AIBU to feel sad about my 8mo

[mummyslittlenightmare]

My darling DD turns 8 months old tomorrow.

I just feel sad about my life with her, AIBU?
She was a MUCH wanted baby, tried for 3 years, referred to fertility clinic etc, so she is our little miracle baby and my god she is absolutely beautiful.

She was an IUGR baby and delivered by csection weighing 5lbs - so not the best start. She is small for her age now but following her 9th centile perfectly.

But, EVERYTHING seems just so difficult.
She screamed 24hrs a day until she was around 2 months old due to CMPA & silent reflux.

She's on neocate milk & lansoprazole now and has been for some time, but still she is miserable 80% of the time.

She doesn't sleep. No more than 2hr stretches from 6/7pm when she goes to bed and wakes up at 5/530am no matter what time she goes to bed.

She point blank refuses the pushchair and car seat and screams the moment she goes in either. Always has done.

She hates people. Anyone even dare say hello to her or even come into our home that she doesn't know and she growls and screams. I can't take her to anyone's house to visit them because she is a nightmare. Even basic tasks like food shopping is just dreaded because either me or DP will have to carry her and even then she's groaning and whinging.

Sorry for the long rant/whinge. I just have a 'miserable' baby but god it's hard, along with sleep deprivation - i just count down the months till she's at least 1 but then god knows what issues I'll be faced with then!

DP always makes comments when I moan like 'she's healthy, has all her limbs etc, no disabilities, so you should be grateful' and while yes I know this and I am grateful but god it's hard to remind yourself of that when all you want is a decent stretch of sleep and to be able to leave your house.

Also recommend a cranial Ostheopath. She had a difficult start in life and she is unhappy for a reason and needs help.

Oh God, I remember how hard it is. Also had a high needs baby.

The main thing that helped me was stopping trying to 'fix' it as it was making me feel like a failure.

I would totally ignore the pram and use a sling. Minimise car journeys and grit your teeth when you have to. Our pram had minimal use until well after age one, but by 18 months he would have his afternoon nap in it quite happily.

Mine grew out of it as he was able to do more; improved when he could sit up, better when crawling, much better when walking and totally different once he could talk. He's now a happy, sociable 11 year old (bit of a drama queen, mind!)

I suggest writing everything down in bullet points and trying the GP.

Can you get a little break for yourself?

Oh gosh you poor thing OP. I had one of those! It's awful. Like your DD, mine was a very wanted baby and yet I hated every day of our first year. Tough birth and a downward spiral from there. She was medicated for reflux until she was 18 months, but even so she was still miserable a lot of the time. Also overwhelmed in new situations etc. I couldn't bring her anywhere without stress. It was a miserable time. What helped me was ranting to my husband about it when he came home from work, he was probably sick of my morning but he knew how difficult she was so he always listened and let me have a moan. Getting my feelings off my chest felt somewhat of a relief and lessened my frustration. I think your DH is being unfair. I'd tell him to let you complain!

As for solutions, honestly I hated hearing this at the time but the only think that helped was time. Middle through as best you scan and eventually she WILL get easier. Age two was a big turning point for me. My DD is four now and while she's still "high needs" and probably always will be, she's also a delight and loves new experiences. She's chatty and confident with strangers and very bright. Hang in there!

Oh and by the way we tried four sessions with an osteopath and it made zero difference. I know people say it really worked for their baby (which is why I brought her) but just worth mentioning incase you pin your hopes on it, that it doesn't work for some. From watching it in progress it definitely seems a bit of (very expensive) scam to me!

Sound alike my DS2 when he was younger (he was quite a good sleeper though) during the day was just awful. He was ill a lot for no apparent reason, and just cried CONSTANTLY. I was very depressed and DP did not get it at all because he didn't have to out up with it all the time.

I my DS was like that and my life became a lot easier/happier when I “gave in”. I co-slept from 6 months which improved my quality of sleep. It meant he went from waking every two hours to three hour stretches and I could sooth him without fully waking up. I also carried him everywhere in a sling which he loved.

To calm him in the car seat I had to play a song from baby sensory on loop.

They do grow out of it - eventually.

Stick with it, they get better!! My baby was much wanted and we had fertility issues. She had terrible reflux, never slept, screamed all the time. Being mum to as creamy vomiting extra from the exorcist was tough (so tough I didn’t have a second one). About 18 months the reflux started to pass and she became a little cutie. She still didn’t much like other people but she was suddenly fun. It took another year until she slept through but it was better.

She’s 9 now. She’s currently asleep next to me having snuck in my bed around 6 this morning. She’s funny, kind, loving and cuddly. She tidied her room and mine without asking yesterday! I love her so much my heart hurts.

Yucky babies can become gorgeous little people.

I can relate, my dc was much wanted baby through fertility treatment, born by emergency c-section. He was covered by bleeding/seeping rash/eczema from a week old, I don't even have nice photo without it. Never stopped crying until finally diagnosed at 8 months and I went on very restricted diet. He also had congenital defect that needed removing part of an organ and to take meds everyday, and also asd traits that made him selective mute for over 2 years.
But now at 12, he still has chronic illness/multiple food allergies that range from mild to severe/life threatening/asd traits, but those hard days are like a weird dream. I was a new mum overwhelmed by difficulty back then, now I know how to deal with it.

This sounds so tough OP. Sympathy for you. My DS was exactly write this. He cried all the time, I felt like I couldn't do anything, I kept trying to do groups etc just to have to leave early when he screamed constantly.

That first year was horrendous, but it did get better when he learnt to crawl, walk and to talk especially. We also sleep trained at 11 months so we finally started to all get more sleep, which made a huge difference to how able I was to cope with things.

He's now 21 months and is great most of the time, and I genuinely love spending time with him. He's still a bit clingier and more strong willed I know that are his age, but that's just his personality!

My son had a traumatic birth and was miserable 24/7 until he learned to crawl. He screamed almost all the time and hated being cuddled by anyone. When he finally learned to move himself around, he suddenly changed into this amazingly happy, laughing child (still knows how to scream mind you). For him it was as simple as that - he clearly hated not bring able to get himself where he wanted to be. Looking after babies is hard, and often being a baby is hard. I wish you all the best with your wonderful miracle daughter - don't forget that she is learning all the time how to communicate better. Whatever the problems are, it is certain that you will both get better and better at being able to deal with them between yourselves!

Yes I’m dubious about solutions too, it was even more wearing constantly trying to fix things that didn’t fix rather than concentrating on carving out rest and relaxation spaces.

When you have your first especially after a struggle it’s so hard to put the need for a break first.

Hi op. I think the sleep problem is probably causing the other problems. Babies need a lot of quality sleep and if they don't get it they are miserable and impossible. Have you tried playing white noise (loudly) at bedtime? One of mine was such a light sleeper and woke up if any of us even sneezed. I downloaded a white noise app on an old phone and played it through the night till he was at least 2, it made such a difference, plus helped with bedtime itself as when the white noise started he sort of calmed ready for bed.
Also my dd who is now 3 had a terrible time when she was around the age of your baby. She had previously been so happy and lovely but just became awful. Not sleeping properly, couldn't put her down, just not right. She didn't seem ill, no temperature or anything but one night in desperation I took her to the out of hours because she just wouldn't settle. Both of her ears were absolutely bulging and she was given antibiotics. When she finished them it started again and she ended up having 5or6 courses of antibiotics until our gp prescribed her a low daily dose to keep it at bay. She was totally perfect from then on.
So I think I would take baby for a good check up because you never know if there is something underlying.
You will get through this!

Have you tried sleep training so atleast you are getting sufficient sleep to deal with the day ahead. My baby Co slept with me and I have only recently got her sleeping in her own room all night and she's 17 months. I used the gradual retreat method and it has really been working. I wish I had done it so much earlier.

Yes it's great that she's in good health and you have your gorgeous baby but it's not good for your mental health to deal with this crying constantly. Does your husband help also? Could you put her down in her pram for naps at home to get her used to it. And also refuse to pick her up even if she does cry. It may sound cruel but she has learnt by that communication she will get carried I would do a few short 20 minute trips somewhere quiet in the pram were your not going to feel everyone is looking at you and commit to keeping her in her pram.

Have you got a CD with nursery rhymes on you could always use that in the car. Lots of musical toys and your husband sitting in the back when he can.

It will get easier for you as she grows. Hopefully playgroups and sessions will resume soon so that is a break and distraction for you both. But you really do need some time away also. Set up a day for yourself either with friends or just something you enjoy doing alone and hand the baby over to your husband or grandparent and have a much deserved rest. You need to look after yourself because it will all be there again once you have had a break so you need the energy to deal with it all.

I had a pushchair hater too. I had PND and everyone’s advice just seemed to be “go for long walks”. With a screaming child in the pushchair?!

I agree with a PP that you need a good sling. I carried my grump on my back until he was 3!

Dd was an utterly miserable cow, after sunny ds.
I had to sling her and she ended up sleeping in our bed for 6 years. Up to the age of 5, her tantrums were horrifi, but the flip side was an intenselyoving and often very funny little girl. She's cyrrentky pretty fabulous. We're nervous u sly entering the tween years now, when I suspect she'll revert.

As other’s have said, this is not just ‘grumpy’ - there is a reason even if you never get to find out what it is.

I’d start by just doing whatever it is that the baby wants, and avoiding everything that distresses her. Go with her for a bit. She must be so tired too. Sleep in the same room and immediately comfort her. Wind everything back. Spend a month just you and her, no shopping, no buggy nothing. See GP and chiropractor, try to rule out other stuff.

Hi OP

No advice about the baby (other than I went to a cranial osteopath, actually I tried two and really liked the second one who explained what she was doing and gave me exercises to do at home as well. Turned out she had tight muscles along one side of her body and neck which caused an obvious 'bend', in hindsight she could never lie straight and looked like a banana on her back and I'd never noticed, so might be worth a try).
I just wanted to say your husband sounds quite unsympathetic! Just because shes healthy and got all her limbs doesn't mean she is pleasant to look after, it's absolutely physically and mentally exhausting looking after a difficult baby or toddler as most parents know when theirs is ill, and just because some people have it worse doesn't mean you don't deserve some support. Imagine he was ill and feeling terrible and moaned and you just said well at least its temporary some people have cancer you know, you should be grateful. Not very helpful. It will change one day but until then life will be a bit of a slog and until then you need to do whatever you can to get through it

I came on to recommend cranial osteopathy- but can see lots of others already have. I think that from what you describe you are at the stage where you have nothing to lose from giving it a go!
Sleep deprivation compounds everything and makes all situations feel worse and very intense imo, but your baby does sound like they are very high needs and it is no wonder you are feeling as you are. Just keep being kind to yourself and remember that you are doing the very best you can and you love your child dearly, but that doesn't mean you have to find everything about them or about motherhood sunshine and lollipops.

From watching it in progress it definitely seems a bit of (very expensive) scam to me!

With regards to cranial osteopathy and chiropractic treatments it should be explained that it might not work.
I can't see any difference to any other medical treatment really, they don't always work.

I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way but what were you expecting the osteopath to use a hammer or something?
I've seen one of the leading pediatric chiros in action and you're right it doesn't look like much is happening (I'm assuming that's what you mean?)
However it is, a babies joints and bones are tiny so the manipulations are too.

I've seen this woman adjusting the plates of the skull using gentle manipulations via a babies mouth it's incredibly specialised.

Shame it didn't work in your situation, also worth bearing in mind there are good and not so good osteos and chiros, same as any other profession.

I often struggle to understand why people can't see a link between a traumatic birth and an unhappy baby that cries a lot.

The fact there's quite a few completely unrelated random people saying give it a try really says it all.

I had a refluxy Velcro baby too. He is almost four now and his crying reduced and he turns into a angry toddler instead when he was around 15 months. I was very happy with that transformation. The best thing that learnt from that time is the importance of taking small regular breaks from the baby that would cry all the time. When taking said breaks either you leave the house or the baby leaves the house (with a trusted adult of course). One or two hours of guaranteed break from baby cries, where you can do anything (even go back early to baby) did wonders for me. The first time I did that I cried in the shower (Ds2 had said goodbye by vomiting on me), it felt surreal having a quite house. Dbro took both boys out. Dh normally stayed at home when it was his turn to look after the baby (where I could hear ds2 cries).

Firstly, you need more uninterrupted sleep. So either you look at sleep training, or co-sleeping or your dh has to cover the weekends. Ideally the former because waking up every two hours is not great for your dd either.

Secondly, does a sling a)help and b) work for you. No point persevering with the pushchair "just because".

I had a similar issues w ds1 re food/sleep/pushchair/car seat. And hated hearing him cry, literally made me feel sick.

A wise friend told me that "one day you'll be ready" (to deal with these issues) and it was true. By 10/11months I was strong enough to sort the sleeping and he got used to the pushchair (I hated slings). Never did sort the car seat til he went forward facing though (car sickness).

Much sympathies to you, OP. I also had a very unhappy baby. Looking back, it was largely the digestive issues and sleeping issues that made him unhappy. Once sleep was sorted, the rest fell into place. Sleep routine came of its own accord at 12 months, and I particularly remember the 6-8 month mark being the height of physical and mental exhaustion. Other than 'this will be over', you've made me think how I look back on this time. I wish I'd had someone to hand over the baby to more often or even overnight (wasn't possible for me at all). I wish I'd spent the nice cuddly, playful moments not worrying about how the baby missing out/not performing/was absolutely miserable/hated strangers and focused on the moment instead. DS is a strapping 9 yo supremely happy with the world, and the vulnerable baby time so long ago, I just wish I'd dedicated more time on enjoyment. Best wishes, OP

Oh OP, I really feel for you. She sounds similar to how my DD was at that age. A winger!

However, she did get better! Once she was able to crawl and move about she was able to entertain herself more nd was much happier. She grew into a happy, easy child. However, she's always been very sensitive to the environment- itchy clothes, a low pain threshold etc. and cries easily. Looking back, as a baby, I think she just cried and winged about things that didn't bother other babies- that was her way of communicating her discomfort and feelings before she could talk. She's a wingy teen now but we just ignore it. -

@mummyslittlenightmare a friend of mine had her baby early, but very early. They spent first 3 months in a hospital;. Her DD is still fragile and a bit sickly, but the smartest kid around, happy and sociable.

She told me her DD cried inconsolably for months. It was that when they are born early, they are not fully developed and touch/smell/sound/sight hurts them, not comforts them. She cried for weeks, not being able to soothe her DD while her DD screamed. It was such a heartache.

She now has DD2 and she told me it's been a cruise - incomparable.

As for the lack of sleep I agree, sleep training (not necessarily with any crying involved, just gentle one) will save your sanity. You need sleep. Hope you feel better soon.

/babies are bloody hard work and not cute cuddly bundles of joy 24/7!

This was DS as well. In spades. Complete with the Neocate and lansoprazole. In his case he also had undiagnosed food allergies (18 at the nadir).

A few specific things to try:
When was the dosage if the lansoprazole last worked out?