To leave my husband when I know I will regret it

[Betterlookinglover]

My husband is very good looking, kind and generous to a fault. Even looking back I have been punching above my weight, that's not me being negative it's just a fact. He loves me, would not see this coming. He is kind. But he is not interested in anything I am. This wasn't a problem when the children were small and we were tied to the house but now they have left/getting ready to leave I just feel so lost. I want to live, he wants to watch TV. I know he will easily find a girlfriend, I know I will be jealous but equally I can't live like this

If you would be jealous then it sounds like you are still attracted to him? No?

Why do you have to split up just because you want to do more activities than him? I don't really get it

What is it you want to do? Travel? Go with friends/family/alone.
Education? Go for it.
New Career/Business. Great stuff - why does he have to part of it?

I ended my marriage even though my DH was was incredibly kind, respectful and generous. Attractive too.

I was unhappy. It's been hard but I don't regret it as yet. It's been 12 years.

I wouldn’t say you were ‘punching above your weight’ at all if his idea of the best things in life is watching tv all the time?

Please leave,he deserves to know the truth.

It's very possible to have a marriage and not do everything together.

Go and do the things you want to do. Perhaps once he sees you venturing out doing thing he may decide to join you. People get set in their ways, but this can change.

I am divorced, and I wouldn't divorce my partner for this reason. Unless there are other things you havent mentioned.

Most strong marriages contain 2 individuals with different interests rather than 2 clones.

My OH did not like lots of things that I liked - so I did some things on my own, and some with him. No problem. You both need space.

I wouldn't be hasty, especially at a time when your dc are becoming adults etc and things are changing. I say becoming adults rather than moving out because they way things have been going for a while now, they may be back before you know it, but will be independent.

Are you certain you need to do these things with your husband? You can't enjoy the freedom to travel or explore new interests alone or meeting new friends? After all, that is what you will be doing if you leave.

You say he loves you and and is kind to you, do you love him? If you do, that is a huge amount to cast aside. Don't assume you will find it again. You may, but be ready not to. And be ready to see him with a new partner, perhaps even being jolted by that life change into doing the kinds of things you wish he would do now.

Talk to him, really communicate and see if he would join in some of your plans. Until you do things you don't know how you will respond, he might take to it more than you! If it weren't for the stupid virus I would say plan a trip together, but maybe you could talk about a big trip for a time in the future?

If you really don't love him though, let him go and meet someone who will.

I must admit I feel a bit like you. Similar time of life. Dh annoying me and boring me, but I really think we’re in very unsettled times so I’d wait until things get back to normal, because if he’s your friend you may not need to leave him to have a varied and fulfilled life, just do it with your friends, other family or by yourself! It’s frustrating to have a partner like that but there’s swings and roundabouts to every situation and as a pp said, the grass isn’t always greener. If he realises how you feel , you may be able to sort some sort of compromise.

I would think very carefully before leaving a man you describe as kind and generous. The grass is not always greener.

You need a serious conversation. Can you compromise? Does he want to watch tv rather than eat out, go to concerts, have days out? Or is it more that you want more holidays and travel now the kids are grown up?

I agree with lots of posters here - you can do those things with family and friends too, I think that’s healthy. If he is boring and only wants to stay in and won’t go anywhere or try anything new that’s more of a problem.

I think leaving at this stage is a bit drastic! Marriage is often about compromise and it is easy to get lost in mum and dad mode when your children are little.

Have you suggested doing things together? Dh and I have widely different tastes in food, music, travel, tv and manage to compromise. We do a mix of things he likes: watch cricket, hike the coastal path trails, go to jazz gigs and a mix of stuff that I like: live theatre, running half marathons and quirky bookshops. For holidays we take it in turns to choose something or sometimes holiday alone or with friends.

There’s no reason why you can’t do your own thing too if he wants to stay in

If your children are leaving home it's a natural time for changes in your relationship - you will both have got in a rut dealing with family stuff. Build up your own interests - you don't have to be joined at the hip for a marriage to work - and encourage him to indulge some of his own interests; he's probably also just stuck in a rut.

If the marriage is essentially good then I wouldn't just junk it - several of my friends have done this at 50+ and have regretted it later on.

What's stopping you from doing the things you enjoy? My DH and I have very separate interests/hobbies and friends - he spent the day cycling and playing golf; I spent the day doing a volunteer role and we then shared a nice meal and a glass of wine this evening and talked over our day. We rarely do anything together apart from walking, including separate holidays, suits us .

Other people have mentioned it, but my first thought reading your post was 'sounds like a mid-life crisis.' Not having similar interests is not a reason to throw away a decent marriage and partnership, if you're happy in other areas and can support one another in your own pastimes and activities. And it's not reasonable to write off his future as 'easily finding a new girlfriend'. He might well be devastated to hear you say these things. Maybe look into counselling on an individual and maybe a joint basis, before behaving rashly and making decisions you might regret in a few years time.

I have travelled the world, lived on four continents, hitchhiked to India and backpacked in South America when I was young -- my husband, when we married, had not even once sat in a plane and was terrified to do so! We had totally different interests. Possibly he loved me more than I loved him, and he was a thoroughly good man, and that's why, even though I found him slightly boring (his favourite evening was sitting in front of the TV with a beer!) I stayed loyal and as loving as I could be. He never held me back, even though I sometimes went away for weeks, and he was lonely.
Then he got ill and died. I was his carer for years and I literally could not go anywhere, unless our (grown) kids helped out. And then he died, and I miss him desperately.
You will find your solution, but good man is hard to find and you probably WILL regret it if you leave him.
It would have broken my husband's heart if I left him. I would never do that.

I’m sorry but if you are expecting to meet a guy who meets ALL of your needs you will be forever single. How many married couples have every single interest or hobby in common? Why can’t you compromise and spend 3 nights a week in watching tv and fri and sat nights out? You cannot expect one person to fulfil your every life need. That’s way too much pressure on a person.

I think you will regret it if you go. What if you don’t find any man who likes the exact same things you do? Or, you find him but he’s. or kind or attractive?

Have you tried a serious very honest conversation with him about where you are at in your life and how close to leaving him you are? Also have you asked him to go for marriage counselling together with you?
Leaving based on just the reasons you have stated seems dramatic and risky. You could work together to improve your life and future together.
Without knowing you as a person or as a couple and just based on what you have written I would say it is pretty horrible to leave your husband without explaining your problems with the marriage and giving him a chance to decide if he wants to change and work with you for a mutually fulfilling future or if he is happy for your marriage to end.

Get counselling! It’s expensive and you probably need to wait in a queue but it is cheaper and quicker than a divorce - and there is still a lot going for this.

What is his attitude like to you doing your own thing? Is he respectful of your interests and willing to support you in them, listen to you talk about them etc.

If he's positive and engaged but just not interested himself, I would say think carefully, and maybe see if you can't meet in the middle somewhere.

If he's disrespectful of your interests, can't be arsed to listen/engage with anything you're interested in and unwilling to make and effort, or tries to stop you doing things - absolutely cut your losses.

THis sounds like a lack of investment in yourself TBH.

If you have relied on kids to provide your identity and interest and they are now leaving then you can't expect to suddenly expect your OH to fill the gaps.
You need a love affair with yourself.
And that can happen while you remain happily married.
Relationships can exist in many forms.
OH and I have very little in common.
We dislike each other's musical tastes, I am a scientist, he loves politics and history. I love plants and gardening, he has zero interest.
But we connect on an emotional level.
And it works.

Surely you share some interests? Why did you get married if you have nothing in common?

Good grief woman, before you throw the towel give it a go at saving/reviving the relationship. You need to evaluate (together) where you are at the moment, make new plans for this new time without kids, and then, part with each other if you don’t get to an agreement.

Honestly, finding someone with multiple shared interests after 40s is like hitting the jack pot (it can happen but is rare) unless you are good at embracing other people’s hobbies and interests) you may find out after a few years that nobody is as compatible as your current other half.

Believe me, he will get away from the TV for a woman and embrace a more active life for her, if you care for him, it better be you than someone else.

Honestly, finding someone with multiple shared interests after 40s is like hitting the jack pot (it can happen but is rare) unless you are good at embracing other people’s hobbies and interests) you may find out after a few years that nobody is as compatible as your current other half

Exactly. It’s like looking for an eyelash in a bucket of diarrhoea. Imagine you never find this mythical perfect man. Meanwhile your lovely ex meets a gorgeous woman and you then see them out and about in town together all loved up.

That’s going to suck.

If he loves you, is he willing to see you walk away and not try to make this work?

Have you given him the chance?

It's a bit odd that your post starts with how good looking he is and how you feel 'inferior'. How does that matter? It's his personality that counts.

What attracted you to him in the first place?
Lust? His looks?
Why did you marry him?

Or did you do things together then?

I doubt he will find a girlfriend as easily as you think if he's as boring as hell and watching TV all the time.

Why would they want him and not you?

He likes to watch TV and you want to do more exciting things so you're leaving him?

Don't you have the confidence to do the exciting things on your own?