To wonder why my DM has to dominate every single conversation she has?

[Rhine]

Just that really.

I’ve known for a while now that my DM is difficult, emotionally very immature and self absorbed. I know I have to accept her as she is because she will never change. What absolutely drives me barmy whenever I’m in her company is how she has to dominate every single conversation, and when she’s in a group she’s even worse! She cannot sit back and let a conversation flow naturally, she had to take over all the bloody time!

Case in point. Yesterday afternoon I was sat in my parents back garden with DB and DSIL (socially distanced obviously). They were talking about a break they’d been on recently and what it was like with regards to the rules etc and DM kept randomly interrupting with her own experiences (she’s not been away since before fucking Covid even happened!), talking over us and kept bringing everything back to herself. At one point she even interjected about how she was getting her nails done on Wednesday, which had absolutely no relevance to what we were talking about! All of this in her sing song, performance ‘look at me!’ voices which is totally different to her regular voice.

I noticed when she wasn’t talking she wasn’t really actually listening and her eyes had a glazed look. She does this a lot because she really isn’t interested in anyone other than herself.

Why can she not just sit back and listen?!

Is she going deaf? Sometimes people who are loosing their hearing start random conversations as they can't hear what's being said

I had wondered that, and have actually asked her recently if he hearing is going and she said no.

Has she always been like it or got worse?
I have elderly relatives like this, they've got worse with age I'm afraid...

My daughter does this (even down to the special voice) she is on the autistic spectrum.

I had wondered that, and have actually asked her recently if he hearing is going and she said no.
She probably thought you asked her if she wanted a cheese sandwich

Some people are just like that. I have a friend like it, she’s like it even online (I stopped mentioning anything on a group chat because it would always be twisted round to her - definite case of Elevenerife!) and I’m much happier since I distanced myself, it was exhausting.

My group of friends and I are all autistic and/or ADHD, including her, but she’s the only one like it. I really don’t know where the behaviour comes from.

My mother is the same, if things aren’t about her she’s not interested, and will try to steer the conversation back to her.
She always like to talk about arguments she has with strangers, in which she aways comes out looking wonderful, and the stranger just accepts her shouting at/chastising them by being silent and leaving. I know that the stranger in question probably didn’t just let it go, or it never happened isn’t he first place, she just needs a way to grab more attention.

It’s tiring, and the main reason why we try to avoid her as much as possible, without causing too many hurt feelings.

@TimeWastingButFun

I had wondered that, and have actually asked her recently if he hearing is going and she said no. She probably thought you asked her if she wanted a cheese sandwich

🤣🤣🤣

This is a complicated question - She does not need talking therapy - she needs "overtalking therapy". Basically it is a "bad habit" probably caused by childhood neglect where she was never listened to and did not learn the cues that people use to determine whose turn it is to speak. Some cultures tolerate everyone talking at once and whilst it is very selfish behaviour selfishness is not really the motivator - in fact she may feel "obliged" to be entertaining.

An extrovert has a rush of adrenaline when others are present and find it hard to "calmly listen".

It is a very hard habit to change as it is so painful to accept as a problem.

My DM does this to the point where she'll ask you how you are because she feels she has to but then makes fake noises like she's listening before returning to going on about everything that's going on in her life as soon as possible. And I know she's not listening because my DF will tell her something that I'm doing and she'll bitch and whinge that I haven't told her directly. But I have, she just wasn't listening.

And it's nothing to do with age or memory because she's been like this my whole life. She just isn't interested in me.

And she wonders why I don't call her more often.

Well it's funny because my partner reckons everyone is a bit like this,not bothered what anyone else has to say, just waiting for the next chance to speak themselves, I don't necessarily agree with that though.
My mum is like this, she has to talk louder than everyone else, she has her moments where she really listens and offers good advice but after so long is back to doing as your mum does! It can be frustrating.

Yes, when I think back she has always been like this. It’s definitely not an age thing, and she’s not even that old anyway. Yes her voice is always louder than everyone else, she will also tell ‘funny’ stories that she passes off her own when actually they happened to other people. This is not just in family situations, she is like it all the time in a group. Talk, talk look at me. It’s exhausting.

I hate that I am a serious offender - and it is NOT that I am not interested - some of it is a pathetic lack of self control. Some of it is that I have a perpetual filter when listening to people which is checking whether i am being told about a problem which i am required to come up with a solution to - if not I find I automatically switch off.

Onw way to start to train someone out of this bad behaviour is to look away when they speak out of turn. At least it makes it fun!!!!

Some people feel a strange sense of responsibility when in company - that they have to make sure everyone is entertained, so may go into ovderdrive unnecessarily, to the actual exclusion of anyone else being able to have a conversation. Or she could just be a total narcissist who is not interested in anyone but herself.
Sorry not to be more helpful, but you have my sympathies.

My husband does this, continuously brings any conversation back to himself and what he would/did do.
I know why he does it (had a bad childhood, quite neglectful etc) and is constantly trying to "big" himself up or fish for compliments as these were few and far between for him growing up.
It is, however, absolutely infuriating to have to deal with him on a day to day basis!

My mum is the same, I don’t think it is attention seeking more that she lives with my dad and is retired so has a limited social circle, so when she has an audience she likes to talk.

I give up trying to tell her anything as everything gets turned around to her. We had just come back from holiday and it was the first time that DD had flown that she was old enough to remember and talk about (was a couple of years ago), DD was telling my mum about the plane and as soon as DD had said her first sentence my mum had then launched into a blow by blow account of her weekend away in her caravan. She never asked a question about our holiday, but by God we knew every detail about her 2 days away.

Even when me and DP went through a bad patch and were looking at splitting up and I was sat on her sofa crying she would turn the conversation round to a blow by blow account of her latest dog walk, how many dogs she saw, what breeds they are, the street she and my dad had walked down which dogs barked at their gate, what their dog did ....... it was enough to make me want to jump off a bridge.

I have this with my mum - goes into all the details of her own holidays (including photos) no questions about your holiday or anything else. I wonder what she’s like with her social group!

My DM also had quite a difficult childhood in what I think was a toxic house hold. So I suppose it could be quite relevant. She tries to big herself up as well, for example a neighbour told her they were thinking of building an outbuilding in their garden so their daughter could do hairdressing for client and DM went off on a tangent telling them they should go and speak to her friend who lives on such and such street who also has a little shop in their garden doing hair. The neighbours don’t even know these people, I think really she just wanted to boast that she knew someone who could help.

It’s draining.

I know lots of people like this! Ex colleagues, current colleagues, family members, friends the list is endless. ' let's talk about me and my experiences , as it's far more important than anything you might want to talk about'
A few people I know are great and the conversation flows . I chat a bit, they chat a bit and we listen to each other.
People talking over others is rude and entitled but seems to just go on all the blooming time! I've let friendships drop off because of it. It winds me up so much!

Are you my sister?

Some people are like dripping taps with the talking ! Can't stand a silence, have to tell the same old boring stories we've heard million times before only interested in their own children / grandchildren and generally just a bit of a pain!
Unless someone tells them ( I'm a coward and wouldn't say anything only on this forum ) they will never change!

I'm like this and I know it's not great. I am always forcing myself to STFU.
People seem to like me though so hopefully what I go on about isn't too dull!

And in fact that post is an example

I don't know why she do does it op and I doubt she will change. The looking away trick mentioned upthread might be worth a try?

OP, it is exhausting. My mum is the exact same.

My husband was telling her something this week and she wouldn’t let him finish speaking and kept interrupting about something similar that happened to her friend. She then asked me a question and as I opened my mouth to answer she just kept talking.

I once counted the amount of words I said during a 20 odd minute telephone call - 6! 6 words!

She has always been like this but is definitely getting worse.

My ex-MIL is the same.

She's one of the reasons I'm divorced