Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To leave my husband when I know I will regret it

118 replies

Betterlookinglover · 26/07/2020 19:04

My husband is very good looking, kind and generous to a fault. Even looking back I have been punching above my weight, that's not me being negative it's just a fact. He loves me, would not see this coming. He is kind. But he is not interested in anything I am. This wasn't a problem when the children were small and we were tied to the house but now they have left/getting ready to leave I just feel so lost. I want to live, he wants to watch TV. I know he will easily find a girlfriend, I know I will be jealous but equally I can't live like this

OP posts:

ivfdreaming · 26/07/2020 21:24

The grass isn't always greener......

RandomMess · 26/07/2020 21:26

I would get on with living your life, invite him along and if he doesn't want to partake then go with friends.

DH and I have zero shared interests and this worries me bit I invest in my friendships. He compromises and comes on one dog with me at the weekend 😂

He is good company, kind to me, pulls his weight - yep not perfect won't socialise but supports my going out and doing the stuff I need to do for me.

Yellow1949 · 26/07/2020 21:30

Loving this thread. Even DH said ‘a MN post where the advice isn’t LTB?’. 😂. DH and I don’t have much in common, but I got home from work this evening, made a face through the window at him and got a hug and a kiss at the front door. He’s not coming camping next week......but I suspect he’ll enjoy having the house to himself.

speakout · 26/07/2020 21:34

Relationships exist on many levels. And can work for many reasons. There is no one structure that defines that- and how couples co exist varies enormously.
If one want to watch TV while the other wants to run/play violin/sleep/sing in a choir/ then that is fine, as long as both are happy.

I have had several good long term relationships in my life, some have worked because of a mutual interest, some have worked because of an electric sexual chemistry, some because of a good sense of shared altruism or sense of humour.

What attracted you and your OH together initially OP?

jolokoy · 26/07/2020 21:35

I would think carefully and talk to him.

I have left my wonderful husband, for a different and sadder reason, and it has destroyed me.

Aridane · 26/07/2020 21:38

There must be some drip feed coming

Original poster

Betterlookinglover · 26/07/2020 21:41

Thanks really appreciate all your replies. I've built a life without my husband, I've been all over the world with my kids and my friends, he has always encouraged me to do so. He has always encouraged me to spread my wings but does not want to fly with me. In the beginning it was liberating but now I just want someone by my side.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 26/07/2020 21:48

You may never find someone to be by your side though!

JinglingHellsBells · 26/07/2020 21:50

Why did you marry him?

Surely this 'incompatibility' was obvious from the start?

I don't think you are telling us the whole story.

One partner enjoying travel and the other not, is hardly a reason to end a long marriage.

Is there someone else already? A flirtation?

Pebblexox · 26/07/2020 22:00

Dh and I have widely different interests. He likes playing on his xbox, watching the football, going to the pub with the boys. Whereas I love the theatre, nights with wine and cheese and soppy films, weekends away etc. I do all those things with my girls, and he does it with his boys. Then we come home to each other at the end of the day. We do of course do some things together, like film nights, date nights holidays etc.
If you do everything together, what do you have to talk about over dinner? Honestly I think you're possibly going through a bit of a redundant phase, and it's so common for parents when their children start fleeing the nest. Talk to your husband, see if there are any compromises you can make. I think you'd be silly to throw away what seems a happy marriage over something that obviously isn't a new thing.

JinglingHellsBells · 26/07/2020 22:02

Did you never do anything as a couple when your children were younger?

I can't understand how this issue has suddenly hit you now.

Either you have been in denial for years and biding your time, or something else is going on.

Do you still have a physical relationship?

Original poster

Betterlookinglover · 26/07/2020 22:12

No drip feed, definitely no one has turned me. The incompatibility was probably hid from me by infatuation. On paper he is everything I could ever want, I fell in love with him as he seem sophisticated he offered everything I thought I wanted. I've told him how I feel and he doesn't understand. He wants me to live and explore without him.

OP posts:

JinglingHellsBells · 26/07/2020 22:17

I don't really understand your feelings.

On the one hand you say you were infatuated and that was because he seemed sophisticated, but on the other you say he will find someone else and you will regret leaving him.

Is he older than you, from a different background maybe?

If you did leave, how would you manage financially?

Do you work? You've not mentioned a job at all. Would your children live with you or him?

I feel you have not really thought it all through.

minipie · 26/07/2020 22:20

Why do you think you want such different things?

Does he work a lot more than you and therefore wants to just flop, whereas you work less so have more energy to go places? Apologies if I am barking up a gumtree.

Lovingyou · 26/07/2020 22:21

My marriage to the person I thought I was most compatible with ended 4 years ago. We had a lot in common - enjoyed reading similar books, cultural holidays and had similar outlook on life. I was miserable though because our personalities didn't blend well together. Now I have someone who in theory I shouldn't be compatible with - he had a really difficult start in life (my life has been quite easy), he's smart but doesn't really read books, when he goes on holiday he likes to be by the pool and our politics is very different. BUT we get on really well on an everyday level and there's no friction. I think my point is that Mr Compatibility isn't always Mr Right.

Russellbrandshair · 26/07/2020 22:27

If you leave him, I’m curious how you’ll find a guy with the exact same interests as you. Will you join interest groups in the hope of finding someone similar there or are you just going to date a lot in the hope that one of them will coincidentally like the same things? It’s just that you seem to have very specific criteria. I’m wondering how you’ll find that

Original poster

Betterlookinglover · 26/07/2020 22:29

To pp yes I can am do things by myself but I am so lonely. I lay in bed with him but the gulf between us seems insurmountable.
Lovemusic33 that's its, we've been together for so long it will hurt to see him with some else, especially as they will be better than me and better than I will ever meet. That sounds so horrible and selfish.

OP posts:

Hillcrofta · 26/07/2020 22:29

I understand how you feel but if you know you’ll regret it please don’t do anything before speaking to him.
I’ve been in a similar situation before, bit the bullet and bitterly regretted it after. He took me back but things were never the same and we ended up splitting again.

Original poster

Betterlookinglover · 26/07/2020 22:32

Russellbrandshair I don't think I will but sharing a life results in compromise. But I no longer seem to get any benefits so may as well be alone.

OP posts:

stretchedmarks · 26/07/2020 22:34

Is there any chance you might have feelings for someone else? You might not even realise it yet, but is there anyone you're excited to spend time with at work or a club, for example? Who's texts you particularly look forward to?

Sometimes this can make your dependable, yet 'boring', husband be much less attractive than he was to you before.

I know you haven't mentioned anyone, and I'm absolutely not saying you're cheating or anything like that, but it could be something to think about.

BranchedOut · 26/07/2020 22:35

I kind of feel the same but I'm not ending my marriage - I know too many people who have done it & regretted it. I suppose I love him but I'm not in love with him.

We don't have much in common and yes, it's irritating sometimes when he's off on another bloody hobby trip and I'm left to my own devices but I remind myself that I could have a marriage like my MIL and have him under my feet all the time...

Besides my life is quite comfortable and we don't have a physical relationship, so a win win for me.

If I were you, I'd think it through very carefully.

SusieOwl4 · 26/07/2020 22:36

Why won’t he compromise and do some travel with you ? What are his reasons ?

Russellbrandshair · 26/07/2020 22:38

OP I just posted this on another thread but it’s relevant here too:

OP there is an excellent book by Mira Kirschenbaum called “too good to leave, too bad to stay”. It poses several fundamental questions about your partner/relationship that really help crystallise whether the relationship is healthy and worth saving or if there are fundamental problems that will never be fixed. I know you have a lot on your plate right now but if you need some guidance about whether to stay in your relationship this book gives very sound, wise advice. 🌹

Josette77 · 26/07/2020 22:40

I think you are looking for someone to make you happy. Other than you wanting to travel and him not why are you so lonely?

Do you have good friends to travel with? Are you lonely with them?

Qz · 26/07/2020 22:41

I think I understand how you feel. I get on with my husband very well, but he doesn't want to do things with me, and we have virtually no common interests.
It means I no longer want to spend time with him.
There is no intimacy whatsoever left between us.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread