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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be slightly pissed off at in-laws?

102 replies

E551 · 22/07/2020 12:40

So today my in-laws were looking after my daughter who is almost 3, while I was working. My partner told them that I would be home before lunch today so there was no need for them to make her lunch and that I would be picking her up on the way home from work.

My partner texted me to say that his parents had taken my daughter with them in the car to check on their other teenage grandchildren as they were home alone but that they shouldn’t be long. Anyway they still hadn’t arrived back when I was passing so I went home and asked my partner to give them a call and ask them to drop her off here on their way home, there was no answer. An hour passes and it’s about 15mins before lunchtime and I start to get a bit worried because surely they’d be back by now. My partner calls again, both mobiles and no answer. Anyway so my partner goes to their house and they arrive as he does at 11.55. I know people can be late at times etc. But it’s the fact that we couldn’t get hold of them worried me more.

So the reason I am pissed off more than anything is that they’ve taken my daughter in the car with them without any mobile phone. They’re in their early 70’s but they’re very fit and healthy for their age, but I do worry a bit sometimes that they might struggle a bit, but they would not be happy at all if they never got to babysit so I don’t want to take that away from them.

My partner had asked them if they took a phone with them and when they said no, he said they should, but knowing my partner how he is with his parents especially, he doesn’t ever want to go against them even when it's something to do with our daughter, but in this instance I think he should be a little stern with them that they went without any of their phones and what would they have done if they had am accident or whatever. We live in a rural place to so it’s not like someone might see them and call for an ambulance or whatever.

AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
Dozycuntlaters · 22/07/2020 13:19

YABU - they were back by 11.55 which is before lunch time and like someone else said, just because we all have mobiles we don't have to have them glued to us.

They brought up their kids in a time where there were no phones, they probably don't want to take it out and about with them and I imagine they think you are making a fuss about nothing....which you are. If you don't trust them, then pay for childcare, simples.

Charliecatpaws · 22/07/2020 13:20

So adults take grandchild out on car journey without mobile phone!!!! Sorry op you’re totally overreacting

SpookyNoise · 22/07/2020 13:22

I think you are overreacting somewhat.

MzHz · 22/07/2020 13:23

I get why you would feel anxious, your DC is only little, and you weren't with them.

HOWEVER... surely there MUST be a brain cell in your head that triggered the 'oh that's ok then' thought and then the next one to move on and carry on with your day.

You reacted completely OTT. Are you usually anxious like this? Have you spoken to anyone about it? tried Rescue Remedy or something?

I have a teen, I know how I feel when he goes awol for a while, he did it this morning, I was proper cross with him because he could have let me know what he was doing but didnt.

I know this is me being anxious and him being a teen. You knew your child was safe in all likelihood. You need to give your anxious head a good talking to when it starts to get like this. As they get older they get more independent.

BlingLoving · 22/07/2020 13:25

I understand why you want them to carry the phone but you are definitely over reacting.

Also, based on this, you said you'd be home before lunch, so it's not unreasonable for them to assume you'd be picking her up close to 12. But in fact for all this time to pass and them to still be home by 11:55, while you're stressing about it being "15 minutes before lunch", it sounds like you have a very strict, very early food schedule so I'm guessing this is part of why you were getting so worked up. Again, you need to dial this back.

I've had 2 children and I still don't really get this hysteria about feeding kids lunch by 11:00.... I'm sure your ILs definitely don't get it.

SummerPoppies · 22/07/2020 13:25

How on earth did people manage before mobiles?
I'm another one who would be telling you where to shove your ' stern talk '.
You knew where they were and what was happening, there is absolutely no reason to carry or even own a mobile if you don't want to.
If you can't accept that two grown, rational adults can do childcare without a mobile then I would suggest that you pay a childminder instead.

BurtsBeesKnees · 22/07/2020 13:27

PFB by any chance?

No mobile phone, heaven forbid! How did people cope in the 'olden days'

If they are fit and healthy and they already told you where they were going, I think you are being very unreasonable. Stern words over this might see you with no help from them in the future.

ineedaholidaynow · 22/07/2020 13:28

I assume they used a car seat

Wilko312 · 22/07/2020 13:29

It isn't a storm in a teacup. If there had been an accident or issue the GP wouldn't have been able to contact their son or DIL. When you take responsibility of a child you can't do a half assed job.

PotteringAlong · 22/07/2020 13:30

So the reason I am pissed off more than anything is that they’ve taken my daughter in the car with them without any mobile phone.

Really?!

BurtsBeesKnees · 22/07/2020 13:34

If there had been an accident or issue the GP wouldn't have been able to contact their son or DIL

Really, don't be so dramatic! is a personal mobile phone the only way to contact people! If it's that serious the police can contact the parents. Or the teenage gc they were seeing, or the AA if they'd broken down. Is society so reliant on phones that we can't function, go anywhere or contact people without them.

If the op has so little faith in the gp ability to keep the gc safe then maybe she should pay for a childminder in the future. If they were a little late I'm sure they'd have found a way to feed the child and not let dc starve

jessstan2 · 22/07/2020 13:37

He spoke to them, they won't go out without mobiles again. Put it behind you - and 1155 is hardly late for lunch, surely. I know that isn't the point but they had said where they were going and hadn't just disappeared.

ProtectAll · 22/07/2020 13:44

Really?
My DM and MIL rarely have their phones turned on, both are slightly better now they have smart phones but if they were out and about as you suggested then it would be buried in the bottom of a handbag and probably not charged. My DDad and FIL are more likely to have theirs on and accessible but not a guarantee and they wouldn't respond if out and about and especially not if in the car.
My DC are adult when they were young and either set of parent was looking after them I wouldn't have thought about tracking them down like you feel the need to. Nor would I have been concerned that they didn't have a phone if they broke down, but then we have areas of road here without a signal.
I have young nephews and nieces now and nothing has changed, and only ExSIL was bothered by this.

AteAllTheAfterEights · 22/07/2020 13:45

I thought you were going to say they took her out without a car seat.

Depends, did you tell them you’d pick up at 10:30 or before lunch?

Alsohuman · 22/07/2020 13:45

Just because mobiles exist does not mean that people are forced to use them or carry them at all times

This. I often go out without mine.

notacooldad · 22/07/2020 13:47

Are you short of something to whinge about ?
but in this instance I think he should be a little stern with them that they went without any of their phones
Really?😂😂😂😂😂

emmathedilemma · 22/07/2020 13:48

They're from a generation that grew up without the need to be constantly plugged into technology, it probably doesn't even occur to them that there's anything unusual about not taking a mobile with them. Or if they're anything like my mum they'd probably have it with them but turned off!!

thistimelastweek · 22/07/2020 13:53

It's not the main issue but why not communicate directly with the grandparents? If I were the grandparent in question, I think that might irritate me. Also, less scope for misunderstanding

littlefireseverywhere · 22/07/2020 13:55

I think it boils down to the question do you trust your ILs to look after their grandchild. I'd think if they've teenage grandchildren they're used to it and are involving her in their lives. I think I'd be quite pleased. If they arrived just before noon, it was hardly late.

NotIncandescentWithRage · 22/07/2020 13:57

My partner told them that I would be home before lunch today

my partner goes to their house and they arrive as he does at 11.55

I know people can be late at times

They were told you’d be home before lunch, so they arrived back before lunch and you then make out they were late?

Also, why the fuck can’t you call or text them yourself?

Sharpandshineyteeth · 22/07/2020 13:57

You need to stop being so rigid. They were looking after your DC and they were back before lunch. It’s all absolutely fine

Alloverthegrapevine · 22/07/2020 13:59

My parents made it very clear that they were happy, in fact delighted, to care for DC whuke ideas at work but that if I wanted everything done my way, I needed to pay someone else to do it. They weren't being difficult they just felt that if I was happy to leave DC with them, I should trust them to get on with it.

My parents are never contact able by mobile phone and if they arrived back by 11:55 they surely were back in time for lunch?

The whole thing seems like an uncessary drama to me OP.

bananaskinsnomnom · 22/07/2020 14:02

My grandparents took me out in the car and day trips all the time. Mobile phones are relatively new in the grand scheme of things. Yeah fine it was the 90s (got my phone in 2001 so had one from then on trips) but come on, they stuck to the time frame, she wasn’t in danger.

I’ve found the older generation are not as dependent on their phones as we are. It’s not always that vital thing to leave the house with. My dads in his sixties and doesn’t take it everywhere! And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Just breath and keep calm. They didn’t do anything wrong. I think the constant ability to communicate has caused so much paranoia when the facility is removed.

Jinx2020 · 22/07/2020 14:06

You are over reacting massively - no need for the drama.

OlaEliza · 22/07/2020 14:06

@E551

So today my in-laws were looking after my daughter who is almost 3, while I was working. My partner told them that I would be home before lunch today so there was no need for them to make her lunch and that I would be picking her up on the way home from work.

My partner texted me to say that his parents had taken my daughter with them in the car to check on their other teenage grandchildren as they were home alone but that they shouldn’t be long. Anyway they still hadn’t arrived back when I was passing so I went home and asked my partner to give them a call and ask them to drop her off here on their way home, there was no answer. An hour passes and it’s about 15mins before lunchtime and I start to get a bit worried because surely they’d be back by now. My partner calls again, both mobiles and no answer. Anyway so my partner goes to their house and they arrive as he does at 11.55. I know people can be late at times etc. But it’s the fact that we couldn’t get hold of them worried me more.

So the reason I am pissed off more than anything is that they’ve taken my daughter in the car with them without any mobile phone. They’re in their early 70’s but they’re very fit and healthy for their age, but I do worry a bit sometimes that they might struggle a bit, but they would not be happy at all if they never got to babysit so I don’t want to take that away from them.

My partner had asked them if they took a phone with them and when they said no, he said they should, but knowing my partner how he is with his parents especially, he doesn’t ever want to go against them even when it's something to do with our daughter, but in this instance I think he should be a little stern with them that they went without any of their phones and what would they have done if they had am accident or whatever. We live in a rural place to so it’s not like someone might see them and call for an ambulance or whatever.

AIBU to be pissed off?

I've read this before. Practically word for word. Have you posted about this before op?