Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I really don't know if I'm just being selfish?

86 replies

Eatcabbage · 21/07/2020 14:26

My moral compass is slightly out of whack - having been in a longterm emotionally abusive relationship in the past, I am very cautious now, and if anything makes me feel uncomfortable in my current relationship, I back right off until I can reconcile it in my head and I'm sure everything is ok. So, apologies if this all seems silly.
I've got a boat that takes 4 comfortably and 6 maximum. For his birthday, my boyfriend asked if we could go out on the boat, so of course I agreed.
Me, my child, him and his two children and one adult son makes six. However, he also talked about inviting his son's adult girlfriend along too. I had several reservations - it would take numbers above the maximum 6 and I thought this would also be breaking lockdown rules, having her come along too and not being able to distance on a small boat. (He lives with all 3 of his kids, son's girlfriend lives with her family). As I'd be responsible for allowing this and really don't want to break the rules, I said no.
Upshot is, he still invited son's girlfriend along, so the 5 of them took my boat out without me and my son. I had said he was welcome to use it without us.
However, I'm really upset that what was meant to be my birthday treat for my boyfriend ended up not even involving me, as he chose to invite his son's girlfriend over having me and my son go along too.
I'm hurt that he chose her over me, particularly as it's my boat and I'd have loved to go out on it, but feel I'm being selfish as it was his birthday and not about me. -
Am I being unreasonable to be upset?
Please put me out of my misery about this!

OP posts:
Sunnydayshereatlast · 21/07/2020 15:11

It was the bf's birthday - he has made it clear having your company wasn't his priory.

Is he using you? A boat is quite a luxury...
Could you call into question anything else he is selfish about and making you feel rubbish in the process?
The fact he was also happy to disregard your young ds over his adult ds would make me question our relationship...

Want2beme · 21/07/2020 15:18

I would see it as him wanting his sons to be with him on his birthday, fair enough, but bringing the girlfriend along, ignoring the fact that you said no to 7 on the boat, he's made it clear that you're not a priority in his life. Does he do this often?

notangelinajolie · 21/07/2020 15:20

YANBU He is the selfish one, and is totally using and abusing your kindness.

monkeymonkey2010 · 21/07/2020 15:20

i think you're being used and its gone on so long unchallenged by you that he's progressed to 'dismissing' you so blatantly in front of everyone now.
You're there to 'provide' for him and whatever he wants....you aren't even 'worthy' of spending his birthday with him despite organizing/providing the means....a stranger who definitely has no 'right' to be there is more important than you......

why are you so afraid to stand up for yourself and what you want?

Dontbeme · 21/07/2020 15:22

having been in a longterm emotionally abusive relationship in the past, I am very cautious now, and if anything makes me feel uncomfortable in my current relationship, I back right off until I can reconcile it in my head and I'm sure everything is ok

But are you reconciling things or just taking time to minimise things so as to not upset DP? He excluded you (and your DC) from his birthday trip, which was on your boat? Does that not make you feel used or angry or upset?

I would worry that this is the start of a precedent being set in how he treats you. In future let them rent a boat for a jolly that leaves you sitting at home.

At least now you know where you stand in the pecking order, there is DP, his DC. your boat and then you.

Supersimkin2 · 21/07/2020 15:23

What a horrible birthday OP.

Next year, spend it with a man who cares about you.

Original poster
Eatcabbage · 21/07/2020 15:25

@Supersimkin2

What a horrible birthday OP.

Next year, spend it with a man who cares about you.

It was my boyfriend's birthday, not mine.
OP posts:
Deadringer · 21/07/2020 15:30

Yanbu at all. Your boyfriend needs to learn to take no for an answer, selfish twat.

cakeandchampagne · 21/07/2020 15:35

YANBU- except for letting him control the use of your boat.

Thislittlelady · 21/07/2020 15:37

Was really selfish of him to do that. I would’ve been peed off at this! He invited her EVEN THOUGH YOU SAID NO then took the boat cos you were coerced/had previously said you were happy for him to use it. He did the wrong thing. He should have invited her another time for just his family if that’s what he wanted. YANBU

Thislittlelady · 21/07/2020 15:38

PS where are you? Can I get a shot? I’d love a day out away from all this mentalness Grin

SunbathingDragon · 21/07/2020 15:39

How is he the rest of the time? Is this a complete one off?

DisobedientHamster · 21/07/2020 15:42

He used you and then showed you where you are in the pecking order. When people show you who they are, listen to him. Your boundaries are still way too feeble to be in a relationship. Get rid of him and start a relationship with yourself to improve your self esteem before dating again. I'd have told him to go sling his hook once he told me to stay at home whilst he went off cruising in my fucking boat for his birthday.

Standrewsschool · 21/07/2020 15:43

I think it was a bit unfair to use your boat without you on it, unless you were also included in the birthday celebrations. Ie. Meal afterwards, took turns on the boat etc. I think he was probably being thoughtless, rather deliberately being mean.

Skippingabeat · 21/07/2020 15:43

I don't see this situation as very straightforward. The boat trip on his birthday was his idea not yours, so he might have already envisioned spending his birthday with his DCs on the boat.

And it depends on when and how you said they can go without you.
If he said he wanted to invite his son's girlfriend and you said the boat can only take 6 so they can go without you, I think it's borderline fine that he did. I wouldn't be happy but would accept that I offered and he took my offer. Lesson learned.

If you said the boat can only take 6, and he still invited the girlfriend and then you said they can go without you (so you basically were left with no other option), then it's not fine and you know you will never be his priority.

Throckmorton · 21/07/2020 15:47

If he can treat you this way now, think how much worse he'll get the longer you are together. You deserve more than someone who outright ignores your very sensible decisions regarding your own property (ie no more than 6 people on the boat).

Tinamou · 21/07/2020 15:49

On the face of it he's in the wrong, but I think it depends a bit on how the conversation went. OP, is it possible that you hid how hurt you are and were not assertive enough about it? He's not a mind reader, if you said he was welcome to take it without you he may have taken you at your word.

MagicMojito · 21/07/2020 15:53

Tbh it does show where you lie in his list of priorities which is shitSad, however you did say that he was free to use the boat without you, and thats what he did.

Unless you felt emotionally manipulated into offering him the use of your boat by him, then I dont think he's necessarily done anything wrong. It just highlights the fact he doesn't think quite as much of you as you do as him.

Well done on getting out of your previous relationship. Make sure you only offer practically and emotionally what you actually want to give. Absolutely nobody is entitled to more than that x

Ellisandra · 21/07/2020 15:55

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong.
He didn’t take your idea of taking the boat out for a birthday trip, and then in-invite you from your own trip. It was his idea - he asked to borrow it for a trip with his family, and when that totalled 7 you said you didn’t mind not going.

If you were me, that “didn’t mind” would have been genuine.

However - if you were me - my husband would have shown my 1000x before that he wasn’t selfish, and he would have been suggesting plans for us as a family too.

So it would be fine for me - but I believe in trusting your gut. If you are unsure of your gut because of your history - still trust your gut! But you can look at his other behaviour. Did he thank you for the boat? Did he arrange something else for his birthday that did include you? (or participate in something you arranged... it’s a bit tricky as it’s his birthday, so you might have already jumped in with an extra event)

golddustwomen · 21/07/2020 15:56

CF. I think he's just shown how much you keen to him. Cheeky git.

golddustwomen · 21/07/2020 15:57

Mean not keen

Arrivederla · 21/07/2020 16:00

He is totally unreasonable.

Brieminewine · 21/07/2020 16:05

He was thoughtless but you shouldn’t have said it was fine if it wasn’t.

Original poster
Eatcabbage · 21/07/2020 16:13

I find this all so upsetting and difficult to get my head around.
I didn't want to say no, girlfriend can't go because I'm coming instead.
He was hoping we'd all go together.
I don't think it would have even occurred to him to not invite his son's girlfriend. As I said above, his children always come first, regularly to his expense.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 21/07/2020 16:20

Another way to look at it, is how do you think he would react if you told him now how it made you feel?

I can be certain that my husband would be a little defensive that I’d said it was OK (I’d love to say he wouldn’t be defensive, but aren’t many people when they’re wrong? I am!) but ultimately he would see my point, apologise, and he sad that he’d made me sad. I would never not be able to bring it up - it wouldn’t lead to sulking or shouting or sarcasm.