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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think if I’m not comfortable going then dh should understand?

120 replies

Failureandtrapped · 25/07/2020 17:43

Dh is desperate for a UK holiday - to a caravan park where we usually go. Some things like the pool etc are opening back up.
I don’t want to go for several reasons. Firstly all the work of it falls on me anyway, dh arrives and announces he’s driven so that’s him for the week and then I spend the rest of the week cooking and cleaning etc as normal and where we usually eat out a couple of times this year will be harder.
I’m also a t1 diabetic and I’m just not happy with the extra risk... I don’t want to go in the pool etc. I know my children will be in school in a few weeks and that I’ve just got to accept an added level of risk in every day life but I find it stressful and I cannot help that.
Aibu to not want to go? Dh has the kids on side because he keeps telling them about it and asking if they want to go and now I feel like a terrible human.

OP posts:

MumW · 25/07/2020 18:14

YANBU. And you need to put a stop to 'driving that's me done'
I'd be serving up a meal and saying "I've cooked, that's me done" and leaving the clearing up to him.
DH drives all the way to South of France (we do overnights in a hotel so not in one day), we then go shopping and then I cook and clear up/sort out beds/unpacking and then we are even. Driving doesn't get him a get out of jail free for the whole holiday, and certainly not if staying in the UK.

Keep telling the DC that you can't go in case it makes you ill but that you don't mind Daddy taking them without you and won't it be fantastic to have him all to themselves.
2 can play that game.

I'm on your behalf.

ScrapThatThen · 25/07/2020 18:16

No. This is not necessarily a reasonable risk for you. There has been an outbreak reported at a campsite, there will be more. A reasonable holiday for you would be a separate self-catering unit with no mixing. And if you don't want that, that's ok too .

Plipplops · 25/07/2020 18:20

He’s being incredibly unsupportive and using the kids against you is horrible for them and you.

On the flip side; I run a swim school. For a pool to reopen it HAS to comply with so many extra safety measure that it’s a really safe place to be (as long as you can socially distance which you’ll be able to because they’ll presumably have strict bather limits in place). The only place you’re at risk is the changing rooms, but if you were staying somewhere I wouldn’t expect you to use them - you’d change in your accommodation, go to the pool and swim and go back to your accommodation to change so Please don’t let it put you off swimming if it’s something you’d otherwise be happy to do.

KaptainKaveman · 25/07/2020 18:21

@Failureandtrapped

I’ve told him I don’t want to go. I keep thinking it’s settled but then he starts again. When we went out in the week on the motorway he was saying to the children - if we go on holiday that’s the way we’ll go. And - we’d go down there for a holiday, you’d have so much fun.

So the children were on me then to go.

He sounds very manipulative. Do you ever stand up to him and tell him he's being a selfish, unthinking fool?

Tell him if it's that important he can take the kids and leave you at home.

PoppyFleur · 25/07/2020 18:21

Coronavirus has exposed so many cracks in relationships. The reality is your DH is not very supportive and by the sounds of it, rather lazy. He wants a holiday and would enjoy it far more if the paid help comes too.

Unfortunately for people like us with chronic conditions, we are going to have to socially distance ourselves more carefully than the general population, and for far longer. At least for another year. However that doesn’t mean life stops, it just means even more planning and preparation - which on top of the regular amount of planning for T1 diabetes and other chronic conditions can be soul destroying. However your challenge seems to be a DH that isn’t supportive or understanding of the addition strain of life at the moment. He is very used to having holidays that are fantastic for him and a lot of work for you - but it’s time to readdress that balance. When we teach people to treat us as second best, we should not be surprised when they do.

MysteryParcels · 25/07/2020 18:22

Can your drive at all? Next time you feel happy enough to go on holiday, absolutely insist that you drive, and you announce loudly "that's me done then" and make sure you don't lift a finger.

YANBU and you really to sort out the horrible inequality in your relationship. It sounds like talking hadn't done it, so take action, or rather inaction. Ask him "what's for dinner love?" And just don't make tea.

Scarydinosaurs · 25/07/2020 18:24

Have you told him the ‘driving and me done’ puts you off going back?

Original poster

Failureandtrapped · 25/07/2020 18:25

poppy it is this EXACTLY.
T1 already makes my life a hassle... now everything is even more of a hassle plus constant extra risk assessment.
Dh has never been very interested in the t1 though so I suppose I shouldn’t be hugely surprised.

OP posts:

1WildTeaParty · 25/07/2020 18:26

Post your screenshots on the facebook page - and add a note that you are passing the whole thing over to the police

1WildTeaParty · 25/07/2020 18:27

OOps - wrong page - sorry!

1forAll74 · 25/07/2020 18:27

If he is desperate for a holiday,and has fired up the children now,he should go . You are entitled to have your own views for not wanting to go away. Not sure why you say he won't go without you though, what would be the problem with that ? Man up.might be the best thing to say!

Batqueen · 25/07/2020 18:28

Your husband is completely unreasonable. I’m also T1 diabetic and I am actually going abroad next month but I don’t have kids so it’s much easier for me and dp to just turn and walk away when we see a crowded place. He has completely been happy to go at my pace with when to start going out etc. If your husband wants to go so much he can take your kids and you can have a nice staycation at home!

CupoTeap · 25/07/2020 18:37

Wow I can't believe he is doing that with the kids what a twat

littlequestion · 25/07/2020 18:38

My DH is type 1 too and we've cancelled everything this year because of the increased risks. He's had the final say - if he'd been happy to have a UK break, we'd have gone but he isn't so we won't. I'm pretty sure it would be the same if roles were reversed. Your DH doesn't sound very supportive.

Funnyface1 · 25/07/2020 18:39

Say "I don't feel comfortable or safe and I'm not going. No amount of going on about it will change my mind. No amount of getting the kids on at me will change my mind. All you're doing is upsetting and disappointing them, not wearing me down. If you mention it in front of them again then be prepared to take them on your own. I'm not joking."

JulyBreeze · 25/07/2020 18:41

What's your relationship like in general OP? Can you usually talk about differences?

MrsTerryPratchett · 25/07/2020 18:44

I'd drive and say, 'right, I'm dropping you off, that's me done' get back in the car and drive away.

okiedokieme · 25/07/2020 18:44

How about going somewhere quieter - I'm going 20 miles from the nearest shop, bliss!

Oblomov20 · 25/07/2020 18:45

I haven't shielded, as a type 1. Although I have been careful and have followed all the rules.

And shielding finishes next week, so I don't understand your extreme anxiety.

If you don't want to go because it's no holiday for you, because you still cook etc, that's a total different issue, and you need to tell him that.

Oblomov20 · 25/07/2020 18:48

"Dh has never been very interested in the t1 though so I suppose I shouldn’t be hugely surprised."

😡😡😡

What a twat. My Dh is incredibly supportive of my diabetes that I've had since aged 1.5

Tappering · 25/07/2020 18:50

I've told you I'm not going. I don't want to, I don't enjoy it it's not a holiday for me at all because I end up doing all of the cooking and cleaning - meaning it's easier for me to stay at home because at least I have my own stuff and more room.

If you are so desperate to go then off you trot. But I am telling you now that if you make one more "accidental" comment to the kids about going on holiday, then I will tell them that you are taking them on your own as a surprise, and you can deal with the fall out.

Original poster

Failureandtrapped · 25/07/2020 18:51

No I haven’t shielded.
It’s more that I find that t1 is a constant risk assessment and now it’s made it even more so and I’m really very very very tired. I’ve had one or both of the children all the time since March.

Oblomov20 in what ways is he supportive? One of the things that I struggle with most is dh’s total lack of interest. He refused to learn about my insulin pump when I was pregnant in case he needed to just keep an eye on it whilst I had my c section. He’s aware I’m up some nights a lot with sugars being wayward or set failures but he’s never offered to give me a break or a rest. I suppose it’s pretty boring really, it is for me too.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/07/2020 18:53

"Firstly all the work of it falls on me anyway, dh arrives and announces he’s driven so that’s him for the week and then I spend the rest of the week cooking and cleaning etc as normal"

Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

"Dh has the kids on side because he keeps telling them about it and asking if they want to go and now I feel like a terrible human."
Right, stop than now. You are NOT a terrible human, you are a sensible woman with a prick for a husband. HE is the terrible human.

Time to fight fire with fire. When he tells the children in front of you, asking if they want to go, chime in with 'Well of course you can go, all of you together. It's not safe for mummy yet, but daddy could take you and you'll have a lovely time just with him.'

Fuck him. As @PoppyFleur has pointed out, "Coronavirus has exposed so many cracks in relationships." His shitty behaviour predated the pandemic, he has treated you like his skivvy for some time. Time for you to put a stop to that. And to think about what you want your future to look like.

doodleygirl · 25/07/2020 18:55

I think you have a much bigger problem than a holiday, your DH is a prick x

UndertheCedartree · 25/07/2020 18:55

Just let him take them - nice rest for you.

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