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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband messaging another woman.

76 replies

candylion223 · 26/07/2020 20:27

About a year and a half/two years ago I saw that my husband was messaging another woman. They knew each other as teenagers and she now lives in another country. The messages weren't sexual or anything, but I told my husband I didn't like it and I think he found it funny. Anyway, I forgot about it and assumed they had stopped. Our marriage has been a bit rocky this last year and I just had a look on his phone and they've never stopped messaging each other. They message on both WhatsApp and messenger and send roughly 10-30 messages to each other a day. It's mostly memes and stupid shit, but I get the distinct impression she wants more.
So, my question is, if this was your husband, Would you be annoyed, or would you just let it go because nothing sexual is said?
YABU - shouldn't be annoyed
YANBU - should be annoyed

BTW, I'm more than prepared to be told I'm overreacting.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 26/07/2020 20:30

10-30 messages a day is definitely something to be concerned about.

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/07/2020 20:33

It's not a simple YABU or not.

10-30 a day is MASSIVE and would concern me. But equally I wouldn't put up with DH telling me I couldn't message my DFriends in other countries if I wished. I have two male friends I am in contact with in different countries and at times it's been a few times a day. Not sexual and no chance with them being in different countries. But he laughed at your concerns.

I think it's ALL unreasonable.

Bemorechicken · 26/07/2020 20:33

Too many messages -just he is putting more effort into making her smile etc than you

Fleamaker123 · 26/07/2020 20:38

I wouldn't like it, what does he need to message her for?? What's he getting from it?? Some people wouldn't mind it, but I think when it's a 'female friend' and it excludes you, the partner, that's disrespectful.

BrowncoatWaffles · 26/07/2020 20:38

I’d be most concerned that he had been chatting to her that regularly for several years and deliberately omitted telling me about it, even mentioning it in passing.

Memes and random chat or not, it suggests he attaches importance to it and it suggests an intimate (even if platonic) kind of conspiracy, the two of them against the world.

TheFuckingDogs · 26/07/2020 20:42

I suppose a good place to start is whether these messages mention even in passing you and your daily life together. Even if they do though it’s still probably too excessive for me I think

Barton10 · 26/07/2020 20:49

Too many messages I would be upset if that was my DH. You are not overreacting.

rightmoo · 26/07/2020 20:52

DOes he message anyone else that much? If it's his normal pattern of messaging, I wouldn't be so worried.

Original poster
candylion223 · 26/07/2020 21:07

Thanks for your answers. I really don't know what to think and I just want to get it clear in my mind before I ask him. He doesn't talk to anybody else that much and I don't want to tell him who he can or can't talk to, but I also don't want him to take the piss out of me.

OP posts:
Igotthemheavyboobs · 26/07/2020 21:17

I wouldn't be happy to be told not to message a friend, regardless of sex, but equally 30 messages a day is loads. If it is mainly memes I would probably assume they are mainly forwarded on without much thought. What are the memes about and how much actual talking is there?

My general stance though is it doesn't matter if she fancies him or whatever. It matters if he fancies her and wants more. People don't heat just because they have the opportunity, they have to make a decision to act on it.

heartsonacake · 26/07/2020 21:24

YWBU to essentially tell him he couldn’t message his friend. So what if she’s female? You don’t get to dictate who he’s close with and how often he contacts them. Trying to control that is abusive.

Original poster
candylion223 · 26/07/2020 21:29

@heartsonacake I never told him he couldn't message her, just told him I didn't like it. I wouldn't tell him who to, or who not to, message, but am wondering now if I'm being made to look a fool. Hence my post.

OP posts:
Nosuchluck · 26/07/2020 21:31

YANBU
It sounds as if he's been sneaky messaging the woman and the amount is excessive.

Chocoholic12 · 26/07/2020 21:31

If she were his friend he would speak about her and be like.... oh look what Lucy has said / Lucy said blabla bla. My bfs just been telling me about Sam and dan at football and Sam said this / Dan's missus said that. Point is if it was just friends there would be no hiding it right? I'd be FUMING.

Dinoteam · 26/07/2020 21:31

You were being unreasonable to begin with. If there was nothing wrong in the messages at all why on Earth shouldn’t he be able to message a friend?!

Can’t believe most people think you’re being reasonable.

Chocoholic12 · 26/07/2020 21:33

I dont message my best friend that much. I dont even message my bf or son that much! Really dodgy.

Pebblexox · 26/07/2020 21:37

What did he say when you initially found out and told him you felt uncomfortable?
I disagree with pp, saying that you're unreasonable to have spoke to him about not talking to her. Every relationship has to have boundaries, and it's between the couple what they are. I personally wouldn't be comfortable with my husband messaging another woman that much in a day, however he isn't a big texter so it would be totally out of character for him so would raise red flags.
Only you know how you feel op, I think you need to talk to him.

2andahalfpints · 26/07/2020 22:07

I agree that each couple has their own boundaries within the relationship. If something makes me uncomfortable my husband doesn't do it and vice versa but we are very open and honest with each other and decided together that nothing is as important as ensuring we both feel secure in our relationship.

meghanisadick · 27/07/2020 04:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
candylion223 · 27/07/2020 05:27

@meghanisadick Not a bunny boiler at all actually. I haven't gone mental about it or lost my head about it. I came on a primarily woman's webpage to ask people's opinions of what they thought about it because I wondered what other women would think. I've said a couple of times I've never tried to tell him he can't message people, just wondered if other women would be happy with it. That's all. And FYI I don't have a chip on my shoulder either.

OP posts:
laudete · 27/07/2020 05:33

She's a childhood friend and she lives in another country. The text messages are just "memes and stupid shit". She is obviously just a good friend. The main reason why the volume of messages is so high is that they're inane memes rather than words, which would actually take longer to type out. On balance, I think YABU and I'd guess you wouldn't be happy if he negatively judged the conversations between you and your friends. My ex didn't like some of my friends; he forced me to cut them out of my life. One of the many unforgivable things he did to me.

cuntryclub · 27/07/2020 05:37

@candylion223

Ignore that poster. They are having a bad morning

stellabelle · 27/07/2020 05:44

So he is thinking about another woman about 10-30 times each day ? For months ? Sorry but I'd be gone. He thinks about someone else every hour or so, every day . I don't understand the posters on here who insist that she is "just a friend" so it's OK. I don't think it's OK at all.

SandysMam · 27/07/2020 05:44

I am in a group WhatsApp with another male and female friend from work. We message every day usually slagging our boss off it is purely platonic from both sides, absolutely nothing sexual at all from either of us. BUT I would not message him privately 30 times a day. I think that crosses an intimacy border and also, as we are totally platonic I don’t feel inclined. Trust your gut on this one OP, I think there are lots of women who would say YANBU, not for him having a female friend, but for the amount of messages.

caribooshriek · 27/07/2020 05:54

I have a number of married male friends from my teenage years. We keep in touch because of shared memories and because we still have things in common but if any of them texted me more than occasionally, I would be worried.

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