Husband messaging another woman.

[candylion223]

About a year and a half/two years ago I saw that my husband was messaging another woman. They knew each other as teenagers and she now lives in another country. The messages weren't sexual or anything, but I told my husband I didn't like it and I think he found it funny. Anyway, I forgot about it and assumed they had stopped. Our marriage has been a bit rocky this last year and I just had a look on his phone and they've never stopped messaging each other. They message on both WhatsApp and messenger and send roughly 10-30 messages to each other a day. It's mostly memes and stupid shit, but I get the distinct impression she wants more.
So, my question is, if this was your husband, Would you be annoyed, or would you just let it go because nothing sexual is said?
YABU - shouldn't be annoyed
YANBU - should be annoyed

BTW, I'm more than prepared to be told I'm overreacting.

What’s inappropriate about the messages?

@Jellycatspyjamas

What’s inappropriate about the messages?

OP said 'she gets the impressions she wants more'.

30 exchanges on a message platform equates to what, 3-5 minutes of conversation?

OP said 'she gets the impressions she wants more

OP also seeks to limit his contact with old friends

Maybe OP is not unbiased in her impression

The OP doesn’t say what gives her that impression - there doesn’t seem to be anything in the messages that are “memes and shit” to suggest, and the OP was never comfortable with him keeping the friendship in the first place.

What is inappropriate about the messages - he never mentions he texts her or has a friendship with her.

Friendships don't need to be hidden.

If my DH told me he didn’t want me to continue a longstanding friendship I probably wouldn’t be mentioning that friendship. In fairness I probably wouldn’t have stayed with my DH if he tried to control my social life, but that’s another matter.

I think it’s a shame that men and women often don’t seem to be able to be allowed to have genuine friendships due to partners being a bit sniffy about it. Obviously if there’s history of previous stuff going on then it’s totally understandable. But, I do think it’s possible for married men and women to be friends for lots of reasons.

However 10-30 messages a day does seem quite a lot, especially if he’s not a big text fan generally.

I guess you just have to talk it out with him if instinctively you’re feeling uncomfortable about it. He’s upset you and you can’t help how you are feeling. Talking it through is the only way around this situation.

YANBU, OP. Listen to your gut and tread carefully as you find out more.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong obviously with having friends of the opposite sex, but it sounds like she’s the first thing on his mind- “Oh, that’s funny. I must forward it to ‘Louelle’.” “Shocking news on the BBC - i’ll text Louelle”. “Ha ha, cute animal pic - let me send it to

My ex did that - glued to his phone for one particular female friend. Nothing really inappropriate - just jokes and memes. But it was an emotional affair, and gradually I became nothing to my then DH. He and this friend are now together.

I wouldn’t confront him because that will just make him defensive, but I would maybe try to involve myself more. Ask why he’s laughing, ask how Louelle is, say you find such and such memes cool too, think about sharing some of Louelle’s interests. Insert yourself a little. Don’t be absent from his mind.

Friendships don't need to be hidden.

Unless you're not allowed friends

No decent man would do this.

OP, I have been in your shoes, similar situation in that the woman is in another country but constantly texting and I eventually found out that he'd been involved with her before he met me (he'd previously insisted nothing had happened until I told him I'd found coupley photos of them online). She wasn't happy in her marriage and was sneaking around behind her husband's back using my husband as an emotional crutch. Lots of drama ensued but eventually he cut contact with her (she threw her toys out of the pram at that). I definitely wouldn't be happy in your situation especially if he's not a big texter. People can develop an attachment without even realising. I really had to have it out with my husband about how it wasn't appropriate. I wish you luck.

10-30 texts most days.

If i sent someone that many texts in a day it would be a one off.

Sounds like she's his first thought.

I wouldn't disrespect my partner like this. If he did this we'd be having words.

Just no. It doesn't fit in my idea of an adult relationship. Anyone who wants this sort of carry on is welcome to it.

1-3 messages fine
10-30 absolutely not fine

I don’t think you're being unreasonable at all @candylion223.

I’d repost this in relationships for more considered opinions.

The number of messages, the secrecy, the fact that you describe your marriage as rocky, and your sense that something is up all add up. I’d start detaching a bit and make sure you’re living the best life you can for yourself, get out and do things and think on what you want.

I used to message my best friend that amount, she's female if that matters. Maybe they're just good friends? If the messages aren't sexual I don't see the problem.

Friendship dynamics between males and females are different though.

That number of messages would mean his head is constantly occupied with this communication. That's unreasonable. The odd weekly text would. It be an issue.

He's messaging, giving attention, joking and laughing with another woman who is a complete stranger to you. You're not part of the friendship.. Who'd be ok with that?? YANBU in the slightest.
Why does he feel compelled to do this? What's he getting from it? Completely inappropriate behaviour.

One of my closest friends is in a long term relationship and I message him all the time. He is like a brother to me! Luckily his girlfriend likes me too! Would be heartbroken if she put her foot down! Not every female is out to steal your man xx

Yanbu
That’s loads of messages and means he is spending pretty much all day communicating with her
Sorry OP that’s maybe not what you needed to hear

Hmm. I don't know. My best friend is male and we send more than that on some days but there is nothing in it at all. We just send each other random memes or chat generally. But then I probably exchange the same with my husband and my marriage is good. This friend was also around much longer than my DH - 15 years before him in fact.

Equally I exchange the same amount with a female friend and I am bi sexual, so maybe that is a problem too.

I think the issue here is that he is investing more time into this person than he is into your marriage- it is a symptom of the problem, rather than necessarily being the cause. I think you really need to tackle both issues here.

If your husband respected you he wouldn't entertain this. Ask if you can meet her.

Did you get that bit where she lives abroad?

10-30 messages does not mean he spends pretty much all day communicating with her. What an exaggeration, an hour maybe. There’s nothing in the messages.

What is wrong with someone having a laugh and a joke with someone else. Does nobody else’s partners have a life of their own? Feel I live on a completely different planet to most people here.