To wonder why my DM has to dominate every single conversation she has?

[Rhine]

Just that really.

I’ve known for a while now that my DM is difficult, emotionally very immature and self absorbed. I know I have to accept her as she is because she will never change. What absolutely drives me barmy whenever I’m in her company is how she has to dominate every single conversation, and when she’s in a group she’s even worse! She cannot sit back and let a conversation flow naturally, she had to take over all the bloody time!

Case in point. Yesterday afternoon I was sat in my parents back garden with DB and DSIL (socially distanced obviously). They were talking about a break they’d been on recently and what it was like with regards to the rules etc and DM kept randomly interrupting with her own experiences (she’s not been away since before fucking Covid even happened!), talking over us and kept bringing everything back to herself. At one point she even interjected about how she was getting her nails done on Wednesday, which had absolutely no relevance to what we were talking about! All of this in her sing song, performance ‘look at me!’ voices which is totally different to her regular voice.

I noticed when she wasn’t talking she wasn’t really actually listening and her eyes had a glazed look. She does this a lot because she really isn’t interested in anyone other than herself.

Why can she not just sit back and listen?!

The people who do this themselves, do you ever wonder whether you might have adhd?

Oooooh I know people like this...especially the hilarious stories which didn't really happen. I do think it comes from a place of needing to be entertaining and having a laugh all the time. It is draining though. My siblings are a bit like this and yes, they are very entertaining and funny, but I do find it a bit much. They think I'm soooooo boring by comparison, but meh. Different strokes etc.

I think some people struggle with listening, digesting, reacting.... it takes a kind of relaxed attention they arent capable of because they arent relaxed letting conversation flow, they control it so that other people react to them. That is easier than listening and responding appropriately.

@DameCelia, one of my siblings believes they have ADHD, (not diagnosed, but discussed with a psychiatrist who is a family friend and the psych thought yes, possibly).

It depends on the person talking though.
Some people can chat a lot, but also know when to be quiet and listen and let things flow along amicably so you all get a chance to say your bit!
Some just can't do this and it does become all about them or they over talk someone's conversation. That's a terrible habit to break.

@ShinyFootball

I'm like this and I know it's not great. I am always forcing myself to STFU. People seem to like me though so hopefully what I go on about isn't too dull!

Are you really like this though? Am asking because you seem very self aware, and my DM most definitely isn’t. In fact she’s probably the least self aware person I know, and I think that’s why she does it. She doesn’t know she does it, and in all honestly I don’t she even cares that she’s annoying people.

I have social anxiety I sadly I'm very much like this when I feel uncomfortable, which is pretty much any social situation involving anyone outside my immediate household.

I'm acutely aware I need to shut up by the diatribe continues regardless. It's excruciatingly embarrassing and even I dislike myself, so tend to avoid these situations where possible.

It's bloody miserable, because I'm really not like that normally. I conduct most of my relationships from a distance.

My late mil hated anyone who was the ' strong silent' type but she rarely let anyone else speak! If they did speak and she didn't agree with them then she would just become offended!
She was a text book narc though : my way or the highway! We never did get on that well!

The ones that are not self aware are the absolute worst! They just don't pick up on anything. They believe they are in the right and that's that!
Hard work!

@The80sweregreat

It depends on the person talking though. Some people can chat a lot, but also know when to be quiet and listen and let things flow along amicably so you all get a chance to say your bit! Some just can't do this and it does become all about them or they over talk someone's conversation. That's a terrible habit to break.

I get what you mean about chatty people, but this isn’t chatty. My DB is very chatty and sociable but still listens to other people and doesn’t go off on a tangent talking over other people or talking about himself.

I really don’t think my DM is interested in other people, even when I’m alone with her she has to bring everything back to herself. You can’t have a deep intelligent conversation with her, because everything is about her all the time.

@amusedtodeath1

I have social anxiety I sadly I'm very much like this when I feel uncomfortable, which is pretty much any social situation involving anyone outside my immediate household.

I'm acutely aware I need to shut up by the diatribe continues regardless. It's excruciatingly embarrassing and even I dislike myself, so tend to avoid these situations where possible.

It's bloody miserable, because I'm really not like that normally. I conduct most of my relationships from a distance.

Is it the reacting appropriately that makes you nervous. That your reactions will be mistimed or wrong??

There are a lot of people like this. I think "calm down, listen, say something in response to what's been said", but clearly some people find anxiety blocks the two way flow of a relaxed exchange.

Rhine, I totally understand about your mum!
I know someone who is the same ; can bring any conversation back to her at any time. Every single time!
I hear your frustration. Unless you tell her I'm not sure what you can do really?
It isn't easy.

My BIL is a bit like this. He doesn't always bring it back to him, but he just doesn't listen at all. When you talk to him it's like he desperate for you to finish so he can speak. He frequently lectures me on my area of work, even though he knows little about it and I've been doing it for 15 years. Tbh I've given up having any kind of conversation with him now, I just let him talk and think about something else, he doesn't notice

My FIL is like this. He can't wait for you to get to the end of your sentence so he can tell you that something similar happened to him or he has been to wherever you're talking about or has done something similar. With him, it's not an age or hearing thing - he's always been like this - the world revolves around him 🙄
Absolutely exhausting!

MIL is not much better, asks you a question and doesn't bother to listen to your reply

@WinnieLowCo

Very much so, I'm so anxious about getting it wrong socially (because realistically that's my experience), that it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

I come from a family full of problems some nature, some nurture and have a feeling I might be on the spectrum. I have PTSD, but was always "different" even before that. (Sorry if talking too much, thinking about it now you see, sooo frustrating).

I can’t imagine it would go down very well if I did tell her. She doesn’t handle criticism very well and becomes very, very defensive. Even constructive criticism goes down badly, so it’s probably not worth the hassle.

I suppose what I’m looking for is coping strath is that don’t involve telling her to STFU.

My mum was always a little like this but got a lot worse with age.
With her I think it was a mix both of lack of confidence in some respects, and narcissism in others, I know that sounds contradictory.
It is sad, but she measured the success of any encounter by the impression she made, the nice comments she got, and you could see her anxiety mount in any group situation where she wasn’t the centre of attention.
She reminded me of Lady Catherine de Bourgh in P&P: “I must have my share in the conversation!” - although my mother would never have said that out loud.
Deafness definitely exacerbated it but it wasn’t the root cause.

You have my sympathy. She also moaned to all and sundry that I didn’t tell her things, she always found out from other people, when I had told her and she just didn’t listen. She’d say it to me about me!

Some of it is that I have a perpetual filter when listening to people which is checking whether i am being told about a problem which i am required to come up with a solution to - if not I find I automatically switch off.

But realistically, @ruthieness, outside the workplace and in general conversation, people telling you something are almost never asking you to come up with a solution to a problem. They're telling you something because they want to share something that happened, and all they really want to know is that you're listening and engaged.

Very draining. What age? Narcissistic type traits when I visit. Starts rows quickly if not her own way. Im exhausted by her. Or talks about people locally and Ive no interest as dont know them.

[quote amusedtodeath1]@WinnieLowCo

Very much so, I'm so anxious about getting it wrong socially (because realistically that's my experience), that it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

I come from a family full of problems some nature, some nurture and have a feeling I might be on the spectrum. I have PTSD, but was always "different" even before that. (Sorry if talking too much, thinking about it now you see, sooo frustrating).[/quote]
I get it. I used to be a little like this. I was very uncomfortable with small things that others dont even register. I felt i just couldnt get the to and fro back and forth of a conversation right.

I dont know why but now i know that i will survive awkwardness, it doesnt seem as hard to just listen, concentrate, respond....

It did used to make me anxious 20 years ago.

You end up feeling so disconnected from everybody though

She’d also bang on every phone call about knowing I was busy and she would never get offended about me not phoning like her mother did etc. - when it was me that had phoned her, and left messages on the answering service that she never listened to! Same with my daughter who rang her a lot more frequently than mum rang her. DD1 once rang her three times to tell her she’d bought her first house, only to be unable to get a word in edgeways. She correctly judged that if she’d shoehorned it in at the goodbye stage, my mum would have immediately gone into a histrionic “Oh I’m sorry! Why didn’t you tell me straight away? Oh was I just going on and on I suppose. Like a stupid old woman ....”

I had to check that I didn’t actually begin this thread! My DM is exactly the same, and it’s not age related, she’s been like this all my life and it has seriously impacted my life. Creating boundaries and pulling back from her was the greatest thing I’ve ever done.

@Mary46

Very draining. What age? Narcissistic type traits when I visit. Starts rows quickly if not her own way. Im exhausted by her. Or talks about people locally and Ive no interest as dont know them.

She’s 64, so not even that old really IMO. I had wondered about narcissism as she’s quite attention seeking generally, and details every single moment of her life on Facebook. This has been especially bad during lockdown!

Does she suffer from anxiety? My mum has GAD (and had a difficult upbringing) and has always been like this. She’s not listening because she has to plan what to say next in order to try not to say the wrong thing (which makes it worse). Once she was diagnosed it made things a lot easier for us to manage her. Little things like asking her lots of questions and seeking advice help a lot, as do sending her a little card or gift now and again - it makes her feel more included and valued, which seems to help her relax a bit more.

Me too @TheFoz, I'm seeing my family soon for the first time since lockdown. It will be a family get together and I can't say I'm madly excited about it. I think the tales that get grander in the telling are the hardest thing for me, as well as the dismissive asides. Mixed in with knowing that I am really loved by my DM but I can never push back on even the smallest thing without there being an almighty drama.
There are some things I recognise above in particular the difficult childhood etc. But it means that my sibling and I have always had to silence ourselves as well. I mostly try and focus on not allowing this to go onto the next generation (i.e. my children!).