AIBU to feel sad about my 8mo

[mummyslittlenightmare]

My darling DD turns 8 months old tomorrow.

I just feel sad about my life with her, AIBU?
She was a MUCH wanted baby, tried for 3 years, referred to fertility clinic etc, so she is our little miracle baby and my god she is absolutely beautiful.

She was an IUGR baby and delivered by csection weighing 5lbs - so not the best start. She is small for her age now but following her 9th centile perfectly.

But, EVERYTHING seems just so difficult.
She screamed 24hrs a day until she was around 2 months old due to CMPA & silent reflux.

She's on neocate milk & lansoprazole now and has been for some time, but still she is miserable 80% of the time.

She doesn't sleep. No more than 2hr stretches from 6/7pm when she goes to bed and wakes up at 5/530am no matter what time she goes to bed.

She point blank refuses the pushchair and car seat and screams the moment she goes in either. Always has done.

She hates people. Anyone even dare say hello to her or even come into our home that she doesn't know and she growls and screams. I can't take her to anyone's house to visit them because she is a nightmare. Even basic tasks like food shopping is just dreaded because either me or DP will have to carry her and even then she's groaning and whinging.

Sorry for the long rant/whinge. I just have a 'miserable' baby but god it's hard, along with sleep deprivation - i just count down the months till she's at least 1 but then god knows what issues I'll be faced with then!

DP always makes comments when I moan like 'she's healthy, has all her limbs etc, no disabilities, so you should be grateful' and while yes I know this and I am grateful but god it's hard to remind yourself of that when all you want is a decent stretch of sleep and to be able to leave your house.

My first was like that. It was like he was born angry and stayed that way. At 6 he’s a lot better and he’s genuinely interesting and engaging (though obviously it didn’t take 6 years).

I’d second the cranial osteopathy. I was incredibly sceptical, but it made a huge difference for him (even if my dr friends mocked me for it). I also spent many months pushing an empty pram around and carrying my baby. In your shoes I would invest in a good sling, good news for you is that she’s small so should be ok to carry. We did get the pushchair sorted with snacks in the end. I just used to give him finger foods and he would be happier.

The car seat is more difficult and my child turned out to be very car sick, something we are still dealing with but it’s a lot better than it was.

Hang in there, it’s really awful when your baby is a grump (and everyone else’s seems perfect). My second was a peach though, genuinely enjoyable, to the point where I think another would be nice (until I think about my first).

I had one of these. Couldn't put her down or hand her to anyone else without her screaming. Had to be attached to me at all times. Make sure you have a good sling. Mine is now 9 and an utterly happy lovely girl who is bright, hardworking and kind. I am still not quite sure how we survived baby years. She crawled at 6 months and walked at 8 months, also had CMPI and silent reflux. I just don't think she was happy being a baby.

My daughter was the same with a pram and car seat. Took her to a cranial osteopath and they said she had shoulder problems caused by a rapid labour, and from that day onwards she was absolutely fine. No idea what they did but I clearly fixed the problem! Best £40 I ever spent!

Oh god it’s so easy to forget how hard that first year can be. FWIW DD was a demon child until her first birthday and grew up to be really lovely! Just get through it in any way you can and be kind to yourself

Have you tried putting favourite teddy/toys in the pram and car seat in the house in front to child, then the same thing outside, in car - like a game?

Both of mine were like that. Do you have a (good!) sling? Not a babybjorn or similar, but a soft, well fitted one?
None of mine ever accepted a pushchair or a rearfacing carsear (both screamed until they threw up up an i haled vomit....). Both of mine absolutely hated baby/toddler classes.
It gets better, but my slings were lifesavers (and co-sleeping)

Resign yourself, in fact just embrace, a sling-based life. Buy rucksack, a good sling, and you may find that the happier and more secure she is, the easier it may be to ease her into a pushchair.

What’s your support like? I paid for 2 days a week in nursery so I could get a rest and I’ve friends that have done that with high needs babies as it’s so relentless and impossible to feel gratitude when you are running on empty.

Try and get out once a day with the baby though, best for both of you even though it’s hard to get out.

As mentioned already - see a chiropractor specialising in babies. They can transform a constantly crying baby. Discomfort in positions when they are bending forwards (car seat, push chair etc) are classic problems that chiro can fix. In the meantime, you can try the ‘Tiger in the tree’ hold and lots of playtime where they can lie flat on the floor. Make the pushchair as flat as possible too when out and about.

It sounds like she is in pain. What dose of lanzoprozole is she on and is it regularly reviewed? As she grows the dose is likely to need increasing every few weeks. Or an alternative trying? If she is so unhappy even slightly reclined in the Pushchair this suggests reflux issues still. Do you have a good sling that you can put in your back? Maybe visit a sling library in your area?
It sounds really tough. I hope it passes for you both soon.

Oh OP, you poor thing!

Honestly, I had one of those babies! Awful, awful sleeper and just so miserable All. The. Time. Even the cranial osteopath shook her head in bewilderment after a few sessions and said "It should be doing something by now."

I tried everything it was possible to try, I really did. But looking back the most helpful non-advice was from by seen-it-all GP, who just looked at him sympathetically and said "some babies just really don't like being babies".

The one thing that did make a significant difference was sleep training at around 10 months old. I swore I would never do it but I couldn't take any more and in the end it was a little miracle. He was still not an easy baby by any stretch, but his temperament was hugely improved by being better rested. And after that it slowly got better as he was able to walk and I think was less frustrated.

One good thing to come out of a pretty awful first 12 months was that I found toddler hood an absolute breeze and a complete delight in comparison, while my friends with babies who had quietly slept in their car seats during endless long lunches really struggled at how their lives changed once their toddlers developed minds of their own.

It was the darkest time, but he is 12 now and perfectly happy, and with two younger siblings as proof that it does get better!

I also had a miserable baby and it’s such a struggle. My Health Visitor was super supportive though and, even though at times it felt like a never ending hell, we came through the other side. I felt awful about him being unhappy but believe me we tried everything - numerous visits to the doctor, different diet for me, different formular, medication, new pram, slings the lot. It’s probably a stupid thing to say but I just think my little boy didn’t like being a baby! He was much happier once he could walk and now he’s a happy, healthy 6 year old. I put a thread on here about him when he was about the same age as your baby and people said ‘this too shall pass.’ At the time I didn’t take any comfort from it, but it was entirely true.

You’re doing an amazing job, you’re not failing her I’m any way. If you didn’t love her you wouldn’t worry. Be as kind to yourself as you can and use all the support you can find. The sling worked best for us but it was no miracle cure unfortunately.

All that being said, if your instinct is that your baby is in pain then you should obviously keep pushing for help. I only tell you my story because I think that sometimes there is no obvious reason why some babies are particularly miserable.

Cranial osteopath. Helped my son in the first session, was incredible.

Several people have suggested this yet the OP hasn’t acknowledged this.

To the OP: TRY IT! You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Ps my dc hated all people and other children, I’d try and find a few regular long term babysitters and keep going with the benefit of hindsight.

We kept hoping she’d grow out of her aversion to people but it’s proven a consistent character trait and I wish we’d established a few key sitters and just worked to the point where she got more comfortable with them.

We struggled to have dc1, it doesn’t make e relentless exhaustion of sleep deprivation easier to deal with just because it was harder to get there, or mean that you have to do everything yourself.

You poor thing -that sounds really tough

My son was a difficult baby too. Never slept well, seemed to scream if we tried to go to any activities. At least he didn't mind the pram but that was the only place he would nap, and it had to be moving so I used to walk bloody miles, in all weathers, just so he could nap

I used to see other mums out with their babies, sat chilling in coffee shops or at groups and I would feel so envious.

All I can say is, it really does get better. DS improved at about 18 months when he started sleeping better. 18 months -3 years were a lot more bearable. From 3 onwards, I finally felt like we could properly enjoy things.

Is she weaning yet -that may help, especially when she is less reliant on milk?

Do you have any family or a friend who could offer some help? Even if they just sit in your house with her for an hour so that you can go to the shops/for a walk/get a coffee. A break from the grizzling can really help.

You have my sympathy. My DD was angry and LOUD as a baby. She was lovely but just seemed grumpy and unhappy and was a truly terrible sleeper. We never found out what it was, but she became MUCH happier as she got more mobile, though she didn’t sleep through the night properly until she was 4. She is now a lovely, kind and sociable 14 year old. Hope you find something that works for you ASAP, what you are going through is SO difficult.

My grumpy baby cheered up when we bought him a doorframe bouncer. He loved being vertical and able to move up and down.

I have three, and my third was an extremely hard work baby. She cried or moaned all day long unless I was carrying her, and was a horrendous sleeper, and I breast fed her all night long time keep her quiet and she would only nap in the sling or if I held her. She screamed on every car journey from beginning to end, and refused to even be held by my husband. It was me only! Once she could crawl she just followed me crying while I did anything. She had CMPA too and oddly had IUGR during pregnancy too. It was an extremely challenging period of time, and if it wasn’t for having two older ones and having to do school runs, clubs, days out I think it would have been so much harder.

I can’t recommend a sling enough, it was my life saver!! I could get on with things to a certain point, and it meant I could take my older ones out.

She is almost four now and is still an unsettled sleeper and a moaner but is generally lovely to be around now and happily goes to nursery, is very sociable and extremely confident with other children. She’s basically completely different to how she was as a baby!

Be kind to yourself ❤️

My niece was exactly the same and she was born a little bit early , a complicated and horrible birth too.
She was that way until she was about 3 when we discovered she had many allergies ( eggs etc.) After that she improved and now is very happy and friendly.
Sorry you are going through this I know how stressful it is

I had a non-sleeper baby. Not popular on mn, but I did controlled crying to get dc to sleep through the night. Also meant I got a decent night sleep, which made the works of difference.

It is horrible hearing your baby cry. Maybe you will have to bite the bullet and let her cry when putting her in the pushchair. You’ll probably find that once you start walking, she will stop crying. I guess your family members are concerned that you’ll give in to her whenever she cries, thus making a rod for your own back.

I struggled with dc1 as a baby also. They don’t come with a manual!

My first was a grumpy baby. I absolutely hated the first four months of his life. It is still a black fog of incessant screeching for me and he is 7YO now. Mine also had reflux and probably CMPA but it never got diagnosed because treating the symptoms of reflux alone saw an improvement.

The only thing that saved me in those early days was the dummy.

My second was like that, it was so bloody hard. It does make me sad that I can’t look back on his first year fondly but he’s nearly 2 now and much easier.
He’s tolerating dairy in food now so the CMPA is better, wish we’d tried cranial osteopathy though so definitely worth a go!
Hope things turn a corner for you soon, however gradually

My dd was a IUGR baby, she came out cross, screamed pretty much for her first year. NICU staff frequently commented on her rage. She also had severe reflux. Looking back she was a poor feeder so was probably hungry, when she fed it worsened the reflux, because she was hungry she didn't sleep well so I was also exhausted.
Be kind to yourself, you need sleep and a break so take turns. She may not like the seats due to reflux or she may just not like them.

My little one was similar, and it's so tough.

You mention you've gone dairy free, have you also cut out soya? The two proteins are very similar and can cause similar reactions. This made a big difference for us.

There are several support groups on Facebook if you'd find something like that supportive. Just knowing there were other people in the same situation helped me cope.