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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think you can’t really say you’re shielding....

125 replies

2020wasShocking · 23/07/2020 00:11

So you can’t help out with childcare for one grandchild (when both parents work and are struggling for childcare but don’t want to lose job)

....but you have another grandson staying with you for a weeks holiday?

OP posts:
2020wasShocking · 23/07/2020 09:22

@Mrsjayy

You didn't mention anything about that in your original post did you, were you just trying to cause a bit of drama they clearly just don't want to baby sit for you.
What didn’t I mention in my first post?

I said we were desperate for childcare as we both work. What difference does it make whether the first post didn’t say that their dad has gone back to work from Furlough? Wouldn’t make much difference to the original post, if anything it would make if more understandable he can’t take more time off...

OP posts:
2020wasShocking · 23/07/2020 09:26

@HouchinBawbags

I will say that despite the fact that it's up to the GPS to decide what risk is worth it, 3 days is fuck all and the they should just do it. It would grate on me and I'd be a lot less willing to go out of my way for them in future.

My ILs hugely favourite DH's DB and a lot of money goes their way from DH's parents (yet DB and DSIL live like royalty and have a shopping habit, completely redecorating (furniture and small appliances included) annually or more often than that. They blow through cash living in a John Lewis catalogue show home whereas we work and live in a council flat with furniture older than our teenager. We don't ask for anything but it makes DH feel like crap when it's al DB DB DB and never him. Yet guess who'll be lumbered with their old age day to day caring? Me as the closest female relative and DH, to a lesser extent, as he works more hours.

Sorry about my wee rant there but your post makes me think of it. Remember what people refuse to do for you and you owe em nowt.

That sounds so unfair for you and your family! No wonder you feel frustrated.
OP posts:
Haenow · 23/07/2020 09:27

Holy drip feed! Why didn’t you say they’re not actually shielding and they’re really lying about it? You’d have got different replies!

Have you outright asked them why they can have one child but not the other?

AlternativePerspective · 23/07/2020 09:27

They’re not shielding.

Plenty of people with underlying health conditions and no letter have chosen to shield, and in many cases even been told to, and this is where it does get confusing, because the letters weren’t a proper indication of risk in some instances.

However, shielding doesn’t equal going to the local shops or having the grandchildren over to stay. In fact, if they’re shielding then they wouldn’t be able to provide adequate childcare surely? As if something happened to the child they couldn’t e.g. take it to hospital.

People do use the word shielding as some kind of status symbol, they wouldn’t if they actually stuck to the process.

I have been shielding and apart from two essential blood tests I haven’t left my house since March. My partner came up to visit last week but he stayed in the back garden, and that was the first time I’d seen him since March.

And while shielding pauses in August (it’s pauses not stops so they can implement it again if they need to,) I certainly don’t intend to suddenly start running out to the local shops and the restaurants. My risks if I catch COVID haven’t become less, it’s just the risk of actually catching it are reducing due to the reduction in cases....

AlternativePerspective · 23/07/2020 09:28

Sorry posted too soon.

If these grandparents said no to all childcare then that would be understandable. But saying yes to one sibling and no to the other is shit behaviour.

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/07/2020 09:29

Because my job moved us internationally a lot, we raised our 4 DCs without having any childcare support from family. We both work/worked full time. To me there is an element of you seeming to blame the GPs for not being willing or able to solve your childcare issue. I don’t think it’s horrible of them to expect you to be independent adults and arrange your own childcare.

AlternativePerspective · 23/07/2020 09:31

Where has the OP lied about it?

She said the grandparents were shielding, which they have probably told her they are. Regardless of the fact that they don’t appear to actually be shielding it seems to be an expectation that if you say you’re shielding then people take that seriously.

Even on here people are still talking about the risks between households.

Accusing the OP of lying is unnecessary.

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/07/2020 09:31

However, shielding doesn’t equal going to the local shops or having the grandchildren over to stay. In fact, if they’re shielding then they wouldn’t be able to provide adequate childcare surely? As if something happened to the child they couldn’t e.g. take it to hospital.

This was true until 6th July. It is no longer the case. Shielded people can now social bubble with 1 household of any size and go out to shops for essential needs. Theyve always been allowed to go to a hospital. Please see the link to guidance I posted on pg1 of thread.

fuzzymoon · 23/07/2020 09:33

Its an excuse.

Its mean.

They don't have to do it but I like and want to treat my children equally which includes any grandchildren. So I think it's mean they're not.

I'm not sure I could see my children struggle when I know I could ease the situation.

Its 3 days over six weeks. You're pretty grim if you can't put yourself out for 3 days especially when you will for another.

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/07/2020 09:33

How does OP know GPs are lying about shielding? Their behaviour is consistent with U.K. shielding advice.....

Clymene · 23/07/2020 09:34

@PlanDeRaccordement that is not what the guidance says. I know you can read

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/07/2020 09:35

If these grandparents said no to all childcare then that would be understandable. But saying yes to one sibling and no to the other is shit behaviour.

I thought the other child was staying for a weeks holiday/visit not for childcare reasons?

Bupkis · 23/07/2020 09:35

I think Mrsjayy meant you didn't mention that they weren't actually shielding.

It gets a bit annoying when people use the term shielding like this, when they are not actually shielding!

2020wasShocking · 23/07/2020 09:36

@Autviaminveniamautfaciam

I've had this in the past. My PIL say that "family" is so very important to them, but in the 15 years I have had DC, they have babysat for me, at my request, once and very reluctantly at that. They have asked for plenty of things on their terms and got some, but not all. A few weeks ago, my SIL who has zero responsibilities of her own, offered to baby sit for me. I laughed out loud. My DC are teens. Just to balance, my own family have never, ever babysat for me or helped me out with my DC. I've struggled, believe me.

I found it hard with zero support when my DC were young, but here's the thing, they get older. As soon as my DC were old enough and mature enough to stay home and look after a younger sibling I no longer needed anyone else. Even better once my eldest can drive.

Here's the upside. No one has helped me out and I am not going to help any of them out if they need it. You reap what you sow. You need to do what I did and make more friends and a better support network. Ask DC's friends parents if they can trade days for looking after DC/ playdates. Stack up brownie points with your DC's friends and trade favours. Look at the clubs available in your area.

By any chance is the other DGC their DD's child?

That’s sounds rubbish your situation. I can understand why you feel the way you do.

Yes it’s their daughters child! Your bang on

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 23/07/2020 09:37

No that’s not what the guidance says at all. Especially not about going to the local shops.

Shielders can go outside for exercise and meet people outside they can now form a social bubble, but no shops until August.

2020wasShocking · 23/07/2020 09:39

@Haenow

Holy drip feed! Why didn’t you say they’re not actually shielding and they’re really lying about it? You’d have got different replies!

Have you outright asked them why they can have one child but not the other?

I should have in hindsight- It wasn’t meant to be a drip feed, I was just trying to get it out in one go.

They aren’t shielding because of doctors advice or a letter they got, they were just choosing to. Apologies for not making that clear

OP posts:
Bupkis · 23/07/2020 09:40

planderaccordement
Shielded people can now ..... go out to shops for essential needs.
Nor until August 1st.

2020wasShocking · 23/07/2020 09:41

@AlternativePerspective

Sorry posted too soon.

If these grandparents said no to all childcare then that would be understandable. But saying yes to one sibling and no to the other is shit behaviour.

Both your posts are spot on!
OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 23/07/2020 09:42

[quote Clymene]@PlanDeRaccordement that is not what the guidance says. I know you can read [/quote]
Yes I can read. My English is pretty good.

What changed on 6 July
The government has made some changes to its guidance for people who are shielding because the transmission of COVID-19 in the community has gone down. The changes from 6 July are:

you no longer need to socially distance from people you live with

if you want to, you can meet in a group of up to 6 people outdoors, including people from other households

you may also form a ‘support bubble’ with one other household if you want to, but one of the households in the ‘support bubble’ should be a single adult household (either an adult living alone or with children under 18 only). You can all spend time together outside and inside each other’s homes, including overnight, without needing to socially distance

the government support offer has been extended: you can still get a food box, care and/or medicine delivery until 31 July if you want them and have registered online by 17 July. If you have been recently advised to shield there is more information on the page below outlining on the support available to you below

the latest evidence indicates that the risk of serious illness for most children and young people is low. All children and young people should continue to shield until 31 July. A clinical discussion with your paediatric specialist or GP will be needed before any child or young person is removed from the shielded patient list. Health services will be in touch with children and their families over the summer, ahead of the new school term, to discuss what the new evidence means for them personally in the longer term. Families, carers and young people do not need to make immediate contact“

if you want them = no longer required, you have a choice.

nether · 23/07/2020 09:42

OO's update says that the GPs have no underlying health conditions

So the term shielding isn't relevant, because only those with the most serious conditions were assigned to that group (it is unrelated to age)

There are numerous threads which show that people who are not actually in the shield group co-opting the term, which muddies things for households which do have someone in the shield group (who are and even after 1 August will be advised to be considerable more cautious than everyone else, even though there are some new freedoms for us)

People are however free to choose their own level of precaution. If the GPs have for some reason elected to be strict, and only see one person at a time indoors (possible with isolation beforehand?) rpthen that is up to them. And I agree it would be shabby if OP's DC did not also get a week with them (assuming you can match whatever isolation other DGC had)

Can you ask around classmates, to see if you can, as massive favour, park your DC with them (on grounds they'll all be in same classroom soon) to cover the 3 days you still need cover for? You could pay, provide major much-wanted treat, or reciprocate?

2020wasShocking · 23/07/2020 09:43

@PlanDeRaccordement

Because my job moved us internationally a lot, we raised our 4 DCs without having any childcare support from family. We both work/worked full time. To me there is an element of you seeming to blame the GPs for not being willing or able to solve your childcare issue. I don’t think it’s horrible of them to expect you to be independent adults and arrange your own childcare.
You’re quite right- but why isn’t it across the bored? Why is it this view for one set of GD and another view for another set.
OP posts:
2020wasShocking · 23/07/2020 09:43

GC I mean

OP posts:
2020wasShocking · 23/07/2020 09:48

@PlanDeRaccordement

How does OP know GPs are lying about shielding? Their behaviour is consistent with U.K. shielding advice.....
I never said they were lying? I said they have no shielding letter. They are not in the vulnerable group. They are just using the word shielding, as are many people.

I thought that’s fair enough and that’s why they aren’t offering to look after my DC. So I was surprised to hear they have offered to look after other GC for a weeks holiday.

OP posts:
nether · 23/07/2020 09:49

no longer required, you have a choice

Food parcels have never been required, they were an option for those who could not get food any other way. I know thus because we registered on the hub on the very first day!

Sorry if I'm misinterpreting, but there really does seem to be a lot of confusion about
a) who is in the shielding group
b) what it meant at the outset
c) what it means now
d) what it is expected to mean once paused (there has been mention of further advice by then)
e) - even less relevant to OP than discussion of shielding now she's said the GPs are not - a whole separate paediatric document

RoseAndRose · 23/07/2020 09:50

"Why is it this view for one set of GD and another view for another set."

Do you actually want your DC to have a week's holiday with them (ie what the other DGC is having)?

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