AIBU to feel sad about my 8mo

[mummyslittlenightmare]

My darling DD turns 8 months old tomorrow.

I just feel sad about my life with her, AIBU?
She was a MUCH wanted baby, tried for 3 years, referred to fertility clinic etc, so she is our little miracle baby and my god she is absolutely beautiful.

She was an IUGR baby and delivered by csection weighing 5lbs - so not the best start. She is small for her age now but following her 9th centile perfectly.

But, EVERYTHING seems just so difficult.
She screamed 24hrs a day until she was around 2 months old due to CMPA & silent reflux.

She's on neocate milk & lansoprazole now and has been for some time, but still she is miserable 80% of the time.

She doesn't sleep. No more than 2hr stretches from 6/7pm when she goes to bed and wakes up at 5/530am no matter what time she goes to bed.

She point blank refuses the pushchair and car seat and screams the moment she goes in either. Always has done.

She hates people. Anyone even dare say hello to her or even come into our home that she doesn't know and she growls and screams. I can't take her to anyone's house to visit them because she is a nightmare. Even basic tasks like food shopping is just dreaded because either me or DP will have to carry her and even then she's groaning and whinging.

Sorry for the long rant/whinge. I just have a 'miserable' baby but god it's hard, along with sleep deprivation - i just count down the months till she's at least 1 but then god knows what issues I'll be faced with then!

DP always makes comments when I moan like 'she's healthy, has all her limbs etc, no disabilities, so you should be grateful' and while yes I know this and I am grateful but god it's hard to remind yourself of that when all you want is a decent stretch of sleep and to be able to leave your house.

@mummyslittlenightmare It sounds like sensory issues if she really cannot tolerate the pushchair and car seat. My middle daughter was a very unhappy baby, it turned out she was allergic to dairy, egg and soya, causing reflux and eczema, she rarely slept for longer than 45 minutes day or night and she would wake up at the slightest change- think, going into the house from outside. Once she could move herself she was much much happier. Things she liked were the baby swing not the bouncer, bed sharing so she knew I or my husband were next to her, and lots of holding her close (a sling/ baby carrier was a godsend) to help her to calm down.
Some troubleshooting questions:
Have you tried different recline options for the pushchair? Hood up/ hood down/ raincover over it (but with an air circulation space especially on hot days). Putting a blanket underneath her in it so she can't feel the pushchair texture (my daughter loved fleecey things). Is she wearing leggings that are pushing in on her tummy when she is 'folded' into a sitting position? Does she have socks on? I know these all seem like very minor or pander-y type things, but until I had my 2nd I would not have believed how much these small things could make a difference. She would scream if she had bare feet, or if she had anything with a waistband (leggings/ trousers/ skirt) and either wore sleepsuits / footed dungarees or a loose jersey dress and tights/ socks.

My dd was the same. It wasn't until we got her silent reflex meds sorted (omeperazole and fanaticising) that she started sleeping. She just could not be laid flat as she was in pain from the acid. She refuses buggy and screamed blue murder in car seat. I took her everywhere in an outwards facing carrier, she refused facing inwards, even at a few weeks old. She also had cmpa. It was a bloody nightmare taking her anywhere. I remember once being so stubborn that I persisted on the 20 minute walk to town despite it taking me 2 1/2 hrs as I wanted to be normal and take my baby to a cafe. I eventually made it with my creaming child and a lovely stranger insisted on buying me a cup of tea. It makes me a bit emotional thinking about that day! It was a very dark time for us as a family as none of us slept and we had a baby who only screamed (it was not a cry) for 8 months.

She's 4 now and absolutely wonderful. She grew out of cmpa at 3 and silent reflux at 2.

I think you need to get back to the gp and push for trying more silent reflux meds. I tried for months but let the gp fob me off every time with 'babies cry'. One even told me I should try showing her toys . When I eventually lucked out and got a gp who believed me and let me try and additional medicine it worked and my baby changed to being nearly a 'normal' baby.

Fantising should say ranitidine

Cranial osteopathy

Was absolutely no use to us at all. Complete waste of money.

Sorry- pressed post too soon!

It may be that you need the dosage of lansoprazole readjusting.

Also, the car seat was a flaming nightmare until we changed it for his bigger sisters extended rear facing one. Guess he just didnt like being led down. Ditto the buggy, the one we had the seats were permanently reclined backwards (nipped buggy). Changed it for a Maclaren buggy and he was so much happier.

But yes, it will get better. He's now 6 and you wouldnt know he had such a rough start to life.

have you also cut out soya

At 8 months they shouldn't be having soya anyway unless it is under medical advice - in which case you shouldn't just cut it out.

I havent read the whole thread, so apologies if this has been suggested.

You could have been describing my life. My daughter had many food allergies - dramatic reactions to some. Crying and sadness to others. Have you tried writing a diary - what she's eaten / drunk her nappies and her mood. You may see a pattern. In the end we cut out wheat, dairy, eggs and pulses and she was like a different child. I think she had had tummy ache and just felt miserable.

She wouldn't go in a pram or pushchair. Hippy seat was my lifesaver i wore it to the front like a belly shelf! She would sit on it, looking outwards. I had one arm round her and she felt safe and protected and started waving at dogs then people, she was so much happier.

I also had a sleeping wedge custom made for her from an online mattress place. She slept for 5 uninterrupted hours the first night.

You can also raise one end of the cot with books to make a gentle slope.

The first year was so tough. It felt like no one was listening and no one cared. It isn't normal for a baby to be so sad. I hope you can find what works to make both of your lives more enjoyable.

DD2 was similar - also CMPA and reflux, once we got the neocate working she just had happy chucker reflux still for about 18 months.

She was relentlessly pissed off at everything forever - would only stop screaming in a swinging chair or a jumperoo.

Eventually we twigged she was just a baby who hated being a baby and lots of it was just sheer frustration at wanting to be up and about and engaging with the world but stuck as a baby who couldn't do any of this (the jumperoo got her onto a different vertical plane and she was much happier - but of course then there was jumperoo guilt).

Once she got mobile and able to crawl and walk - she became the sunniest-natured toddler going and even now at age 7 she is such a sunshiney little cuddler... and it's her sister, the lovely contented baby, who is a pissed off ball of pre-teen angst and outrage.

@Bananarama12

I had a miserable baby! When he started sleeping properly it massively improved. He is now a whingy toddler Sending hugs

This. My son was a really fussy baby. He would scream day and night. He hated his pushchair and car seat, it was an absolute nightmare taking him anywhere. Then at around 12 months he started sleeping through the night and actually enjoying being out in his pushchair. He was just generally happier. It was like a different baby. He can still be quite whingy and gets bored very easily but my god it's so much better. I now enjoy being a parent whereas before I was so stressed and sleep deprived I look back and it's all a bit of a blur. Hang in there OP, things will get better.

My DD was just like this born after many miscarriages, IUGR, CMPA, poor sleeper, Velcro baby. She was also very bad at eating and at moving (did not crawl or walk for ages)
One of my 1st posts on Mumsnet many moons ago was pretty much this

I can only say 'this too shall pass'
It seems like forever now but this bit will be over before you know it.
Do whatever the hell you need to do to get through. Take naps if you can. Let the housework go to hell, accept other parts of life will temporarily suffer. I wish I had gone with it a bit more and not tried to do everything 'by the book'. I think I was more distressed by the failure of things to live up to expectations and my guilt about that than anything else.

I went back to work part time when she was 9 months too and that helped. I was tired but I did enjoy the break and doing something I was actually good at. Childminder was able to get her to nap much better than I ever could and after a week or so she loved it there and would put her arms out to go to CM.

The most important thing is that DD was delightful from about 18 months and she still is now aged 13 :)

Admittedly sleep was not great until err about 3 but that was taking ages to go to sleep and often one wake up not every 2hrs. And she still was and is a fussy eater but she also was and still is a great talker, imaginative, sociable, clever. She was easily potty trained, didn't have a lot of tantrums, no issues at school, no friendship problems or education issues and generally a lovely toddler and small child.

You start getting a whole lot more back from them after a while and it makes it all worth it. These are your struggles now but maybe everyone else will struggle with other stuff later and you will be sailing through.

Your baby just hasn't been able to show you all the wonderful things they can be yet.

Also my Number 2 child was an easy baby and that helped me not to beat myself up about being a poor parent.

I still don't love the baby stage but I and not having any more now. I am an OK parent to babies but my strengths are more with older children and that's OK. This fantasy that everyone adores tiny babies is a bit silly really and just more pressure on mothers.

• you are not doing anything wrong
• some babies are not easy
• before you know it this will be over and the next stage will likely be a whole lot better.
• do whatever to get through and try not to feel guilty.

YANBU. I absolutely recall this sadness when my DDs were babies - both had terrible reflux and other health issues, battled to get food and medication in, constantly screamed unless held, constantly threw up on you when held, going out was a nightmare, the eldest hardly slept (although fortunately DD2 did). But, it does get better... When they started to walk, things improved - I think because they were upright more the reflux eased, and once they were in less discomfort they could start to enjoy other things more and it gradually became easier.

I also let gp fob me off- my first was identical to the OPs. When he got older he threw up in his mouth a few times , told me after he swallowed it and said "it's fine I always did that mummy" at 2 years :-(. No wonder we never saw any reflux poor baby must have been so uncomfortable.......

My second is worlds away from this (also 2 weeks late rather than 4 weeks early....). So wish I'd persisted but really felt no one listened (hv/gp and other mums) first time as seems ftm don't know what they're talking about!!!!

Please persist OP- especially if whinging persists even when cuddled/ carried xxxxxx

I’m yet another one coming on here to recommend cranial osteopathy.

My second was hard work. They lived glued to me, wouldn’t go in the cot, the pushchair, car seat. Just clung to me for dear life. I used a sling for everything but it made chores, eating and looking after myself and my other child really hard. All I can say is they soon grow out of it and that it’s ok to be miserable and find it really bloody hard. The first 6 months with my 1st baby were bliss but I still shudder at the thought of the first 6 months with my second. It’s nothing you are doing wrong and try and make some time for yourself somehow

Maybe the not liking other people is.. if she does need some osteopathy then you've probably intuitively found the best ways of holding her comfortably and she may associate strangers with holding her 'wrong' so it's painful. Definitely worth checking it out with a professional.

Also agree push for more medical advice, find a different GP if you need to, one that really listens to you.

For couples who've had fertility issues it's often more of a slog - you've gone through years of stress, grief, financial difficulty, meds that send you off the charts hormonal, doctors and nurses rummaging, calendar /symptom checking - it's relentless.

Then all of a sudden -boom- you get that pink line after maybe years of stressful TTC. Brilliant! But then you are straight into the next set of hormone fluxes, maybe morning sickness, worry over miscarriage, and the usual pregnancy woes and physical difficulties women experience, straight into birth, newborn stage etc. And if the baby is like yours (mine was) and just seems utterly miserable then it's compounding the guilt that you aren't constantly estatic about your long awaited miracle.
Mine hated the buggy and car seat. He 'hated' people too. We carried him around in a sling for the first 6 or 7 months at least. He was colicky for the first three months solid. He never slept. He was in pain and my frustration at not being able to fix it compounded my pnd.
My mantra at the time was 'this too shall pass' - and it did. A friend did some homeopathy and ostopath stuff on him and it seemed to help him turn a corner. Then he grew out of his reflux/colic and stopped sounding like milk was hurting him. And he grew into the happy, squishy baby that I could enjoy. But the early months were not fun.
You've both been through a lot.

I've been there with a baby with severe silent reflux... it's horrendous.

Firstly car seats and buggy's make the reflux worse because it curves their body in a way that makes the acid feel more painful. Our daughter refused to go in both and would scream blue murder whenever we strapped her into them. They need to be upright all the time. Our carrier was a life saver.

Secondly you need to get on top of the reflux. Your baby is in pain and that is why she is so difficult. Are you seeing a consultant or only your gp? What medicine are you giving them and when? Don't be afraid to ask for them to review the medication and to increase the prescription. For us omeprazole was a game changer. It can be expensive but i promise it's money well spent to book an appointment with a private paediatrician if you aren't getting enough support from your gp. Also I thoroughly recommend reading her book or ideally arranging a call with Alison Scott Wright... the woman is a genius when it comes to reflux babies. alisonscott-wright.com

I cried my eyes out to her about my baby and she had a plan in place half an hour later that literally turned my daughters life around and addressed all the issues we were facing. I honestly thought we were managing the reflux but she took one look at my daughter and told me what we needed to do. Only people who have been through this understand the stress and anxiety of having a baby screaming with reflux 24/7 and personally I felt Alison was worth every penny.

In the meantime I'm happy to help if I can.

My first was the same. I didn’t do cranial osteopathy because I couldn’t find any evidence it was anything but quackery. She was also a small baby and remained so for years. I breastfed first a year which was awful and totally not worth the damage to my mental health.

I don’t believe my DD was in pain. I think it was just hating being a baby, and frustration, she wanted to move more. It got better when she started crawling and eating more, better again once walking. She has ADHD and probably ASD to an extent, awaiting assessment. She didn’t get easier as a toddler, we’d have one or two hour long screaming meltdowns daily. Nursery made a huge difference. She’s now ten and only sleeps with melatonin. But she’s happy, loves school and meltdowns are rare.

All I can say is it does, eventually, get easier. Nursery is great. But it’s so hard meeting other mums and they’re enjoying their “normal” babies while yours screams the place down. I did have a second, much calmer, baby, but I wouldn’t risk it again.

Cranial osteopathy!!

DD1 was a 'difficult baby'. Very high need, cried a lot, didn't sleep a lot. Didn't like many people. Very similar to how you've described. She is now 3 and has been the easiest toddler! She magically slept through from 1 year when I put her in her own bed (coslept until then) and has just been delightful ever since. I know this won't happen to everyone, but hang in there. It will get easier when she can communicate her needs to you ❤️

Sorry Not RTFT.
My DD wasn't prom. but she sounds a lot like yours.
She didn't sleep, she hated everyone but me & her father. She was unhappy. She also would not eat anything bar about 4 foods. & no fruit/veg....
I took her to a cranial osteopath, (& she was already 3+ yrs) she literally changed overnight. She started to sleep, she started to chill out.
I would have tried anything, literally. it worked for her

should read "Prem".

Oh goodness! My dd was very much like yours in a lot of ways. Because she was so wanted and loved I was such a martyr too and just carried her on my hip for miles every day (genuinely miles - we didn't drive either, so I'd be pushing this huge pram while carrying her, recovering from a c-section). She never slept either - and still doesn't at 2.5 years.

But... it does get easier. I hate to say this, because it's such a flimsy platitude, but something will click at some point, or you'll make a stand, she'll cry, and you'll realise she didn't wilt from shock and start to be a bit firmer (I'm projecting here, so apologies if this isn't you).

I truly believe some babies just don't like being babies and are grumpy little toads until they can walk. Mine improved massively at 10 months when she started walking (she never crawled though. Because that's how awkward she was).

You sound like a wonderful, caring mum and you can do this

OP I feel for you and have been there. There’s so much good advice above but one thing that stuck with me was ‘everything is a phase’ and it is so true, good and bad they all go through different phases and that’s true even now (my DD1 is 3!)
I hope some of the above works and also - you probably need a break. A night yourself,a glass of wine, a long lie, a nice uninterrupted breakfast. You’ll feel much better for it.
And yes your dd is a miracle but you’re allowed to say it’s shit sometimes. It doesn’t make you any less grateful to want to put her in the bin sometimes, or to lock yourself in the bathroom for 10 mins peace!