Feeling left out. Alien at the school gates.

[Cherrycolaxx]

My best friend always got abit anxious/paranoid on the school run. There were 2-3 mums she would say to me thought they were better than us/ignored us. I didnt see an issue and used to say not to worry and just chat to people who are nice to you. We were just dropping off and picking up the kids from school. It was an issue my friend had because the women was pretty and always dresses for the gym. I think she felt insecure. Even though she also does the gym.

She still had a few mums on her Facebook from the playground. So she had obviously swapped names. Id added a couple that I'd got to know too. But she remained anxious about certain mums.

In lockdown she chose to send her child. I kept mine off. She said to me on the phone the other day the blonde mum she always called a rude bitch to me etc was actually nice. I then noticed she's added her on Facebook. She's walked to school one morning with another one that approached her at the gates. She also didn't like this women at all and said she was rude..... Which she was one day after school when my child fell over on the path. She glared at us as I was helping my daughter up and pushed past. She did do it in an abrupt way. But I didn't particularly care. She's also added her onto Facebook. She's also added the best friend of the first lady she didn't like too.

My friends nice in every other way. I'm just feeling abit unconfident about September and now she's made friends with many of the mums our kids are in class with, having spent half the year slating them. I don't feel jelous about it. But it's made me see my friend differently. I normally feel very protective of her. But she's been swapping full names and getting to know them and I suppose I feel left behind now. I've always smiled and said hello but I never pushed further with conversation to support my friend who was worried to go to the gates some days. She felt judged and uncomfortable.

I took my child into school for a session yesterday too. The mums I used to speak to all were friendly. But their kids all have started doing dancing together. They were arranging uniform and I felt abit alone even though there was no nastiness. It was like they all were close. Their kids seem very close too. My daughter is close to my friends son but is yet to be close to any girls. She seemed to mix a little with some girls but she never seemed to have the bestie that the others all made. I just hope she will find some friends in September as it feels like everyone else's children have got strong friendships already. Some of the girls were waiting to see a particular friend and it felt my daughter didn't have that.

Would you feel annoyed at a friend suddenly befriending the women she had slated to you for so long?

I feel like I've been locked away since march and cut off. So I guess I do feel I've missed out.

Meh

Feel free to tell me I'm pathetic

How old are the DC's? It's a bad time really with covid because all the parent socialising for us usually gets done at birthday parties. You're not alone. For everyone who you can see being matey there's an equal number usually who are dropping to breakfast club and picking up at after school club.

Adding people on FB is a good thing. You're acquaintances and need to get to know each other better. Why don't you add them now?

They're probably really nice!

You’re not being pathetic - you’ve been a bit too soft with your friend though and put all your eggs in one basket rather than be truer to your more friendly confident self.
Your daughter will be okay. Friendships go hot and cold. Why not suggest a playdate with someone - when conditions allow - and branch out a bit yourself.

YABU!!
People are allowed to change opinions and make friends! If you want to be friends with others, ask your friend to introduce.

Other people being friends with each other isn’t being unkind to you. You write as if these randoms at the school gate owe you something and if they do not come over and initiate friendship they are at fault. That’s not how life works. I made some brilliant friends at the school gate but it’s a gradual thing and only works if they like minded anyway.

Hi they are 5. Yeah I add people but I've not particularly spoke to this group of mums yet. Just said hello and smiled. Maybe they will speak to me in September too. I'm just abit annoyed that my friend has left me behind when I was keeping my distance to help her. I'm being silly I know. I'm sure I'll feel less out of it in September

YABU. It's good that your friend has made more friends. None of them have been rude to you. Give it a bit of time and you'll make new friends too.

I thought so..... Thanks.

Your friend sound like a dick. Drop her and make some new mates.

Is this friend your actual best friend or someone else you've met at the gates? If she's your actual best friend I wouldn't worry too much I'm sure she'll still be with you on a morning but maybe things will be a bit more open with everyone now hopefully.

YABU

but you’ve also learned a lesson.

If you were holding back on making other friends because you felt it was somehow better for your best friend that it was mostly just the two of you, you’ll know for the future never to allow one person’s anxieties or standoffishness to prevent you from being open to widening your circle.

As you’ve discovered, you could have been also making new friends this whole time but as you’ve chosen not to for your friend’s sake, now she has rightly branched out and you’re left out unless you start making the effort too.

No yanbu, -she wanted the validation of this woman's friendship and used an actual real friendship to vent her anger that she wasnt getting it.
Dont be drawn in.

School gates can be s nightmare!

Plenty of rich smart mums were lovely to me, but when you were a single parent without a job or a husband, the vaccuums wont talk to you because how could you validate them?

What's all this nonsense about not talking to them before because your friend wasn't? Are you sure you're the mum and not the 5 year old? Just talk to them, be polite, encourage your daughter to talk to whoever she wants. If you don't make friends then you don't, see your other friends anyway. Sorry to sound harsh but this does seem a bit silly op.

The history of Playground Mum Politics is littered with anxious mums who want to fit in and be liked, constantly comparing themselves to others. Why do women do this? Less focus on what your friend is doing if it’s makes her happy and more focus on what you can control - doesn’t sound like you have any real issues, let your daughter do her thing, she’ll make friends - and you carry on being pleasant and make connections on fb if that’s what you want. Message one of them about dancing if your daughter is interested. The rest will come.

I never understand this school gate drama. If you speak to people you don’t know yet, the vast majority of people will respond politely. I think it usually takes quite a while to move beyond small talk to ‘friends’ in these situations.

You won’t like every parent in your child’s class, and they won’t all like you. That’s life.

Grow up for God's sake.

Hopefully a benefit of schools stopping parents hanging around at the school gates next year is it will stop all the Mummy politics that goes on!

So your friend spent half the year slagging off women she doesn't even know, now she realises she was being a dick, you joined in because apparently you're 12 and you're asking if you're being unreasonable?! Grow up, maybe all the other women are friends because their children went to nursery together, do they have to include you?
Take your child to school, go home, go to work, make some genuine friends, or you're going to spend until she's 11 very unhappy.

I've never understood this silly school mums thing, I thought the kids were the ones supposed to be having all this palarver.

Yabu, and honestly it's a little childish. I really struggle with playground parents as often the behaviour is worse than that of the children.
Talk to your friend if you're honestly bothered, but you chose not to send your child to school she did send hers. It makes sense she got chatting to some of the other mums and perhaps they aren't as horrific as you both thought. Perhaps you've learnt a lesson to not judge other mums just from a few encounters.

Op this smacks a bit of “you’re my friend so you can’t be anyone else’s” that we see with some school kids.

You can’t expect your friend to be only your friend so I think you know you’re being a bit immature. It’s up to you if you socialise at the school gates but you need to try to control your behaviour as you don’t want any of this impacting your child.

It’s her turn for school. And if you want friends then likely the school gate isn’t the place to go hunting, but be warm and sociable and you’ll be fine.

I must admit my DD has benefitted from the smaller numbers of children at school (7 from her class) and made much stronger friendships. Asking for play dates with children she didn’t use to spend time with.
I’ve also managed to spend a few minutes each morning and afternoon speaking to their parents who I didn’t know before and it’s been really nice for me because I usually get lost in the mix of 29 other parents, childminders, after school clubs etc.
I’ve really enjoyed the different dynamic.

I guess come September you hope she still values your friendship and if she ignores you/leaves you out you apply the advice you initially gave to her to just chat to the people who are nice to you.

This is a reason why I wouldn't listen to others opinion regardless if they're a good friend or not, until i make my own mind up. It's very teenage behaviour (your friend).

One of my friends cut contact with my other friend (due to her not being nice or just mouthy) but one friend (mouthy one) expected me to drop the other friend, without directly asking, I refused and she lost her shit with me. I let her cool down and basically told her to stop projecting her crap onto me. She apologised, could have went either way. Im still friends with both. I respect each person has different personalities and traits. I will judge and make a decision of whether I want a friendship or not. Nobody else.

My advice is, take this as a lesson learned. Dont go with the crowd because of their insecurities/inability. Encourage and challenge their assumptions. Otherwise, your not gona meet new people or build relationships.

I have a friend who done this op. Not at the school gates though. She is now so distant and bothers with the ones she said were the worst now. People can be so two faced. It was like once she got into this group of girls I was dumped. I just laugh at it all now. School will be so different for all children this new term. Move on. Be polite but watch what you say around said friend about the other school gate mums.

I speak to a few mums and I don't have any issues with anyone. I've always smiled and said hello to the mum my friend disliked

She is my long-term bet friend.

I will be fine in september. I have no plans to cause any drama. But I just thought how things have changed. Ofcourse she can make friends. She's not just my friend. She has made some friends already anyway. We both know a couple of the same mums. But what's bothered me is how she's befriended all the ones she's not had a good word to say about. Ofcourse she can be friends with them.

I'm not trying to search for friends. She was insecure about her looks and condfidence Vs these girls. One day she said she couldn't face going around the corner to the gates. I encouraged her and told her she has nothing to worry about.

But you are right its great she's made new friends. Sorry I came across wrong.

Lots of Mums will already be friends as they have older dc who have been in school together, if this is your eldest then you're late to the party.

Doesn't mean it's an inpenetrable fortress though.

I'm not especially bothered about making school gate friends, but I slap a smile on and get stuck in as it benefits dd as we arrange play dates etc that she may not be invited to.

I've actually realised that most Mums are lovely and have been out for drinks a few times with them, which is nice (but my social life doesn't depend on it IYSWIM, which makes for much less pressure).

Stop worrying about what your friend is doing.

September will be a whole new landscape for school gate interactions, don't spend the summer worrying about it all.