Husband messaging another woman.

[candylion223]

About a year and a half/two years ago I saw that my husband was messaging another woman. They knew each other as teenagers and she now lives in another country. The messages weren't sexual or anything, but I told my husband I didn't like it and I think he found it funny. Anyway, I forgot about it and assumed they had stopped. Our marriage has been a bit rocky this last year and I just had a look on his phone and they've never stopped messaging each other. They message on both WhatsApp and messenger and send roughly 10-30 messages to each other a day. It's mostly memes and stupid shit, but I get the distinct impression she wants more.
So, my question is, if this was your husband, Would you be annoyed, or would you just let it go because nothing sexual is said?
YABU - shouldn't be annoyed
YANBU - should be annoyed

BTW, I'm more than prepared to be told I'm overreacting.

I'd be concerned and I would a billion percent talk to my husband. He would never do it because he wouldn't like it if I was messaging a man. Ask him how he would feel you messaging another man that amount of time in a day

I don’t think you are a bunny boiler at all!
I would be very concerned, 30 times a day is ridiculous. Getting on for twice an hour on average. Is this woman never out of his thoughts?
If he can’t understand why you are upset then maybe your marriage isn’t worth fighting for.
Sorry OP,

DP has a female friend from childhood who he messages with often, sometimes daily, sometimes not for a few weeks. Always general chat, shared a few memes or funny pics etc, sends her pics of our cat.

Majority of DPs friends are female actually, never been bothered by it, but there is no secrecy or anything so I'd be daft to be annoyed. They're just friends he knew well before he knew me.

I text a lot on WhatsApp or Messenger or whatever and could easily text someone 10+ times in a day - this wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. They’re clearly mates, memes and shit don’t suggest anything intimate going on and she’s in another country.

You said you didn’t ask him not to message her, but when you said you were uncomfortable you clearly said it with the expectation he would stop, and are clearly unhappy that he hasn’t. That’s a bit possessive in my book when there’s nothing in the messages to suggest they are anything but friends.

Candylion, you are not overreacting.

I would be very uncomfortable with this level of contact. Your H dismissed your feelings when you initially expressed discomfort with their messaging. Instead of stopping or dialing it back, he secretly ramped up their interaction.

While your marriage has been rocky for a year, he has been exchanging 10-30 messages per day with this woman. Has his behavior toward you changed? He may be creating emotional distance between you to justify and make room for all the time, energy and attention he is channeling to her. The message content doesn’t have to be sexual or romantic to be bonding.

What has she said that makes you think she wants more?

The bit that would bother me is the fact that he lied and said he wasn’t messaging her anymore.

I think it’s human nature to worry and be a bit jealous, but equally, it shouldn’t really matter who you’re friends with (male or female) as long as it’s just a friendship. Which it sounds like this very much is 😃

I text a lot and could easily send that many message and they’d essentially just add up to a ten minute conversation.

People are putting far too much thought into how many messages there are vs what they actually say. Sending a meme for instance takes about a second. Add that up and you have less messages than the length of a face-to-face conversation they might have.

In terms of his lying, well, if my partner told me he didn’t like me being in touch with a friend purely because he was male I probably wouldn’t tell him that I still was either.

YABU.

The OP didn’t say he said he’d stopped, she assumed he had stopped so I don’t see where he’s lying?

And if I’m having a hard time at home I would usually message my friends more, to give me breathing space, cheer me up etc. The OP has said there’s nothing untoward in the messages. I rely on my friends when times are tough - I’d not be worrying about this, I’d be much more worried about why my marriage was actually rocky than this distraction.

It is inappropriate. Ignore the 'cool' wives on here or the ones who message their male friends daily. You have the right to be concerned.

What is your gut instinct OP? It's sounds like you think the woman is into your DH.
You always get the 'cool wives' on these threads who would blame you if you found out he was having an affair for checking his phone.
I agree you should be allowed friends of the opposite sex. To me it can come down to your gut your husband could have lots of female friends but sometimes your gut tells you something about one of them. His reaction by laughing at you is unreasonable. I wouldn't want to ask my partner to stop messaging someone but I would like to be able to communicate my concerns and hope they would reassure me.

I wouldn't be happy with this.

If its a friend he would chat about it , even say things like 'look at this meme C sent it's really funny' etc

He doesn't , he omits to talk about a friend and one he is in a lot of contact with.

He's putting a lot of effort into her. Its not about sex , more importantly its the emotional time he spends with her. Thinking she'll like this , I'll tell her about this etc. Sex is a result of that emotional energy. He's having an emotional affair and that is no different as if he was having sex with her.

I don’t consider myself to be a “cool wife”, but neither do I look for problems where there may be none when I know without doubt there are problems elsewhere. There’s nothing to suggest an affair from what the OP has said.

I don’t think anyone’s trying to be “cool”, people are just giving their opinion like the OP asked for. One of my best friends is a guy, what was I gonna do when I met my husband? “Sorry I have a boyfriend now we can’t be friends anymore”
🤦‍♀️

I hate the term 'cool wives' it's just a term to put down women who don't think the same way as you.
I don't really see how a conversation made up mainly of memes is anything like having an emotional affair. I wouldn't think there would be any emotional connection there at all if that is really all the messages are. You get into habits of sending pictures from fb etc onto certain people, that doesn't mean you want to shag them.

There’s nothing to suggest an affair from what the OP has said.

No, there’s nothing to suggest they’re actually having sex. But I have rather higher expectations of my spouse that just ‘don’t shag someone else’ - don’t you? There are many behaviours that fall short of actually having sex with someone else that are still unacceptable and inappropriate from a married person.

I’d be very upset about it. YANBU OP.

You told your DH it was making you think uncomfortable and he still carried on ?
That is really thoughtless and unkind.

That amount of messages is an awful lot OP, and suggests that they are thinking about each other a lot, it would definitely make me uncomfortable. Being married doesn’t mean you can’t have friends, but the friendship dynamics between men and women is different to the dynamics between same sex friendships, even if people don’t like to admit it, and there is nothing wrong with you telling your DH that level of contact makes you uncomfortable.

@Cusano34
The bit that would bother me is the fact that he lied and said he wasn’t messaging her anymore
Unless I’ve missed something in the OP’s posts I don’t think he did that. The OP told him she wasn’t happy with him messaging her and ”I forgot about it and assumed they had stopped”.

However I would be annoyed. Not because he is massaging her, but because:

1. he found it funny when she said she didn’t like him messaging her and it sounds like he dismissed her concerns.
2. the frequency of the messaging. I think 10-30 messages a day is a lot and it’s excessive UNLESS that’s his normal pattern of messaging people and there are several other friends he messages with the same frequency.
3. he kept it secret from her for 18 months to 2 years. I know according to the OP’s posts he never said he had stopped messaging her, but not to mention the messaging or the friend in question during that time suggests he has deliberately omitted telling her.
4. It's mostly memes and stupid shit, but I get the distinct impression she wants more. depending on how obvious this is to anyone, depends on whether he clearly knows this and is encouraging her in which case it’s inappropriate and therefore the OP has good reason to be annoyed.

Just wondering OP whether he knows you looked at his phone? Or does divulging that you have done that depend on what the consensus of opinion on here is and you’re only going to tell him that if the consensus on here is YANBU and not to just let it go?

Why should she ignore all is ‘cool wives’ (hate this term btw) or ones that message their male friends daily? Are we not allowed to put a different perspective across?

There’s nothing wrong with messaging a friend. There is nothing wrong with having a friend of the opposite sex. 100s of messages I could understand but 10-30 is not a lot at all for someone who texts a lot, especially when it’s just memes.

I can’t believe the responses on here. If my complained to me about having a male friend then went through my phone he would be out the door!

I wouldn't be happy at all OP. I found out my fiancé was messaging someone he'd met on the internet often 30+ times a day. It wasn't the fact he was messaging a friend, I have friends of both sexes that I message but the frequency of them. I only ever message people 30+ times a day when I'm getting into a relationship with them. I do not message my friends to say good morning etc. Anyway lo and behold the emotional affair became physical. Don't settle for someone who shits on your gifts and check out chump lady (google her)

10-30 messages a day is absolutely loads. Even in our early dating days I wouldn’t have messages DH that often. He could really like her, he could just be bored. But I would definitely not be happy about it either. It’s not to do with messages being sexual or not, the general chit chat of life- a meme, a funny thing that’s happened at work or whatever- chatting to your partner about those things is what makes relationships work, and if he’s doing that with another woman, that isn’t good.

There is a spectrum here. Of course it’s not on to police who your partner speaks to online.

But 30 messages a day has crossed a line. Don’t know how the people telling you not to be a bunny boiler can fail to see that.

I’m a firm believer that the only way to deal with this sort of thing is to walk away. Someone who is that connected to someone else online isn’t willingly going to drop them just because you say so. You need to become the agent of change. Move out for a bit maybe.

But I have rather higher expectations of my spouse that just ‘don’t shag someone else’ - don’t you?

I do, but my standards don’t include dropping all your friends because we’re together, it doesn’t include never messaging anyone I’m uncomfortable with, and it doesn’t include me looking for fault in my DH sharing memes and shit with a long standing friend.

I can message folk quite a bit through the course of the day, the level of contact the OP described wouldn’t be unusual for me with some friends and wouldn’t take a lot of time - 10 minutes or so back and forth. I’m certainly not having an emotional affair with any of them.

If you are uncomfortable and feeling a bit off with all the messages you have a right to ask him to scale back.. how do affairs start? Emotions .. she is obviously on his mind more often than not ..
then again does he message you just as often?

More often than not that gut feeling/ feeling off/niggly feeling .. usually is spot on 🤷🏻‍♀️

100s of messages I could understand but 10-30 is not a lot at all for someone who texts a lot, especially when it’s just memes.

OP has said he doesn't text his other friends much, so he's not someone who texts a lot.

OP, you know him, so trust your gut. The fact she lives in another country means that it's unlikely to become physical, but he's certainly enjoying the attention he's getting from another woman.

Also, you say your marriage has been rocky for a year. Are you both trying to rectify that?

Does he always dismiss your concerns?

If it's all innocent then why did he not tell OP.

What does it matter if she is in a different country? Messaging inappropriately is wrong wherever you are.

I wouldn't be happy for the deceit tbh.