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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Forgive my sister or not?

86 replies

MrsRenard · 22/07/2020 20:30

I’ve spent the last 3 years caring for my Dad until he died in March. I did it with a willing heart but I nearly went under. I have 4 DC and I was working full-time but had to quit. My DSis has no children, works part-time but had only been married 1 year. Not only did she not help - which I could accept because although from the outside it looked like she was being selfish - tennis lessons and gym were often why she couldn’t help out - she actively made things more difficult for me. After actively ignoring me and being really nasty to me, now that Dad has died she is playing nice. I am finding it hard to forgive her. It feels wrong to just turn my back on her but on the other hand she not only took a back seat whilst I stepped up, she threw stones at me and made it harder. Forgive and forget?? or just move on without her?

OP posts:

SummerHouse · 22/07/2020 20:34

I think you need an honest conversation about this. But absolutely go in open minded and ready to forgive. For you and for her. Carrying burning resentment is like carrying hot coals. It will only hurt you.

Wearywithteens · 22/07/2020 20:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster

MrsRenard · 22/07/2020 20:39

I know what you mean. Drinking poison and all that. But it’s so hard to heat her say ‘how are you? Are you ok?’ . I would have given anything to have heard those words sometime over the last 3 years. Seems so empty now

OP posts:

Emeraldshamrock · 22/07/2020 20:43

Saying it won't change her unfortunately.
My youngest Dsis wasn't very available for DM's care.
DM died recently Dsis is devastated I mistakenly said I've nothing to feel guilty for it was with the intention to hurt her a little but she is who she is and her pain is real I really hurt her by saying it.
It didn't make me feel great either.

LordOftheRingz · 22/07/2020 20:46

I think your sister acted in a unloving way towards the situation with your father, it should have been better but it was not, that cannot be changed.

I would put it to you that you chose to help your father as much as your sister chose not to, that was a free choice. It's hard but having expectations that others will do or act like we do only leads to disappointment and resentment.

You loved your dad and went the extra mile for him, I would focus on the wonderful care that you gave him and congratulate yourself for that, and that you did it from that heart. A good concience is a valuable thing, your sister will learn, but it's not your job to make her.

I would carve out some time to recover yourself after your hard work.

Also your sister has freely shown her true self, and thats invaluable knowledge for you and how you choose to move forward in that relationship.

Sorry for your loss.

Original poster

MrsRenard · 22/07/2020 20:48

I tried to talk to her about it when dad was alive. She said she was prepared to visit once a week - he was living with us and this was a potential respite for me ... I said great, that would be really helpful as I can plan stuff (time with DD, etc). No, she said, I’m not being part of some stupid rota etc. I tried to explain how small my life has become And how I really could appreciate just a few hours off per week when I could plan and do stuff. She said I was a control freak and that she was in the first year of her married life.

OP posts:

FrenchBoule · 22/07/2020 20:55

OP,up to you what relationship you want with your sister.

She showed how fair weather she is in the time of family crisis.She chose to not get involved and watch you struggle.

“Stupid rota” comment I find really hurtful. You weren’t asking for a moon on a stick either.

Speak to her, you have nothing to lose.

RuggerHug · 22/07/2020 20:57

After your last post OP I would feel no guilt in being unavailable to her. She queries why, say you're catching up on all the tennis lessons, shopping trips and everything else she's been doing for years guilt free.

Original poster

MrsRenard · 22/07/2020 20:57

Thank you @Emeraldshamrock and @LordOftheRingz. I miss him terribly.
I guess what I’m finding hard to forgive is not that she didn’t step up - I accept that she has her own reasons - but that she actively made it harder for me. I can almost forgive her on a superficial level but when I think even quite hard about it, it just cuts me down .

OP posts:

Emeraldshamrock · 22/07/2020 20:58

@LordOftheRingz That's really good advice.

KarlKennedyisaterriblehusband · 22/07/2020 20:59

Your sister sounds awfully selfish. And sounds like she is making a bridge now because there will be no expectation to be of any help.

CillaTape · 22/07/2020 21:01

I wouldn't be able to forgive that sorry OP.

I would think about the relationship with her. Do you get anything out of it? Is she an attentive aunt, good emotional support, etc. How do you want the relationship to actually be and do you think that's achievable?
Have you actually asked her why she didn't help and how badly it affected you that she didn't help? Have you made your feelings crystal clear?
If so, how did she justify it?

Emeraldshamrock · 22/07/2020 21:01

@MrsRenard I know the pain and loss is unbearable.
My DM died in April I've a physical empty feeling but I try remember the loving moment's we had they're priceless. You have something your Dsis will never have remember the good times❣

WisestIsShe · 22/07/2020 21:03

@MrsRenard I absolutely wouldn't give her any of my time. What possible reason could she give for making you bear that burden alone? Plenty of excuses I'm sure but an actual reason?
You might think I sound hard but when someone shows you who they are, pay attention. Your sister has shown you hire important she thinks your relationship is. Protect yourself and move on to people who value you and contribute positively to your life.

LordOftheRingz · 22/07/2020 21:03

@Emeraldshamrock thanks, many years of learning to get there.

Brefugee · 22/07/2020 21:03

I wouldn't give her a second thought and carry on my life without her. But i really do know how to hold a grudge.

Emeraldshamrock · 22/07/2020 21:04

Getting back to your Dsis I'd have a little low contact break from her.
She can look after herself. Tell her you need some time take the time to spend with your at home family.

Emeraldshamrock · 22/07/2020 21:05

@LordOftheRingz

LordOftheRingz · 22/07/2020 21:05

@MrsRenard

Thank you *@Emeraldshamrock and @LordOftheRingz*. I miss him terribly. I guess what I’m finding hard to forgive is not that she didn’t step up - I accept that she has her own reasons - but that she actively made it harder for me. I can almost forgive her on a superficial level but when I think even quite hard about it, it just cuts me down .

It's early days, focus on your needs now, and grieving.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/07/2020 21:10

Did she dislike your father? And did she have reason to?

I'm asking because of the difference in how she's behaved to you (1) when he was there and (2) now he's not. The only difference is his presence.

Emeraldshamrock · 22/07/2020 21:16

(1) when he was there and (2) now he's not. The only difference is his presence
Or OP's caring empathetic nature is up for grabs again.
OP throughout your childhood and beyond would you say Dsis was naturally more self centred.

QuiteCleanBandit2020 · 22/07/2020 21:37

@WhereYouLeftIt

Did she dislike your father? And did she have reason to?

I'm asking because of the difference in how she's behaved to you (1) when he was there and (2) now he's not. The only difference is his presence.

I thought the same. Also the whole I have 4 DC, gave up my job and almost went under sounds very martyrish and lacking in boundaries. She might not want to give her Father personal care. Women are always expected to "step up"

NotMyFinestMoment · 22/07/2020 21:37

Personally I wouldn't be able to forgive her for what she did. She didn't just let your father down, she let you down too and at a critically important time. She knew what she was doing and IMHO, she was very calculated about how she went about it. It wouldn't have killed her to spend a few hours 1-2 times a week to give you some respite and see her dad at the same time, but tennis lessons and the gym were more important than a dying father and a struggling sister who was acting as a full time carer and desperately needed support herself (as in you). In my opinion, people don't change, they just get better at hiding their behaviour. Your sister let let you down when you needed her most and she had no qualms about it. I would have no qualms about cutting her off permanently. She made her bed, let her lie in it.

billy1966 · 22/07/2020 21:38

OP,

I think you need to focus completely on yourself, your grieving, your family.

I think your sister has shown herself to be exactly who she is.

I think you need to focus on you and not on putting yourself under pressure to move on from a long and deeply painful period in which you had such a tough time.

Your sister is well able to mind herself......I'd leave her to it.

Wishing you well.

Itwasntme1 · 22/07/2020 21:44

Your sister isn’t a kind or generous person. That will never change.

She will never have That light bulb moment realises you sacrificed huge amounts to care for your dad, and she disappeared.

She will see you as martyring yourself - you see her as heartless.

I would struggle to get passed this. Not only for how hurt your dad must have been, but that she wasn’t willing to help you when you were under so much pressure.

I think you need to explain to her all this, and let her react as she will. Afterwards you can decide what role you want her to play in your life.

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