to be under the illusion that size and health of body has no impact on sexual attraction is just not true.

Of course it's not true. If it was, the majority of models/movie stars/actors etc would be overweight.

Generally speaking, people tend to find slimmer bodies more attractive. To pretend otherwise is a bit odd.

SallyWD · 28/07/2020 10:18

I find my husband more sexy and attractive when he's slim. Sadly it's true of many people. I'm glad your husband is not making comments or being unkind.

malificent7 · 28/07/2020 10:26

Well we are all onto a bit of a looser here aren't we. My dp can an eat utter junk and remain slim. I look at chocolate and gain 3 stone.
Part of our relationship revolves around going out for food or a glass of wine in the pub. Therefore i gain..he dosnt. He likes curves but gets more excited when im slim. However if i was super atrict a fun part of our lives would go.
Some men love curves...some don't. I loved Russel Howard's take on women and weight...men generally dont want to shag a xylophone!

malificent7 · 28/07/2020 10:26

Strict

WorraLiberty · 28/07/2020 10:34

I look at chocolate and gain 3 stone.

No you don't ^^

Eating out or having a glass of wine in a pub doesn't have to cause anyone to gain weight.

Eating/drinking to excess for our own bodies is what does that.

huuunderickssss · 28/07/2020 10:37

I do think most people look more attractive when at an optimum weight .. surely that isn't news to you. My face looks prettier and frankly much better when I'm lighter . He should be honest though and you can deal with how that affects you and your choices moving forward .

OhTheTastyNuts · 28/07/2020 10:45

So it's ok to say "men don't want to shag a xylophone", but not ok to say that men don't want to shag someone who is fat?!

WorraLiberty · 28/07/2020 10:51

@OhTheTastyNuts

So it's ok to say "men don't want to shag a xylophone", but not ok to say that men don't want to shag someone who is fat?!
The 'shagging a xylophone' comment is vile and says a lot about the person saying it/people who find it funny.
hamstersarse · 28/07/2020 10:53

I don't understand the xylophone thing

Goatinthegarden · 28/07/2020 10:54

When I’m slimmer, I’m more self confident, fitter and have more energy. My DH loves us being active together, so we have more fun and he is definitely more attentive when we have been bounding around outside together than slobbing on the sofa.

I find him more attractive when he is at his fittest too.

As for loving your partner at any weight....? I want someone who looks after their health and fitness. If he had an accident or illness that caused him to pile weight on, that’s one thing...of course I would be there for him, I accept that we will look different and change shape as we age too. But if he just decided to stop caring about his health and appearance, I’d find that deeply unattractive.

Goatinthegarden · 28/07/2020 10:55

@hamstersarse

I don't understand the xylophone thing
Think it’s possibly a comment about being able to feel rib cages?
Dontforgetyourbrolly · 28/07/2020 11:03

I don't fancy fat people, sorry but I don't. I know that sounds horrible but you can't control what you find attractive. Lots of women fancy Boris Johnson for example, go figure!
Your husband might just prefer your body when you are slim, that obviously doesn't change how much he loves you .

Swipe left for the next trending thread