I really don't know if I'm just being selfish?

[Eatcabbage]

My moral compass is slightly out of whack - having been in a longterm emotionally abusive relationship in the past, I am very cautious now, and if anything makes me feel uncomfortable in my current relationship, I back right off until I can reconcile it in my head and I'm sure everything is ok. So, apologies if this all seems silly.
I've got a boat that takes 4 comfortably and 6 maximum. For his birthday, my boyfriend asked if we could go out on the boat, so of course I agreed.
Me, my child, him and his two children and one adult son makes six. However, he also talked about inviting his son's adult girlfriend along too. I had several reservations - it would take numbers above the maximum 6 and I thought this would also be breaking lockdown rules, having her come along too and not being able to distance on a small boat. (He lives with all 3 of his kids, son's girlfriend lives with her family). As I'd be responsible for allowing this and really don't want to break the rules, I said no.
Upshot is, he still invited son's girlfriend along, so the 5 of them took my boat out without me and my son. I had said he was welcome to use it without us.
However, I'm really upset that what was meant to be my birthday treat for my boyfriend ended up not even involving me, as he chose to invite his son's girlfriend over having me and my son go along too.
I'm hurt that he chose her over me, particularly as it's my boat and I'd have loved to go out on it, but feel I'm being selfish as it was his birthday and not about me. -
Am I being unreasonable to be upset?
Please put me out of my misery about this!

When people have behaved badly or have hurt others then they should be upset. Being upset about the impact of one's own behaviour is normal and healthy.

He surely must have had some idea that the boat would have a limited capacity regarding the number of people it could take
OP didn’t want to break CV guidance of 6 people form separate households. It’s not about the capacity on board.

OP I think he was mean to go without you but I’m trying to understand how it was positioned? Was it a case of you saying “I don’t want to do the trip if there are more then 6 of us” in which case he might have thought that if you were not comfortable they would go it alone. Or did you say “I’d rather you didn’t invite DS’s girlfriend because of CV guidelines” and then he did anyway which left you no choice but to drop out to keep the numbers under 6?

@TorkTorkBam

When people have behaved badly or have hurt others then they should be upset. Being upset about the impact of one's own behaviour is normal and healthy.

To a degree yes - how do you think 'being upset' should manifest from the boyfriend when the OP (if she chooses to) brings the issue up? What would an appropriate display of 'being upset' in these circumstances be like?

OP seems concerned to bring it up because of his likelihood of being 'very upset' - OP - how do you think this will manifest from your boyfriend?

"I had said he was welcome to use it without us."

I think this where things have gone wrong here, if you didn't really mean this then you should not have said it. However I still think its odd and worrying of him to choose to spend his birthday with his sons girlfriend at the expense of spending it with you and that would concern me.

Gf would take numbers above the maximum 6 and I thought this would also be breaking lockdown rules. Op, I read this as you looking for external reasons to support the first 'no', which should have been enough by itself.

We've had a long talk about it.
I think a few things lead to this:

• I have some serious emotional damage from my previous relationship and the slightest hint of uncomfortable sends me into flight mode. I need to get some help from this, like the Freedom Programme.
• He is very happy to let things tick along - he never made a conscious decision to invite or not his son's girlfriend, she was just there as they as a couple had decided be together that weekend.
• He thought right up to that morning, that we'd all be going out on the boat, and was upset that I didn't go. He did not want to go out without me, but felt he couldn't let his children down by not going.
• I didn't make my thoughts about limits clear enough, probably because I am rather indecisive .
• He would never have said son's girlfriend couldn't come over, he would rather have forgone the birthday trip and done something else to accommodate everyone.

Sincerely thank you everyone for taking the time to post your thoughts and for helping me through this. I get into quite a panic about trying to make sense of things that upset me and I struggle to see a way through my worries.

When you learn to let other people be uncomfortable your life will be so much better.

That sounds like a really constructive conversation OP. Hopefully you can both learn from this going forwards.

The real issue here is that he ignored you when you said no to more than six people. That's what I'd be concerned about. You not being able to go after he'd made that call is obnoxious and you should be aware that it's obnoxious. Being the birthday boy doesn't allow you to behave like a narcissist. I wouldn't be surprised if he is a narcissist though, it's so rude of him to take your boat and leave you behind, just because it's his birthday. Knowing that your boundaries are up the left and your self esteem is low. It could be that he has a perspective that puts this in a different light. You need to hear from him if this is the case. At the moment, it doesn't look like this is someone with bothering with. It's easy to say the right thing but on this occasion, he's shown you what he does when he gets the opportunity.

worth bothering with

Ah you've had the chat. So he didn't really know about the limit? That's a bit different. Going forward, you need to be firmer but also, if this happens again, question the pattern.