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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be slightly pissed off at in-laws?

102 replies

E551 · 22/07/2020 12:40

So today my in-laws were looking after my daughter who is almost 3, while I was working. My partner told them that I would be home before lunch today so there was no need for them to make her lunch and that I would be picking her up on the way home from work.

My partner texted me to say that his parents had taken my daughter with them in the car to check on their other teenage grandchildren as they were home alone but that they shouldn’t be long. Anyway they still hadn’t arrived back when I was passing so I went home and asked my partner to give them a call and ask them to drop her off here on their way home, there was no answer. An hour passes and it’s about 15mins before lunchtime and I start to get a bit worried because surely they’d be back by now. My partner calls again, both mobiles and no answer. Anyway so my partner goes to their house and they arrive as he does at 11.55. I know people can be late at times etc. But it’s the fact that we couldn’t get hold of them worried me more.

So the reason I am pissed off more than anything is that they’ve taken my daughter in the car with them without any mobile phone. They’re in their early 70’s but they’re very fit and healthy for their age, but I do worry a bit sometimes that they might struggle a bit, but they would not be happy at all if they never got to babysit so I don’t want to take that away from them.

My partner had asked them if they took a phone with them and when they said no, he said they should, but knowing my partner how he is with his parents especially, he doesn’t ever want to go against them even when it's something to do with our daughter, but in this instance I think he should be a little stern with them that they went without any of their phones and what would they have done if they had am accident or whatever. We live in a rural place to so it’s not like someone might see them and call for an ambulance or whatever.

AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
angstridden2 · 22/07/2020 12:50

I’d be very put out if my son or daughter was ‘a little stern’ with me.

TW2013 · 22/07/2020 12:51

I can see that you got really worried but if they are otherwise fit and able I do think that you need to relax a little. It is not essential to take a phone with you everywhere.

CurtainWitcher · 22/07/2020 12:52

@angstridden2

I’d be very put out if my son or daughter was ‘a little stern’ with me.
Why? If you deserved it, why? Are you above criticism, for some reason?
MysteryParcels · 22/07/2020 12:53

Storm in a teacup. No need for a post on mn or to be so wound up about it, your partner told them he'd like them to carry a phone in future.

Bezzi · 22/07/2020 12:54

I can't imagine getting annoyed at my parents/in-laws if they took my kids out with them without a phone and were a bit late. I deffo wouldn't be telling them off for it.

AllsortsofAwkward · 22/07/2020 12:55

They've done you a favour either you trust them or don't and we're checking on their teenage grandchildren. Next time pay for childcare.

Lockdownseperation · 22/07/2020 12:55

They dropped her off before lunchtime. I don’t see what the issue is here. It would have been fine if you had asked them politely to take their phone so they can let you know in the future if they are running late.

audweb · 22/07/2020 12:56

You do realise that they grew up and parented children without mobiles? I’m not even forty and I grew up and went across Europe without my parents without a mobile. This is a ridiculous to thing to get worked up about. Just because mobiles exist does not mean that people are forced to use them or carry them at all times.

Bezzi · 22/07/2020 12:57

Also. Why do you communicate with them through your partner/their son and not just talk to them yourself?

DanielRicciardosSmile · 22/07/2020 13:01

When you or your DH told them youd ouck her up before lunchtime, did you or he mention that what you meant was (presumably from the timings in your post) 10.30am? Because of assume you meant more 11.45am which makes them only a few minutes late. They also told your DH where they were going.

Gatehouse77 · 22/07/2020 13:02

Can honestly say it wouldn't bother me unless there had been an emergency, which there hasn't. Even then, the chances are I'd know at the soonest possible moment and it wouldn't necessarily affect my response/response time.

If I'm willing to leave my children in the care of other people it's because I trust them to make good decisions. Otherwise they wouldn't be left.

SunInTheSkyYouKnowHowIFeel · 22/07/2020 13:02

If you are so concerned about their general fitness/ability to look after your child and their capability perhaps you should find other childcare, I don't think what they have done is such a big deal at all, not everyone is glued to their phones and people coped before phones. It was a mild inconvinience at worst, these people are grown adults who have raised their own children. If you generally trust them and are fine with them looking after your child then I think it might be best just to put this in perspective, in a couple of days you may feel differently?

livefornaps · 22/07/2020 13:04

If you pulled being "a little stern" with me after i had done you a favour which saved YOU cash on childcare, then the next time you wanted me to run round after you for a favour i would tell you to fuck right off.

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 22/07/2020 13:05

I think you’re overreacting tbh. They let your partner know they were heading out and they weren’t “late” as such, you just got wound up because you couldn’t reach them by phone. They’re not responsible for you imagining worst case scenarios.

Lots of my 70 something relatives are a bit hit and miss about having their mobiles with them. They tend not to be of the view that everyone needs to be contactable at all times and aren’t living their lives worrying about accidents etc.

From their POV you trust them to mind your child, they’ve and communicated to your partner that they’re going out. It’s unlikely they had any idea you were getting yourself wound up.

stoploss · 22/07/2020 13:07

This is not something to be pissed off at, or stern about.

You could ask them politely if they would take their phone with them when taking your daughter out in future.

They sound like great grandparents, looking after your daughter as well as checking on their older grandchildren.

PatchworkElmer · 22/07/2020 13:07

I agree with @SunInTheSkyYouKnowHowIFeel. Don’t leave your child with someone you thinks needs to be in constant reach of a mobile to be deemed ‘safe’ to care for your child!

I’m guessing they’re providing free childcare for you? I’d be pretty annoyed by today’s events if I were them. Your DH knew where they were, and they were back for lunchtime- what more do you want?!

yikesanotherbooboo · 22/07/2020 13:08

YABU .
I don't know what to say other than none of us can control every aspect of our or our family's life. Please don't tell able bodied adults what they should or shouldn't be doing unless it really needs to be said. Taking a charged mobile out is not at all necessary.

dontdisturbmenow · 22/07/2020 13:09

Why can't he just recommend that they took the phone. Maybe they just forgot on this occasion, each thinking the other did.

A stern telling off is totally inappropriate. They are not kids who've misbehaved.

Waveysnail · 22/07/2020 13:09

I would have gone home and put my feet up. She was with granny and grandad. They had let do know where they were going.

MooneyBadger · 22/07/2020 13:11

They are adults but you are treating them like children. They were thoughtful enough to make sure your partner knew where they were going.

They've been providing you with childcare so that you can both work. They even made sure they were back before lunch as requested.

I think you should be bloody grateful tbh.

SkyeIsPink · 22/07/2020 13:12

I really don't think they've done anything wrong. Forgetting a phone is a bit silly but I don't think it's worth being stern with them. You either trust them or pay for childcare like the rest of us.

saraclara · 22/07/2020 13:14

They kept in touch with your DH so that he knew their plans. They did nothing wrong.

If you want them to be connectable every minute of the day, then you need to pleasantly tell them so. And do it in a self deprecating way (I know everything's fine, but I've got so used to being able to contact people, so I tend to get a bit anxious when I can't) so that you're not giving them the impression you don't trust them.

saraclara · 22/07/2020 13:16

And another one saying you can fuck off with your 'a little stern'. I'm very willing to accommodate my daughter's wishes when I have my granddaughter, but she expresses them to me like one adult to another. Not as if I'm a naughty child.

back2good · 22/07/2020 13:17

It would bother me. Times have changed; mobile phones are cheap and widely available.

If they are travelling with your child in a car, they should have a phone with them.

angstridden2 · 22/07/2020 13:19

CurtainWitcher
No, I’m not above criticism but I rather like being treated as the adult I am, not a naughty child.