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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I really don't know if I'm just being selfish?

86 replies

Eatcabbage · 21/07/2020 14:26

My moral compass is slightly out of whack - having been in a longterm emotionally abusive relationship in the past, I am very cautious now, and if anything makes me feel uncomfortable in my current relationship, I back right off until I can reconcile it in my head and I'm sure everything is ok. So, apologies if this all seems silly.
I've got a boat that takes 4 comfortably and 6 maximum. For his birthday, my boyfriend asked if we could go out on the boat, so of course I agreed.
Me, my child, him and his two children and one adult son makes six. However, he also talked about inviting his son's adult girlfriend along too. I had several reservations - it would take numbers above the maximum 6 and I thought this would also be breaking lockdown rules, having her come along too and not being able to distance on a small boat. (He lives with all 3 of his kids, son's girlfriend lives with her family). As I'd be responsible for allowing this and really don't want to break the rules, I said no.
Upshot is, he still invited son's girlfriend along, so the 5 of them took my boat out without me and my son. I had said he was welcome to use it without us.
However, I'm really upset that what was meant to be my birthday treat for my boyfriend ended up not even involving me, as he chose to invite his son's girlfriend over having me and my son go along too.
I'm hurt that he chose her over me, particularly as it's my boat and I'd have loved to go out on it, but feel I'm being selfish as it was his birthday and not about me. -
Am I being unreasonable to be upset?
Please put me out of my misery about this!

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 21/07/2020 16:23

I think he was really unfair. He put his son's need to have his girlfriend there over your right to go because it's your boat!

namechangetheworld · 21/07/2020 16:26

I agree with others that he was a thoughtless arse, but certainly not deliberately mean. You should have mentioned that you weren't happy at the time, instead of telling him it was fine - maybe you could have arranged to do something else to include everybody.

And he SHOULD choose his children over you, as I imagine you would choose your DS over him if if came to it. He wouldn't be much of a Father otherwise.

Motoko · 21/07/2020 16:28

So, he asked about the gf coming, and you said no because it would go over the max number of people, yet he still invited her?

That is wrong. He should have made other arrangements.

A lot of previously abused women fall into other abusive, or just not good relationships after escaping the first, and I think you are one. He completely ignored what you said, and was happy to use your boat, leaving you and your son behind. This is not going to get better, so I agree with pps that you should dump him.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? If not, I think you should, it will help you to see what a healthy relationship looks like, and to trust your gut when something doesn't feel right.

piscean10 · 21/07/2020 16:29

they had a grand old time at your expense. They made you like a big old mug.

Tinamou · 21/07/2020 16:36

To be honest OP, it sounds like you may not be ready for a new relationship yet if this is causing you so much distress. You may need to do a bit more work on your self-esteem, boundaries etc before you put your happiness in someone's hands.

Original poster

Eatcabbage · 21/07/2020 16:37

@Motoko

So, he asked about the gf coming, and you said no because it would go over the max number of people, yet he still invited her?

That is wrong. He should have made other arrangements.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? If not, I think you should, it will help you to see what a healthy relationship looks like, and to trust your gut when something doesn't feel right.

Thank you Motoko, and everyone for taking the time to reply.

I couldn't do the Freedom Programme as I work full time and have my child to look after. I really should have done though, and probably should have had 1-2-1 counselling also.
I still have frequent abusive communications from my ex and my boyfriend has always been very supportive and helpful though all of this.
I made it clear to him when we started seeing each other that I had a lot of baggage and wasn't really ready to be in a relationship. We've been together nearly 4 years now and it is rare that I feel uncertain like I do now.
After what I went through though, I really do run a mile whenever I have a doubt, which upsets him a lot. It doesn't happen often.
I honestly don't trust my own ability to make sense of situations like this. I wanted him to have a nice day and go out on the boat, genuinely, but I still can't help being hurt and it is making me feel selfish.

OP posts:

Enchantmentz · 21/07/2020 16:37

Yanbu he asked and you said no then he completely over-rided/undermind your decision. Someone who does that needs a telling or dumping for that alone imo.

I once had a dp move in and told him not to bring a large piece of furniture with him. He brought it anyway but it ended up rotting at the bottom of the garden as a consequence.

LioneIRichTea · 21/07/2020 16:40

I’ve never clicked the YANBU button so fast. OP it was your boat, you should’ve had the final say and at least been on it! have you spoken to him about it?

Ellisandra · 21/07/2020 16:47

If you’ve been together for 4 years, then is going out on the boat that big a deal?

I have a motorhome, my husband of 7 years loves it - we all love going away in it - but it’s at our disposal all the time, so him taking his sons away in it (even on his birthday) wouldn’t leave me feeling left out.

I doubt he saw the birthday boat trip as being as special as you did - especially as it was his suggestion.

The devil is in the detail here though. I can’t work out what happened:

you said 7 is too many but it’s fine for him to take it (reasonable after 4 years to take you at your word)
you saying it’s fine for him to take it was a general position not part of this conversation and he took the piss changing the plans

You can do the Freedom Programme online. In person, it’s just 12 weeks - and you’ve had a boyfriend who could babysit for you for 4 years, to enable you to do it. Ditto the counselling. Why would you not make time for this, when you are still suffering?

Tinamou · 21/07/2020 16:47

You've been together four years? OK sorry, ignore my previous post. I assumed this was a relationship of less than a year.

Have you talked to him about this? After four years you should be able to have a proper conversation and tell him that you're feeling hurt.

Original poster

Eatcabbage · 21/07/2020 16:48

@LioneIRichTea

I’ve never clicked the YANBU button so fast. OP it was your boat, you should’ve had the final say and at least been on it! have you spoken to him about it?

I've not spoken to him about it yet, nor seen him since, which I usually would have. I don't want to cause problems where there aren't any, so I don't want to bring it up until I'm sure of how I feel about it. He's likely to be very upset that I've been hurt by something he's done.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 21/07/2020 16:51

Op were you not happy because the boat was over max or because of Covid, it’s not clear. Can you not take him out again? It does appear that you chose not to go.

Original poster

Eatcabbage · 21/07/2020 16:52

@Ellisandra "You can do the Freedom Programme online."
Thank you, I didn't know that and I'll try to join.

OP posts:

2bazookas · 21/07/2020 16:56

I wouldn't have let him take your boat out for the first time
without you. Has he ever been in one before? With children? Can he swim?

Ellisandra · 21/07/2020 16:57

Yes, you can do it online at your own pace for £12 - though I expect most people get more from it, doing it in a group.

Josette77 · 21/07/2020 17:00

I think YABU only because you told him he could use it. Since you've been together 4 years maybe he thought it wasn't all that of a special trip. Can you ask if the two of you can go out later on it?

His kids should come first though so I'm not sure I understand what you mean by them coming first at his expense?

AryaStarkWolf · 21/07/2020 17:00

YWBU not to tell him to fuck off when he decided his son's g/f was more important than you

Ellisandra · 21/07/2020 17:08

At what point did you tell him he could use it without you? That’s really critical, and not clear.

I do think that when you have young children, they should be the priority to have with you on your birthday - not your girlfriend. Added issue probably that he has contact days? So not as simple as saying, “let’s stick to you and me then - can I take the kids out on it next week?”

I think it’s pretty poor that the issue was his boyfriend’s girlfriend though! I would want to talk that through with him. There may be some mitigating factor, like he can only get the older child out if he’s allowed to bring his girlfriend. Not an entire reason, just a factor that I’d consider!

Honestly, because the tipping point wasn’t his own child, I’m veering towards him being a dick over this. But you have 4 years of experience to compare this with - and if he’s usually OK, I’d forgive it with a genuine apology.

TheMandalorian · 21/07/2020 17:09

Communication is key here and how well you do it together. So you said he could take it. A lot of men might take that on face value. However, it actually upset you. So just have a face to face talk. How he reacts to your upset is the key. If you feel he would be angry, spiteful, even violent then that is a big red flag. If he gets a bit defensive but is ultimately sorry to upset you then you can work through it. IYSWIM.

5LeafPenguin · 21/07/2020 17:17

He's put you in a situation where you had to back out or go against your judgement. He must have known this but hasn't apologized. Not a good sign at all. Nor is worrying that he would be upset if you say you were hurt. Say your piece and watch for other times where you let him get his way rather than speaking up.

5LeafPenguin · 21/07/2020 17:26

Also you agreed to the trip on the basis that you would be there as part of it. He should have been sensitive to this.

suggestionsplease1 · 21/07/2020 17:27

It's a bit concerning that you think he would be very upset when you bring this up with him - why would that be? Does he generally overreact about things? People can use extreme emotional responses to try to discourage others from raising issues or stating boundaries.

But yes, the devil is in the detail, I can imagine various ways these events and communications could have unfolded which could make it inexcusable, or understandable.

And I think you do need to commit to what you say, stand up for yourself clearly and then not be walked over. This is for your own wellbeing, otherwise you will continue to be in situations where you are talked around and then feel frustrated with yourself that you have acquiesced, and unsure of whether this amounts to a manipulation / advantage taking from a third party or not.

TorkTorkBam · 21/07/2020 17:32

To know what a man is truly like you must say no to him and stick to your no.

Here you said no, he ignored you, you rescinded your no.

In the last four years how often have you said no and stuck to it even if he were not happy?

tara66 · 21/07/2020 17:36

He surely must have had some idea that the boat would have a limited capacity regarding the number of people it could take. I don't like what he did. You should have gone on his birthday treat that you were providing at no cost (i.e. your gift) - so you could enjoy his birthday with him - not to be excluded. He is what MN call a CF. You are more important on your own boat than his DS's GF on you DP's birthday and he should know that.

Motoko · 21/07/2020 17:40

It's not good that you're wary of talking to him about this because he will be very upset. In what way would he show this upset?

In a good relationship, you should be able to talk about things, however uncomfortable they are.

I still can't get over you'd said no to the gf coming, yet he ignored that.

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