Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Which person is being unreasonable here?

122 replies

Menora · 27/07/2020 14:53

Person A and B friends for many years, socialised together frequently and lived very close to each other.

Person A has children
Person B lives alone

Both A and B moved houses, now about 7 miles apart - rural, lack of taxis/public transport so socialising has declined over time. All socialising is usually B’s suggestions of activities or at B’s house with A having to make their own way home. B has only visited A once in a year at their new home.

A & B stayed in touch over lockdown via video calls and texts, but didn’t meet up and this also declined over time from both sides.

B gets in touch with A and complains about lack of contact, A apologises and explains has been busy with working and DC. B invites A to go on a shopping trip that day but A is busy.

A month goes by

Person A tells B and other friends on group text that they would like to have a party for their birthday and a date is discussed and all invited to A’s house. A & B also FaceTime briefly the week before and party is mentioned and invite given again. B says they are free that evening.

A gets a happy birthday text message from B but no card or attempt to visit.

Party evening arrives a week later which A has set up a garden party area. Person A posts a photo of the party area to social media, and B sends a text asking about the party and why they are not invited.

A explains they invited B twice to the party which B says was not clear. A asks B again to attend the party but B says they aren’t going to come as it is now too late (8pm).

A is hurt that B made no effort on their birthday
B is annoyed with A for not being clear, being busy and not contacting them enough

Who is BU?

OP posts:
Alexandernevermind · 27/07/2020 16:09

B sounds more invested in the relationship than A, because B is making all the plans. B is now cheese off that they have to make all of the effort and the only time they are invited is when there is a party. As they have children its probably difficult to get babysitters. Perhaps the relationship has run its course.

5foot5 · 27/07/2020 16:13

I think that some people have read this to mean that B was always the one making arrangements.

I don't read it this way, just that whenever a meetup was arranged, then regardless of who proposed the meet up, B pushed the activities or insisted it was at their home, not A's. I don't see that it's always B initiating contact.

I agree. I read it that way too that B always arranged the socialising at her convenience.

But then again we only have A's side of the story. (OP is clearly A) And friendships very often do lapse when one side has DCs and the other doesn't. With the best will in the world a little bit of other people's DC can go a long way.

As to the invitation. Well A obviously thinks it was clearly sent but she would wouldn't she. It may have been considerably less obvious she was invited from B's POV

Eddielzzard · 27/07/2020 16:17

Hmm B seems to generally make an effort with instigation, but A seems to do the running around ie. visiting B. B clearly getting fed up of always making the first move. A possibly getting fed up of travelling to B's events or house.

But B is being a nob about A's birthday. Possibly hurt at lack of contact from A?

Both sides are at extreme ends of lock down. A with kids and work. B presumably living alone? Hence totally opposite experiences and perhaps a little understanding and empathy needed from both sides.

Original poster
Menora · 27/07/2020 16:17

Yes I am A and it’s easier than saying me and them.

No one else came from that group no. Friend C told me straight away she couldn’t come and was very sorry. I also extended an invite to friend D who also didn’t come either, and told friend B that they could come with friend D on FaceTime.

I haven’t had any parties before this was the first one. Usually people gather at B’s which is fine and great, but it is difficult to get home again unless driving, which is an issue for both of us so I understand not coming to my house either for the same reason and that would have been ok.

What I did not understand was B saying I didn’t invite them. I initially thought maybe I wasn’t clear. But on the FaceTime call someone else was with me when it took place and backed up that I clearly said the date was X and invited them again.

I have been a bit AWOL of late from the friendship as so so busy (about 7 weeks) but apart from inviting me to go shopping, B has not made that much effort either. I don’t think I have done anything terrible enough for them not to come to my birthday (which we had talked about loads before).

I also think the friendship has drifted.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 27/07/2020 16:20

Yes I am A and it’s easier than saying me and them.

It really isn’t,

2020wasShocking · 27/07/2020 16:24

But B was invited on a group text? And said she was free that night? So I assumed that she was going?

Why is B going in a huff? because she didn’t get a personal invite, did she not want a group invite?

OP from that scenario that’s my initial response to the situation....

AnneOfQueenSables · 27/07/2020 16:24

friend B that they could come with friend D on FaceTime
That's not really an invite. I think you didn't make the invitation clear enough tbh hence why no-one from that group came. Mentioning a party and a date and saying 'come along' in the middle of another conversation with other people doesn't feel like a serious invitation. If you want people to attend then you text an invite with all the details or call someone individually and give them the details.

2020wasShocking · 27/07/2020 16:25

Just seen your update and your person A. I agree with you. Your friend is acting like a drama queen

Standrewsschool · 27/07/2020 16:29

Regarding the party, A invited everyone on the group chat, plus mentioned it to B privately. Therefore, B is unreasonable.

Also, 8pm is hardly late to go to a party.

I reckon op is A.

Scout2016 · 27/07/2020 16:29

Do you instigate meeting up, invite them to your house and do you suggest activities?

Standrewsschool · 27/07/2020 16:30

Sorry, just saw your update, and guessed correct toy you were A

Andylion · 27/07/2020 16:31

I also read it as B always wanting to dictate where the socialising took place rather than being the organiser

Me too. OP, how was the invitation worded?

howfarwevecome · 27/07/2020 16:31

Could have done without the A and B business.

But I agree you haven't done anything wrong.

2020 has been a tough year. It may have highlighted friendships that aren't as solid as many think they are.

Gitfeatures · 27/07/2020 16:32

Person A tells B and other friends on group text that they would like to have a party for their birthday and a date is discussed and all invited to A’s house. A & B also FaceTime briefly the week before and party is mentioned and invite given again. B says they are free that evening.

She said she was free - did she express any intent to attend, or was that a fishing expedition in the hope that you would make the 'invite' clear rather than a casual mention of what you might do?

I think B is feeling 'neglected' and was hoping you would make a point of telling her that you wanted to see her rather than an off the cuff 'come along if you can' comment.

Chocoholic12 · 27/07/2020 16:32

Bs obviously abit slow and needed it explaining more. Or she forgot and is lieing. It's not As fault Bs thick and didnt realise what an invite is.

OhCaptain · 27/07/2020 16:33

and told friend B that they could come with friend D on FaceTime

Wait, so you told her she could come along with Friend D? Was this instead of explicitly inviting her because I can see how that would be hurtful.

You've mentioned again being "so, so busy" so I think you just don't have time for her and are a bit annoyed at her efforts to chat online/meet up.

But then you're equally annoyed when she doesn't come to your party. Confused

The A and B thing isn't easier. It was VERY obvious from how you'd written that you were A but I think you were hoping everyone would say how awful B's behaviour was.

Andylion · 27/07/2020 16:35

Yes I am A and it’s easier than saying me and them.

"It really isn’t,"

Agreed. The OP was also unnecessarily confusing with the use of "they/their" instead of "she/her". I had initially thought it was a joint birthday party for A and B.

OhCaptain · 27/07/2020 16:35

Or she forgot and is lieing. It's not As fault Bs thick and didnt realise what an invite is.

Oh, the irony...

islockdownoveryet · 27/07/2020 16:37

If you definitely invited as in B would you like to come to my party on Saturday? Then she is bu but if it wasn't that you just mentioned I'm having a party on Saturday no actual direct invite?.
Mentioning the party and asking are very different but if you think you were clear then it's odd but some people are .
I've had a invite mix up myself before now where family of dh having a party we weren't told . The host said they told dh mother to invite us she said she thought that they would be inviting us themselves turns out nobody invited us Grin.
Anyway we found out short notice but it's different in your case because we didn't know about the party , but when we found out we thought we weren't invited even though it was just a communication issue .

Bluemoooon · 27/07/2020 16:51

I would put it behind me - start again with B saying 'sorry been busy with lockdown but we need to get together regularly now' and instigate that.

B seems not to realise how busy life is with DCs at home due to lockdown.

LikeDuhWhatever · 27/07/2020 16:56

Sorry but B was clearly invited twice, it’s very clear from the story.
So B is being unreasonable.

Original poster
Menora · 27/07/2020 17:00

Text: I looked back on was to them personally and asked if they would be free on X date as I was thinking about having a party

Then I put on a 3 person chat about the date again and C said no I can’t come. B said was free but also didn’t commit

Then FaceTime call I said ‘are you coming to the party on X? Bring D if you like!’

OP posts:
LIZS · 27/07/2020 17:01

Was date/time confirmed after B said they were free that day? Or did A just assume attendance on that basis.

AryaStarkWolf · 27/07/2020 17:03

@Menora

Text: I looked back on was to them personally and asked if they would be free on X date as I was thinking about having a party

Then I put on a 3 person chat about the date again and C said no I can’t come. B said was free but also didn’t commit

Then FaceTime call I said ‘are you coming to the party on X? Bring D if you like!’

The text and the chat sound like you haven't decided for sure yet, just seeing if people would be available on that date. Obviously if you said on the Facetime call "Are you all coming?" then that's plainly saying the party is happening and anyone on the call is invited
Original poster
Menora · 27/07/2020 17:06

Ok ok apologise for A & B post

Busy wise I have been working full time have DC at home, been doing a lot of DIY and decorating etc. I apologised for being AWOL and thought the party would be a nice catch up but perhaps I have damaged the friendship too much

OP posts: