To leave my husband when I know I will regret it

[Betterlookinglover]

My husband is very good looking, kind and generous to a fault. Even looking back I have been punching above my weight, that's not me being negative it's just a fact. He loves me, would not see this coming. He is kind. But he is not interested in anything I am. This wasn't a problem when the children were small and we were tied to the house but now they have left/getting ready to leave I just feel so lost. I want to live, he wants to watch TV. I know he will easily find a girlfriend, I know I will be jealous but equally I can't live like this

Talk to him, he might think you are fine with how things are

I know this isn't exactly comparable, and I'm genuinely not trying to cause contention, but whenever I see these types of threads I can't help but liken it to somebody complaining that they hate religion whilst sitting by their Christmas tree.

What I mean by that is, this man is your husband. Your vows preclude you from being so nonchalant about wanting to walk away because you're essentially bored of the relationship now. I do totally understand that humans are fallible, and you can't put too much pressure on yourself to ignore how you feel. Ultimately I think it's important to do what you need to do. I just wonder if it's worth remembering that you vowed to stay? Would that change anything at all for you? I guess that's my long winded way of politely explaining why I think YABU.

@Qz that's how I feel. Sometimes I lie in bed, sharing a bed with another person and yet I've never felt so lonely or so detached. I've been more lonely Sharing a bed with him than I have been in a strange continent on my own. To pp there is no one else,i have no male. Friends. Plenty of female but they don't float my boat.

I really don't get why so many people are saying 'oh you must stay together', 'you'll regret it' etc.
Usually it's 'you deserve to be happy', 'you don't need a reason to leave', etc.
Maybe because this is aibu not relationships?

Is it too much to ask that our life partner is interested in us for our own sake?

So you don't want to leave as you will become jealous when he hooks up with someone else...
Good reason to stay🤦🏽‍♀️

I really don't get why so many people are saying 'oh you must stay together', 'you'll regret it' etc.
Usually it's 'you deserve to be happy', 'you don't need a reason to leave', etc.
Maybe because this is aibu not relationship

Because OP specifically said she might regret it and her reason was they don’t share the same interests. How many couples do you know who share the exact same hobbies/ interests?

4@JuanNil I agree with your sentiment and when I made my vows in my earlier 20s I did mean to keep them. In fact I have kept them and realise if i break them the fall out will be huge (not just because I will be jealous)

sounds like you married him for his looks and money and used him for your own ends.....

This is quite odd: its the reverse reaction to most of these threads where an OP who says her marriage is no longer fulfilling and many people say if it doesn't bring you joy, don't feel you have to stick with it. I don't know if there's something in the water tonight or what...

I agree that your post sounds confused about what you want and what is driving this you sound both as if you think you are unworthy of him and as if you are bored with him, so its quite hard to unpick what the real issue is.

I agree with posters that its not a requirement for couples to have identical mutual interests. But I also think its a bit of a stretch to argue that its an advantage for them not to have. I am quite in favour of having an independent life within a marriage but I think big differences in motivation/ambition/desire to do things is quite difficult to overcome. I would really struggle to be able to maintain a relationship with someone who had no greater life goal than to watch television and I don't blame you for feeling deflated at this.

I don't really know what the answer is and I think some counselling would be helpful so you can work out what exactly it is that is making you uncomfortable.

But I would go against the grain here which is essentially "you've made your bed, you have to lie in it." If this relationship no longer makes you happy you're not obliged to remain in it just because there's unlikely to be anyone more compatible around. You can leave if it makes you unhappy.

I don't think it's normal for couples to generally share hobbies or interests. Do you show an active interest in anything your DH likes? Maybe you could agree to both make more of an effort to discuss your hobbies or interests. It might be a TV show for DH, but it doesn't mean you can't connect through discussing the storyline etc for instance.

My DH likes playing guitar and photography while I like endurance sports and challenges. He rarely comes to see me run a half marathon, but I go with friends instead. He is more homely and enjoys spending more time just jamming on his guitar or looking into the latest camera gear. It's never been a problem though because we always ask about each other's days at dinner and spend time relaxing together.

My friend married the most gorgeous looking man, lovely and kind, plenty of money. But god he is dull. I would be climbing the walls. She has had a few affairs one he found about and they separated for a time. They did get back together but she is sixty odd now and not a happy person, her life has kind of disappointed her.

It sounds less about having shared interests and much more about the emotional intimacy has gone in your marriage

Have you told him how unhappy and alone you feel, how incredibly sad and and lonely you are?

@Betterlookinglover
OP, is it possible you could still live your life, developing your own interests and hobbies, and remain married to your DH?
You say you would be jealous if your DH found another girlfriend, which sounds to me like you still love him.
Another poster has asked if you have told him about how you feel, but maybe he's just as lost at what to do with himself as the family dynamic has changed, ie your children are older, and less dependant.
If you, for instance bought 2 theatre tickets (after lockdown) would he come along with you? This lockdown has highlighted problems in so many relationships, but reading your situation, it just sounds as though you are both stuck in a rut, and the marriage could be saved.
Try and develop your own life and interests and see if he's still nice to come home to, you said he was kind, and this in my book is a great quality. Best wishes to you all as a family.

Only a couple of people here have mentioned what absolutely stood out to me whe I read your post. The first thing you mention is he is good looking ... snd then you talk about punching above your weight. To me this seems absolutely the crux. Somebody's "looks" do not a marriage make. It is superficial. Maybe nice superficial, but at the end of the day it's not enough. What is your relationship built on? It seems like its not built on anything of substance. And in that respect, either you have to accept that, or you have to tackle your own fears and realise that you,may meet quasimodo tomorrow and you will not giive two hoots what he looks like if you are connected to him in a way which is of substance. I'm rambling.... but I do think this is the issue.
Whatever people say about grass is greener et. etc is true. But it is also quite possible to have a satisfying life without a pretty addendum .... and to let him meet a beautiful woman and they can sit together looking beautiful on the sofa watching tv. It's not for you.

Don't mistake bored with your life with bored with him. It's not compulsory to do things together or even have the same interests. Some couples do, but plenty of happy couples don't.

THIS.

DH and I watch different films, have different hobbies, want to do different things. At the same time, I love him, fancy him, always want to talk to him.

If you love him, talk to him

Leaving your DH seems a bit drastic under these circumstances. This reads like one of those situations where you could talk to him, and work on it. Marriage is a lot deeper than shared activities or hobbies. Me and DH are quite different in that respect, but that's okay. I go to choir, he tinkers with electronics, and when we do something together its dinner or drinks or a movie.

especially as they will be better than me and better than I will ever meet. That sounds so horrible and selfish. why do you think this OP? you're well travelled, have lots of interests, have clearly been enough for him all these years. why do you assume that a new partner will be better than you? You sound depressed to me, all the comments about how lonely you are, how you aren't good enough, and the increasingly empty nest.

Does he show an interest in your interests? so he doesn't want to go on holiday, but when you get back does he want to know about it?

Are you still physically intimate?

This to me sounds like one of those rare times where I actually think that couples counselling is a good idea. From what you've said, he doesn't sound abusive, and from the way you speak you certainly sound conflicted but not callous so I think you would both benefit from doing as much as possible to keep the relationship alive.

Note: I'm only saying this because of how often you mention that you may regret this. You're clearly not completely over the idea of being married. The spark is gone, that's clear. But from what I understand, that's a huge likelihood in long marriages and when both parties care for each other it's typically advised to try to salvage the relationship, to see if you can create your new future now that the 'work' of raising the children is done.

Try to imagine retired life together. Is that something you want? Do you like the idea of both pursuing your own hobbies and interests? Even if his would just be to watch TV?

On that note also, it does sound to me like he possibly works long hours? Wanting to do absolutely nothing mentally or physically like that is often a sign that the rest of your life is quite demanding. Of course I could be wrong, also sorry for rambling. I don't like the idea that you'll jump out of your marriage only to regret it later. It sounds like you both deserve more than that. I will say, though, if you think there's a possibility of you going on to cheat because you're unhappy, then I think just leave before you do that to him or to yourself

Try counselling, even if it is not couples counselling but just for you to work out how you are feeling and what you realistically want. As other people have said, leaving him isn't going to automatically give you everything you want and the grass isn't always greener.
Really try and look at it from his perspective. Does he know that the current situation isn't working for you anymore? Does he know the extent of how you feel? Have you tried each 'compromising' and doing activities the other person enjoys? Have you tried it recently or a long time ago? Does he work long hours and use the tv as a way to switch off and recover?
If he is happy for you to go off and explore, what are you gaining from leaving him? Is it perhaps that you see him as boring and you want the thrill and excitement of finding a new love? Can you honestly walk away now and say that you tried your best to communicate and make it work together? Not over the course of the relationship but recently. Some people here are suggesting it might be a midlife crisis, do you have a good friend you could speak to about this who would be honest with you? Have you actually already decided and already 'checked out'?
I'd Give it 6 months. Not a big amount of time in the long run, but you can walk away less burdened by the uncertainty if you truly can say you communicated and tried to find a new way that suits you both.

I second therapy, either alone and/or couples.

I am not sure there is an official name for ìt but a few people i know who dont have any "real" problems (financially secure, nice partner/family , good health ) manufacture problems or escalate trivial issues in their minds.
Not saying this is you but reading your posts i am reminded of it...

I would def try therapy to explore your feelings before any big decisions.

@Betterlookinglover Is there a chance that you have not really explained your feelings to your DH? Have you sat down and said you are thinking of divorce?

The reason I'm asking is because you aren't saying much here.
Posters are asking lots of questions and you seem to be finding it a hard to answer. You aren't communicating much to posters who want to help, which makes me wonder if it's the same at home.

Nagging someone and telling them you want to do stuff (travel or whatever) is not the same as having a really open heart to heart discussion about how you feel and where the marriage is going.

There also seems to be some kind of 'contradiction' going on.
Your user name suggests it's what your DH will find (based on what you have said.) OR what you want!

And you have said in your posts that he will 'find someone better'.

What's behind this? Do you lack confidence and have a low opinion of yourself?

Have you got the means to support yourself after a divorce?
Do you work now or would you need to work?
Unless you are wealthy as a couple, the likelihood is you would as a single woman (in your 50s?) be working.
Have you seen a solicitor about the financial side?

My opinion is your marriage is in the doldrums which is really common for midlife relationships.

You've got a lot of work to do before chucking in the towel. Counselling for yourself is the start, to see how you really feel.

And you need to be very realistic about how your life might be as a single woman in your 50s. There may be no other man, ever. You may be on your own. You may struggle with money. Your children may turn against you if your upset the family unit.

Of course NONE of this might be the case but the question is have you considered these as possibilities?

not just because I will be jealous

You keep saying you would be jealous if he found someone else.

This doesn't stack up with your idea you are bored with him and want to leave.

There is a lot coming over in your posts about how he's better looking than you, how women will find him attractive, and how you don't measure up.

If that is how you feel about yourself, you need to work on that.

Having those negative thoughts about yourself is not the basis for leaving and looking for another man.

Agree with PPs suggesting couple’s counselling, if you still love him. (Sounds like you do). From someone well qualified, eg BACP.

Feeling lonely in the relationship, not doing many things together etc.

You could try emotionally blackmailing him into doing things like “if you loved me you’d come out with me” etc. If he doesn’t fall for this you know he is mentally prepared for splitting anyway and it will make it easier for you to consider perhaps

I may be wrong and sorry if that's so, but you sound as if low self worth is an issue.

It looks as if you grabbed a man (DH) and settled for him because he was good looking etc- and you say you were punching above your weight.

Were you desperate to get married and chose him without really thinking if you were compatible?

If so, you are definitely NOT in the right place to leave and look for someone else to stop feeling lonely.

You will end up with the same kind of situation.

You need to work on your own issues first and also learn to communicate your needs properly within your marriage.

Counselling will help you have these discussions with your DH ( go on your own.)