Feeling left out. Alien at the school gates.

[Cherrycolaxx]

My best friend always got abit anxious/paranoid on the school run. There were 2-3 mums she would say to me thought they were better than us/ignored us. I didnt see an issue and used to say not to worry and just chat to people who are nice to you. We were just dropping off and picking up the kids from school. It was an issue my friend had because the women was pretty and always dresses for the gym. I think she felt insecure. Even though she also does the gym.

She still had a few mums on her Facebook from the playground. So she had obviously swapped names. Id added a couple that I'd got to know too. But she remained anxious about certain mums.

In lockdown she chose to send her child. I kept mine off. She said to me on the phone the other day the blonde mum she always called a rude bitch to me etc was actually nice. I then noticed she's added her on Facebook. She's walked to school one morning with another one that approached her at the gates. She also didn't like this women at all and said she was rude..... Which she was one day after school when my child fell over on the path. She glared at us as I was helping my daughter up and pushed past. She did do it in an abrupt way. But I didn't particularly care. She's also added her onto Facebook. She's also added the best friend of the first lady she didn't like too.

My friends nice in every other way. I'm just feeling abit unconfident about September and now she's made friends with many of the mums our kids are in class with, having spent half the year slating them. I don't feel jelous about it. But it's made me see my friend differently. I normally feel very protective of her. But she's been swapping full names and getting to know them and I suppose I feel left behind now. I've always smiled and said hello but I never pushed further with conversation to support my friend who was worried to go to the gates some days. She felt judged and uncomfortable.

I took my child into school for a session yesterday too. The mums I used to speak to all were friendly. But their kids all have started doing dancing together. They were arranging uniform and I felt abit alone even though there was no nastiness. It was like they all were close. Their kids seem very close too. My daughter is close to my friends son but is yet to be close to any girls. She seemed to mix a little with some girls but she never seemed to have the bestie that the others all made. I just hope she will find some friends in September as it feels like everyone else's children have got strong friendships already. Some of the girls were waiting to see a particular friend and it felt my daughter didn't have that.

Would you feel annoyed at a friend suddenly befriending the women she had slated to you for so long?

I feel like I've been locked away since march and cut off. So I guess I do feel I've missed out.

Meh

Feel free to tell me I'm pathetic

@OfaFrenchmind2

Nope you are wrong! What nonsense! You can't just decide I've got issues because I don't just think how wonderful to see you now have changed your mind. She shouldn't have been so mean about her in the first place.....

@fellrunner85

Genuine question here. How do you come to the conclusion people are being "cliquey" or "Mean Girls" in the approximate 10-minute period it takes to walk into a playground, drop off a child and leave again? There must be a lot of overthinking going on. Madness.

If that was aimed at me then I would assume that based on five years of knowing them through preschool and then primary and interacting with them and knowing their actions when interacting with others.

Be nice and easy going.

Bitchiness at the school gates is something I’ve never experienced- however have witnessed two mums getting in a fight!

Just stay clear of all trouble. Be bright and breezy!!

@Patbutcherismyhero

Thank you. It's just odd. I couldn't bring myself to suddenly swap sides. If I had suddenly started chatting to her and said to my friend oh she's lovely last year. She would have been hurt and questioned why I had befriended her when she didn't like her. But she's made this decision without considering how it looks to me. It's none of my business but she's my best friend so her behaviour does matter to me. Because I care.

By the end of it your view of people could change enormously both for the better and worse

God this. Standing on the outskirts of it all it’s fascinating to watch the dynamics.

Your child will make friends in class. Don’t worry.

@CodexDevinchi

Thank you. You have made me feel better. You are right. I will just concentrate on getting my child to school. If she's besties with everyone in September that's her choice. it will just create drama for her.

This is why you should nt pander to people's anxieties. If you wanted to say hello then you should have . If you wanted to do more to be friends with this other woman you should have.

Here. This helps me a lot!

Winston Churchill said,

"When you’re 20, you care what everyone thinks,
when you’re 40 you stop caring what everyone thinks,
when you’re 60, you realise no one was ever thinking about you in the first place."

bright, breezy and carry on

If I had suddenly started chatting to her and said to my friend oh she's lovely last year. She would have been hurt and questioned why I had befriended her when she didn't like her.

Serious question - why are you friends with this woman? She bitches nastily about other people for no real reason, and you think she would have been arsey about it if you had made friends with someone she had taken a dislike to. What are her redeeming qualities?

couldn't bring myself to suddenly swap sides

Swap sides?! I genuinely haven't heard people talking about "swapping sides" in a friendship group since about 1994.
OP, you are far too overinvested in this. You say you're not, but the language you're using speaks volumes. You really need to take a big step back.

Organise some play dates. It will be good fir your daughter if you are concerned about friendships and it's a good opportunity for you to talk to other mums. It's much easier for the children to play and you to chat when there aren't others around.

[quote Cherrycolaxx]@Patbutcherismyhero

Thank you. It's just odd. I couldn't bring myself to suddenly swap sides. If I had suddenly started chatting to her and said to my friend oh she's lovely last year. She would have been hurt and questioned why I had befriended her when she didn't like her. But she's made this decision without considering how it looks to me. It's none of my business but she's my best friend so her behaviour does matter to me. Because I care.[/quote]
Your best friend is desperate to be liked. Just see it for what it is.

When September comes ask individual mums if they want a play date independently of your friend. ( if you can be bothered)

I got roped in to the PTA very quickly at our old school and the politics in there is shocking

Never again

You’ve spent a few months judging and moaning
about these women for no other reason than they haven’t fallen over you to be friends with you. Maybe they picked up on the vibe.

You still have time to turn this around. Be nice and stop talking about people in a negative way

I find this all quite bizarre. Are you sure you're the mum in this situation and not the child?
People can be friends with whoever the hell they want, even if they didn't like them to begin with!
You sound a bit possessive of this friendship. There is no swapping sides. It isn't a game. It's an adult making friends with another adult! Would you be this bothered if it's someone she met at the gym?

Changed my opinion a bit after thinking it through...

Your friend is a two faced cow. If she’s bitched about them and is now friends with them you can be sure she’s bitching about you to them too.

You'll be fine. I found myself in a very similar situation in Reception and it was pretty tough at first but ended up making a couple of really great friends and was never really involved in the bigger group. My friend at the time whose daughter went into the same class pretty much dropped me for new friends and at first I was really upset but honestly, it worked out fine and you'll always find there are other mums feeling exactly the same as you.

You really need to let go of your victim mentality. You’ve not actually been left out, you’re not an alien at the school gates, NOTHING has happened to you. You’re doing more of what you and this friend spent the first half of the school year doing - making assumptions based on your own insecurities and then running with them.

You’ve been a little clique of two. You made assumptions about other women because reading between the lines (the blonde mum, the gym clothes, they must think my child looks like a tramp) they’re maybe prettier/slimmer/have more money to spend?

You both decided that they were “the nasty school gate mums” and you’ve been bonding bitching about them. You’re not a victim in all this - I don’t for one moment believe friend did all the bitching while you made noncommittal mmm... noises.

You may not like being told to grow up but you really do come across as very immature with no self awareness. You can actually learn from this and work on not being petty, small minded and judgmental about other women. Greet people with a smile and a friendly word. You’ll find most people respond well and you might even make some good friends!

You gave her good advice, and she has kind of followed it.
Now you have to do your own advice :-) and be proud of being a good friend to her.
I am sure your daughter will find her own feet/place /friends when school starts back properly. The whole situation will be different for the class and there will be others who weren't going to school.

Op what’s all this with “besties“ and “Drama” and “sides”?

For your daughters sake you need to try to behave more like an adult. Or this is going to impact on her friendships.

If your friend was bitching or joining you in bitching she’s decided to grow the hell up and stop it. Good for her.

Agree that it's good that she has managed to pluck up her courage and make friends.

I understand that you may be wary of her, because she says horrible things about people with no good reason. I'd be watching in case she was saying similar things about you. It might be just that she behaves like this about strangers, but maybe she is more generally two faced?

I’d probably be internally raising my eyebrows a bit at the sudden change in your friends attitude towards these mums if I were in your position.

But I guess it’s one of two things.

Your friend secretly admired them, wanted to be their friend, and was being bitchy about them because she thought they wouldn’t want to be her friend.
Or she’d got off on the wrong foot with them, misinterpreted a few things and assumed they didn’t like her or whatever, and now she’s had more of a chance to talk to them, she’s realised her first impressions were wrong.

I guess either way, the thing to take away is that you shouldn’t be restricting who you’re making an effort to be friendly with because of what this friend is saying about them.

Minor, agree, and it looks like she got to know them and told the op that at least one was very nice and she was wrong, so seems she’s taken the time and moved forward,

Good for her, her behaviour wasn’t good at first but it seems she’s made the effort and moved on. I’m not convinced op from the way you’re rallying against her doing so that you’re as innocent in this as you make out, and suspect you were more likely complicit in the bitching, or enjoyed it.

If what you’re saying is real, and you dislikes it, there is no reason for you not to also be pleasant to everyone else. But your comments about besties and drama would indicate you were complicit and still hold the same views,

Your friend sounds super insecure (as you’ve said) she wants them on side so she can feel good about herself. She will forever be trying to match up to them, all the while feeling crap inside.

It’s all superficial.

I wouldn’t let it bother you. Just do your thing, drop your daughter off, smile, be polite but don’t engage (if you don’t want to)

(:

In the gentlest possible way, I think this has more to do with you feeling a bit jealous that your friend seems to have found her mojo and is developing relationships with these people.

People can change their attitude towards other people. Their views are not fixed in stone. It sounds as if your friend has changed her attitude to these mums and it has paid off. And frankly, that sounds like a good thing. Just because she once said nasty things about them doesn't mean she can be held to that indefinitely. People change, they say things about people and then come around to them. It's life.

I do understand that its hard if a former ally suddenly seems less of an ally, particularly if you're anxious.

But people are answerable to themselves and free to make relationships with whomever they see fit. If she's made friendships with these people you have to take it on the chin. It might be life's way of telling you to build your own separate friendships.

Have you ever misjudged someone? Taken an instant dislike and later found out you were wrong? That's all that's happened here. With the smaller intake it's given people the opportunity to mix with people they wouldn't normally.

You might find you also like them, or you might not! I think going back in September will probably be a little bit of an anxious time anyway, given how long a lot of people have been away and perhaps this wouldn't have bothered you so much at any other time?

You haven't come across badly, you're allowed to feel unsettled, lots of people are and will be going back in September.