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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not take son on Holiday

110 replies

pinksoda35 · 23/07/2020 09:47

We have booked a few days away in North Norfolk,staying on a caravan site for myself,Partner an our two boys(13 and 6)
Ideally we wanted a Cottage with 3 bedroom's but everything we looked at was already booked up.
The Caravan we have picked is only a 2bedroom but we paid extra for a double wide..it looks nice and is local to all the places we want to visit and the beach is on our doorstep.
My 13 is now complaining saying he does not want to go,he doesn't want to share a bedroom and he thinks it will be boring.
Admittedly some of the places we have picked to go to would be more suited to his younger brother,though we would also go to places he fancied...I have asked him what he would like to do and explained all of this to him but he refuses to even engage or just walks off!
My Mum will be coming to house and pet sit so he wants to stay with her.
I feel really upset by this...his disconnect with our family is upsetting.
Just everyday things like family bike rides or dog walks he won't take part!
We are booking to go out for a curry knowing he likes it and he has now turned to us and said he doesn't want to come.
He is only happy sat on his own either on his xbox or phone..we try so hard to include him but are always met with resistance,the times we have made him come he does nothing g but moan or pick fights with his brother and it runs what should be a nice day out,which I do not want this holiday to turn out like.
So would you all let him get this way and leave him with grandma?
Or make him come and pay money for someone totally ungrateful who will do everything to show his dislike?
I am quite upset that he wants to spend so little time with us and has no interests other than gaming and YouTube.

OP posts:
merrytombombadil · 23/07/2020 13:35

He's 13, confused and probably feeling a bit sad. If you leave him at home he'll be more sad and feel rejected (it won't matter that it was what he wanted). Sit him down, tell him you love him & that he has to come on holiday but you'd like to make sure he enjoys it too. Ask him to help choose an activity and change your plans if necessary. Drown him with love- he won't thank you now but he might in 10 years. Be the adults, and know best.

MamaGothel · 23/07/2020 13:35

I would make him come on the holiday but not make him come to the activities. He can come if he fancies it, if not he can stay at the caravan/walk to the beach/go to the arcade. Would your younger child be open to camping out in the living room so older DS can have the bedroom? I know my 5 year old would love to do that, she always wants to have sleepovers in our living room.

LetitiaMartin · 23/07/2020 13:36

To be fair even the way the OP worded it sounded like they’d planned stuff for the younger one and not the older.

The reason they haven't planned things for the older one is that he won't engage with he planning:

we would also go to places he fancied...I have asked him what he would like to do and explained all of this to him but he refuses to even engage or just walks off!

What is she supposed to do?

merrytombombadil · 23/07/2020 13:37

If he won't help choose activities, choose activities which are aimed at a 13 year old. A 6 year old will love a holiday no matter what you do, so the 13 year old is far more important when it comes to picking activities. Don't lose him now.

yikesanotherbooboo · 23/07/2020 13:37

I wouldn't give him the option of staying at home. When I am off work I love spending time with the whole family and they seem to like this as well. He can make his own choices when he is older. Having said that I would involve him in choice of activity once there . My experience would say that he will have fun most of the time when you are away. My youngest mourns a bit for computer access when we are on holiday but he enjoys all the outdoor activities and everyone being together so on the whole there is harmony.

Thunderpunt · 23/07/2020 13:39

I would say take him, as long as you're happy to leave him in the caravan alone if he really digs his heels in about joining in family activities....

if there's WiFi he can stay and watch YouTube, etc. He may find a morning or afternoon of being on his own, and then rest of the family coming back exhilarated/jolly/knackered or whatever from the morning's activities - that it's more fun to join in than stay in the caravan. (If there is no WiFi I suspect he will be chomping at the bit to come out after a boring few hours on his own!!)

I don't think I'd let him call the shots and stay at home with granny. That's setting yourself up for a lifetime of the tail wagging the dog in my opinion

QueenofLouisiana · 23/07/2020 13:41

DS is 15, I remember two years ago he was a pain in the arse on holiday (mobile home in France, so very similar). He had a pool to go to- with slides etc- didn’t want to go; a bike to ride, nope; days out received eye rolls. He wanted to use his switch or phone, was just generally snotty.

Last year he was more amenable and went on bike rides, took up photography and agreed to join in family activities more. This year, he’s talking about birds he wants to get photos of, card games he wants to teach us and has some ideas for places he wants to go.

He’s grown up, we’ve released the bonds a bit in line with his age. Things are getting better. But that year he was 13, that was bloody hard.

Iwalkinmyclothing · 23/07/2020 13:41

OP, do you think he's missing 1:1 time with either of you? I only ask as one of my dc was very much like this for a while and it wasn't until I started carving out time just for me and him, no other dc, no dh, no one else at all, that things got better. I really didn't get that he didn't see family stuff as being 'for him'- from my PoV, when we did stuff as a family it was for all of us, I didn't realise how much he needed non family time and to be the one and only for short periods.

And as other pp have said, he's 13, this is not unusual. I would take him on the holiday and I would make a big deal out of him being 'in charge' of what happens on some days (last holiday we had, we each had a day where we picked the activities, even our then 4 year old).

1forAll74 · 23/07/2020 13:43

If it had been any children of mine years ago,he would have just had to join the family getaway, there would have been no debates on the matter at this age. But different times now, when lots of children are only interested in gadgets and phones, and get in bad moods without them.

But in this case I would let him stay home,so as not to spoil your break, but this is just letting him do what he want's all the time, and it will become a normal thing for him.

MutteringDarkly · 23/07/2020 13:43

There's a similar age gap between my younger sibling and I. There was only one family holiday where I was permitted to opt out and that was because I was a terrible flier, and the others had an opportunity for an almost-free trip to the seychelles, I would have been 16 I think, and stayed with friends near home instead - made life easier for everyone!

However I joined later UK and European trips (and all the previous ones), some sharing caravans most sharing B&B rooms with my sibling. As PPs have said, it all works out once you're there, and later on, being able to tease your adult sibling about them kicking/snoring etc in their sleep on holiday is part of the family dynamic.

Great idea from PP about splitting up so your older child can have some 1:1 time, it doesn't have to be a whole day. Activities where you are side by side can sometimes mean you get to have good chats there isn't time for in day to day life. I hope you all have a good break together Smile

maryberryslayers · 23/07/2020 13:45

I can't see the point of making someone, of any age, do something you they clearly don't want to do, especially when there is alternative child care for him.
You can't really enforce 'family fun', it's understandable that you've got an idea of how you would like the holiday to be, but you won't get that anyway if he's miserable.
Do you often aim activities at his younger brother whilst he stands around bored or do you do and equal amount of things that are more suited to his age but perhaps not his brother? Go karting, zip wires, arcades etc? It's important to acknowledge he's a teen not a child so family days out may mean taking it in turns for each boy to do something they enjoy.
Could the compromise be that he can sleep in the living room and have a couple of hours playing xbox each evening once 6yo is in bed, but he joins you in the day?
If he's adamant though I think it would be right to let him stay at home. You'll only push him further away by making him go.

WearyandBleary · 23/07/2020 13:46

I would cut the WiFi down now to two hours a day - and let him know.

And then give him the option of staying with granny - they might have a nice time. But not if he is on the Xbox all the time!

bridgetreilly · 23/07/2020 13:47

I'd take him, knowing it might be miserable, but I think it's really important for teens to know that they are, and always will be, part of the family, no matter how grumpy and moody they get.

YgritteSnow · 23/07/2020 13:48
  • I do love Mumsnet.....when they're under 18 they're just kids and must do as we say with no questions....

When they're over 18 they're adults and we must do nothing for them*

I'm not "mumsnet" I'm just me and 13 year olds don't get to decided if they go on holiday or not. It's not even about controlling them or not listening to their wishes, id be really worried at just how distant we were becoming if they'd started to be allowed to refuse holidays that early. I had a husband who was pandered to and never made to go anywhere he didn't want to and when they did it all revolved around him. Guess what? He learned that by making himself unpleasant he could get his own way all the time and carried on behaving like that into his adult life and marriage. He genuinely couldn't see what was wrong in him prioritising what he found exciting or interesting over everyone else. 15, yes leave him home, 13, no way.

OhCaptain · 23/07/2020 13:53

What is she supposed to do?

Be an adult and plan things anyway?

I’m sure between them OP and her husband are perfectly capable of coming up with something their own son would enjoy without expecting him to plan it.

chelseahotel · 23/07/2020 13:53

I always bent over backwards to choose holidays they would like at that age, to the extent of drawing up a shortlist for them to look at before booking. It does get harder when they get to 13 and 5 years is a very difficult age gap to suit both DC.

JRUIN · 23/07/2020 14:10

Your DS sounds adamant that he doesn't want to come and as it's only for a few days, for yours and for your other child's sake, I would respect his wishes on this occasion. I would definitely address the amount of time he is allowed to spend on his xbox and phone though.

Winterwoollies · 23/07/2020 14:13

Yeah, don’t let a petulant and ungrateful 13 year old rule the roost and dictate what happens... make him go.

rookiemere · 23/07/2020 14:16

I've changed my mind based on other replies. I think he should come, but be allowed to bring his Xbox for an hour or so a day and consider splitting activities by parent and letting him sleep in the living room rather than sharing with his sibling.

BurtsBeesKnees · 23/07/2020 14:44

At 13 I'd be telling him he'd not have any choice in the matter:

BarbedBloom · 23/07/2020 14:53

I wouldn't take him. My friend tried this and her older son ruined the holiday. He refused to go out and they couldn't physically force him so he sat in the caravan. He sulked the whole time and just made it so unpleasant.

The issue is what a 6 year old would find fun and what a 13 year old would are hugely different. Some teens might suck it up but many won't. On holidays at this age I did my own thing and just met with parents for meals. I didn't want to spend time with them. I also found it hard as I am a huge introvert and found it overwhelming all being stuck in a small caravan.

Most teens don't want to do family activities at this age. Forcing them tends to just spoil it for everyone and make them even more resentful.

BarbedBloom · 23/07/2020 15:01

I should add, I grew up with consoles and still didn't spend time with my parents. I read instead. I hate walks and cycling and outdoor activities, always have. Even now if someone wanted to go on a holiday with lots of walks and beaches, that would be my idea of hell. I think this is why a lot of families invite a friend for their child at this age

MintyMabel · 23/07/2020 15:53

Being bored is useful for kids, they can develop other interests

What other interests is a 13 year old going to develop in a caravan for a week?

FizzyPink · 23/07/2020 15:58

There was a similar age gap between me and my younger siblings and my relationship with my parents completely broke down at that age.
I was constantly being taken to places that were only really suitable for my younger siblings and it really wouldn’t have been fun to have them tagging along to things I wanted to do.

Could you take him out separately one day? So if there’s a theme park he’d enjoy for example, DH take him there while you occupy his brother? I remember being that age and having so many hormonal mood swings going on that didn’t help by feeling like family life revolves around the younger ones and I had lost my parents attention

MorganKitten · 23/07/2020 16:29

Leave him behind and enjoy the holiday