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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure why friend is like this, anybody else experienced this ?

81 replies

EvePolastri938 · 20/07/2020 17:13

If you said to someone for instance that you were going on holiday (in usual times) they would say 'that's nice/have fun/have a good holiday' etc wouldn't they ?
If I said that to my friend, she'd say 'where are you going ?' and then 'oh right/ok'

Recently had a socially distanced meeting with my new boyfriend's family, and i've finally met a nice guy after a lot of bad luck. Most people would say 'i'm happy for you/that's great' etc. But she said absolutely nothing.

I used to send her my art but don't bother anymore as she never has anything to say, either compliments or feedback. I just sent her a character i'd drawn once and she just said "Don't know who that is."

She doesn't have to like things/care etc. But I just feel like she lacks the social awareness to even say things out of politeness.

She can also be quite dismissive too. I remember when I left my old job and they organised a leaving breakfast for me. It was really kind of them but she just said "Oh well they do that for anyone who's leaving."

When the nurse was so caring when I was giving blood, "Well, it's their job to be nice !"

When I comment on how a new friend of hers is nice "Well, he/she wouldn't be my friend if they weren't !"

I don't always boast about myself or only say good things, i've spent an entire year with her talking about some guy she likes, and I talk about any problems i've had too.

I know she's depressed about being single and not having a family (she's said) but I'm not sure why she's like this, it's just very draining and negative. I've tried to tell her once before but nothing has changed. Any opinions ?

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 20/07/2020 17:18

The thing is, her responses don’t sound “bad” really. Not effusive, not rude, just - grand.

Do you want people to say she’s jealous of you? She might be, she might not.

Are you an artist? Because I might be a bit Confused if someone kept sending me their art work!

I’d be lovely the first few times but if it kept going I might start to feel a bit awkward?

Original poster
EvePolastri938 · 20/07/2020 17:20

I don't think she's jealous and i'm not looking for people to say that, and luckily she seems quite happy in other areas of her life.

It just seems like she's never happy for me.

I don't send her them daily, just every couple of weeks or whatever, but the thing is she will frequently send me photos she's taken and ask me which one I prefer etc.

It would just be nice to have somebody who's a bit more positive and not somebody you feel like you cannot share anyrhijg good with.

OP posts:
BlueJava · 20/07/2020 17:21

I think you can only stay friends if it's working from both sides. Perhaps you, her - or even both of you - have moved on and have different perspectives and attitudes to life. Just distance yourself and see if she still initiates friendship and then see if you want that too before replying. She sounds a bit hard work.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/07/2020 17:21

She sounds exhausting and insufferable. Why be friends with someone who doesn't even make the effort to be supportive and pleasant? Life is too short for this nonsense.

OhCaptain · 20/07/2020 17:23

Does she send you photos she’s taken? Sorry, I don’t get it!

I would stop asking her/telling her because you’re not going to get the responses you want from her and it obviously just makes you feel like shit!

Concentrate on your supportive relationships instead!

Original poster
EvePolastri938 · 20/07/2020 17:23

Thanks for the replies. The thing is, i've felt wary about this friendship for years, the first couple of years we fell out because she was very selfish in a lot of ways but she seemed to have improved.

She actually lives on another continent now so we don't really see each other, maybe once a year, it's just talking online.

I struggle to trust her really, and i've distanced myself but she still messages. It's hard because we have had lots of great times too.

OP posts:
Original poster
EvePolastri938 · 20/07/2020 17:26

@OhCaptain

Does she send you photos she’s taken? Sorry, I don’t get it!

I would stop asking her/telling her because you’re not going to get the responses you want from her and it obviously just makes you feel like shit!

Concentrate on your supportive relationships instead!

Yeah, for instance she will send me 5 different poses of herself on the beach or whatever and ask me which one I prefer.

You're right, there's no point anymore.
Not expecting someone to be constantly praising and gushing me, they are perfectly allowed to not like my art or whatever, but never saying anything supportive or encouraging ever is just draining.

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 20/07/2020 17:28

God, that sounds insufferable!

She’s either narcissistic or has no self-esteem or probably both.

But honestly if it’s that one-sided, you can’t trust her, and she’s on another continent this doesn’t sound like something you need in your life! Flowers

OhCaptain · 20/07/2020 17:28

And I’ll bet your art is gorgeous!

Spied · 20/07/2020 17:30

You sound like very different people.
I don't think her responses are rude- just the general responses of a person with that kind of personality.

Original poster
EvePolastri938 · 20/07/2020 17:32

Thank you, it's no masterpiece but I'm happy with it ! Yeah, think i'm just finding it hard to let go, known her for 6 years now and I tell myself that if she didn't like me, she wouldn't text me as much I suppose ?

When I told her that people holding raves during lockdown were being selfish, she said I was being OTT that people needed to 'live their lives' etc.. Now she's part of the "No holidays till 2021 club". So just when it suits her kind of thing.

I do need to put an end to this, I think realistically we are unlikely to see each other much anyway as she only comes back once a year. I've been already 3 times to visit her abroad yet she wouldn't even come 20 minutes on the train when we were in the same country. I'm just getting carried away now thinking of it all !

OP posts:
Original poster
EvePolastri938 · 20/07/2020 17:33

@Spied

You sound like very different people. I don't think her responses are rude- just the general responses of a person with that kind of personality.
It may well be her personality yes, it's just that she's shown me screenshots from texts with the guy she likes, and her messages to him are always very enthusiastic in comparison so just makes me wonder.
OP posts:
MysteryParcels · 20/07/2020 17:33

It doesn't sound like you get much out of this friendship any more, and if she's always been inclined this way she'd unlikely to change. I think I'd fade her out to be honest.

Puffinhead · 20/07/2020 17:34

My sister is like this and it’s draining to the point that I no longer want to see her. If she were a friend I would have no trouble cutting her out of my life for good. If there’s nothing in this friendship for you I would suggest you do the same.

Original poster
EvePolastri938 · 20/07/2020 17:45

Yeah, I think I will have to. I feel horrible because others don't seem to see this side and say how cool she is, and it's true she can be nice and we have a laugh, but I don't think this will change.

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 20/07/2020 17:47

You shouldn’t feel bad. She’s choosing to act this way with you when she doesn’t with others.

Who knows why?? But it’s not benefitting you in any way.

Not even making the effort to see you - it’s just constant proof that she doesn’t value you. And you shouldn’t feel bad for not wanting that in your life!

300XLTriColour · 20/07/2020 17:53

Just the asking you to choose from the photos of poses on the beach alone would be enough to make me want to never hear from this person again! She sounds awful. And selfish. And uninterested in you (wtf she didn’t come 20mins on a train to see you but you’ve been 3x abroad to see her?!)

2bazookas · 20/07/2020 17:54

"She doesn't have to like things/care etc. But I just feel like she lacks the social awareness to even say things out of politeness.
She can also be quite dismissive too.

Make your mind up. 

 Clearly, even if she doesn't  care or like something she'd expected to provide some  bland lying platitude;  because you don't like it   if she either says nothing, or says what she really thinks.
justanotherneighinparadise · 20/07/2020 17:58

I wouldn’t do anything too drastic as it’s not like you’re going to run into her. Just cool your communication. Be non just play her at her own game.

justanotherneighinparadise · 20/07/2020 17:59

*be non-commital

Cloudfrost · 20/07/2020 18:07

People are told if you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing... Maybe that's what she is doing,, when you send her stuff/tell her stuff? She doesn't want to tell you how she really feels and she doesn't want to lie, so she says nothing. And even the things she says aren't actually rude, just realistic observations.. And u do realise when people say that sounds nice, most of the times they don't actually mean it, it's just something people say.? Honestly, to me based on the info provided you are nitpicking and looking for reasons to cut her off. Maybe you are fed up of her glass is half empty attitude, or just grown apart, but it's how she is, and nothing wrong with the way she is?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/07/2020 18:19

It sounds like you are both on different wavelengths.

pepsicola5 · 20/07/2020 18:25

My sister is exactly like this. She would say all of those things. However it is due to her Aspergers so doesn't bother me at all. Of ash e didn't have Aspergers I'm not sure I'd be able to humour it.

pepsicola5 · 20/07/2020 18:25

My sister is exactly like this. She would say all of those things. However it is due to her Aspergers so doesn't bother me at all. Of ash e didn't have Aspergers I'm not sure I'd be able to humour it.

pepsicola5 · 20/07/2020 18:26

*if she