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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be slightly pissed off at in-laws?

102 replies

E551 · 22/07/2020 12:40

So today my in-laws were looking after my daughter who is almost 3, while I was working. My partner told them that I would be home before lunch today so there was no need for them to make her lunch and that I would be picking her up on the way home from work.

My partner texted me to say that his parents had taken my daughter with them in the car to check on their other teenage grandchildren as they were home alone but that they shouldn’t be long. Anyway they still hadn’t arrived back when I was passing so I went home and asked my partner to give them a call and ask them to drop her off here on their way home, there was no answer. An hour passes and it’s about 15mins before lunchtime and I start to get a bit worried because surely they’d be back by now. My partner calls again, both mobiles and no answer. Anyway so my partner goes to their house and they arrive as he does at 11.55. I know people can be late at times etc. But it’s the fact that we couldn’t get hold of them worried me more.

So the reason I am pissed off more than anything is that they’ve taken my daughter in the car with them without any mobile phone. They’re in their early 70’s but they’re very fit and healthy for their age, but I do worry a bit sometimes that they might struggle a bit, but they would not be happy at all if they never got to babysit so I don’t want to take that away from them.

My partner had asked them if they took a phone with them and when they said no, he said they should, but knowing my partner how he is with his parents especially, he doesn’t ever want to go against them even when it's something to do with our daughter, but in this instance I think he should be a little stern with them that they went without any of their phones and what would they have done if they had am accident or whatever. We live in a rural place to so it’s not like someone might see them and call for an ambulance or whatever.

AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
mygrandchildrenrock · 22/07/2020 14:07

What on earth did you think people did before mobile phones? I have one but it isn't glued to my side, I'm in my 60s not teens!

bananaskinsnomnom · 22/07/2020 14:07

Also did you give them a time or just “before lunch” ? Because I would translate lunch as before 12. I think most people would.

lakeswimmer · 22/07/2020 14:10

YABU - people have functioned for hundreds of years without mobile phones. I go out all the time without mine as do my children. DS who's 17 told me yesterday he hasn't switched his on since March! DH hardly ever has a mobile with him. We live rurally and one of the reasons we don't carry them is there's rarely a signal yet, despite this irresponsible behaviour, we've managed to raise three DC to almost adulthood without any major mishaps.

1moremum · 22/07/2020 14:12

you knew they were going from house to house checking up on the teenagers, if you were so worried, why didn't you call to check who they had seen yet, who they hadn't, and left a message for the grandparents to call you since they weren't answering their mobile?

It's the sort of thing we did before everyone carried a phone with them, and we didn't expect to be able to contact an individual at all times. We contacted their expected locations. That is probably what your inlaws would have expected you to do if you needed them and since you knew their plans. A lot of us, even those of us who carry our phones everywhere and have to check 6 different social media apps and whatever game we are currently involved with every half hour, still don't think in terms of others requiring us to be reachable at every moment of the day. if I forget my phone, I am far more worried about game timers than I am concerned about someone frantically worried that my age has done me in somehow.

diddl · 22/07/2020 14:12

@bananaskinsnomnom

Also did you give them a time or just “before lunch” ? Because I would translate lunch as before 12. I think most people would.
Yup!

11.55 is before lunchtime isn't it?

Zaphodsotherhead · 22/07/2020 14:13

What if they'd had their phone but hadn't heard it ringing because they'd had it in a pocket or bag?

Nobody is obliged to be available 24/7, even if they have a phone.

imperialqueen · 22/07/2020 14:13

E551 - you and your child are lucky that their are grandparents in her life who want to spend time with her. I think you should criticise less and appreciate more.

imperialqueen · 22/07/2020 14:15

I can see I didn't spell "their " correctly but I can't find the facility to let me go in and change of delete my comment. I am sure I use to be able to do this!

Alloverthegrapevine · 22/07/2020 14:19

DOD they know before they.made their plans fornthe day that you wanted DC back before mid day. They had already agreed to check on other DGC and still got back before the prescribed (new?) time. That was very accomodating of them IMO.

Quarantimespringclean · 22/07/2020 14:21

YABU. Mobile phones are not compulsory. She was safe at all times.

I can understand that you were a little anxious when you weren’t sure exactly where she was but since can’t be with her 24/7 you need to relax and let the other adults you trust to take care of her get on with things.

butterpuffed · 22/07/2020 14:32

Mountains and molehills spring to mind Hmm

Veganforlife · 22/07/2020 14:40

Thought you were going to say ,she was 5 hours late home ..
..she was home by lunch
They are doing you a favour ,

BrummyMum1 · 22/07/2020 14:52

If you don’t think your in-laws are capable of looking after your child in a safe way then you have every right to decide not to allow it. If you do allow it though, then you need to trust them, not nit pick and tell them off.

viques · 22/07/2020 14:59

Presumably they had a car seat for her , and didn't just lock her in the boot or leave her bouncing round on the back seat.? So they are ahead of the pack according to lots of posts I've seen on mumsnet about grandchildren in grandparents cars

Even if they did have a phone there is no guarantee that it would be charged up or get a decent signal , so I think you are being a bit silly OP. Was your daughter happy when she came home having had a nice morning with the gps and her cousins? I bet she was.

AryaStarkWolf · 22/07/2020 15:00

get a grip

AryaStarkWolf · 22/07/2020 15:03

I can see I didn't spell "their " correctly but I can't find the facility to let me go in and change of delete my comment. I am sure I use to be able to do this!

You can't, it's very annoying

sotiredofthislonelylife · 22/07/2020 15:04

@livefornaps

If you pulled being "a little stern" with me after i had done you a favour which saved YOU cash on childcare, then the next time you wanted me to run round after you for a favour i would tell you to fuck right off.
What a fabulous response - I love it!!!
Original poster
E551 · 22/07/2020 15:05

Thanks for all your replies. I think my mummy anxiety is through the roof since I’ve started back in work this week after being off with her since the lockdown started. So now I know I need to relax!

And with my comment about thinking my partner should be a bit stern with them, I think that wasn’t quite what I meant, more emphasise how we would prefer it if they wouldn’t take Efa in the car without them taking a phone. I know people have survived without phones before etc. But at the end of the day should anything go wrong at least if they have one of their phones with them then that would certainly help.

And I do appreciate their help, it’s not that at all. And I have considered a childminder but it’s them who insist that they look after her when I am in work.

I think some of the comments are a bit over the top, yes I might be over the top but haven’t we all had some sort of mummy anxiety before or grievance towards our in-laws or am I the first person ever?! Anyway, thanks all the same and I’ll try and be a bit more relaxed, but it would be nice to know if there was any a problem while my daughter was out in the car with her grandparents that should they break down or (hopefully not) crash, especially since there aren’t many houses or cars travelling around most of our area, that at least one of them has a phone to contact us or an ambulance should they need to.

OP posts:
Iloveyoutothefridgeandback · 22/07/2020 15:05

A lot of the older people I know hate mobile phones. They didn't grow up with them. They don't necessarily think to take them everywhere they go. They don't have the same desire to be in constant communication that younger people have.

Shizzlestix · 22/07/2020 15:07

What is it about people saying others shouldn’t post on here? If minor issues weren’t posted about, it would be a very boring forum. If you don’t want to reply, scroll on by.

I’d be annoyed if I’d said I’m picking her up en route home at x time then they weren’t there, that’s a pita.

AryaStarkWolf · 22/07/2020 15:08

grievance towards our in-laws or am I the first person ever?!

Not when they're doing you a favour and did nothing wrong.....no good deed goes unpunished comes to mind here tbh

Whoknowswhocares · 22/07/2020 15:09

Seriously OP get a grip! You sound incredibly controlling. A mobile phone does not make your daughter safer and if you feel she is unsafe, why would you leave her with the grandparents in the first place?
Plus, why if you were picking DD up and arrangements changed, did you need your husband to do all the texting and phoning on your behalf? Very odd.

laudete · 22/07/2020 15:11

If you're that bothered, maybe you can gift them a traditional Nokia brick (and a solar charger) for the car? Add £10 credit every (I think) 3-6 months so the number remains active. They can store it in the car and it'll be there for emergencies. It won't help you with everyday contact but you might feel reassured that they aren't stranded without a phone if their car breaks down.

MayDayFightsBack · 22/07/2020 15:14

OP you sound very anxious and it must be hard to feel like that. It's not that long a time that people have had mobile phones. When I was young I was out with my grandparents all day and my mother wouldn't have known where we were or what we were doing as there were no mobile phones. In my teens I gallivanted all over the place without a mobile phone. I survived!

ShellsAndSunrises · 22/07/2020 15:16

I’d be annoyed if I’d said I’m picking her up en route home at x time then they weren’t there, that’s a pita.

It doesn’t look like there was a time given, just before lunch, and OP knew they were going to visit other grandchildren... 11:55 is still before lunch.