Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Forgive my sister or not?

86 replies

MrsRenard · 22/07/2020 20:30

I’ve spent the last 3 years caring for my Dad until he died in March. I did it with a willing heart but I nearly went under. I have 4 DC and I was working full-time but had to quit. My DSis has no children, works part-time but had only been married 1 year. Not only did she not help - which I could accept because although from the outside it looked like she was being selfish - tennis lessons and gym were often why she couldn’t help out - she actively made things more difficult for me. After actively ignoring me and being really nasty to me, now that Dad has died she is playing nice. I am finding it hard to forgive her. It feels wrong to just turn my back on her but on the other hand she not only took a back seat whilst I stepped up, she threw stones at me and made it harder. Forgive and forget?? or just move on without her?

OP posts:
Atthebottomofthegarden · 22/07/2020 21:56

OP I’m sorry for your loss. How did she make caring for your father more difficult? You imply she undermined you in some way?

Did she disagree with you caring for him in your home, or think a different solution for his needs in his last few years would be better? (Speaking from a certain amount of family experience here - it is very hard to know what to do for best when elderly loved ones start to become frailer.)

randolph78 · 22/07/2020 22:10

I'm not convinced we know enough about the story to judge the sister. We can see that she did not help as you hoped she might. She seems not to have asked how you were over the past few years too but I wonder if she avoided that because that triggered conversations where you asked her to do practical things she was not willing to (which could be explained by a multitude of reasons other than her being selfish - I will never care for my dad if he needs it for example after he let me be sexually abused. I would set up care for him but I would not be doing it myself). You've not said how she was actively nasty to you and only you can decide whether those things are too much for you to forgive or not.

SunshineCake · 22/07/2020 22:13

Is she playing - as she's clearly not a genuinely nice person - nice because she wants an inheritance?

Sorry for your loss Flowers.

Redwinestillfine · 22/07/2020 22:16

Some people can't deal with death. Maybe ignoring the fact he was sick was her way of dealing. Either way it sucks. Talk to her and let her know how you feel.

Jux · 22/07/2020 22:17

Write it down, everything, every little thing. How you felt, how you needed her, everything. Your children missed out, your dh(?) missed out, every thing. All the things those couple of hours a week COULD have meant, could have changed, could have helped.

Then burn it.

Write it down again. Burn that one too.

You probably won't need to do it again.

Sorry for your loss. The death of a parent, no matter how much you expect it, no matter how adult you are with your adult life, still changes the way the world looks and feels for a while. It's easy to be lost but you do come back, you do find your way again.

NoParticularPattern · 22/07/2020 22:20

It’s shit and I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through it. I’m so sorry for the loss of your father too. I know exactly where you are coming from- you could find your way to moving on from her not wanting to care for him because that is her choice, but for her choice to also have been to make it intentionally more difficult than it needed to be is the bit that really sticks in your teeth. She’s shown you who she is and I think you should listen and distance yourself appropriately. Perhaps in time you may move on from all of it but

TrainspottingWelsh · 22/07/2020 22:22

What was their relationship like? What kind of a father was he to her growing up? Because if I had a sibling and they chose to care for my parents, I'd see that as their own decision and not one they should expect my support or help with. For very good reason I wouldn't/ won't care for my parents so if someone else wanted to it would be their lookout, I wouldn't feel grateful or that I owed them anything for it.

NoParticularPattern · 22/07/2020 22:22

Sorry pressed too soon.

But I think it’s totally fine for you not to as well. Her reasons are obviously her own but I don’t think there are enough reasons in the world to adequately explain deliberately making things more difficult. But that is unlikely to be how she sees it and I suspect that no amount of telling her will make her understand.

gumball37 · 22/07/2020 22:24

I helped my mom take care of my pap and then was there for her... Although we didn't know she would die so suddenly. My uncle (her brother, paps son) did nothing... Even lived in the same fucking house but I was coming up (as a single parent) with my kid before school/work to make sure things were taken care of.

We were never close but now I only talk to him a few times a year... Out of obligation 🤷

converseandjeans · 22/07/2020 22:25

I don't think I would necessarily fall out with her as such. Rather step back & focus on myself.
Is there money involved?

IdblowJonSnow · 22/07/2020 22:25

Focus on you, your family and your life now OP.
Not your sister. Shelve it, you dont have to make any decisions right now.
I wouldn't trust her or easily forgive if it were me but I think you've got better things to think about right now.
You did a lovely thing for your dad and I'm sorry for your loss. Flowers

back2good · 22/07/2020 22:28

"I'm sorry, sis, but I'm struggling to forgive 3 years of selfish, twattish behaviour from you while I did all the heavy lifting with dad. All of it. And you actively refused to help me. Your sister. So I'm struggling now that you are pretending to be nice. Because that is how I see it. Pretending. Because you want something from this."

Because she does. She wants to pretend she's a nice person, a good sister, someone who's there for you ... when she wasn't and she isn't.

I'd struggle to forgive.

senua · 22/07/2020 22:29

Is she playing - as she's clearly not a genuinely nice person - nice because she wants an inheritance?
I'm not the only one with a suspicious mind! I thought Mrs JustMarried might be laying the foundations for future babysitting requests.

Chloemol · 22/07/2020 22:30

I would send her a letter telling her how you feel, and that you are disappointed she couldn’t even support you for a few hours a week to give you sone respite

Then leave it to her and see what happens

I also would not be helping her out at any point in the future if she needed any help

Boohoohoohooho · 22/07/2020 22:30

Why was he living with you? Who’s idea was it? Was ther any financial gain for him living with you? Did you get the same amount from his estate?
What sort of care did he need?
Could he have paid for it himself?
Perhaps she thought it was your own fault for doing all the work?
Are there other siblings?
Perhaps she just didn’t like him as much.

TheStuffedPenguin · 22/07/2020 22:34

@MrsRenard

I tried to talk to her about it when dad was alive. She said she was prepared to visit once a week - he was living with us and this was a potential respite for me ... I said great, that would be really helpful as I can plan stuff (time with DD, etc). No, she said, I’m not being part of some stupid rota etc. I tried to explain how small my life has become And how I really could appreciate just a few hours off per week when I could plan and do stuff. She said I was a control freak and that she was in the first year of her married life.
Why was he living with you ? This is something you obviously agreed to ? Was she involved in the decision at the time ? Did he agree to help or did she think he would have been better in care ?
mommybear1 · 22/07/2020 22:34

Move on without her I'm afraid OP I nursed my mom and I'm now a sole carer for my dad my brother has been worse than useless - apparently partly due to the fact I asked him to take Dad out for a meal on 27/12 (my mom's birthday) to keep him busy as I was looking after my DS1 who had hand/food and mouth with breathing compilations - that was beyond the pail on my part- so he didn't speak to me for a year - and now we have an intermittent communication it's very sad but I've realised he's not the person I thought.

category12 · 22/07/2020 22:38

I'd probably be civil with her, because holding onto your anger won't do you any good in the long run and no contact can hurt to do, but keep her at arm's length as you cannot trust her to have your back.

If you think you'd be happier with very low/no contact then that's also a valid choice.

The chances are, she sees you as potentially useful as much as anything.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 22/07/2020 22:40

I think I'd find it hard to forgive to be honest. Especially given she hasn't acknowledged her part in your pain and apologised. Personally I find it easy to forgive if someone is genuinely sorry and very difficult to forgive if someone isnt.

But I would still want a relationship with my sister. Not a close 'family' relationship where you can 100pc be yourself and rely on them to care about and support you...but a 'it's fun to catch up sometimes' relationship where you don't have any expectations of her again.

I don't think there are any right or wrongs here though. Ultimately she let you and your dad down for no real reason and neither of you had the relationship with her that you thought you did. So to me, any relationship going forward will be on a new, different basis.

IJustWantSomeBees · 22/07/2020 22:41

What was their relationship like? Did she want him to live with you? What kind of things did she say that upset you?

Pixxie7 · 22/07/2020 22:43

You need to talk to her, there may be a reason she acted the way she did. Not everyone is able to cope with illness. However she is your sister and ultimately you will need each other at some stage. Forgiveness will free your mind, be kind to yourself.

Ariela · 22/07/2020 22:43

Is she being controlled by her new husband?

Dozer · 22/07/2020 22:50

Much here depends on posters’ attitudes towards care of elderly close relatives.

I love my parents and siblings very much, but live far away, and even if was local don’t think I would be willing to provide personal care. I would visit and provide money for help if could.

Very, very few men provide care. Lots of women are unwilling to do so too.

Have had difficult, frank conversations about this with my family.

A v good book on these issues is Being Mortal by Atul Gawande.

Bowerbird5 · 22/07/2020 22:50

Think about what your dad would want. Sometimes people can't cope maybe she couldn't. I would just forgive her.

CharityDingle · 22/07/2020 22:51

I'm sorry for your loss, OP. As others have said, focus on yourself now. You have been through a lot. She is of secondary importance. Think about how you want to move forward, in due course.

I know of a similar situation. Two stepped up, two avoided doing anything whatsoever. When the parent died, one of those who had done nothing to help, thought it would be a great idea for them to move into the parent's house. Didn't happen, but they had no qualms about suggesting it.
The two who stepped up, can honestly say, that while of course they grieve for the person who died, they have no regrets.