To wonder why my DM has to dominate every single conversation she has?

[Rhine]

Just that really.

I’ve known for a while now that my DM is difficult, emotionally very immature and self absorbed. I know I have to accept her as she is because she will never change. What absolutely drives me barmy whenever I’m in her company is how she has to dominate every single conversation, and when she’s in a group she’s even worse! She cannot sit back and let a conversation flow naturally, she had to take over all the bloody time!

Case in point. Yesterday afternoon I was sat in my parents back garden with DB and DSIL (socially distanced obviously). They were talking about a break they’d been on recently and what it was like with regards to the rules etc and DM kept randomly interrupting with her own experiences (she’s not been away since before fucking Covid even happened!), talking over us and kept bringing everything back to herself. At one point she even interjected about how she was getting her nails done on Wednesday, which had absolutely no relevance to what we were talking about! All of this in her sing song, performance ‘look at me!’ voices which is totally different to her regular voice.

I noticed when she wasn’t talking she wasn’t really actually listening and her eyes had a glazed look. She does this a lot because she really isn’t interested in anyone other than herself.

Why can she not just sit back and listen?!

I think you're probably on the right lines with narc traits. MIL does this and FIL enables it. They are like school children clamouring to tell you something that happened. Usually its to either put them in a very good light (generally bragging about finances or how much jewellery they have) or to make them the victim (describing how relatives have offended them by having the audacity to live their own lives). They will cut across conversations that have literally nothing to do with what they want to say and often quite inappropriate and thoughtless. For example, teen DSS lives in a not great area with his mum and as much as DH supports him, his mum refuses to work more than a few hours so they have little spending money. PiL start going on about high value jewellery and having several hundreds of thousands of pounds in savings. Now fair enough to them but probably not great to brag about it in front of DSS or cut across a conversation I was having with him about a science exam

The people I know who do this haven't been neglected - they've been overindulged by parents who have taught them that anything and everything they say is fascinating and who have stopped any adult conversations they've been having to let their prodigal child speak, and so they've grown up thinking that they are genuinely more interesting than others. This doesn't sound like your mother though.

I've fallen out with a friend who's like this because I simply can't tolerate it any more.

Any conversation, any, has to come back to her. And the exaggerating, omg the exaggerating. All in the name of bigging herself up. Absolutely painful to watch her meeting someone for the first time. Has a high turnover of friends.

Anyway, in the last couple of years I've developed better boundaries. And as a consequence I'm just not prepared to listen to it any more.

My DM definitely wasn’t overindulged. Far from it from what I can gather.

But realistically, @ruthieness, outside the workplace and in general conversation, people telling you something are almost never asking you to come up with a solution to a problem. They're telling you something because they want to share something that happened, and all they really want to know is that you're listening and engaged.
@SrMichael
You are right - I pretty much "hear" everything as a request for help or an explanation or a solution when in fact as you say they are just sharing. Interesting!!

No my mams is not anxiety its just being very spoilt. If she decides say you want to call no night will suit her. Too much spare time aswell late 70s.

I’m a real over talker. I’m very aware of it now and control it so much better than I did- I’m not making excuses for myself but I had a horribly neglectful childhood. I am also a perpetual people pleaser. I have a lot of work to do on myself. I do have lots of friends though and people seem to like me.
My dm is like yours but I’d a heavy drinker and rambles on about bullshit and keeps repeating herself. It’s so draining. I tend to ignore her tbh but if someone interrupts she won’t take the cues and says stuff like ‘excuse me AS I was saying’ or ‘before Karen interrupted me I was telling you about...’. Oddly she’s really socially inept and awkward in other situations but feels myself and my brother and sister want to listen to her crap

I am now going to over talk everyone on this thread with my experiences and advice!!
Not that I am willing to take my own advice.......

Pepperpot - a game for children and overtalkers - only the person holding the pepperpot is allowed to speak - all others must be silent.

Spoons! For people trying to change their own bad habits - pick up an item - like a spoon - then put it down but set yourself the rule of only speaking when you have picked it up again and are holding it in your hand - this stops you blurting out whatever is in your head! There is a nano second of delay in which you can decide if what you are thinking needs to be said. It is more difficult that it looks!

Maybe big talkers are very insecure? They cover it all up by talking non stop ? I've no idea really : people with mental health issues sometimes just talk and talk but I appreciate that this isn't everyone and it's not always MH issues that can cause this.

I ve only ever come across three men that are non stop talkers : mostly it's the women that are the worst for not listening or turning it back to them all the time or just dominating the whole conversation. To meet someone who listens and pauses and asks questions is a rare thing.
The spoon idea is a good one! I know sometimes I can waffle on a bit if I feel uncomfortable or someone is making me feel a bit out of sorts. I'm not perfect , but I do try to listen to others and let them talk .. there
has to be some kind of level playing field I think.
I live with three men ( dh and two sons) Two dont really talk at all and one likes a bit of a chat ! Which is nice but he isn't a big talker. Just more than the other two do!

Maybe this why I find ' women ' conversation a bit hard going as I'm not really used to it! 😀
It's a fascinating subject.

Pepperpot - a game for children and overtalkers - only the person holding the pepperpot is allowed to speak - all others must be silent

We had to introduce this at the club committee meetings as people would just constantly interrupt and talk ever louder over each other then deny they were told things.

Once we did this suddenly meetings finished on time, never overran and we actually achieved what we had set out to do with everyone knowing what was expected of them.

Odd that.

@LaneBoy

Some people are just like that. I have a friend like it, she’s like it even online (I stopped mentioning anything on a group chat because it would always be twisted round to her - definite case of Elevenerife!) and I’m much happier since I distanced myself, it was exhausting.

My group of friends and I are all autistic and/or ADHD, including her, but she’s the only one like it. I really don’t know where the behaviour comes from.

This is not very kind of you. Especially as you know she’s Austistic and/or ADHD. I think you should be more understanding of your friend. She’s obviously on a slightly more severe spectrum than the rest of the group. Maybe politely make her aware she does this, so she can try work on it?

Sounds like my mum. One time I made the mistake of going on a coach holiday to Switzerland with her. The holiday was fabulous but she did not stop talking all the time, I was desperate for it to end.
On the last day we got on the coach at 2pm to head home and at 10pm she was still talking. The only respite I got was hiding in the toilets on our comfort breaks.
Eventually I was so annoyed I told her to stfu. She gasped, looked horrified and stopped talking for a whole one minute, 20 seconds (yes I timed it).
Never again!

Same problem here with my mother, always been the same and getting much worse.
I read up about 'thought verbalisers' and this is her to a T.
Every thought that comes in to her head she has to verbalise. Dominates every conversation, randomly goes off in different directions within conversations which makes my head spin.
Worse when there is a group of us as she does not like it when we try to change the conversation or try to talk amongst ourselves.

My DM is the same. I am going through a huge life-altering situation at the moment but had to sit and listen to her talking about something a work friend's son did or didn't do. I have no idea who he is and they are not relevant in any way to mine or my DM's life. It was ridiculous. Finally just as she was about to leave, she quickly asked how everything is with my situation - literally as she was going out of the front door when I barely had 30 seconds to speak. I've spoken to her about it in the past but she denies she does it. If I ever do get the chance to speak, she'll talk over me and try to interrupt any second she can with irrelevant chatter. I have to continue my sentence just getting louder, talking over her until I've finished what I wanted to say. And even then she won't acknowledge what I've said, but will just repeat herself. It's infuriating. It seems really common from all the pp here! I don't know any of my own age friends/family who do this

@Fairyliz I know it the wasn't funny at the time but am imagining the trip being made into a deadpan comedy film 🤣

My mum is a textbook narcissist and she does this. She glazes over when conversation isn’t about her, turns everything back to her and is only happy when she is crowing about herself. The interjecting with random irrelevant details is so her, too.

After years of hard work I recently started a PhD. I was so proud of myself and felt so lucky to be chosen for the scholarship - it’s everything I’ve worked for since 2014. I texted her about how much I was enjoying it and she replied by telling me about her new shorts

The worst (and one thing DH has never forgiven her for) was when my MIL was dying. She died after a short but terrible illness, DH was only 27 and he was devastated. We had lunch with my parents and my dad asked about MIL. DH was in the middle of speaking about how unwell she was, he was visibly upset, and my mum cut him off mid-sentence to ask my dad something really mundane. That moment really showed me that she doesn’t give a fuck about anyone else.

She’s exhausting.

My partner is terrible in group situations. I feel embarrassed because he is so chilled out when it's just us and have normal conversations.

When around anyone he actually shouts so he's heard, but in like a very excited way? Like hes so desperate to say what he has to say? I do find it embarrassing because he wont stop till hes got the whole sentence out but hes so lovely I'm wondering if he could be slight ADHD.

I don't want to say anything to him because I don't want to ruin his confidence or suppress him. But yeah irritating.

Is that similar to your mother or is she more dominant ?

She's a bit more polite than my mother, who will say "I don't care" or "I'm not interested" if I tell her anything about my life and then use the shocked silence to begin a story about herself. Everything in the history of the World is about her and Heaven help anyone who forgets this!

It actually doesn't upset me any more, because I haven't spoken to her in over a year.

My MIL was exactly like that. A mix of being old, a bit deaf, no social skills and rude I think. Drove me crazy.

My late FIL was just like this. I think he's from the over-indulged end of the spectrum, desperate to impress others, and narcissistic too.
When I would overhear conversations with other people, I realised that at least half of what he said was over exaggerated if not utter bollocks.
I adopted the basic yet classic 'smile & nod' strategy. He never changed. It was exhausting, so we had to cope by limiting our own frustrations.
Ignore ignore ignore.
And offer lots of cups of tea. It gives you an excuse to leave the room. My BiL made him 12 cups of tea one visit, was a record.

My late mil would also say ' I'm not interested' if we told her anything she wasn't really interested in , or not about her!
The word narcissist is bounded around a lot lately but she was really was one.
It is sad that some people can be like this.

*Pepperpot - a game for children and overtalkers - only the person holding the pepperpot is allowed to speak - all others must be silent.

We had to introduce this at the club committee meetings as people would just constantly interrupt and talk ever louder over each other then deny they were told things*

That did make me laugh. It reminded me of Ab Fab's Edina at the retreat where she kept grabbing at the 'Talking Stick'.

I'm lucky enough to have both friends and family like this. I just smile and nod / sing happy music in my head while gritting my teeth / avoid but I've never been able to work out why they're like this. Fascinating thread.

There are so many posters with this! Is it a generational thing? Am I going to hit my DM's age and suddenly start overtaking every single convo?

I have realised from reading some pp here that DM is also always the 'star' of her stories, and they tend to revolve around someone complimenting her for something. And the tales always seem exaggerated and overly long and detailed for no reason other than to dominate the conversation. I'm off to look up narcissistic parents!

Well, ok then, don't bold my message!

Just carry on talking when she butts in. My granny is shocking for this. So one time we just carried on and ignored what she was saying and she ended up shouting ‘let me speak’!