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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give DFriends a lift

133 replies

cautiouscovidity · 25/07/2020 19:10

I'm meeting friends tomorrow for the first time since lockdown. There are 3 of us that live close together in town A, and two that live in town B.
The three of us from town A take it in turns to lift share when one of the friends from town B is hosting. Technically it's my turn to drive as we're meeting in town B.
Due to current COVID guidelines in England (to avoid sharing a car with people outside your household if possible), I've said that I won't be offering a lift for tomorrow's (outdoor picnic) gathering as I'd assumed we'd travel separately under the circumstances. Friends think I'm being unreasonable and it will be fine if we all wear masks, have the windows down etc. but as I have to drive on the motorway I'm not keen to have the windows open.
One friend doesn't drive (but has a husband who could drop her off) and the other has said it would be difficult for her to drive there because she's parked her car in their garage and her DH and 2x teens' cars are parked in front of it, so a big hassle to shift the cars around just to get hers out (she's working from home so hasn't used the car in ages).
Both have said that they can't come if I can't offer a lift and all friends (including those in town B) think I'm being ridiculous and spoiling the get-together.
So ... lovely people in my phone... AIBU?

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 25/07/2020 20:48

But if they are social distancing and outside when they meet it is less risky than being in a car together

JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 25/07/2020 21:00

To those saying OP is BU, how would you feel if your friends went on and on at you to do something you felt uncomfortable about doing? (for pretty good reasons, this isn’t just a “I don’t want to situation, there is still a rather nasty virus circulating)

I’d feel embarrassed if I put a friend in that position.

Couchbettato · 25/07/2020 21:02

Pretty sure peer pressure is covered in anti-bullying campaigns in school.

Op, don't succumb to peer pressure. Real friends respect boundaries. Bullies push them.

Igotthemheavyboobs · 25/07/2020 21:04

@JoeCalFuckingZaghe

To those saying OP is BU, how would you feel if your friends went on and on at you to do something you felt uncomfortable about doing? (for pretty good reasons, this isn’t just a “I don’t want to situation, there is still a rather nasty virus circulating)

I’d feel embarrassed if I put a friend in that position.

Well that's the point eh? My friends wouldn't and if they did I wouldn't class them as friends for much longer. OP is on here asking if she is BU, I persoanlly don't think she is but this is a situation where it doesn't matter what the MN consensus is. Her friends think OP is BU so she risks not being invited in future and has to decide if this is roak is worse than the covid risk.
Mummyshark2018 · 25/07/2020 21:07

I think it's a bit of an overreaction when you're going to meet them anyway, especially if you all wear masks. I've had to get several taxis with my dh and dc and we've all worn masks, as has taxi drivers, so this is no different, and getting a taxi is allowed.

BluebonicPlague · 25/07/2020 21:10

YANBU. Guidelines or not, cooped up with other people in a small car even for 20 minutes is high risk. Opening the windows is NOT the same as driving a convertible with the roof down, btw. Even in a convertible though you wouldn't be 1 metre apart. If your friend with the car in the garage hasn't had it out all this time the battery will be flat, so they need to get the other DH to drive them if they're not that bothered.

As for your turn - you can take that when all this is over.

But it just goes to show you can never assume how seriously other people are taking things. A friend lost an uncle to the virus yesterday, after a fortnight on a ventilator so I'm not letting up on precautions, rules or no rules.

MuddlingMackem · 25/07/2020 21:12

YADNBU to not want to share a car with them. And, now that you've mentioned your elderly relative, YWBVU to car share even if you were fine with it, it is likely a risk your relative would be unhappy for you take.

So, basically, you can tell your friends that you won't be giving lifts because you're not comfortable with that level of risk yet, but even if you were you couldn't take that risk on your relative's behalf.

Chickychickydodah · 25/07/2020 21:15

Wear masks , hand sanitiser before getting in and make them sit in the back.

diddl · 25/07/2020 21:16

I'm sure that there will be plenty of time in the future to take your turn at lift giving.

The other two could go together.

They are being nasty to make it your fault that they can't go.

One just has to bother to get her fucking car out of the garage!

ButteryPuffin · 25/07/2020 21:18

Doesn't matter what risks other people would take - it's your decision so if you're not comfortable, then you're not. Say what @MuddlingMackem suggests above to them.

I am really unimpressed with the one who would rather you risked your health than her family members had to (gasp) move their cars off the drive. Incredible.

Jeremyironsnothing · 25/07/2020 21:24

YANBU.
I've met up with lots of people for outdoor picnics etc. Not once has anyone ever suggested lift sharing.

ktp100 · 25/07/2020 21:34

I'd tell them bollox and not bothered meeting, in that case.

They don't get to emotionally blackmail you into doing something you're uncomfortable with because they can't be arsed to drive/sort a lift. They are being really unreasonable, OP.

Hope you can manage to sort something.x.

Sunnydazey · 25/07/2020 21:36

YABU

HuggedTheRedwoods · 25/07/2020 21:38

YANBU but your friends are for pressuring you when you've said you dont want to.

Nothing stopping the other two sharing if that is what they want to do, although I wonder if the blocked in car has been SORNed and insurance cancelled if its not been used for months and just sat in the garage and thats the real reason she's not wanting to drive, not some daft excuse about moving cars that will take minutes.

PoodleMoth · 25/07/2020 21:39

Of course YANBU!

16943389ao · 25/07/2020 21:42

YANBU I would have automatically assumed that you wouldn’t be giving lifts as it’s specifically advised against. I think they are being unreasonable by not respecting what you’re comfortable with.

godsowncountry · 25/07/2020 21:44

YANBU. Well, personally I think you're being a bit precious and I think in your position I'd share lifts.

But in the current pandemic you've chosen to follow the guidelines and your friends should respect that. Making you out to be ridiculous is the worst bit out of this, my vote is to get some new, more compassionate and understanding friends.

Pebblexox · 25/07/2020 21:45

If you won't be social distancing once you're together, then I'd say a little unreasonable.
If you're sticking to the guidelines then yanbu.

Margie70 · 25/07/2020 21:45

You are absolutely right not to be sharing cars... if others are happy to do so let them get on with it.... and they shouldn’t have assumed you’d give them a lift.

strawberry2017 · 25/07/2020 21:52

I'm amazed that people think you are being unreasonable. Covid19 is still very much around. If we don't keep following the rules now then like a previous poster said winter is going to be horrendous.
I for one will continue to follow the rules to protect not only myself but my family too.
Anyone who try's to give you a hard time about this is someone I would seriously be wondering about as a friend.
I've had a baby in lockdown, my friends and family are dying to meet him but not once has anyone questioned me about not seeing them.

16943389ao · 25/07/2020 21:54

Just seen that you’re in a bubble with an older relative too. Not that you should have to justify not driving them I’d just explain that you’re being extra careful due to the relative you’re bubbled with and you appreciate everyone has different perceptions of risk and you feel that everyone just needs to do what they are comfortable with. Sorry you’ve been put in this situation. I’ve been really cautious throughout and have suffered huge anxiety so have turned down many a meet up, play date, walk etc and all my friends have been lovely about it. Like you I’d now be comfortable with a picnic but not taking someone in my car. I’ve always tried to make it about me feeling out of my comfort zone when declining invites which seems to have gone down just fine. I hope they respect your feelings.

Figgygal · 25/07/2020 21:59

Your friend who can’t be arsed getting their car out of the garage is taking the total piss

BessMarvin · 25/07/2020 22:20

@Maryhadalittlejam

Your assumption has caused this You need to speak to them
Or their assumptions have caused this.

OP YANBU

diddl · 25/07/2020 22:21

@Figgygal

Your friend who can’t be arsed getting their car out of the garage is taking the total piss
Yup.

Maybe she could borrow one of the 3 cars not in the garage?

BMW6 · 25/07/2020 22:28

YANBU to say No if you are not comfortable with it! Your life, your car, your choice!

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