Forgive my sister or not?

[MrsRenard]

I’ve spent the last 3 years caring for my Dad until he died in March. I did it with a willing heart but I nearly went under. I have 4 DC and I was working full-time but had to quit. My DSis has no children, works part-time but had only been married 1 year. Not only did she not help - which I could accept because although from the outside it looked like she was being selfish - tennis lessons and gym were often why she couldn’t help out - she actively made things more difficult for me. After actively ignoring me and being really nasty to me, now that Dad has died she is playing nice. I am finding it hard to forgive her. It feels wrong to just turn my back on her but on the other hand she not only took a back seat whilst I stepped up, she threw stones at me and made it harder. Forgive and forget?? or just move on without her?

She kept you at a distance purposely to avoid being asked to help out. She is selfish and, yes she was married only a year but. She has many i front of her. Her father didn’t. I think you need to tell her how her actions made you feel, hopefully resentment will dissipate.
I’m sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss op

You chose to take care of your dad and you're happy you did so, your sister chose another path, and that's up to her and something she has to live with. That's all fine.

However I'd be upset, in your shoes, that she chose not to help YOU, when you needed restbite. She's shown her true selfish colours and for that I'd not bother with the pleasantries. It's now up to you to decide if you want a relationship with her.

I think when parents die you lose part of the family, and not only mortality, but the need to have that family comes into question, and we have relationships with people because they are blood, rather than actually liking them, or because they are good people.

Take time out to grieve and look after yourself. Deal (or don't) with your sister when you feel able to.

Sounds like the help OP requested was for her sister to provide care for their father, to give OP respite. OP hasn’t specified what that might have involved. If, for example, this would have involved personal care, her sister may have decided not to do that. That doesn’t automatically mean she was behaving selfishly.

Suspect that a relatively small proportion of women in the UK are willing to provide personal care for older relatives. And a tiny, tiny proportion of men.

I will never do caring again. I helped with my grandmother and that was it. However she doesn't sound very pleasant at all. While I don't think anyone should be expected to care, she didn't visit or ever chat to you about how you were feeling.

The only thing I would wonder was what her relationship with him was like. A friend refused to visit or do anything for her father but he hadn't been that pleasant to her, where her sister was the golden child. They both recall very different childhoods. Just wondering if that could be a factor

"A friend refused to visit or do anything for her father but he hadn't been that pleasant to her, where her sister was the golden child. They both recall very different childhoods. Just wondering if that could be a factor"

That was what I was thinking too BarbedBloom. Sister had talked with OP about coming round weekly but backed off when OP made it clear she would treat this as respite for herself and sister would be caring for the father during that weekly visit. Sister wanted/was willing to spend time with OP, not with her father. Sister did say some unkind things at that point - could mean that she is unkind, could mean that she panicked about being alone with her father and said first thing that came into her head to block OP's plan. There's no way of knowing. Only OP's sister could know.

But to me, it's not a given that OP's sister is in the wrong. It may be that there are factors that OP has been kept unaware of.

I think when one person is willing to provide practical care and another isn't its hard to find a solution that seems fair.

A leopard never changes its spots, OP. Steer clear. She probably just wants to hang around for the inheritance now.

This is so hard and I don't know what to advise. However, I also have a difficult relationship with my sister. We've never argued/fallen out, but she has never made an effort with family at all. When my son was born, nearly 10 years ago, she cut me out of her life. I tried very hard for a long time to maintain contact, but it was apparent that she had cut me out of her life. I out this down to jealousy issues. However, after my daughter was born, my husband nearly died (was in a coma on life support) and she still failed to reach out to me. However, I do know that I focus on my family now and that I am largely indifferent to her. I do worry/fear sorry for her at times as she lives as a recluse and is clearly not happy. I think that tensions are always heightened around deaths. It sounds to me that she's immature/has far less life experience than you/is much less family orientated. As she has no children, she cannot possibly understand what 'busy' is like. I think that it's worth explaining to her how you feel, although she's likely to be defensive and it may not go well. Or you could just give yourself space to breathe and find that you just don't have the time for her now in the same way as before. Either way you want to avoid a major row or completely cutting her out as both options are stressful. Sometimes taking a step back for a while/few months or years can help. The door is still open for my sister to get back in contact, although she will have to be the one to knock. I feel like I will probably reach out to her if my mother/step dad passes on so that I can check that she's ok/ not alone in her old age as she really has no one else. But aside from that, I have no immediate intention of confronting her as to do so would only drag me down/be a waste of my energy. I'd just rather focus on all the positives in my life such as my own children.

P.s.sorry to hear about your relative. However, from my own experience of intensive care, not all patients in there are fighting for their lives etc. Out of the 28 beds in ITU, my husband was actually the most critically ill. Many other patients just needed a higher level of care than they would get on the wards. I appreciate that the term 'ICU' can instill fear, but it covers a fairly broad range of patients,some of whom are just in for a day or two under close observation. I also want to reassure you that intensive care is actually a really reassuring place to be. The level of care is top notch/world class and it's a really calm environment to be in. Many covid patients have needed to be there in order to have instant access to oxygen if required. So try not to panic. And sorry to hear about your Dad!

Great news! My BIL (DH of DB) is now - after 12 days on a ventilator and a subsequent few days stabilising - moving out of ICU to a general (COVID) Ward. I’m so so relieved ... thanks for all your thoughts.
Bee in my bonnet is this - beware ‘silent hypoxia ‘ if you have COVID - get a pulse oximeter because it saved my DBIL’s life!