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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I really don't know if I'm just being selfish?

86 replies

Eatcabbage · 21/07/2020 14:26

My moral compass is slightly out of whack - having been in a longterm emotionally abusive relationship in the past, I am very cautious now, and if anything makes me feel uncomfortable in my current relationship, I back right off until I can reconcile it in my head and I'm sure everything is ok. So, apologies if this all seems silly.
I've got a boat that takes 4 comfortably and 6 maximum. For his birthday, my boyfriend asked if we could go out on the boat, so of course I agreed.
Me, my child, him and his two children and one adult son makes six. However, he also talked about inviting his son's adult girlfriend along too. I had several reservations - it would take numbers above the maximum 6 and I thought this would also be breaking lockdown rules, having her come along too and not being able to distance on a small boat. (He lives with all 3 of his kids, son's girlfriend lives with her family). As I'd be responsible for allowing this and really don't want to break the rules, I said no.
Upshot is, he still invited son's girlfriend along, so the 5 of them took my boat out without me and my son. I had said he was welcome to use it without us.
However, I'm really upset that what was meant to be my birthday treat for my boyfriend ended up not even involving me, as he chose to invite his son's girlfriend over having me and my son go along too.
I'm hurt that he chose her over me, particularly as it's my boat and I'd have loved to go out on it, but feel I'm being selfish as it was his birthday and not about me. -
Am I being unreasonable to be upset?
Please put me out of my misery about this!

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 21/07/2020 14:28

You’re not being selfish, but I’m not sure why you told him to use the boat without you if you wanted to go?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 21/07/2020 14:29

YANBU his actions have showed you how important you are to him.

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 21/07/2020 14:30

Yanbu but why did you say he could?

Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches · 21/07/2020 14:31

Well I guess the answer is because you were in an EA relationship and find it hard to say no!

IAintentDead · 21/07/2020 14:32

He's told you how important you are(n't) by doing this.

He now thinks it's fine to exclude you and you will accept this.

Original poster
Eatcabbage · 21/07/2020 14:33

I didn't want to stop them all from going out on the boat for his birthday, and I did have the option to go along too, but, as above, I wasn't comfortable with that.
So is it not my fault for upsetting myself by not going?

OP posts:
JammyHands · 21/07/2020 14:36

No it's your BF's fault for doing something you had told him not to and I personally would dump him. He's making use of something of yours - he asked you if you could go out on it - and he's then inviting whoever he chooses along, even though you've said they can't go.

Guardsman18 · 21/07/2020 14:36

I think your mistake, if any, was saying that he was welcome to use it.

katy1213 · 21/07/2020 14:37

Not unreasonable at all! He's a CF of the first order - and I think you should round off his birthday treat by dumping him! So you and your son were uninvited from your own boat? What a cheek! But you shouldn't have gone along with it. You should have made it clear that the girlfriend wasn't invited - most people wouldn't have invited the adult son in the first place!

SallyWD · 21/07/2020 14:37

I can see why you're a bit hurt but he probably just believed you when you said it was fine for him to go without you. Men can be more straightforward than women (I. E. Saying what they mean) and he probably didn't realise you actually didn't mean what you said!! Also I don't think you should see it as him choosing his son's girlfriend over you (this almost make you sound jealous of her). Perhaps his son really wanted his girlfriend to come? Or he was just trying to please his son? I don't think he's done anything terribly wrong. Maybe he just thought you were happy for his family group to use the boat and he'd celebrate with you later.

Guardsman18 · 21/07/2020 14:38

And - he's a selfish git!

DiscBeard · 21/07/2020 14:39

Why did you tell him he could then? That's probably confusing for him, he might have thought you're not bothered.

Why didn't you say the gf couldn't come because there wasn't room?

AlwaysCheddar · 21/07/2020 14:39

Wow! He has told you where you are in the pecking order! Yanbu

Original poster
Eatcabbage · 21/07/2020 14:44

@SallyWD

I can see why you're a bit hurt but he probably just believed you when you said it was fine for him to go without you. Men can be more straightforward than women (I. E. Saying what they mean) and he probably didn't realise you actually didn't mean what you said!! Also I don't think you should see it as him choosing his son's girlfriend over you (this almost make you sound jealous of her). Perhaps his son really wanted his girlfriend to come? Or he was just trying to please his son? I don't think he's done anything terribly wrong. Maybe he just thought you were happy for his family group to use the boat and he'd celebrate with you later.
Sally, that's kind of what I was thinking - his children always come first and his son would obviously rather have his girlfriend go along too. They are family after all, so maybe it was more important to him to have them all happy. It still hurts though. The point was for us to go together, and I think he was fine about it being all 7, but I wasn't.
OP posts:
Crankley · 21/07/2020 14:48

Keep your boat and dump the selfish arse.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/07/2020 14:51

You need to be able to state what you want. That is hard to do when you have been in an abusive relationship where you have been trained to ignore your own feelings to keep the peace.

What would have happened if you had said no to him? If you had told him max 6 people including you and your DS?

piscean10 · 21/07/2020 14:51

Yanbu this isn't ok at all.
He basically used you. Yes it was his birthday, but surely he would want his girlfriend there rather than his son's girlfriend.
The worst part is that he didnt even feel bad about leaving you and your son out.

BluebellForest836 · 21/07/2020 14:53

How old is his adult son? I can’t imagine it was going to go well saying he can’t bring his gf with him and he probably wanted all his kids there ?

Junenamechange · 21/07/2020 14:54

Your boat, your rules. Also - there were set rules as regards maximum numbers. So he was wrong. His adult son and the girlfriend should have stayed off and you and you son should have been included. Particularly as it was a birthday treat. What did he do for you for your birthday/what happened when they returned?

strawberrypip · 21/07/2020 14:54

your partner should of grown a pair and told his son that unfortunately, as the boat has a maximum capacity of 6, his girlfriend couldnt come on this particular trip but that you could all do something another time.

Original poster
Eatcabbage · 21/07/2020 14:54

@BluebellForest836

How old is his adult son? I can’t imagine it was going to go well saying he can’t bring his gf with him and he probably wanted all his kids there ?
20
OP posts:
Divebar · 21/07/2020 15:02

He put you in a shitty situation by turning up with the girlfriend when you’d said no. Think a minute about how disrespectful that was of him.

BluebellForest836 · 21/07/2020 15:04

I think it’s a case of him putting his son before you rather then the sons gf.

I’d be pissed off too.

Illdealwithitinaminute · 21/07/2020 15:05

It's your boat, it's your birthday, you were the number one priority passenger! Everyone else should have been invited after you. This tells you a lot about your relationship. I would not stand for this anyway, on my birthday, I'm at the centre of everything, because that's normal for the birthday person- you don't go out without them on their birthday!

LannieDuck · 21/07/2020 15:09

@SallyWD

I can see why you're a bit hurt but he probably just believed you when you said it was fine for him to go without you. Men can be more straightforward than women (I. E. Saying what they mean) and he probably didn't realise you actually didn't mean what you said!! Also I don't think you should see it as him choosing his son's girlfriend over you (this almost make you sound jealous of her). Perhaps his son really wanted his girlfriend to come? Or he was just trying to please his son? I don't think he's done anything terribly wrong. Maybe he just thought you were happy for his family group to use the boat and he'd celebrate with you later.
Of course it was him choosing son's gf over OP, or rather, choosing to keep son happy rather than OP.

The boat capacity was 6 max (presumably for safety reasons?). OP wasn't willing to breech that, and as it's her boat she was entitled to make that call. So it became a straight-forward choice between son's GF being able to go, or OP. Rightly or wrongly, BF decided he'd rather keep his son happy than OP. It may be an understandable choice, but lets not pretend he didn't make a choice there.

It doesn't make OP sound jealous. It makes her sound upset that a birthday trip she arranged, using her property, suddenly excluded her. That's not a slight on son's GF (who is probably lovely) - it's nothing to do with her personally. She could have been BF's mum, or BF's son's best friend. It just happened to be BF's son's gf.