Which person is being unreasonable here?

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Person A and B friends for many years, socialised together frequently and lived very close to each other.

Person A has children
Person B lives alone

Both A and B moved houses, now about 7 miles apart - rural, lack of taxis/public transport so socialising has declined over time. All socialising is usually B’s suggestions of activities or at B’s house with A having to make their own way home. B has only visited A once in a year at their new home.

A & B stayed in touch over lockdown via video calls and texts, but didn’t meet up and this also declined over time from both sides.

B gets in touch with A and complains about lack of contact, A apologises and explains has been busy with working and DC. B invites A to go on a shopping trip that day but A is busy.

A month goes by

Person A tells B and other friends on group text that they would like to have a party for their birthday and a date is discussed and all invited to A’s house. A & B also FaceTime briefly the week before and party is mentioned and invite given again. B says they are free that evening.

A gets a happy birthday text message from B but no card or attempt to visit.

Party evening arrives a week later which A has set up a garden party area. Person A posts a photo of the party area to social media, and B sends a text asking about the party and why they are not invited.

A explains they invited B twice to the party which B says was not clear. A asks B again to attend the party but B says they aren’t going to come as it is now too late (8pm).

A is hurt that B made no effort on their birthday
B is annoyed with A for not being clear, being busy and not contacting them enough

Who is BU?

B has only visited A once in a year at their new home
B didn't want to make the effort and is feigning injured feelings/miscommunication to avoid the obvious.

A needs to do more with the friend. Not good. Seems b is always instigating stuff.

B was slightly over sensitive

But also. C d e f and g wondered when they weren’t included in the alphabet soup!

This thread has reminded me of my mum will often do this , I'll text to say we are going such and such a place on such and such date then she'll claim I've not told her where and when even though it's in the text .
It's draining at times but I've given up rising to it because it looks like I'm unreasonable as all I get is why would I say I've not been told ...

However

Both and a b sounds like they are 12!!!!

Give over. Why can’t you say. Me. Tina. Doesn’t like Adrian. God what a plonker

I don’t think B (or Bob if this suits you better) ever wanted to come looking back, no commitment, no excitement about it no questions or anything. When it got to 7pm of the day of the party I had a feeling they were not going to bother coming

Initially we had talked about going into the city and doing some massive night out, perhaps B thought this was a wasted opportunity and they would have attended had I done something that interested them and this did not. They have never met my other friends

I’ve been a really good friend for nearly 10 years bar the last 7 weeks I think. I had a lot going on and I haven’t spent 10 years being a crap friend I don’t think

So what do you do now? Talk about it or just let it hang?

All a bit drama llama. Neither side has case to be peeved.

Yeah I'd ask her why she thought she wasn't invited when you specifically told her about it and she said she was free . Maybe just say don't you remember B I was telling you and you said yes I'll be free on that evening .

If he’s never met your other friends and his own group weren’t going then I’d imagine it would have been awkward for him.

Especially because you haven’t had time for him in nearly two months, and your invitation was unclear and pretty unenthusiastic!

I think if you ask 3 people if they are free, and 2 say they aren't - then I'd await a decision from you in the exact plans/if you were definitely having a party or chose a different night when people were free. The other option is being the only one showing up when there is no party.

There's a big difference between "I've been thinking about a party, are you free x date?" And "I'm having a party on x date, can you come around 7.30?"

I’d have to talk it through rather then have it hanging in the air.

Your initial 'invitation' to the group doesn't sound like a proper invitation to me. You were just sounding out if they would be available If you ended up having a party.

Then add to that the fact that C(?) said they definitely couldn't make it, then no wonder B assumed the party probably won't be happening. You then said B could come along with D, who also can't come, so I'm not surprised B didn't think it was happening.

Ok thanks for the advice

The more I have thought I agree probably after C wasn’t coming B never had any intention to come but didn’t want to say it

I think the lack of even a card was lame seen as it was my 40th.

I don’t think this friendship is as good as I imagined it to be or there would be a lot more effort on both sides.

D never said they could not come - they just didn’t come. I invited B, C and D but only C told me they couldn’t come

A is being unreasonable for starting a confusing letter based thread ;)

Lockdown has been tough on everyone, A and B should both cut each other some slack.

• I invited 2 friends who are a couple
• The couple asked to bring a brother who I know well which was great
• I invited 2 other separate people who didn’t know the others and only knew me - they still came
• Then B,C and D

So the other people who attended came to a free party with food and drink and got to know other people there - is that not what friends do at parties? Is there a rule you only have certain friends from certain groups to separate parties? Was I meant to have multiple parties? I suppose I don’t get it. I go to parties where I don’t know everyone but know the host and you just meet new people!

@BillBaileysBum

I’ve already said that I used letters as B is a guy not a woman although it didn’t seem relevant, it might cause more confusion and a lot of he and she

Fewer and fewer people send cards for occasions. They are very temporary, not worth the money, a waste of the earth's resources and there are modern ways to say happy birthday that get rid of two of those issues. Which B did.

It wouldn't occur to me to register that as an issue.

I think as it was your 40th and Bob couldn’t be arsed to come then the friendship is on the wane. I wouldn’t bother addressing it directly but I also wouldn’t go out of my way to be hanging out all the time.

I also agree with the above that the lockdown has been rough on us all in different ways, having kids at home and working or being used to socialising lots and then suddenly having a very dull at home all the time life. Sounds like it’s exacerbated your differences as friends, it’s ok to be different as long as there is understanding and a bit of empathy.

A is busier than B, plainly, so there is a disparity. There was something unclear in the communication for some unknown reason. B was no doubt welcome at the party, so she might as well have gone. If you don't have kids, you have no idea how hard it is to socialize without them around. They're just always there and always an issue.

If B couldn't be arsed to go because it's a bit of hassle getting there and back and mutual friends weren't going then I could understand not being keen but to say that he wasn't invited is unreasonable.

Initially we had talked about going into the city and doing some massive night out are you in the UK? If you are then this would have put me off too, given the current restrictions. But if that's the case, she should have just said instead of playing games