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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feeling left out. Alien at the school gates.

109 replies

Cherrycolaxx · 22/07/2020 07:24

My best friend always got abit anxious/paranoid on the school run. There were 2-3 mums she would say to me thought they were better than us/ignored us. I didnt see an issue and used to say not to worry and just chat to people who are nice to you. We were just dropping off and picking up the kids from school. It was an issue my friend had because the women was pretty and always dresses for the gym. I think she felt insecure. Even though she also does the gym.

She still had a few mums on her Facebook from the playground. So she had obviously swapped names. Id added a couple that I'd got to know too. But she remained anxious about certain mums.

In lockdown she chose to send her child. I kept mine off. She said to me on the phone the other day the blonde mum she always called a rude bitch to me etc was actually nice. I then noticed she's added her on Facebook. She's walked to school one morning with another one that approached her at the gates. She also didn't like this women at all and said she was rude..... Which she was one day after school when my child fell over on the path. She glared at us as I was helping my daughter up and pushed past. She did do it in an abrupt way. But I didn't particularly care. She's also added her onto Facebook. She's also added the best friend of the first lady she didn't like too.

My friends nice in every other way. I'm just feeling abit unconfident about September and now she's made friends with many of the mums our kids are in class with, having spent half the year slating them. I don't feel jelous about it. But it's made me see my friend differently. I normally feel very protective of her. But she's been swapping full names and getting to know them and I suppose I feel left behind now. I've always smiled and said hello but I never pushed further with conversation to support my friend who was worried to go to the gates some days. She felt judged and uncomfortable.

I took my child into school for a session yesterday too. The mums I used to speak to all were friendly. But their kids all have started doing dancing together. They were arranging uniform and I felt abit alone even though there was no nastiness. It was like they all were close. Their kids seem very close too. My daughter is close to my friends son but is yet to be close to any girls. She seemed to mix a little with some girls but she never seemed to have the bestie that the others all made. I just hope she will find some friends in September as it feels like everyone else's children have got strong friendships already. Some of the girls were waiting to see a particular friend and it felt my daughter didn't have that.

Would you feel annoyed at a friend suddenly befriending the women she had slated to you for so long?

I feel like I've been locked away since march and cut off. So I guess I do feel I've missed out.

Meh

Feel free to tell me I'm pathetic Blush

OP posts:
PolaDeVeboise · 22/07/2020 08:21

Sorry, have never understood this mentality. I'm quite happy to stand on my own and wait. If someone speaks to me, of course I'll speak back, but I have no desire to make friendships with people simply because we stand at the same place at the same time.

GinDrinker00 · 22/07/2020 08:21

Find it a bit weird you didn’t make friends with them at the time just because she didn’t want too. Come September just make more a effort with them, simple?

rottiemum88 · 22/07/2020 08:22

@choli

Grow up for God's sake.
Afraid this is pretty much what I was thinking too. You're the adult in this scenario. What hope is there for the children if this kind of stuff bothers their parents Confused
VeniceQueen2004 · 22/07/2020 08:22

Oh my God this school gates thing sounds like a nightmare. Is there any penalty for my child if I just... Drops her off and pick her up? Because left to my own devices that's what I'd be inclined to do, not make random chitchat with s bunch of people who literally the only thing I have in common is having a school age child. The idea that I'm supposed to revisit my teenage years and angst about who likes me and who I'm "friends" with makes me do a full body cringe.

Cherrycolaxx · 22/07/2020 08:23

@Debbielovesthewineandchoc

It's just odd. It's like she behaves differently when I'm not around. Which is silly because she doesn't need to. I don't notice things. I just take my child to school. Smile and say hello. The parents with kids in my kids class have a little chat and I chat to them. That's about it. But she was really focused on this women for months. So yeah I am abit "wow that's two faced" about it all. But apparently that makes me childish. I guess I just expect people to not go back on their attitude. Dislike people if there is a real reason. Don't dislike for petty reasons and don't be two faced about it. I can't prove myself on a mumsnet post. But I have high morals with these things. I have no time or energy for drama. It's great she's spoken to them. But adding them on Facebook from a chat seems like all along she secretly envied her and wanted to be her friend. It's a shame she basis her feelings towards people on looks. The one she walked to school with the other day she said she didn't want anything to do with her. I said well drive if you don't. She said she didn't like her. Then she said the walk was "alright"

I don't know. I can't read her anymore.

OP posts:
Parker231 · 22/07/2020 08:23

This type of thread always makes me glad I didn’t do school gates as we used breakfast and after school club. Just be pleasant to everyone. Some you will like, others not. It’s not essential to be friends with the parents of your DC’s classes.

Pesimistic · 22/07/2020 08:23

Your freind obviously realy wanted to be in their group,I would be a bit pissed off for a few days that I'd been dropped for the 'popular' ones, but that's he way some people work unfortunatly, they still have issues from their school days and desperately still want to be relevant. I personally havent got time for that.

GreyGoose1980 · 22/07/2020 08:25

Hi OP
Sounds like you have over invested in your best friends feelings and insecurities and maybe put all your eggs in one basket a bit.

You have never had an issue with these other mums yourself so just focus on being confident and friendly and get to know them too in September.

MsTSwift · 22/07/2020 08:26

She sounds very odd. Concerned about her looks and confidence at the school gates?! God I used to go in my painting clothes when decorating! Are you both very young?

Cherrycolaxx · 22/07/2020 08:27

@Parker231

Sounds tempting. I am thinking of an after-school school club if this virus ever allows it.

There is no drama to be fair. It's just she's gone over to the side of "oh she's really nice" she gets anxious like me.... after her gritting her teeth and calling her a bitch when she's walked past us.

Oh well. We will probably meet new faces in September.

OP posts:
Nitpickpicnic · 22/07/2020 08:28

You’ve got a lot of ‘school gate’ years ahead. My experience is that some years- and some terms- you get lucky and some you don’t. Find yourself with a standoffish group, or an over sharing group, or a group that all seem to be connected through other activities? Just wait for the wheel to turn. It always does.

Whether the school has 1200 kids or only 12.

Be yourself, support good friendships outside of school circles, and take opportunities to help at the school. Good people will turn up. And if they don’t, it isn’t the end of the world.

maxdash · 22/07/2020 08:29

Sounds like blonde woman was part of the "in crowd" and your friend wants to be in with the in crowd, slating her was just her way of dealing with not being 'cool'. Very school playground!

it is threads like this which make me grateful that we use so much wrap around care!

butterpuffed · 22/07/2020 08:31

@ConstanceSalinger

Your friend sound like a dick. Drop her and make some new mates.
She isn't. She's branched out and made some new friends in the absence of OP.
Sirzy · 22/07/2020 08:32

So basically two people didn’t get on for no reason. They got a chance to chat and realised that actually the initial dislike was misjudged.

No need for any drama at all

Debbielovesthewineandchoc · 22/07/2020 08:33

Exactly. The way she had reacted to disliking the woman and now they are all friendly. It's a deja vu from my situation. I have honestly had to watch what I say in front of my 'friend' . I am actually trying to cut her out of my life but it's hard. I am very close with her partner who I have been friends for years with. So now I just tolerate her. Move on op don't let her annoy you or give another thought to her immature behaviour anymore. What I noticed as a red flag was the way she spoke about everyone around me in a bitchy way. God knows what she says to about me. If your friend does this too stay clear.

Patch1972 · 22/07/2020 08:33

Why don't you get a grip and stop acting like the stereotypical 'mum' getting involved in school ground politics!

Sunshineandflipflops · 22/07/2020 08:34

Sorry, have never understood this mentality. I'm quite happy to stand on my own and wait. If someone speaks to me, of course I'll speak back, but I have no desire to make friendships with people simply because we stand at the same place at the same time.

This.

I made one school mum friend in the whole time both of my kids went to primary school and that is my dd's best friend's mum. I actually stood away from most of the others as I couldn't be arsed with it all and was just there to pick my child up and go home, not make new life long buddies. I also worked p/t so didn't do the school run much and there was a real clique of those who were there every day and would then go to each other's houses after, etc.

I had some of them on fb so I at least looked like I was making an effort but really...you don't have to be best friends with these people because you have children the same age. It's not a requirement.

Also, your friend sent her child back, you didn't so it's inevitable she was going to come into contact with and talk to other people in your absence.

Cherrycolaxx · 22/07/2020 08:37

Wow no need to be rude.

So if your best friend behaved like this. You wouldn't mind or care? You would be like how lovely she's made new friends?

It's fine but after months of her name calling them I don't know how she can do it. I couldn't do it. I couldn't just say oh I like her now so ignore everything I've said to you about her.

She stands in a separate part of the playground to me so I wouldn't have been able to chat to her last year. Our kids come out different doors. My friend stood with her. So she wasn't in my part. I always smiled and said hello when we walked past eachother in the street though. So I've not snubbed her. I thought my friend was being silly. I have never stopped to speak to her in the street for this reason as my friend would have been really anxious to see me do that. But now she's her friend it's ok! All is forgotten.

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 22/07/2020 08:46

We’re all guilty of mis judging people. The two people I’m now closest to at work were people I didn’t like initially, but once I’d really got to know them, my opinion changed. I know I sometimes give off poor initial impressions myself, without being aware. I’ve been told I come across as snobby and standoffish when in fact I’m just a bit of an introvert and a bit shy, and I have to get to know people properly over a period of time before I feel comfortable. You made a decision not to return your dd to school when you could do, and your friend probably then felt pushed into making more of an effort to get to know the other mums as she no longer had you there. You will probably be able to get to know them yourself once September comes.

Pinkdelight3 · 22/07/2020 08:49

Sometimes people we dislike a lot at first end up being best friends - there's often something about them that is like us and we recoil from that initially, but in time discover that they're very compatible friends. At uni or work, we sometimes gravitate to some people for the first term but the real lasting friendships take longer to form and can be with people we'd initially felt an aversion to. Haven't you ever changed your mind about someone after a while? That's all it is. She was wrong and now she knows them better, so that's all good. It would only be two-faced (though that term is for kids) if she was still slagging them off.

Cherrycolaxx · 22/07/2020 08:51

@Debbielovesthewineandchoc

She is very naturally insecure. One of the comments she made once was I bet they think my son's a tramp. I was abit like huh??? About it. She has a heart of gold and has a hard time in the last few years. Maybe she has let her confidence push her to a place of being defensive and choosing to attack to try and justify how she feels. Out of all the parents she could have spoken to she's ended up talking to the ones she's been so rude about. Which sounds like she just felt unattractive and uncomfortable around them.

Sounds like your friends alot worse. I try and not slag anyone off for silly reasons. I don't like name calling and stuff. If there is a reason then that's different.

It's funny because most people on here think I'm childish and she's fine.so perhaps me and you are a rarity and is quite normal to behave like it. Who knows.

OP posts:
CodexDevinchi · 22/07/2020 08:56

Cherrycola this scenario would have played out a million times over at schools every where.

You just carry on doing you and make friends at the school organically ratber than feeling desperate to be in the ‘in’ group like your friend. I’d bet that when September starts she will be back to being on the circumference of the group.

My kids start a new school in September and I’m planning on head down, in and out because play group politics happen at every school!

lottiegarbanzo · 22/07/2020 08:58

I can understand you feeling left out and cut off. That's normal at the moment.

Your friend has got to know people and found out they're ok. That's a good thing.

VioletGrace · 22/07/2020 08:59

Hmmm as she's slagged them off so much and is now best of friends with them I'd actually be a bit wary that she might actually be slagging you off to them now she's mates with them.

Sometimeswinning · 22/07/2020 09:02

Everyone is always above certain types of behaviour on here. Far too good to be friends with school parents or question anything!

I have an anxious school/football mum. It's never held me back being social but I do kind of have to remind her that she over thinks on these other parents and needs to remember she has a her own group.

It has probably been envy and jealousy all along on your friends behalf. She wanted to be part of their group and is desperate to get in with them.