Feeling left out. Alien at the school gates.

[Cherrycolaxx]

My best friend always got abit anxious/paranoid on the school run. There were 2-3 mums she would say to me thought they were better than us/ignored us. I didnt see an issue and used to say not to worry and just chat to people who are nice to you. We were just dropping off and picking up the kids from school. It was an issue my friend had because the women was pretty and always dresses for the gym. I think she felt insecure. Even though she also does the gym.

She still had a few mums on her Facebook from the playground. So she had obviously swapped names. Id added a couple that I'd got to know too. But she remained anxious about certain mums.

In lockdown she chose to send her child. I kept mine off. She said to me on the phone the other day the blonde mum she always called a rude bitch to me etc was actually nice. I then noticed she's added her on Facebook. She's walked to school one morning with another one that approached her at the gates. She also didn't like this women at all and said she was rude..... Which she was one day after school when my child fell over on the path. She glared at us as I was helping my daughter up and pushed past. She did do it in an abrupt way. But I didn't particularly care. She's also added her onto Facebook. She's also added the best friend of the first lady she didn't like too.

My friends nice in every other way. I'm just feeling abit unconfident about September and now she's made friends with many of the mums our kids are in class with, having spent half the year slating them. I don't feel jelous about it. But it's made me see my friend differently. I normally feel very protective of her. But she's been swapping full names and getting to know them and I suppose I feel left behind now. I've always smiled and said hello but I never pushed further with conversation to support my friend who was worried to go to the gates some days. She felt judged and uncomfortable.

I took my child into school for a session yesterday too. The mums I used to speak to all were friendly. But their kids all have started doing dancing together. They were arranging uniform and I felt abit alone even though there was no nastiness. It was like they all were close. Their kids seem very close too. My daughter is close to my friends son but is yet to be close to any girls. She seemed to mix a little with some girls but she never seemed to have the bestie that the others all made. I just hope she will find some friends in September as it feels like everyone else's children have got strong friendships already. Some of the girls were waiting to see a particular friend and it felt my daughter didn't have that.

Would you feel annoyed at a friend suddenly befriending the women she had slated to you for so long?

I feel like I've been locked away since march and cut off. So I guess I do feel I've missed out.

Meh

Feel free to tell me I'm pathetic

@CodexDevinchi

Thank you. Yes I will do thank you. I will get over it. Im just abit annoyed that she thinks I'm stupid and can't see what she's doing.

I think September will be an odd one as we have to queue to go in and no parents allowed on the playground.

I think I've met the ones to stand and chat to this year. I wont be able to chat with them as easily as it's a queue and we will arrive at different times. But yeah I always thought my friend was true and now I've seen a different side to her. She's befriended way more mums through Facebook than me. Which is her choice. But half of them are people she's judged and disliked. It doesn't add up to the friend I know but I suppose it's the first time we've been in this situation.

Playgrounds bring out all sorts of unresolved insecurities. Parents can behave worse than the kids. You learned a valuable lesson.

@Sometimeswinning I agree! So many on here seem to claim they refuse to be friends with anyone they've met on the school run, or anyone they work with, or anyone they meet through hobbies or groups, or any of their neighbours. And you think where the fuck do they actually make friends then?!

My friend's nice in every other way

This makes it sounds like you think she's not nice for making friends with these women, which is a bit bizarre.

One of these women was a bit abrupt/rude to you once. It doesn't mean she's a bad person - she could have been having a bad day. Everybody is rude or abrupt occasionally, usually without meaning to be, because their head is elsewhere.

Your friend has now got to know the group, and obviously likes them. What's the problem? You may find that they are perfectly friendly once you actually speak to them rather than just slating them behind their backs (which is a childish thing to do to people you don't even know - your friend has obviously realised this and moved on, good for her!).

Also - it's telling that you are unhappy that your previously unconfident, anxious friend appears to be building a new social circle. In the absence of any genuinely bad information about the people she's befriending, you should be happy for her. The fact that you feel threatened says something about you, not her.

Your friend wants to be friends with these women, she pretended not to like them because she felt they didn’t want to be friends with her. She moaned to you about them, perhaps she was worried that you’d become friends with them and she wouldn’t. She doesn’t sound a particularly nice person - one of the woe is me types that would drop you if she perceived she’d a better offer.

Stop listening to or having chats or commenting to her about these women. Don’t engage. Just see the school run as an errand you have to run each say. Walk to the school by yourself, chat to the other parents that you happen to be standing near to. Then go on your way.

Next term, arrange a few play dates with other kids your DD mentions. Without discussion with your friend.

Detach from it all, school collection and drop off is something you need to do - no drama. You could make yourself ill worrying about who is friends with who, what children are friends with other and so on. Step back from it.

[quote Cherrycolaxx]@CodexDevinchi

Thank you. Yes I will do thank you. I will get over it. Im just abit annoyed that she thinks I'm stupid and can't see what she's doing.

I think September will be an odd one as we have to queue to go in and no parents allowed on the playground.

I think I've met the ones to stand and chat to this year. I wont be able to chat with them as easily as it's a queue and we will arrive at different times. But yeah I always thought my friend was true and now I've seen a different side to her. She's befriended way more mums through Facebook than me. Which is her choice. But half of them are people she's judged and disliked. It doesn't add up to the friend I know but I suppose it's the first time we've been in this situation.[/quote]
Honestly sometimes school mums can drag you back to school mentally again Those kind of relationships are strictly fairweather friends. Your friend will find herself on the outside of the group again. The groups can actually be really toxic.

I chatted to my best friend about it, she was at another school and she literally dumped and run, avoiding people like the plague. So I adopted that and it’s bloody liberating! No false hellos!

Dump and run!

So many mumsnetters also tell you to grow up if you dare to be hurt by something or have feelings about something.

I can't imagine sitting with a friend and having a cuppa. Telling them the above and then saying grow up. What are you? 12? She's allowed other friends. You sound like a typical stereotypical playground mum.

I think they would probably be able to see my views. If I was jelous id be slagging off the other mum. I've not got a bad thing to say about her. I just don't know how my friend can let me see her behave like this and not be paranoid how she comes across to me. But according to Mumsnet she's made friends and that's wonderful. We just ignore the bitchy words. I don't think the mum would want to speak to her if she knew how she had spoke about her.

I want my friend to be happy. But it doesn't mean I don't notice things like this. But I hope she drops the image of hating cliques and playground chat. Because she's actually chasing being a part of it. So therefore she should just embrace it and say they are lovely mums at the school.

she was really focused on this women for months. So yeah I am abit "wow that's two faced" about it all. But apparently that makes me childish. I guess I just expect people to not go back on their attitude. Dislike people if there is a real reason. Don't dislike for petty reasons and don't be two faced about it.

But you were happy when your friend simply disliked the woman for petty reasons?

It sounds like your friend has grown up and realised that judging and disliking people she doesn't even know is ridiculous, childish behaviour. Changing your mind about someone is actually pretty sensible, if your dislike was based on nothing of any substance.

also never ever engage with her if she ever slags these women off. Fuck that shit.

You're missing the point OP.

The bitchy words about someone she barely knew - this was really bad behaviour, and you were fine with it at the time.

Changing her mind and making friends - this is fine.

If she continues to bitch about them, them ditch her as a friend. Because she's not a good person if she does that.

To be honest I wouldn't think much at all about the social politics at the school gates. It's unnecessary drama. I always do drop off and pick up as quickly as possible because I'm in a rush and I really can't be arsed with small talk. I am polite and friendly is conversation occurs but I never usually instigate it. As long as your DD makes some friends in September, and the parents of these children are polite/friendly enough to you that you can easily do playdates, that's really all that's required.

Stop pushing yourself to get in with the gang or be best mates or whatever. This is not necessary for your DD to have a good school experience. Maybe you will naturally become friends with some of them overtime, or maybe not. Make your own friends that are separate from your DD's school, or if you already have your own friends then give them a call and go for a drink. Social life and school life don't have blend much at all.

@CodexDevinchi

That's the best way to be. The only fear I have is will that stop my child having friends. But it shouldn't do to be fair! I am quite thick skinned. Plus last year the gates opened at 8.45 and you had a ten minute window to take them to the class doors. There was no playground wait. Then after school you go in the playground to get them. So there's limited standing about. So I think my friend was wasting alot of energy feeling self conscious.

I probably will drop and dump in September anyway because we have to go the long way around to the other gates (thank you covid) so it's going to be more walking and queing. It's going to be odd and I hope it's only for one term!

Also stop being so focussed on Facebook and checking who your friend has added. It’s all crap and meaningless.

You shouldn’t be thinking now who you’ll chat to in September. Chat to the person who you happen to land beside. If you feel a connection with someone after a few weeks, invite them for a coffee.

It’s really not a competition - schoolgate connections come and go - groups may form, then split, there will be falling ours, some parents will return to work and no longer collect and drop off and so on. Do not make school collection and drop offs a main part of your life.

Jeez.
YABU, OP, and really rather strange.

I find it hard to believe that some people put so much thought into the behaviour of other women (and yes, it is almost always women - DH has none of this shite) who are merely dropping their kids off at school.

Sometimes I say hi at the gates, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I chat, sometimes I haven't got time. Sometimes I'm a bit grouchy, sometimes I'm cheerful. It has fuck all to do with other parents and everything to do with what's really going on that day with work, kids, etc.

I'm friends with some school mums on FB but not others - purely by chance as to who's added me.
There are lots of people like me out there, who give no thought at all to school gate dramas. And most of us would be a bit freaked out if we thought other parents were watching, eagle eyed, to see which other parents had added us on FB, who we spoke to that day, if we were wearing gym kit etc.

The idea that I might be a bit player in other people's weird soap operas- in the way you and your friend described these "gym mums" who are "arranging uniform" together (??!) is a bit unnerving. You and your mate both seem waaaay overinvested in these other women who, by your own admission, have been nothing but friendly to you. The language you use (befriended/slated/etc) is full of emotion, as if these are lifelong friends who've wronged you - and yet if the kids are only 5, you can't have known them long at all. Still, you seem to know who is friends with who on FB?! Bizarre.

Can't you just drop the kids off, be polite and friendly, and just let everyone get on with being friends with who they want to be friends with? For the sake of your own sanity if nothing else.

Worry about you, OP. You're giving a lot of thought to your friend here and you may as well be a cat chasing its own tail. It's out of your hands. All of it is out of your hands and not really your concern. Who knows what's going through your friends mind? Not a whole lot, I imagine. She sounds bored and she's finally befriended the mum she was insanely jealous of, is my take. I get why you're upset, but all you can do is join the 'normal parents' brigade: Take kids to school, drop them at school gate, make sure your kids are settled and happy, leave school gates. Boom. School run done.
Just focus on the school run being about your kids. It's not about us parents. Don't get wrapped up in school gate misery. There's more to life.

So she judged a woman and didn't like her without knowing her. She then took the time to get to know her and found out actually she's nice. Seems like real life to me

OP, you are at the beginning of a long road.

By the end of it your view of people could change enormously both for the better and worse.

Continue smiling and being pleasant.
You NEVER know which child could end up a great pal.

I wouldn't reference your friends change of mind in any way.

Remain pleasant and friendly.

I think YOU can definitely learn from this, about your friend and yourself.

I have gone through 4 lots of parents, about 120 in total.
Overwhelming majority were pleasant, busy people that just want to drop, collect and get on with their day.

I never got over involved or over invested.

I remained friendly, pleasant and it has served me well.

Children's friendships change and move around, best to keep that in mind.

Kindly meant, but your friend sounds insecure and capable of drama.

I would move gently to expanding your own casual relationships separate to her and not be strongly associated with any potential drama that may occur.

Don't stress about it, 5 is very very young. It often isn't till 8 or 9 that the real friendships are formed.

Wishing you well.

This is one reason why I remain forever thankful that I had a full time job and never had to deal with school gate petty politics! The DC walked themselves to school from about the age of six anyway, as we lived in a quiet village.
What is it about the school gate that makes grown women revert to teenage bitchiness and silliness? I never noticed this nonsense with work colleagues. Is it that SAHMs don’t have a wider world to distract them, and so get over invested in trivial disagreements? The nanny said it was similarly dire at the playgroup she took my DC to as toddlers, and it made her laugh.

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable

No I wasn't happy. I got zero happiness out of it. I tried to tell my friend not to worry. That people were not judging her. I actually used to cringe when she called her a bitch because she used to smile and say hello to us. I have known her from working in the same shopping area.she would come in to the shop I worked in. So there's no hate at all.

I wasn't happy she hated her and now I'm seething. I was confused why my friend was paranoid and now I think she has behaved two faced. But I hope from now on she speaks to her and learns to relax. Just because the women is pretty it doesn't mean she's an IT girl who hates anyone who's not a fellow IT. She was just a mum walking her kids to school. Why would I have any issue with her? Being horrible to a child's mum for her looks or confidence is a pretty childish trait and one I don't carry. I wouldn't like to think mums slagged my mum off when I was a child. So I treat others how I would want my family and friends to be treated. What my friend was doing back before lockdown was catty and it's hard to make eye contact with someone after your friends just mumbled bitch at them when they were in the distance.

I'm always with my toddler and just focused on him and getting my child to school. I really am not into drama and I've not formed any horrible opinions on any of the parents at the school. Not one of them has given me bad vibes. I hope year one is the same.

I had a friend a few years back who would tell me terrible tales and rumours about some of the other school mums. Then subsequently go on to be very good friends with them! Knowing her background it definitely seemed to stem from low self esteem. I just used to stay very non-commital about it all and we don’t really talk now.

From my POV there are some parents I know who come across as cliquey and do seem a bit ‘mean girls’ with their attitude, so I just leave those people alone. There are plenty of others who are absolutely lovely and equally I’m not at all bothered about standing on my own either. I think the more you act desperate to be someone’s friend the more people move away.

Oh come on. You are peeved because your friend got over her insecurities and childish behavior that was your guarantee for a friendship that would be low-effort on your part, and would make you feel better about yourself.

A real friend would be happy that her friend went through some growth and had more friends. Your reaction is to be annoyed, complain about the friend and the pretty ladies at the gate on the Internet, and pretend to take the high road. This is pathetic.

Genuine question here.
How do you come to the conclusion people are being "cliquey" or "Mean Girls" in the approximate 10-minute period it takes to walk into a playground, drop off a child and leave again?
There must be a lot of overthinking going on.
Madness.

YABU but I think you know that and it’s an easy fix. Resolve to make friends with whomever you wish in September - earlier if the opportunity arises - and don’t dwell on it.

I have a friend who does this regularly. She is very bitchy about certain mums but then I'll see her laughing and joking being super friendly with them. She's a great person but it does make me eye roll a bit. It's quite two faced. There are a lot of cliquey and some downright unpleasant mums at my dc school and I've never particularly enjoyed the school run. I tend to arrive as late as possible to avoid having to stand around and make chit chat.

You will probably be told you're being petty but I don't think you're BU to find your friend a bit out of order for doing this. I just try to rise above it and don't say anything about anyone.