Which person is being unreasonable here?

[Menora]

Person A and B friends for many years, socialised together frequently and lived very close to each other.

Person A has children
Person B lives alone

Both A and B moved houses, now about 7 miles apart - rural, lack of taxis/public transport so socialising has declined over time. All socialising is usually B’s suggestions of activities or at B’s house with A having to make their own way home. B has only visited A once in a year at their new home.

A & B stayed in touch over lockdown via video calls and texts, but didn’t meet up and this also declined over time from both sides.

B gets in touch with A and complains about lack of contact, A apologises and explains has been busy with working and DC. B invites A to go on a shopping trip that day but A is busy.

A month goes by

Person A tells B and other friends on group text that they would like to have a party for their birthday and a date is discussed and all invited to A’s house. A & B also FaceTime briefly the week before and party is mentioned and invite given again. B says they are free that evening.

A gets a happy birthday text message from B but no card or attempt to visit.

Party evening arrives a week later which A has set up a garden party area. Person A posts a photo of the party area to social media, and B sends a text asking about the party and why they are not invited.

A explains they invited B twice to the party which B says was not clear. A asks B again to attend the party but B says they aren’t going to come as it is now too late (8pm).

A is hurt that B made no effort on their birthday
B is annoyed with A for not being clear, being busy and not contacting them enough

Who is BU?

Thing that jumps out to me about this is that B doesn’t have children and lives alone. This is just an observation but from my experience, those who do not have children do not realise how little time people with children have to think about whether friend A or B might have hurt feelings about the amount of effort they put into their friendships at times.

On the same note, those living alone right now must be feeling lonely and have lots of time to ponder things like this, and may be suffering mentally from the isolation which makes little things like this seem much bigger than they need to be.

If I were you (A) I’d reach out and make an effort to ensure your friend is ok.

So you only said you were thinking about having a party on that date?

That's not an invitation, that's a 'save the date' - and from being on Mumsnet, many of us will be aware that a Save the Date doesn't always mean an invitation will be forthcoming (although it really should)

Yes I am A and it’s easier than saying me and them

Maybe for you, not for the people you have asked AIBU?

You both sound about 10. Honestly. Invite her out for lunch/dinner/drinks. See how it goes then decide if you still want to be friends.

The whole dynamic sounds like too much hassle to me.

Specifically over the invitation your friend is being a drama queen - what did she want? A golden invitation?!

However, I'm sorry your birthday didn't turn out as you'd hoped. 🌷

B is being silly as she was clearly invited to the party.

You sound a bit flakey.... maybe the invite was issued but it was a bit casual sounding.

@OhCaptain

Or she forgot and is lieing. It's not As fault Bs thick and didnt realise what an invite is.

Oh, the irony...

😂

I think six of one and half a dozen of the other to be honest. Is it really worth an argument?

Thing that jumps out to me about this is that B doesn’t have children and lives alone. This is just an observation but from my experience, those who do not have children do not realise how little time people with children have to think about whether friend A or B might have hurt feelings about the amount of effort they put into their friendships at times

But it seems that in this scenario the person with children has plenty of time to be posting on mumsnet about this......

You have had the time to see B if you'd wanted to, you just chose to spend your free time doing decorating and other stuff. Likely that thought will have occured to B too.
Could it be that B prefers not to come to your house because of your kids and OP? Does she want to see you without any distractions?

DP not OP

If no-one turned up to your party that was a bit shit. I hope you had a nice birthday anyway.

@BasinHaircut

Thing that jumps out to me about this is that B doesn’t have children and lives alone. This is just an observation but from my experience, those who do not have children do not realise how little time people with children have to think about whether friend A or B might have hurt feelings about the amount of effort they put into their friendships at times.

On the same note, those living alone right now must be feeling lonely and have lots of time to ponder things like this, and may be suffering mentally from the isolation which makes little things like this seem much bigger than they need to be.

If I were you (A) I’d reach out and make an effort to ensure your friend is ok.

Please not this bs again! People without children are quite capable of empathising and understanding that parenting is hugely time consuming. Equally we are not all sat around spending our days obsessing over what our friends with children are thinking or doing - in this case it seems to be the reverse given that op is the one posting about it on mumsnet

There is no I in team?

But there is a me?

Yes I am A and it’s easier than saying me and them

Because people here are so stupid they couldn’t follow “I, me or they”?

Sounds like you all need to grow up.

This is just an observation but from my experience, those who do not have children do not realise how little time people with children have to think about whether friend A or B might have hurt feelings about the amount of effort they put into their friendships at times.

There it is...

B sounds like an introvert, agoraphobe or ASD
She either cant cope with visiting other houses and/ or large group settings.

People did turn up it was ok

B has more money than me and has a very very nice home so it is nice to socialise in, and mine needed quite a bit of TLC in preparation for visitors so I took advantage of the nice weather and any downtime and getting it done so that I would feel more prepared to host people in a nicer environment.

That was the main reason for being busier lately in my free time perhaps I did not communicate this well to anyone!

I am not flakey generally but I am not really used to hosting parties. I spent quite a lot of money and time and effort doing it to make it a nice experience but perhaps in doing so I have ruined a friendship which is a shame. I don’t know and will never know if B didn’t come out of spite or anger. I am not really angry I am just disappointed.

But if noone turned up that suggests it was not on B who failed to pick up that this was a definite invitation.

Other people did turn up, other friends did. C couldn’t come, D was invited but would only have come if B did anyway as I am friends with them via B

Re being busy, I have just been working a lot, DC, DIY and decorating and all of that. I could have phoned more, I could have visited more. I admit that

I don’t understand how B didn’t realise she was invited but seems genuine given she messaged you after seeing the photo to complain about the lack of invite.
Tbh I doubt the relationship can be repaired. B sounds resentful at having to do the majority of the organising and inviting and A doesn’t seem to have the time or energy to give B the friendship she seems to want/need.

it’s not relevant really in terms of friendship but B is not female and I didn’t want it confused as I could use ‘she’ but it’s not a she. So I used B although I don’t think it really makes any difference.

I can’t always go to events B invites me to as usually long evenings drinking which I am not so young for anymore and I have no DP to collect me so end up getting taxis or driving and being sober (then B tells me I am being boring). I always go to B’s birthdays and we have done a lot of fun things together in the past but it has changed since we moved further away

@Iorderedyouapancake I realise I am generalising here and I’m not suggesting that people without children spend all their time sitting about obsessing about others, however at the moment, I know that people living alone are struggling, given the sheer amount of time they are having to spend on their own.

In regards to appreciating how much time and headspace dealing with kids is, equally, through lockdown its been magnified and even those people with kids might not have expected how intense it would be. However......

Person A in this scenario might just be a bit selfish.

Person B in this scenario may be a drama llama and cause similar issues to this all of the time.

I don’t know, I’m not saying I’ve hit the nail on the head, just an idea

A's been freeloading on B for organising their social life. Now that A finally does organise something it's based around them and B gets a generic group invite and not a personal invite.

I think B's just a bit miffed and has realised how one-sided the friendship has become.

@Menora

it’s not relevant really in terms of friendship but B is not female and I didn’t want it confused as I could use ‘she’ but it’s not a she. So I used B although I don’t think it really makes any difference.

I can’t always go to events B invites me to as usually long evenings drinking which I am not so young for anymore and I have no DP to collect me so end up getting taxis or driving and being sober (then B tells me I am being boring). I always go to B’s birthdays and we have done a lot of fun things together in the past but it has changed since we moved further away

Apologies for assuming both A and B were female.

I am not sure how it came across I have been freeloading off B

I take my own drink to B’s house and sometimes food or pay my half of a takeaway then pay for my own transport home and back. If we go out I pay for myself all evening. I can’t always afford it so I might not go

I provided all the food and drink at my own party for my guests so I could celebrate with them.

B is not lonely they have a lot of friends and close family, during lockdown we all supported each other from afar but as things relaxed with lockdown we both got busy doing our own thing was how I assumed it was