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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday - AIBU?

82 replies

claragolightly · 22/07/2020 13:48

Last September I was forced into agreeing to an oblication - holiday with overbearing IL who doesn't like me and the feeling is mutual. I have never wanted to go and my partner knows this. He doesn't really want to go either, but wouldn't tell his family as much so here we are. This is all by the by.

It's next month. Flights haven't been cancelled and ILs still want to go. Partner has said we have to go as we don't have a valid excuse not to.

I have been feeling very anxious about it. Firstly, I don't want to spend time with the ILs - she has stirred up a lot of drama during lockdown. Also, I'm an introvert and have been used to spending plenty of time alone / only in my partners company over the past four months and I will have no way of escaping / getting alone time during the holiday. It won't be at all relaxing, as I will have to do a lot of driving (an aside not worth discussing)

These factors would have been a concern before COVID, but I'd have got on with it to keep the peace. And I wouldn't be taking such a big dive from loads of solitary time to having to be "on" and with others 24/7.

Secondly, and this may sound daft, but a family member is a pilot and she faces redundancy. I do not want to get on a plane while she can't fly one. I would find it too upsetting. I have no issue with COVID/flying.

Finally, it's unclear what the rules are about testing / self isolation etc. I don't want to have a COVID test on arrival (holiday is in Greece), the thought of a swab makes me feel sick. I'd do it if I was concerned about having the virus, of course. I've read that if one person tests positive on a flight, everyone will have to self isolate. I don't know if that's true or not. I'm also concerned about local lockdowns - what if we get stranded? We have cats! I'd have to take my work laptop just in case. I don't want to fork out for extra accommodation / cat care in the event of this.

Would I be totally unreasonable to make a stand and say I'm not going? I feel like it might be. I realise this is such an insignificant problem in the grand scheme of things, but I'm feeling so stressed about it.

OP posts:
Howyiz · 22/07/2020 13:54

You know you don't have to invent or play up reasons not to go? The fact you don't get on with your il and don't want to go are legitimate reasons not to go. Let your partner and il go by themselves.

Rwoolley · 22/07/2020 14:06

As a grown up you can just say you don't want to go

You don't need an excuse

Just say no

Jesus Christ Hmm

JaniceWebster · 22/07/2020 14:09

YANBU at all, life is too short

apart from the I do not want to get on a plane while she can't fly one. I would find it too upsetting Confused

Hobbes8 · 22/07/2020 14:12

Is oblication a typo or is it a new word meaning an obligation vacation?

That aside...who paid for the holiday? Do you have insurance that would pay out even though the flights are going ahead?

Campingintheraintoday · 22/07/2020 14:18

Holidays are supposed to be a positive experience. Yours sounds like an endurance test.
Stay at home with your dcats seems a much better option to me...
Dh can go and be subject to his own family. No law says you have to..

Thehop · 22/07/2020 14:20

Just say you’re not going. Feck em.

BurtsBeesKnees · 22/07/2020 14:26

*As a grown up you can just say you don't want to go

You don't need an excuse

Just say no

Jesus Christ*

This with bells on it

Delatron · 22/07/2020 14:33

Just don’t go! You don’t need to come up with loads of random reasons like not wanting a swab up your nose!

I wouldn’t go on holiday with my In Laws full stop. They’ve even quite nice people just don’t want to holiday with them.

‘No I can’t go anym

BritWifeinUSA · 22/07/2020 14:34

They’re not holding a gun to your head - just tell them you’re not going.

Although it does sound like you are yet another that has been isolated for so long they are now anxious about going out and doing things that pose no greater risk than other things such as car crashes, etc. I have seen a few threads lately where people have clearly been affected by all this and are now scared to leave the perceived safety and security of their homes. Ask yourself what is it going to take for you to get back to your usual life. Life involves risks.

Your most valid reason for not going is that you don’t get along with them.

Campingintheraintoday · 22/07/2020 14:35

Brutal op but as they don't appear to like you their holiday won't be ruined by your absence will it?

Shoxfordian · 22/07/2020 14:35

If you've already agreed to it then you are unreasonable to back out now really

DappledThings · 22/07/2020 14:37

Is oblication a typo or is it a new word meaning an obligation vacation

I hope it's the latter. I quite like it!

GeorginaTheGiant · 22/07/2020 14:40

I agree that if you don’t want to go then say so. Your point about finding it too upsetting to fly because a pilot you know might get made redundant does sound utterly ridiculous though, sorry, so I would leave that out of any discussion. It sounds like you’re inventing silly reasons to say no, when you don’t actually need to.

The Covid situation is more than enough reason not to want to go to Greece next month.

Witchofzog · 22/07/2020 14:41

To not go because you don't want to spend time with someone where there is friction is fine. But to not go because a family member is a pilot and may be being made redundant is bonkers and I think you know that. What's next? Refuse to drive your car because another family member can't drive?

If you go to Greece you need to complete a Passenger Locator Form which will generate a QR code which determines if you will get tested. If you do get tested you will then need to socially distance - not self isolate. It doesn't matter about others on the plane as far as I am aware - you won't have to isolate if any of them test positive though I am not absolutely certain on that count

zafferana · 22/07/2020 14:44

FGS OP just don't go if you don't want to! Holidays are supposed to be fun. You're an adult, so make your own decision and stick with it and stop letting your DH guilt you into things you don't wan to do. If he wants to go away with his parents, he should do so. You are not obligated (or oblicated) to join them.

ZaraW · 22/07/2020 14:47

Secondly, and this may sound daft, but a family member is a pilot and she faces redundancy. I do not want to get on a plane while she can't fly one. I would find it too upsetting. I have no issue with COVID/flying.

I find that a bit of a strange comment. If you had a relative working in a supermarket, restaurant etc and they lost their job you wouldn't one? Makes no sense.

Just tell them you are not comfortable travelling and the possible issues that may occur. If they paid for you to go reimburse them.

ZaraW · 22/07/2020 14:48

wouldn't visit one...

tenlittlecygnets · 22/07/2020 14:49

this may sound daft, but a family member is a pilot and she faces redundancy. I do not want to get on a plane while she can't fly one. I would find it too upsetting. I have no issue with COVID/flying.

Hmm. Basically you're hunting up as many excuses as possible not to go, but this is one too far!!

Just say no. You're an adult.

dontdisturbmenow · 22/07/2020 14:51

Don't go if you don't want to.Could you oh go without you?

Whatever you do don't elaborate on reason. The not flying due to family member facing redundancy sounds fake. Would you really not fly if it was a holiday of a lifetime you've dreamed of?

HowFastIsTooFast · 22/07/2020 14:56

Can't speak for Greece oviously, but where I live we're testing everyone on arrival, and where there have been cases the people sitting immediately around them (so a row in front, behind and across the aisle) have been contacted and asked to isolate and undergo more tests at intervals, but definitely not everyone on the plane.

HowFastIsTooFast · 22/07/2020 14:58

To add, the thing about your relative that's a pilot sounds like you've scraped the barrel for an excuse, to be completely honest. I work in travel and am at risk of redundancy, but it wouldn't for a second cross my mind that any friends or family should therefore not go on holiday?!?

If you don't want to go, tell them you're not going. The excuses aren't required.

Original poster
claragolightly · 22/07/2020 14:59

Thank you for all your replies! It's good to get a range of opinions on the matter. (Brutal and not!)

It's not that I'm afraid of being out and about, it's that I enjoy spending time alone - either at home or pootling around the shops / elsewhere - and I'm not going to be able to do this at all. I'll have to be "on" all the time. I've spent a lot more time than I usually would on my own over the past few months, so it'll be a big leap, if that makes sense?

Oblication - I read this online and liked it...an obliged vacation. :)

I'm going to speak to DP about it again. Life's too short.

OP posts:
TeetotalKoala · 22/07/2020 15:01

The not wanting to get on a plane because a family member faces redundancy is batshit. I'd keep that one to yourself.

The rest is fair. Just say that you don't want to go. Cite Covid if you must give a reason. You're uncomfortable travelling at the moment. The ILs can kick and scream as much as they like. No-one can force you to pack a bag and go to the bloody airport.

I get the IL thing. For the first time ever we're doing an extended family holiday this year. Me, DH and two DC, my parents, and my MIL. The only slightly iffy relationship is me and MIL, but we are civil and there's enough of us to provide a buffer. My parents were concerned recently that they wouldn't be able to make it. My first thought was 'please don't leave me with my MIL'. Thankfully they are now able to come.

If you've paid your share, then the only person that loses out is you. Sack it off.

peanutsandpinenuts · 22/07/2020 15:05

YANBU

You don't need to go on holiday if you don't want to but don't make up reasons.

Sometimes we try and force things with families when its not there and we shouldn't... really, who benefits from you and your IL's having a stressy time abroad? Why bother?

Probably be prepared for some kick back from partner and IL's if you say no but it'll be worth it when you are not on a holiday that you don't want to be on.

37KAT · 22/07/2020 15:06

Hi. Using the family member being a pilot facing redundancy is a bit odd. Looks like you could be looking for excuses.
These are unprecedented times. I feel you should just say no due to the current climate....you don't need to get into the family politics about it.
Many people have similar anxiety about travelling at the moment and you make some valid points of real concern. Holidays aren't going to be the experience we're used to.
Just be cautious about committing to a future holiday.