Page 3 | To think you can’t really say you’re shielding....

2020wasShocking · 2020-07-22T23:11:09+00:00

So you can’t help out with childcare for one grandchild (when both parents work and are struggling for childcare but don’t want to lose job) ....but you have another grandson staying with you for a weeks holiday?

maddening · 23/07/2020 08:43

Yanbu, it is unfair of them. I also take it that these 3 individual days do not land on the days of the other gc staying?

However, when the GPs need help in the future they will need to ask their other child for help now as they have clearly shown where their loyalties lie.

HouchinBawbags · 23/07/2020 08:44

It depends on where the child is coming from. I recently had my mum up to visit as she has been shielding and stuck away from people for ages. This was fine. It felt like a reasonable risk.

Next weekend however DH, the kids and I have been summoned to take MIL and FIL to DBIL's (for an overnight stay) where his DS is currently away abroad on a teens holiday and then will be having a huge party for his 19th birthday when he gets back with over two dozen of his mates the day before we're due to drive down there.

My mum stayed a week. 24/7 close physical contact (she's severely disabled). Yet this one single night at the IL's seems like a massive risk in comparison so I'll need to cause a family stink now by saying we cannot go.

It's up to your MIL (or is it DM? I can't recall) to decide what risk she is willing to take.

KittyHawke80 · 23/07/2020 08:46

How much older than nine? When I was 10+, and was off school sick, I'd stay at home on my own.

Original poster

2020wasShocking · 23/07/2020 08:49

@Tinamou

I assume OP has sorted out childcare for the rest of the summer but these three days are still a problem.

Thank you for understanding 😊

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OoohTheStatsDontLie · 23/07/2020 08:52

I think it depends on how much at risk the two separate households are. If you're at work and your kids have been in school / nursery that's quite a big risk. If the other familys parents work from home and the kids havent been mixing with other kids then they pose much less risk. So I think it is less picking one grandchild over the other and more risk assessing and picking the lowest risk option. If course if the situations are the same in terms of parents and children mixing with others outside the home then yes I'd be annoyed

Bupkis · 23/07/2020 08:53

They are mid 60’s no underlying health conditions, not overweight etc... have they had shielding letters?

Mrsjayy · 23/07/2020 08:54

If they have no underlying health condition s not elderly why are they "sheilding"

Original poster

2020wasShocking · 23/07/2020 08:55

@NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite

"They’d be looking after mine for maybe 3 random days in the whole summer holidays, when we’re absolutely desperate and literally can’t do anything other than phone I’m sick." Literally can't do anything other than phone in sick? I don't think you know what 'literally' actually means? 🤣

Why would you phone in sick on 3 random days throughout the school summer holidays when you have no childcare? Why be dishonest? What's wrong with informing your place of work that you can't come in because you have no childcare? Can't you take annual leave or unpaid leave?

Just remember too that, in the event of redundancies, someone who takes random days off sick will be viewed in a poorer light than others.

I’m not going to I’m sick, but I’ve used all my holidays etc, I’ve swapped as much as I can except for these three days. I’ll just have to say I can’t go in.

If they make redundancies then I’ll probably be on the top of the list!

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Original poster

2020wasShocking · 23/07/2020 08:57

@Keeva2017

I think some posters are being deliberately obtuse op. Yes choosing to help one child and grandchild but not another is shitty however it’s dressed up.

You’re right Keeva, it’s often the way isn’t it?

And you’re right, dress it up as you like but it’s shitty really.

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Mrsjayy · 23/07/2020 08:57

Have you asked them could your child stay over night. What about the other parent why can't they phone in sick if your job is shaky

Clymene · 23/07/2020 08:57

FWIW I think it's really mean of them OP

InsertHilariousUserName · 23/07/2020 09:01

"I'm shielding" = CBA

YANBU, I would be annoyed too

zigaziga · 23/07/2020 09:02

The word is used very strangely.

I was staying with relatives recently and some further relatives showed up (which you wouldn’t do if you were shielding!) and of course they mentioned how they were taking it all very seriously and shielding and whatnot. This is despite going to the supermarket multiple times a week (as something to do) since the start and visiting relatives a few times a week since May or so.

In your case, I guess they have a right to not be your childcare if they don’t want to but yeah, their excuse is bullshit.

Original poster

2020wasShocking · 23/07/2020 09:02

@Gogogadgetarms

Why are they shielding if they have no underlying health conditions and are in their 60s? Have they even had the shielding letter or are they choosing to ‘follow’ the shielding guidelines for other reasons?

My DC grandparents have actually had the letter and choose to follow the shielding advice when it suits. Or not. Depending on which GC it is but this is nothing new for me - they’ve always been inconsistent in their treatment of the different GC.

I agree they are being unreasonable but there’s not much you can do. You won’t win any awards for pointing out their inconsistencies or the unfairness of the situation, you just have to decide whether their behaviour is something you want to expose your child to. At 9+ they are old enough to understand that their GP see their cousins and not them.

This is it, no they’ve not as any letter or anything. So it’s not that they’ve been picked out as a vulnerable group, they’ve just decided they are!

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Original poster

2020wasShocking · 23/07/2020 09:09

@Mrsjayy

Have you asked them could your child stay over night. What about the other parent why can't they phone in sick if your job is shaky

They’ve returned from last week Furlough so if they call in sick then they may loses they’d job and they are the main earner

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Mrsjayy · 23/07/2020 09:10

You didn't mention anything about that in your original post did you, were you just trying to cause a bit of drama they clearly just don't want to baby sit for you.

Original poster

2020wasShocking · 23/07/2020 09:10

Well that was jumbled up 😂 hope it made sense

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HouchinBawbags · 23/07/2020 09:12

I will say that despite the fact that it's up to the GPS to decide what risk is worth it, 3 days is fuck all and the they should just do it. It would grate on me and I'd be a lot less willing to go out of my way for them in future.

My ILs hugely favourite DH's DB and a lot of money goes their way from DH's parents (yet DB and DSIL live like royalty and have a shopping habit, completely redecorating (furniture and small appliances included) annually or more often than that. They blow through cash living in a John Lewis catalogue show home whereas we work and live in a council flat with furniture older than our teenager. We don't ask for anything but it makes DH feel like crap when it's al DB DB DB and never him. Yet guess who'll be lumbered with their old age day to day caring? Me as the closest female relative and DH, to a lesser extent, as he works more hours.

Sorry about my wee rant there but your post makes me think of it. Remember what people refuse to do for you and you owe em nowt.

Sunnyhopefulness · 23/07/2020 09:16

I feel so sorry for you OP - that’s pretty rubbish . Have your children got friends parents who would help you out ?

Redcherries · 23/07/2020 09:16

I think you need to take shielding out of the situation, they aren’t shielded! People who seem to want to be included in shielding as some sort of status drive me mad, they romanticise our situation.

I can see the higher risk if one set of grandchildren are from a house with no mixing and one from a working family but it is shit and I would be hurt by their choices too, as they aren’t shielded, if they were shielded I’d have more sympathy with their situation and choices.

LolaSmiles · 23/07/2020 09:17

Isn't there a difference in risk between having a grandchild added to their household for a week and having another child/children for odd days when that child will have been out and about and elsewhere whilst parents are at work?

It's up to them to assess the risks they're happy taking.

Original poster

2020wasShocking · 23/07/2020 09:18

@zigaziga

The word is used very strangely.

I was staying with relatives recently and some further relatives showed up (which you wouldn’t do if you were shielding!) and of course they mentioned how they were taking it all very seriously and shielding and whatnot. This is despite going to the supermarket multiple times a week (as something to do) since the start and visiting relatives a few times a week since May or so.

In your case, I guess they have a right to not be your childcare if they don’t want to but yeah, their excuse is bullshit.

Yeah that’s exactly it. I feel the ‘shielding’ thing is bullshit really. It’s when it suits I think.

The pair of them strolling to the local shops several times a week together is fine though... and god know what else they are doing that if you were truly shielding you wouldn’t.

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PlanDeRaccordement · 23/07/2020 09:18

get that one household is allowed but I think it’s shit to chose one GC over the other. That’s in theory what they’ve done.

Is it? Who asked first? Someone had to have asked them first. Most probably a case of they’d already committed to other Grandson when you asked.

Zaphodsotherhead · 23/07/2020 09:20

How random are the random days? Do you already know which days they are or are they going to be sprung on you?

Because maybe GPs don't want to have to keep their time available in case you need a sudden 'random day'. Maybe they don't want that tie on their time?

If you already know the dates, then it's different (although those dates may co incide with other things the GPs want to do). GPS have a life outside GC...

Although they should have explained this to you and not ummed and errred and blamed shielding.

Autviaminveniamautfaciam · 23/07/2020 09:22

I've had this in the past. My PIL say that "family" is so very important to them, but in the 15 years I have had DC, they have babysat for me, at my request, once and very reluctantly at that. They have asked for plenty of things on their terms and got some, but not all. A few weeks ago, my SIL who has zero responsibilities of her own, offered to baby sit for me. I laughed out loud. My DC are teens. Just to balance, my own family have never, ever babysat for me or helped me out with my DC. I've struggled, believe me.

I found it hard with zero support when my DC were young, but here's the thing, they get older. As soon as my DC were old enough and mature enough to stay home and look after a younger sibling I no longer needed anyone else. Even better once my eldest can drive.

Here's the upside. No one has helped me out and I am not going to help any of them out if they need it. You reap what you sow. You need to do what I did and make more friends and a better support network. Ask DC's friends parents if they can trade days for looking after DC/ playdates. Stack up brownie points with your DC's friends and trade favours. Look at the clubs available in your area.

By any chance is the other DGC their DD's child?